SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: Such Pain
mightbstupid
New Member
Member # 40553
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Sorry this is so long. We've been married for eight years, and have two children - five and six. For the last three years we've had problems. We've tried to work on them, but it is like we worked on them at different times. I hit a low spot in December, but got back on antidepressants. For the past 9 months, we've been doing well. Not 100%, but doing well. Sex wasn't regular, but it was happening and it was good. He travels constantly for work (and has to), and he's constantly in hotels with coworkers.

Part of our problems was his contact with a OW, who was a coworker. I wasn't happy with his contact with her, for the whole 3 years, but 2.5 years ago I got a missent text that broke me. It was ambiguous, but it was very flirty. Checking his text message history, they had texted hundred of times every month for months. We talked through it, he said nothing was happening, I begged him to go NC but he didn't. For a year, I kept bringing it up, but he kept doing it.

He was a man of character. If you told 100 people that knew us that there was infidelity in our marriage, they would all say it was me. It is so very unlike him. So I believed him. He looked me in the eye and I believed him.

Friday, I got an email from her husband. I called my husband. He was traveling but about to catch a plane home. I wasn't confronting him, I was just trying to figure out what was going on. The email also was ambiguous, and I sent back a 5 point email on why I thought the OW husband was wrong.

By this point my husband was on the plane. He emailed me (wifi in the sky) and asked what he should do. I said not to contact the woman and just let it play out. I get an email from the OW husband who quotes back parts of the conversation I had with my husband. He was watching the iMessage conversation between the two of them in real time. They were trying to hide everything.

I still wasn't convinced. I wait for him outside, and when he gets home he says things had gone too far but "Look me in the eye, I did not cheat on you."

We go through all the pain of Fri night and Sat morning. I tell him that he's a good father (he is), and we're holding it together talking rationally. I wasn't going to throw him out, and I told him that. But on Sat afternoon I ask him one last time, and I said if I ever found out he was lying, I would throw him out.

He took a deep breath and remorsefully told me the truth. He'd been sleeping with her on trips for two years. TWO YEARS. He wasn't sleeping with her when I got the text and he told me he wasn't, but it happened soon after. Maybe a hundred times. He would tell me good night and that he loved me, then go to her room and @&#$. He'd spend the night.

Oh the pain. I thought it was once or twice. I was all set to totally forgive. I can understand the sex and getting caught up. I can't understand looking me in the eye, coming home to me, all that crap for two years.

For the past three days he has apologized over and over. He's answered every question I've had. I can tell he's in pain. He's remorseful. He's being truthful (finally). He said it was never love, never talked about love, but I can't imagine how it couldn't have been.

When I ask why, he says he can't give me all the answers. He said he was trying to fill a void, but she never did and he doesn't know why he continued. He said she made it easy for him and was the aggressor (which I believe). This is not her first coworker A. She had the condoms the first time, and every time after that.

He wants to make it work, I want to make it work. He says it won't happen again and that he'll never so much as have a friendship with a woman. He felt he was above it all, that because of his character and religion it couldn't happen to him. But now he knows it can, and he will run away from everything that could lead him astray. He sent a NC letter, and I believe him. He had worked to make sure they were on the same trip for the last three days this week at her request (!!). He volunteered this information and called in sick. Turns out she called in sick too, but whatever.

I don't know what to do next. We talked about a vision of what we want our marriage to be. I believe if we had a marriage that was working, he would not of strayed. We also talked about how we were both responsible for the marriage problems, and how we could have done things differently, and how we can avoid them in the future. He takes 100% responsibility for the affair, and has never turned it back on me, but I know I bear 50% of the responsibility for our marriage troubles.

Can we move past this? Can we ever work this out? I feel like an idiot staying. I asked him what he would say about to his daughter if she was in this position, and he said he'd tell her to kick the dirtbag to the curb. I want to believe it can't happen again, but how can I believe anything when he could look me in the eye and lie? And I caught him! He didn't end it! That hurts too.

I haven't eaten a full meal in 4 days now. I've been absolutely sick in every way. This is just such a mess.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
Pippy
Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You are welcome here and most of us have been in the same position you are in now. We understand your pain and the need for help.

Your WS sounds like he is sincere and remorseful. That is a really good sign. You should go to some MC/IC to help you navigate this. Also read everything in the Healing Library.

Please keep posting and know that you are not alone. We DO understand. Hugs.


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9587 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

MightBeStupid, welcome to the club no one wants to join.

I guess my biggest piece of advice is to be aware that you never really get the truth first time out the gate. Alot of cheaters will blame their affair partner for just about everything they did, and it seems your husband is doing the same thing they all seem to do.

I think it's important these guys come clean and take the blame for their parts in these affairs, rather than throwing their affair partners under the bus and acting as though they were "weak and helpless" against the almighty and aggressive OW or OM.

The point of pressing for the real truth on D-Day is to avoid the ugly 'trickle truth' in the future, and the hurt that goes along with it. And yes, it is pretty amazing how easily they can lie right to your face, so I think we can all identify with that statement.

You may want to spend some time in the Healing Library reading the excellent articles offered there.

Good luck to you and I wish you peace of mind and spirit.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1751 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
TheClimb
Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

I believe if we had a marriage that was working, he would not of strayed

WRONG! The affair happened because something wasn't working in HIM. Your marriage had nothing to do with it.

He needs to figure this out and fix his problem. Are they still working/traveling together? One of them needs to go; it will be very hard for you to get over this pain if they are still working together. Everyday he goes to work or goes out of town will tear another piece of your heart out.

I hope they don't take the affair underground. It is great that the other BS contacted you and is watching her.

Keep us posted and take care of yourself.

PS: YOU are not stupid, we all believed our spouses.


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 461 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
mightsurvive
New Member
Member # 38794
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Please read in Reconciliation the thread on guilt outweighing pleasure. It may give you insight on why it continued so long. I know it is hard to understand (you will eventually come to accept that you will never understand it as you cannot rationalise the irrational) my husbands affair lasted just over a year and he came home and laid next to me every night and looked me in the eyes and lied to me more times than I care to remember.


BW 37-me
WH 40
Kids
Dday Dec 2011
Reconciling

Posts: 48 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
mightbstupid
New Member
Member # 40553
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Are they still working/traveling together?

Yes and no. They went out of their way to travel together. They can go out of their way not to, and only cross paths occasionally.

Alot of cheaters will blame their affair partner for just about everything they did, and it seems your husband is doing the same thing they all seem to do.

He's really not. He's taking 100% of the blame. But he is saying that she made it really easy and pushed for it. It was not her first coworker affair, and knowing him I believe it.

I appreciate your responses, and I am taking all the advice I can.

I had a very bad experience with IC when I was younger, and I'm really not willing to do it. I think it would be a very bad idea for me.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

You seem like a very sweet person, but you need to stop believing everything your WH says. Cheaters lie and thats a fact. He looks you in the eye and lies to your face. Right now you need actions and not words. If they will be coming into contact on the job, then he needs a new job, period!!! It doesn't matter who the aggressor was. If he had good boundaries, was of good character, etc...he wouldn't have cheated for two years. It was probably more like 3yrs since it started as an emotional affair, that went physical.

I know you want to believe him now. DON'T. More will come out. They never tell the whole truth right out of the box. Do not let him blameshift this to the OW. She did not hold a gun to his head for years to make him continue the A. I don't care how many others she has had before, during, or after your WH. He is the problem you are facing, not the OW.

Keep checking on him. Believe the other BS, two eyes are better than one. Don't let him lie and take this underground as many waywards do. Keep reading and posting. We are here for support. You will learn so much by reading others posts. Not all situations are the same, but the general stuff usually is. It does get better after the initial shock wears off. Do not make any rash decisions at this point. (((HUGS)))

edit: Just wanted you to know you are not stupid, just trusting like the rest of us before we found out the truth.

[This message edited by TrustGone at 2:53 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
mightbstupid
New Member
Member # 40553
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Another job is not an option. It is a highly skilled field with unions. He is paid based on seniority, and to take another job, he would take about a $50k paycut. I have to trust him on that :/

Posts: 3 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
Reegz
New Member
Member # 40391
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

mightbstupid,

I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh - I apologize in advance.

I understand the need to give your partner the benefit of the doubt and to continue to love him despite his BETRAYAL of your relationship with him and his BETRAYAL of you. But you sound like your still in some denial about the whole thing.

Whether or not this woman has been in affairs before or not, your husband chose to be with her for an extended period of time. There was no gun to his head - correct?

I'm sure your marriage had problems, mine did too, it's 50% my fault - PRE-AFFAIR. But the affair is not your fault, it is 100% HIS FAULT. Does she have some sort of blackmail on him? If not, then he was a concious and willing participant in the affair and he needs to be treated as such.

Please get access to all emails, social media accounts and the like. Also, have him change his phone number for his mobile IMMEDIATELY. He needs to put his money where his mouth is.

Also, him changing jobs should be a possibility. You need to decide if the extra money is really worth your happiness and your relationship. I'm sure you count on the money to sustain your lifestyle but this is something to seriously consider.

Forward all texts, emails and proof of infidelity to yourself, if you still can.

Lawyer up.


Me: 40 BH
Her: 36 WW
Clues Discovered - EA - May/June 2013.
D-Day - Confirmation of EA and discovery of PA - August 20, 2013.
4 to 5 month affair.
We are in recovery. Taking it a day a time.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: New York
Topic Posts: 9