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Just Found Out
User Topic: My story
cytron
New Member
Member # 40550
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

A co-worker of mine told me about this site and forum. I have been saddened by everything I read here and it brings to light my own situation or as I call it, my own personal hell.

I am 41 years old, married for 15 years and have two beautiful children ages 9 and 5. My wife and I have been together for 20 years and I have been the only guy she was ever with. I had girlfriends previous to her. What I found out a few weeks before our 15 year anniversary truly horrified me and I am not sure where to turn.

My wife started working with a male teacher at her school in the fall of 2011. He is 13 years younger than her. They established a friendship and I became part of that friendship. We did things together with him and his wife, he played with my kids, I went bike riding and running with him, went out to dinner and drinking together, etc. etc. Normal friendly relationship as I have always been open and non-jealous. We always had a good relationship like that.

In the spring of 2012, her principal told her that he would be splitting her and him up on separate teams. That sent her into a deep depression that lasted all summer. She was devastated that he was taken away from her and that they would be no longer working together. I supported her saying that they did it for a reason, they want two strong teachers on separate teams, etc. etc. Being the supportive husband, we continued to get together with him and his wife and continue our friendship.

This depression led to a few arguments as our relationship has always been on rocky ground and I had made the mistake of yelling at her to go to "him" if she wanted someone better, etc. etc. She assured me that nothing was going on and that they were friends. I had every reason to believe her as if we had one thing going for us, it was trust.

Well, that was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life. In March, 2013, we went out to dinner with the couple and my wife and him couldn't keep their eyes off of each other all night. I doubt his wife noticed it, but I did. Sure, he is a great looking guy and everything I am not, but I was just floored by this "flirting." But again, being the trusting husband I didn't think too much about it.

In May, 2013, my wife gave me her cell phone to upload pictures of our kids into the computer and I received the shock of my life. A text from him came through and I read it. It was flirty and that caused me to go into a tailspin. I threw the phone down (did not break) and gave it back to her not wanting to read anything else. A week later, I noticed that she started hiding her phone, always having it face down, always protecting it, etc. One morning, I got a chance to see the phone. The horror ensued. I saw over 200 messages between the two of them. She was telling him how hot she was for him, that her marriage is broken, that we never have sex, how she has needs and I don't satisfy them, etc. etc. He is playing into it all during the text messages. A week later, her "friend" and his wife had their child. I chalked up the flirting to he was probably not "getting it" from his wife who was always sick during her pregnancy. I didn't want to believe what was happening.

On June 12, 2013 (the day of the 20th anniversary of our first date), I found more text messages...hundreds of them. More flirting, etc. He had been over the previous day dropping off an air hockey table while I was with our kids swimming. She told me he would be at the house for 10 minutes and then leave. I watched him pull into our garage and go into our house and leave over 90 minutes later. All the texts were about what they were doing to each other, how they should have done more, how they wanted each other, etc. etc. I couldn't believe it.

The flirting, etc. continued for several weeks until the day of July 29, 2013. We had gone to the Poconos for a weekend for our 15th anniversary. We had a great weekend and really connected together as a couple all the while me knowing what was going on. On the 29th, my wife went out to run some "errands". She sends me a text asking if it would be ok if she went out with him for a drink. BTW...his wife was away with their newborn baby. I said sure no problem. I was baiting them. During that day, I saw over 100 texts about what she wanted him to do to her, how it is only physical, etc. etc. She texted me about 2 hours into her "visit" and said, I hope you don't mind, but we stayed in for a drink. Wow!!!

The next day, I got her cell phone and saw more messages about how happy she was and that even our kids asked her why she was so happy. Her quote to him was..."can't exactly have a mind blowing experience and not think about it and be happy the next day." I was devastated.

I have found out that she is cheating on me with a "mutual friend" who just had a baby girl with his wife, is 15 years younger and is everything that I am not. My own personal hell is now here and not sure what to do about it.

I have seen a lawyer, a paralegal, drawn up post-nup agreement, divorce and custody papers. I plan on confronting her next weekend while we have a babysitter as I don't want the kids to be in the house when I do this.

The fact is I could ruin her entire life. I could expose him to his wife, they teach together and work in the same building and I could tell of their friends what they have been doing. I could tell her principal and the school board. I could effectively destroy her career and destroy all of her friendships.

I have no idea how to approach this and would love any advice that anybody could give me.


Posts: 28 | Registered: Sep 2013
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Hi cytron,

Sorry for your situation, but glad that you found SI. There is a lot of good advice here.

Your WWs A is not about you, it is about her. There is something inside of her that wanted the external validation and affirmation from the OM. Rather than have healthy boundaries when dealing with an OM, she had poor boundaries and allowed herself to enjoy the rush of a new relationship and the sexual tension and connection. Many people, many of us, participate in dysfunctional M, but do not choose to have an A.

You seem to be making good first steps with seeing an attorney and having papers drawn up. Read in the healing library and other posts here on SI about NC (no contact) letters and establishing boundaries if your WW wants to try to return to the M and you are willing to give her the chance.

You should plan on telling the OM's BS (other man's betrayed spouse). She very definitely has a right to know, and it is the best way of keeping your WW and him apart. Do not let your WW know you will be telling the OM's BS, just tell her.

I could effectively destroy her career and destroy all of her friendships.

I understand the feeling, and I know you are saying you could, not that you would. If you decide you want to D your WW, then ruining her work will likely cost you more in support after the D. If there is any chance you may want to R in the future, scorched earth will make that difficult.

For the time being, you do not need to choose either D or R (reconciliation). You have a third option which is "Not Divorcing" while you decide what you want. This also provides time, if you are interested in R, to watch your WW for actions that prove she is remorseful and is taking steps to identify and fix her issues.

When you confront your WW, be prepared for her to lie, obfuscate, and blame-shift. These are all pretty common responses from a WS. You do not need to prove anything to her. You both know the truth of what has been going on. There is another post in Just Found Out where the poster describes a pretty good confrontation.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=506888

Keep posting and reading on SI, there is a lot of good advice here. If some specific advice does not seem to fit you, feel free to leave it, but the conventional wisdom here on SI is usually pretty on target. There are lots of books than can provide guidance. Not Just Friends by Glass and Sexual Detours by Hines are tow that I and others have profited from reading.

Good luck to you.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4132 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Painfuljourney
Member
Member # 40208
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

I hope you printed off the texts. The other BS needs to know. Please tell her what a slime bag her WH is.

Sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are approaching this the right way. Good luck.


BS (me) - 44
WH - 46
DD - July 1, 2013
2 daughters, 14 and 10

Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest
cytron
New Member
Member # 40550
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Thank you for your support. I did send every single text message to my email address and then saved them in a Word Document.

She has always been a loving and faithful wife who would be the last person I would ever think of having an affair. She has always had low self esteem about herself and I am sure she felt "wanted" by someone else who paid attention to her besides me. The thing that troubles me almost more than anything is how she confided in him saying that her marriage is broken and probably telling her about my ED issues that I have been having for the past year or so. That is very embarrassing and she always said she supported me through it. Funnier thing is that physically, we had been closer than ever and mixing it up in order to bring that spark back in our relationship. I guess I wasn't man enough for her.

I have read a lot of advice on here, but it seems like most people reconcile. This is so hard to believe as I read the stories and I cry for the people that this is happening to. I can't even stand to look at my wife knowing what she did...especially with someone who has a newborn child. She has single handedly destroyed my family and another person's family.

I am going to confront her next Saturday when we have a babysitter. This needs to come out and I need to be strong and courageous. I am having a tough time thinking that I can do this. I don't know how she is going to react, but I am sure she will try to cover up and when I ask her to tell me the truth about what happened that Monday night, I have a feeling that all hell will break loose. I want to be amicable about this and I want to do what is best, but the fact is she destroyed the only thing I ever wanted and that was a strong marriage.


Posts: 28 | Registered: Sep 2013
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

I guess I wasn't man enough for her.

The very first thing my IC/our MC said to me when we went in for the first time after dday was that her A were not about me. You will hear this on SI, you will read it in books, and it is always true. Her A was about a need within herself, and not a healthy need.

What the OM offered to her was a blank canvas on to which she could project her fantasies. There was none of the complicating history and intimacy of a real relationship. Their A occurred in a bubble. What kind of man was OM, what kind of man was the man for her? A man who cheats on his pregnant wife. A man with poor to non-existant boundaries. A man who puts getting his dick wet above any other values, and puts his family and job at risk to fulfill a physical urge. A man who is too afraid to be honest with his pregnant wife about how he is feeling, so he finds a similarly damaged married woman to try and fill the holes in his life.

...it seems like most people reconcile.

A lot of people try to R, some make it. There are many in Separation and Divorce too who did not R. Some of my "best friends" on SI tried to R for years and finally pulled the plug. Others, like myself, are making the best of the situation. If her A was a dealbreaker and you are ready to D, that is fine. If you think you may be interested in R, give it 6 - 12 months to see if your WW can do the work to fix herself.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 1:29 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4132 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Painfuljourney
Member
Member # 40208
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Reconciliation isn't for the faint at heart. The alternative for me was going to be just as painful for me. So it was like damned if you do, damned if you don't. I knew in my heart I still loved my WH, even the 2nd day after DD.

After the initial shock (I'm still in shock), I got the entire story as much as I could digest. So I knew what I was dealing with. I was dealing with a truly remorseful husband.

It wasn't until I told him it wasn't my fault, he could no longer blame me. It was like a fog lifted he said. He had so much anger and was compartmentalizing it. Taking it out on his daughters and me.

I told him I still loved him and didn't hate him because I meant it. He cried so hard, so much remorse. It was a day after our 24th anniversary that DD hit. I knew I would fight for my marriage. Too much good there to salvage. He clearly went through a mid life crisis of sorts, depression, anger, selfish fucking bastard phase... The man I married was gone for years.

But with reconciliation our marriage has hope again. We had no connection for years, just anger and resentment, disrespect.

With marriage books, "His Needs, Her Needs - "The Five Love Languages" we read together and discovered both of us had unmet needs. We are back to newlywed status (with a bittersweet taste). I'm still triggering and sad at times, but overall he is doing his best to help me heal and he is healing himself as well.

But to me if someone breaks the vows, it is BS right to leave and divorce. It isn't wrong. But it isn't the only solution if there is something left in the carnage that is fixable.


BS (me) - 44
WH - 46
DD - July 1, 2013
2 daughters, 14 and 10

Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

The other posters have given you very good advice. Do not make a decision to D or R immediately. Watch you WW actions for at least 6 months. Words at this point mean nothing. Waywards will lie, blame shift, etc.. to avoid telling you the whole truth. Read in the healing library (left hand corner). It has lots of good articles and advice on how to handle the WS (wayward spouse). What you have done so far is very good.

Just remember that right now your wife is in what we call the "fog". It is where this new relationship is all unicorns farting rainbows. It is not a true relationship because they are using this to avoid everyday life as a spouse. They are not taking care of children, paying bills, done laudrey, etc.. They don't realize that this comes eventually to any relationship. They are not soul mates or anything else, other than two broken people clinging to the fantasy of an A (affair). Confrontation and discovery usually burst that fantasy bubble they have been living in.

Do not let yourself be drawn into blaming yourself or letting her blame you for her A. It is 100% hers to own. Pre-A issues are 50/50, but the actual A is 100% theirs. You lived in the same marriage and you did not cheat on her.

I am sorry you have to be part of this crazy mix-up shit sandwich we have all been served, but you have come to the best place for advice and support.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Hope2B
Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

I am so sorry this happened to you.

I just wanted to mention about something you said:

The fact is I could ruin her entire life. I could expose him to his wife, they teach together and work in the same building and I could tell of their friends what they have been doing. I could tell her principal and the school board. I could effectively destroy her career and destroy all of her friendships.

As a teacher, unless they are both working at a private or parochial school, no one will be losing their job, and it's unlikely that they will even be sanctioned. Their co-workers and colleagues already know or suspect something is going on, and unless they are caught in flagrante delicto, no one will be suspended or terminated. For the most part, careers and friendships would not be destroyed, and most likely, not affected in the way you would hope.

Hope2B ...

[This message edited by Hope2B at 3:30 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo or maybe ever 4x/mo

Posts: 359 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Welcom Cytron

You are correct, you are in your own personal hell, and will be for a while.
After reading your post, it appears you have been lurking for a while.

If you haven't read in the healing library please do.

Know that this has NOTHING to do with you. Her decision to cheat, is hers alone. She has to own that. Nothing you did or didn't do caused her to do this.

It sounds like you have already gotten your ducks in a row, and that can be very helpful when you do confront her. The question is do you know what you want? If she is immediately remorseful, and asks to attempt to R is that something that you are willing to do? If so what will your requirements be? If not then do you have a complete plan in place for her to leave after confrontation on Saturday?

I'm not saying one way is right or wrong, I am just saying that it is VERY helpful to have your plan with the possible scenarios in place prior to confrontation.

I knew my H was cheating, or had completely lost his mind in the months leading up to our DDay, I just couldn't find the proof. I had been to an attorney to find out what my rights were, I was all set and ready. I also knew that if he wanted to attempt R, I was going to be all in. However I also knew that if he wasn't willing to attempt R. I was throwing him out on his ear that day.

Having plans in place helps us as BS's to be stronger when we feel at our very weakest. If you want to D, great. For some it is a deal breaker, and for many of us here, we ended up having to travel the road toward D before we really had our spouses get it.

Be prepared for the next bit in your life to be quite a ride. Be kind to you. Make sure you are eating, staying hydrated, and getting sleep. If you are unable to get these things done, please call your Dr. It is hard to keep perspective when your mind is sleep deprived, starved, and wounded.

Be kind to yourself. Get STD tested, and insist she do as well if she is staying.

I am of the thought that the OW deserves to know as well. You will see differing opinions but man I sure wish someone would have come to me with proof, instead of thinking I was loosing my mind for 5 months.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8598 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Reegz
New Member
Member # 40391
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Hi Cytron,

You've received plenty of great advice from other brothers and sisters who are also members of a club that none of us want to be in. But I'd say:

1. Get STD tested and demand that she get tested as well. In my situation, this made it very real for her.

2. You need to tell the OM's wife. She is potentially at risk for STDs and it will also let her know what is going - if she doesn't know already. It can keep things in check if you're choosing to try to resolve this with your wife OR she could potentially provide key evidence and support for you, if you choose to get divorced. Either way, she deserves to know.

3. Unless she works for a private school/religious school, the chance of getting her fired is slim to none. The same goes for him. Don't focus on the damage that you COULD do, focus on healing yourself and your relationship if you choose to go that route.

4. If you are considering letting her back into a relationship with you, I think presenting/confronting her with legal papers and proof of affair is one way to scare her back and to show her that you're not kidding about leaving her. That you could go either way and that it is her responsibility to take responsibility for the affair and to win you back.

5. If you're going for the Big D, you're going in strong. Which is what you should do, if you're sure about leaving her. If you're not, then don't make any major/life changing decisions within the first 30 days.

Good Luck.


Me: 40 BH
Her: 36 WW
Clues Discovered - EA - May/June 2013.
D-Day - Confirmation of EA and discovery of PA - August 20, 2013.
4 to 5 month affair.
We are in recovery. Taking it a day a time.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: New York
cytron
New Member
Member # 40550
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Thank you to everyone who has supported me and shown interest in my story today. This is definitely the scariest and most horrifying time of my life. I feel like my ducks are lined up, but then again, I feel my life is falling apart.

What really hurts is we have two kids together that are going to pay the ultimate price for her affair. They will definitely have it harder than me and I do not know if I am strong enough to handle them and what is going to happen.

I guess time will tell, but I am definitely confronting her and seeing what happens.


Posts: 28 | Registered: Sep 2013
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

You have had excellent advice from atsenaotie and others; the only thing extra I would add is to be hard and tough during your Saturday discussion even if you are dying inside. Now is not the time to demonstrate emotional weakness since it will surely be exploited.

Expect your wife to attempt to justify her adultery by your 'unfair treatment and neglect'. Don't give an inch and keep the divorce option on the table.

I agree with others; you need to tell the OM's wife. She deserves the truth so she can make appropriate decisions concerning her future. Don't condemn her to live in a marriage of lies and deceit.


Posts: 1717 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
PricklePatch
Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

So sorry to hear of your heartbreak. Please get a VAR or a nanny cam for the confrontation. That way no accusations can be made of domestic violence.

Drink lots of water! Exercise can also relieve stress in this time of turmoil. Make copies of texts and evidence and leave them off site.

Make no rash decisions right away. If you are leaning toward recovery, think about what it would take for that to indeed happen.

Take care of yourself.


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 297 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Cytron, I''m very proud of you. It may not seem like it, to you, but you have managed to get your evidence, figure out a great plan of action, conceal your intent until a time when your children will not be caught up in the confrontation, and take positive steps towards that confrontation. In a shitty situation, you have done very, very well. Here''s another thing to take a look at If You Love Them Divorce Them, http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid469167. Read it and take it to heart.

Let''s talk about the confrontation itself. I am a big believer in shock and awe, coupled with keeping the other person off center. Going in to Saturday, what are your plans if she immediately crumples, professes remorse, and promises to do anything needed? What are your plans if she resists and tells you that you''re out of your mind and you are probably pulling this stunt because YOU betrayed her? What are your plans if she tells you to go F-off and flounces out the door to be with lover-boy? She may do any of these things, all of them, or none of them, but you have to have a basic plan for the main scenarios. An example might be that If remorse + NC letter + agreement for IC putting divorce on hold for a while, or if any other reaction than the above or flouncing out of the house, serve papers, or if flouncing out of the house, serve papers and immediately petition for sole use of house and full custody. Just some parameters so you can serve up consequences immediately.

Note. As a previous person has said, this is a time that you must be at your most forceful, steadfast, and unbending. You cannot show weakness. You cannot allow her to distract you into circular arguments or discussions about why you not giving her a balloon on her 5th anniversary led up to infidelity, or any other nonsense. These are war negotiations and there is no other subject that needs to come up right now than the subject at hand. You need to be strong weakness is never appealing and during a confrontation doubly so. You should also protect yourself in case she claims that you hit her, threatened her, etc. Get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and hid it in the room. And if she hits you, call the police and have her arrested for domestic violence.

This is all such horrible, tough stuff. I''m so very sorry. It''s the shits that anyone of us has to think like this, because of the actions of people who are supposed to be our soft place to fall. And please schedule your STD/HIV test. Hell, schedule hers as well and hand her the appointment card when you confront! Just make sure that you get all the results because you cannot trust that she will tell you the truth. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

I feel for you brother. There is not too much more advice I can contribute that you have not heard already. You have gotten some great advice , but I will tell you that Skan touched on something that happened to me and I do not want to see it happen to you . That is the next morning after I finally caught my stbxw in a hotel room with her boyfriend of two years I confronted her and I was not even angry. I was beaten and sad and a weak pathetic mess , so we had an argument obviously , my kids heard and came down the stairs crying . I had stopped at that point and went to work as usual. When I got home the cops removed me from my home with an order of protection .( no violence ever in 18 yrs) I haven't been home since! 5 months now ! My point is that this woman who is your "wife" right now might not be ! so be smarter than her ! Show no weakness do not cry or beg , be assertive! Do not believe her bull! I tell you this because I have been through the same . I wish you luck in whatever choice you make . For me my stbxw chose her boyfriend over me and her family. I hope your outcome is better.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 662 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
cytron
New Member
Member # 40550
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Great advice from everyone...thank you! I am surprised to hear everyone say schedule a STD/HIV test. I guess I shouldn't be shocked but I am.

I tend to agree with most of you as I need to be aggressive, stand my ground and not give in. That is very hard for me to do as I am not an assertive person at all.

I was also surprised about the VAR and/or nanny cam, but I guess that makes sense as I have no idea what she is going to do when I tell her.


Posts: 28 | Registered: Sep 2013
cytron
New Member
Member # 40550
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid469167.html

This link that was provided just goes back to forum.


Posts: 28 | Registered: Sep 2013
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

I am so sorry you are going through this. Decisions are very difficult to make. It is important to know you do not need to rush into one. While you are drawing up the paperwork and everything that you need to, you have some leverage on what to do with the information once you disclose. The other betrayed spouse needs to be informed. You may want to tell her as soon as you tell your WS. Telling her early will tip your hand . My thoughts are with you. In the mean time, please take care of yourself. The pain is terrible. Remember, this is about her brokenness, this is NOT about you.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

I have read a lot of advice on here, but it seems like most people reconcile. This is so hard to believe as I read the stories and I cry for the people that this is happening to. I can't even stand to look at my wife knowing what she did...especially with someone who has a newborn child. She has single handedly destroyed my family and another person's family.

If you decide to go the route of divorce you should check out the Divorce subforum here. The posters there are extremely savvy, and I find that the best advice given in this entire forum is in the divorce section. They know their shit when it comes to the law, too, especially custody, visitation, alimony, splitting finances. It is an endless resource.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1262 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

I'm so sorry you're here but really happy that you found us. This shit sucks but your instincts seem to be better in many ways than most. The protective measures you're taking are extremely important and will be extremely helpful to you whether you decide to reconcile or divorce. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but your strength shows through in your posts. It took me months to get where you are now.

I recommend you go into the confrontation with all of your evidence printed out in one hand and divorce papers in the other. This doesn't mean you actually have to go through with the divorce (there is generally a cooling off period and you can stop it at any time) but it will show your wife that you're serious and that you aren't afraid to make a go of it without her. You probably are actually afraid of that but she doesn't have to know that. Be strong, be firm and watch for her actions. By the way, I think the advice that people often give on here to wait 6 months to file is somewhat questionable. I waited four and it only prolonged my suffering. Maybe it's good advice if she is groveling on the floor and begging for you to take her back and then consistently does everything in her power to prove that she is worthy of a second chance but otherwise, I think you are better off getting the process moving as soon as possible.

As others have said, the greasy piece of shit OM's wife deserves to know. What sort of scumbag cheats on his pregnant wife? Make sure you have a nanny cam or a voice activated recorder set up during the confrontation. False DV charges are not uncommon. Start documenting anything and everything with regards to the kids.

Lastly, this is absolutely not your fault. You think it is right now because your self esteem is in the shitter, you're trying to figure out what you did to deserve this and you want something to fix so you have some illusion of control. She will very likely try to convince you that it's your fault as well. That's called blameshifting. It's common and it is 100 percent unfiltered bullshit. You are the prize here, not her. Right now, she is in affair land. Her head is so far up her ass she can see her teeth. You deserve better.


Posts: 1694 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 4:32 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

First thing she is going to try to do is to warn the OM that you know.

Do not tell your WW that you are going to tell the other man's wife. Just do it asap - with evidence in hand. Since you saved stuff to a word file-- forward it to a secret email acct or flash drive in case your WW deletes everything on your computer. My XWH crashed our computer.

Your WW mentally left the marriage a year ago. She is screwed up to be screwing a man with a new baby.

Be sane. Be focused. Be centered. You are fighting an addiction. This is the same as confronting an alcoholic.

I understand the double betrayal -- friend with wife--because my XWH did the same thing to me.

You can also look on I Can Relate section here as there is a section for husbands and a section for those hit with a double betrayal.

Keep posting.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2147 | Registered: Jan 2012
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

cytron, here is that link corrected.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=469167


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4132 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

Yes Cytron, please have the VAR or nanny cam. This is a very valid point, that I never think of for the Mens here. However I have seen multiple incidents of WW's making false claims. It's insane, and every single man that it has happened to, probably felt that there was no way their wife would do that. Just try to keep in mind that she is not who she used to be. That person has checked out, and when waywards are backed into a corner, they will do anything to regain a sense of balance and power.

I know you get the need to be in control on Saturday, but you don't need to be aggressive, you need to be calm, cool, and collected, sans emotions. Think of it as a business transaction, and really really really try to leave the emotions at the door. Initally this was damn near impossible for me, and I would end up a blubbery mess, and he couldn't even stand to see it, and would often walk away. But when I was finally able to hold together, and be very calm, and clear on my plan, that was when he got it, and he became the blubbery mess.

((((and strength ))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8598 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

Make sure you get your confrontation timing right-is there any way you can tell OM's wife (with evidence) just before your confrontation with your wife? That way there won't be time for your wife and OM to get together and concoct some excuse or agree on a much reduced version of events (TT) - it happened to me, and makes the whole saga much harder to deal with.


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
kannan
Member
Member # 36057
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

You got some good advice but i too have some thing,

The A progressed right under your nose and you were aware of it for a long time. You never stood your ground and confronted her or him.
If you have confronted them at the beginnig and drawn the line, it may not have came to this. It may have ended the A then and there.

You did a good start by seeing a lawyer and drawing up papers but how long can you stay strong before her? That is the thing you have to handle.

Get a VAR/nany cam if you dont want to end up in jail, this happened to many BS. She is not your loving wife now that person is dead, this is a new person and you dont know what she is capable of for having her cake and eat it too, to protect her image in front of others and children.
So, now is the time to man up and be strong, there is no room for any weakness.

you never informed his W. You actually held back truth from OMW for long. She never cheated you, she believed you and you betrayed OMW trust on you. So when you confront your wife also inform the OMW.


Posts: 139 | Registered: Jul 2012
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

Don't forget that if your wife is emotionally attached to the OM, [it sounds that way], this affair may not be that easy to stop. She may agree to NC then take it underground.

One huge help in ending their squalid affair is to tell the OM's wife. The shame and criticism that will be directed at the OM for betraying his family will result in him throwing your wife under the bus. Also threaten to tell your family, WW's family, even school authorities. Whatever works in achieving the isolation of your wife from her fuck buddy.

Don't be influenced by your WW's pleas not to tell the OM's wife and keep the whole liaison a secret. This is what she needs to continue the affair. Like roaches such dishonest betrayals flourish in the dark.

Once the affair is well and truly over, your wife will be more inclined to tread the path of true remorse.


Posts: 1717 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Warninglight
New Member
Member # 40507
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

Sorry you are here.

Uh. Sorry to ask but why did you not shut this thing down hard when you saw the first set of texts?

The timeline is that it was "Only" an EA after the first texts and went physical on Air hockey Table day?

How did you know that he spent 90 minutes at your home? Was it already physical and you just wanted to time them? Im confuzzled.

BACK UP YOUR EVIDENCE OFFSITE. On a USB drive given to a trusted friend AND some cloud storage. You can easily get 5Gigs free.

As for R. This site runs a bit more R than my tastes as I have been on multiple forums but I will say this. Too many men try to combine two questions into one when considering R. You need two yesses.
1) Has she done all the necessary things to warrant R?
2) CAN *YOU* live with the fact another man has spewed his goo inside your woman? I have to be graphic to make the point.

There is NO shame in answering no to question 2. We men are territorial animals. Its in your DNA.


WIfe email EA. DDay 03-0-2013 758A OM was a half literate hillbilly ex.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: E US
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

I would just add, that please try to protect the children. At their ages, they don't need to know this about their mom, no matter how mad/hurt you get. If you do decide to tell them, talk with a counselor first.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Try to have faith that things will, eventually, be ok -- no matter what happens.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2001 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

I have found out that she is cheating on me with a "mutual friend" who just had a baby girl with his wife, is 15 years younger and is everything that I am not.
Cytron - I just wanted to respond to this. You stated this in a couple of places, that he is "everything you are not."

There is truth in the statement that he's everything you are not, but the truth is different than what you are seeing. Let me tell you what he REALLY is -

- a cheater
- a lier
- willing to screw around on his pregnant wife without any regard for her
- willing to use a married colleague as an affair partner
- willing to risk his career AND your wife's for his own selfish drives

Yeah. Sounds like a great guy.

And everything YOU ARE NOT. You have boundaries. You have respect for yourself and others. You have a moral grounding. You have integrity and honor.

So the flip of that statement? YOU are everything he is NOT.

Welcome to SI.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25517 | Registered: Aug 2011
cytron
New Member
Member # 40550
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

Wow, I am truly honored that all of you responded to my story. Yes, I should have told her right away...truth to be told, I am scared as hell. Spending 20 years of my life with a woman I thought I knew and the thought of being alone for the first time is truly scaring me. I am more scared for my kids. They are 9 and 5. They do not know any better. They will be the ones that suffer and that pains me. Part of me says to stay for the kids, but I know that is not reality and I think too many reconcile because of kids .

Thanks for the suggestions about the nanny cam as I will make sure that is done.

Question though...if I am telling his wife, doesn't that destroy another family? I am already having trouble destroying my family and the thought of destroying another is hard for me to swallow. But I guess it needs to be done.


Posts: 28 | Registered: Sep 2013
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

Let me answer your question with one of my own. If you tell his wife, are you destroying his family or did he and your wife do that by having an affair? Would you have preferred honesty and the ability to make a decision based on reality rather than what you thought was true?

You don't owe him or your wife anything. Actually, you don't owe his wife anything either but as a matter of human decency, she deserves to know what kind of low life she is married to.


Posts: 1694 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Painfuljourney
Member
Member # 40208
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

Yes, your revelation will destroy the other family. But it isn't you destroying it. It's already destroyed by her WH. She deserves to know the truth. She may continue to have kids with him or worse get AIDS or HEP C, HPV. She doesn't deserve that. Tell her now so she can deal with it now rather than later. She will find out, better to find out now than 20 years later and wonder if her life was a lie. She deserves to be treated so much better. Believe me she will appreciate the truth, even if it's hard to tell her, she will be grateful. And if you really want a R with your wife, NC can only happen when the secret is out fully IMO.


BS (me) - 44
WH - 46
DD - July 1, 2013
2 daughters, 14 and 10

Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

You should tell the OM's wife about the A.
She has a right to know what her WH is doing to their M.
You won't be ruining their M, the OM already has.
Your WW may not be the first or the only one he's cheating with.
What ever choice she makes will be the right choice for her.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 6:56 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 469 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

Yes, I should have told her right away...
You shoulder exactly ZERO responsibility for her progressing the affair.

Repeat that as often as you need for it to sink in. Her actions were her choices.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25517 | Registered: Aug 2011
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

Of course you should have compassion for the OM's wife married to such a morally bankrupt cheater, but the over-riding reason for telling her is to end this affair.

What is going to stop your wife from further adultery if your request to cease is ignored? Simply the weight of the other BS's anger and the anger of her immediate family and friends.The OM will probably blame your wife and beg for forgiveness from his betrayed spouse, and that is exactly what you need to happen.


Posts: 1717 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

cytron

Tell the BS.
I would call her with your WW in the room and tell her.

Look don't make any rash decisioins about divorce or stay in the marriage. You are doing good by having your paperwork together. Var in place etc...

Everyone has given you great advice.
You are not to blame for their affair. You are not to blame for the break up of the AP marriage. The WW and AP did this not you.

Her affair has nothing to do with you it is all about her.
You are way more of a man then him! He can never be the man you are never!!! Don't you ever ever think otherwise!

Do you have a counselor? I would advise you to look up a good counselor and a good marriage counselor that deals with infidelity. Also go see your family doctor for the STD testing and if needed some paxil or such if you feel over taxed and anxious. As most of us do when dealing with the affairs of our spouses.
My marriage has survived as a lot of marriages that have went thru this.
Eat drink plenty of fluids and exercise...
I found that exercise exhausted me so I could sleep at night.
Good luck Saturday.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Warninglight
New Member
Member # 40507
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

Cyt

A few things. Take them as constructive please.

1) You need to build your confidence. Hit the gym. It will have two effects. 1) It deadens the pain 2) It makes you hotter which will up your self esteem and you have esteem issues. You need serious ego food my friend and a few thirty somethings flirting with you (But you not responding) will do wonders.

2) Am I correct that you believe hockey table day was first sex? Is this thing still going on?

3 Agree with above. OM ruined his family it is YOUR DUTY to tell wife. She DESERVES the chance to start over with a non cheater and you rob her of that chance every day you wait. Do it directly. OM may try to intercept so start with phone call. INCLUDE OFFER OF PROOF!

[This message edited by Warninglight at 2:23 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]


WIfe email EA. DDay 03-0-2013 758A OM was a half literate hillbilly ex.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: E US
traildad
Member
Member # 35258
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

You have received excellent advice. I will repeat again for importance, build strength for the confrontation, you are going to get hammered with excuses, lies, etc. or worse, she might cry and be "so sorry", that IMO is harder to deal with than her pushing back. Either way she is going to try to manipulate you. Shock and awe!

When my XWW finally came out of her fog (after the D) and realized what she had done to our family, she told me she wished I would''ve come down hard on her and ended the A immediately, she thinks it would''ve snapped her out of it in time to save our M.

Be strong brother!


Me BH - 33
3 beautiful young children
DDay 12/13/11
Divorced.

Posts: 650 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Michigan
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

cytron, what traildad has done is given you a great example of something called blame shifting. Notice how it is his fault? If he would have done something she would have changed?

Do not let her do this. It is on her. Her choices, not yours. Stay strong brother.

t/j(threadjack) traildad, don't tell me you let her get away with that! end t/j


ETA sp

[This message edited by 5454real at 9:27 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2870 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

(((cytron)))

I think you are being amazingly strong and level-headed despite the overwhelming torrent of emotions you have to be experiencing.

You said you are not very assertive -- sure doesn't sound that way when I read your posts! You are STRONG and you will get through this, no matter what happens.

You've gotten great advice, I really have nothing better to offer. I do whole-heartedly agree that you will likely be dealing with someone thick in the A "fog" and may be convinced that this is her "true love". My WH had a pretty strong case of this on Dday and it took him a long time to extract his head from his behind. Just be prepared. Sometimes they need to see the fallout and trauma of it all to finally start seeing reality. It may not happen quickly. You will just need to decide if you are willing to wait.

Lastly, I need to agree with nowiknow that YOU are everything HE is not. You need to believe that. Don't let her steal your self-esteem along with everything else she's already taken. He's not HALF the man you are. That's obvious to everyone reading this thread.

I wish you the very best of luck. I am so sorry you are stuck in this crazy making land with all of us. None of us deserves to be here. It's a long and rocky ride and, honestly, it just sucks.

Hang in there....


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 692 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
PhoenixReborn
Member
Member # 22135
Default  Posted: 3:56 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Hi,

Something to consider:

Do you know why your WW & OM were separated at work?
What was the reason your WW gave?

I ask you; is it actually possible they were split up by management because of suspicion or even proof of an affair in the workplace?

Seen that happen in a company I worked at years ago.

I would imagine they would not be advertising the fact.
And your WW is less likely to tell you the 'real' why either.

Food for thought.

[This message edited by PhoenixReborn at 3:58 AM, September 6th (Friday)]


Me - XBF 40 (Fiance)
Her - XWF (who cares)
# Always trust your Gut - I didn't and am now regretting it. #
-Only give up when you won't regret giving up.-

Posts: 1118 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Australia
traildad
Member
Member # 35258
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, September 6th (Friday)

t/j(threadjack) traildad, don''t tell me you let her get away with that! end t/j

No, I simply ignored it. But I had reflected on the situation and made the same conclusion about what I should''ve done differently. If I knew then what I know now, coming down hard and fast would''ve had two possible outcomes 1) snap her out of the A and start R, or 2) lead straight to D. Both options would''ve been far superior than what I actually did, which was let her manipulate me for 6 months of pure hell while I tried to get my family back.


Me BH - 33
3 beautiful young children
DDay 12/13/11
Divorced.

Posts: 650 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Michigan
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Cy,

It's very important that you change your mindset from "my wife destroyed two families" and "I don't want to destroy another family" to "my wife and her affair partner destroyed two families through their selfish actions" and "I'm treating the other Betrayed Spouse with respect and dignity by giving her a chance to make an informed decision about her life and the life of her daughter."

Good luck.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6563 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
cytron
New Member
Member # 40550
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Thank you everyone for your advice. I have purchased a VAR and Nanny Cam to record the confrontation. Have a babysitter to take the kids to a movie and ice cream afterwards. I met with a lawyer and paralegal to draw up all the papers (post-nup, divorce decree and child support) and am fully prepared to tell his spouse what her no good husband and father to their child has done to my family and hers.

That is the part that I am unsure of. I know she deserves to know, but I feel like I am tearing apart another family. A friend of mine said not to tell her and she will find out on her own through the process of us not being married anymore.

Another part I am unsure of is the school thing. I don't think they were split up because of that, but who knows. I never thought in a million years that my spouse could cover anything up because she is no good at hiding her emotions. Guess I was wrong.

Also, how do I handle the kids? There are two teams in fifth grade and my spouse is on one and the dickhead is on the other. They will not have my wife as a teacher, and they will be placed on dickhead's team. There are six teachers on a team and he may get them as students although my spouse could prevent it. I want my kids as far away from that bastard , but I am not sure I can prevent that.


Posts: 28 | Registered: Sep 2013
Painfuljourney
Member
Member # 40208
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, September 6th (Friday)

That is a tough situation. But PLEASE please tell his wife. As a BS of WH I would be so grateful to know the truth. When you have to find out like I did 4 years later after the A, it makes you feel so foolish. It makes you feel so horrible not to know all that time. Like the entire past 4 years was a lie and I look back constantly and try to see how he was all this time. It's hard to remember.

Also by telling her they might decide to R and with that might come them relocating. I know I would considering relocating. We had to make some radial changes. My husband worked an out of town route once a week. This is when he was cheated on me, had the OW meet him, she drove 200 miles to be with him for ONS.

Some people end up changing jobs, moving, selling cars or houses that were associated with affair. It's so damaging that change is a good thing. That is part of the consequences. No way could I be around OW on a weekly basis like you might be forced to do. I would NEED change. Your kids don't need to know why. I am sparing my kids of the affair.


BS (me) - 44
WH - 46
DD - July 1, 2013
2 daughters, 14 and 10

Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, September 6th (Friday)

I want my kids as far away from that bastard , but I am not sure I can prevent that.
You sure as hell can try. Talk to the administration. If your WW is willing to do it with you, all the better, but do it even if she is opposed.

This is a completely valid reason for an administrative intervention on behalf of your children.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25517 | Registered: Aug 2011
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, September 6th (Friday)

I'm sorry that you doubt the wisdom of telling the OM's wife. It's going to be difficult to end this affair as it is, with your wife's obvious worship of her lover. You need every bit of ammunition you can gather, and getting the other BS to weigh in with her contribution will be vital.

Posts: 1717 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
whensitover
Member
Member # 31207
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, September 6th (Friday)

I truly hope you read this post-take a little time and if you have to, take a poll. Ask who would and who would not tell the other spouse. Those numbers will not be based off of just their 'opinion' Take a second and look at HOW many people are registered to this site. Those numbers are not there because people were bored and decided to come here. These are real people, with real advice. Advice that is not just 'opinion's but advice that has be tried and tested and proven. They are telling you to tell the other spouse because it is one of the ONLY things you can do to stop the affair. Does it ALWAYS 100% work?? No, not always, but ALOT. But I can tell you this, not saying anything, rarely ever, ever, ever works. You can take a poll on that too, but no matter what, listen to what these people are telling you. They know. Unfortunately, we know.

Posts: 449 | Registered: Feb 2011
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, September 6th (Friday)

His wife deserves to know as you deserve to know. It was the WS's that have caused this mess and have destroyed the families. It is not the news that has done it. It is truly their selfishness. In telling your children, I would take them quietly and tell them that this has to do with issues with MOM and DAD and NOT at all them. It will be important that they do not take the blame. You might be surprised that they know about it some anyway. Seems like my WS AP children found sexting messages he sent her....they told their dad but nothing happened. Considering counseling for the children can be very beneficial too. Good luck.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

Hey, how are things going?


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1262 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Broken6
Member
Member # 40347
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

You are stronger than you know. You say you are not assertive, but you have already taken positive steps to protect yourself and your family. I believe that God doesn't give someone more than they can handle, and so many of us registered on this site fall into that category. Hugs to you. Somehow, you will survive. So many posts to your story have priceless advice. You are stronger than you know.


The grass isn't greener on the other side, it is greener where you water it.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Aug 2013
cytron
New Member
Member # 40550
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, September 9th (Monday)

I am doing ok. I have everything setup for Saturday to tell her. I got his wife's cell phone number and plugged it into my phone.

This weekend was terrible just knowing that I should have confronted her a long time ago and just haven't been alone with her in weeks. I can't do this in front of my kids...it is going to be hard enough to do it even when we are alone on Saturday.

Thanks for all your support and I will post again after the confrontation takes place to get your thoughts.


Posts: 28 | Registered: Sep 2013
TOMTEFAR
Member
Member # 39257
Default  Posted: 1:55 AM, September 9th (Monday)

.. it seems most people try to R

This is actually a missconception you have there. It is true that most people on this and other forums try to R but most people in your situation files for D rigth away without going to any forum like this.

So you get a loopsided idea of what people actually does in these situations if you base it on what people write here or on other forums.

This doesn't mean you should D though. That is something you need to figure out for your self and as many have said here Before do take your time in figuring that out.

Best of luck to you.

[This message edited by TOMTEFAR at 1:58 AM, September 9th (Monday)]


Posts: 107 | Registered: May 2013
seriouslylostit
Member
Member # 23987
Default  Posted: 4:05 AM, September 9th (Monday)

Be repaired with evidence in hand. It's amazing how they will attempt to gaslight until painted into a corner. And even then...

Posts: 843 | Registered: May 2009
cytron
New Member
Member # 40550
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Well, as I gather my thoughts, prayers and other things in preparation for dropping the bomb on my spouse that I know about her EA and PA that has lasted for at least 6 months, I found out that she changed the passcode on her phone. I wanted to check to see if there were any recent messages just so I had all the information I needed. New passcode. You have to understand that she has used the same passcode for ATM, etc. for 20 years and has never used anything different.

Do you think she is suspicious that I know? She certainly didn't let on tonight that she did. Personally I hope she is suspicious of what I know and I hope she is shaking uncontrollably.

I looked at the phone records and no texts or calls between her and him, but remember they work together all day long.

Can't wait until Saturday!!!


Posts: 28 | Registered: Sep 2013
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Yep, she suspects something. They've gone underground.

You need to move. While you may have some of the evidence, there is more out there and you are giving her/them time to construe a cover story and destroy the remaining evidence.

My 2 cents worth anyway.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2870 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, September 12th (Thursday)

^^^^^^ditto^^^^^^^^


You need to tell the other BS tonight.

There is a very strong possibility the OM is already starting to spin the "crazy, controlling spouse of my friend" speech to his wife.

They always do.............

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6563 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
kannan
Member
Member # 36057
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, September 12th (Thursday)

I looked at the phone records and no texts or calls between her and him, but remember they work together all day long.

If they are working together means they are in contact and continuing the A. She changed her password means she is still in the A.

If she wanted R, she should quit her job and find something new.

You should also get tested for STD/HIV.

Then one more thing,Men who are scared, weak and needy are unattractive to women. Its time for you to man up the real alpha man not the beta gamma combination but real alpha.


Posts: 139 | Registered: Jul 2012
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

(((hugs))) Yeah, it''s probable that either she suspects something, or her OM''s wife does, and they are being proactive. If you want/need to wait until Saturday to confront because of the kids, then right now, just be mild as milk, haven''t even notice the changed password, Mr. Clueless. They are probably trying to go underground now, but since you have the evidence, you know better, and if you don''t let on that anything has changed in these next couple of days, they may relax a bit until Saturday.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

(((hugs))) Yeah, it''s probable that either she suspects something, or her OM''s wife does, and they are being proactive. If you want/need to wait until Saturday to confront because of the kids, then right now, just be mild as milk, haven''t even notice the changed password, Mr. Clueless. They are probably trying to go underground now, but since you have the evidence, you know better, and if you don''t let on that anything has changed in these next couple of days, they may relax a bit until Saturday.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

If you have to wait until Saturday to be alone to confront, then so be it. You already know enough. You know she has and is continually betraying you.

But when you do confront, which I am sure that you have tried to play out every scenario in your mind, just remember---accept nothing less than what your gut is telling you. PERIOD. Actual proof at this point means jack squat in my opinion. You know what she has done, and you know what you are expecting to hear---which is not going to settle well with you. But that doesn't mean that you don't deserve the truth...as shitty as it may be.

Don't look for that glimmer of hope that things may not be as bad as they seem. Hope is not your friend during confrontation--facts and truth are. And the better that you are prepared to handle the truth...and mete out consequences if not...then the faster you are on your road to personal healing---with or without your wife.

This is not your fault.
You did nothing to deserve this.
You deserve the truth.

Repeat those lines as much as necessary to be certain that you understand this.

Then confront. Good luck.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2054 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
traildad
Member
Member # 35258
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

I know you are probably in the heat of confrontation right now. Just wanted to send you strength brother.


Me BH - 33
3 beautiful young children
DDay 12/13/11
Divorced.

Posts: 650 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Michigan
Topic Posts: 62