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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Cuts deep
Running the Race
Member
Member # 19755
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

I picked my kids up today, they told me (without me asking), that they talked to their mom and asked her if she would ever remarry. My exw always said no to me, she told them yes, as long as she was happy and the kids were happy. Which I figure is a good answer, it just hurt to hear.
If she is open to getting remarried, I figure she is totally over me.
For those who follow my posts, they know I'm struggling to move on and get her out of my head, it just hurts that it's not a problem for her.
Btw: my kids first asked me, I said right now I'd say no, because a lot of people run right into a relationship after a breakup before dealing with their own issues. This is the answer before they told me their moms.


BS-Me (38)
FWW-(37)
3 Kids-
2009-She wants divorce
2009-2012 trying to R
2012-she wants a divorce again
2012-we are divorced
2013- trying MC to work it out, she does show some remorse, but I can't trust here anymore
2013- she moved out,

Posts: 133 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: California
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

For those who follow my posts, they know I'm struggling to move on and get her out of my head, it just hurts that it's not a problem for her.

Running,

This is the first post I've seen of yours, and it of course struck a chord in me. (Don't know if you're familiar with my saga.) I then read your earlier posts.

You are not alone--as you well know by reading all the wonderfully supportive responses on SI. But I also know that at the end of the day (literally and figuratively) we are ultimately alone in our grief. And that is hard as hell. I have never felt so much pain--or knew that I was capable OF such pain.

I have just begun divorce, which is rapidly becoming ugly, adding to my pain. Some days I feel like I'm "getting there" but most days--today for example--I am in grief. Like you, I miss my wife intensely (or who she "used to be") and I wonder if she grieves the loss of me and our beautiful tight family, our home, our plans, all that we went through and worked for.

This is normal and natural. We loved our wives and still do. The roots are so deep. I wish I knew precisely when our pain will stop, and like you, I am often frightened at the prospect that I will be unhappy for the rest of my life, while she has found what and who will make her happy, and that all I am to her is the enemy. The one who somehow drove her away.

But we must have faith in so many of the people here on SI. They loved their spouses. They were shocked, they grieved. But they moved on and have found happiness and reached the holy grail of indifference. We want to rush to that place away from this pain, away from our loss. But it can't be rushed. We will suffer awhile longer, brother. A hard reality.

My dad died eight years ago, and my mom two. I never thought I would get past that grief. It took a few years before the intensity of it diminished. I know this situation is different; the grief is different. But my point is that at the time of their deaths, I was just as convinced that I would be as unhappy for the rest of my life as I was in the immediate aftermath of their passing.

But time does its thing. The pain came and went, came and went, until one day I realized that the intervals had become longer between pain and "normality."

I expect and hope that the same will occur for us in our anguish. We will meet another, we will fall in love, and she will love us more than our wife's did. Why? Because--and I am plagiarizing this from the book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing--our capacity for love has increased, believe it or not. I know mine has.

They left us because they are unhappy people, not because we made them unhappy. I am doing my best to put her behind me and it is so hard. But a happy future without her is also making its appearance more and more. Sometimes for only minutes at a time, but thank god these minutes have finally arrived.

Yours will arrive. Time feels like our enemy, but it will ultimately prove our greatest friend.

Strength and patience.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 7:29 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1471 | Registered: Dec 2012
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

No matter what your wife's answer, yours is the answer of a responsible adult. Good for you!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 10 and 13
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1354 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

But yes, I've heard similar from The Princess, and it hurt like hell.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 10 and 13
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1354 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Running the Race
Member
Member # 19755
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Thank you both for your posts. I saw her the other day, the thing is, when I see her, I really don't see the women I married anymore. She's just not there. But I grieve the loss of the women I thought I married.

Thanks again.


BS-Me (38)
FWW-(37)
3 Kids-
2009-She wants divorce
2009-2012 trying to R
2012-she wants a divorce again
2012-we are divorced
2013- trying MC to work it out, she does show some remorse, but I can't trust here anymore
2013- she moved out,

Posts: 133 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: California
mrmaximum
Member
Member # 15965
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Donít post often, but something about your thread really got to me. Maybe Iím totally offbase but something you said really got me thinking.

My exw always said no to me, she told them yes, as long as she was happy and the kids were happy. Which I figure is a good answer, it just hurt to hear.

Yeah I bet but then you said something else;

Btw: my kids first asked me, I said right now I'd say no, because a lot of people run right into a relationship after a breakup before dealing with their own issues. This is the answer before they told me their moms.

Interesting. Children are innocent and I could just see them saying ďDaddy had saidÖĒ Just a shot in the dark, but I wonder if her response was said simply to get back to you? Listen, either way the painful but necessary journey of self-healing has to be dealt with. We all wish it was easier, but you can bet dollars to doughnuts that an unremorseful ex isnít going to make anything easier whatsoever.

You may be trying to find the logic in this. There possibly isnít any save someone who probably doesnít care about your feelings or may wish to turn the knife. Either way, see things for how they really are. It takes time, (that damn dreaded term) but itís fullness does seem to move mountains.

Sorry that you find yourself in this predicament, but as someone else has stated here;

No matter what your wife's answer, yours is the answer of a responsible adult. Good for you!

Ainít it the truth, ainít it the truth!!!

[This message edited by mrmaximum at 10:14 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]


You do not destroy the ones you love!!!
Best quote EVAR;
"Lose the battle, win the war" EZ4U

Posts: 63 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Georgetown
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

I really don't see the women I married anymore. She's just not there. But I grieve the loss of the women I thought I married.

^^This for me too. I am grieving it like a death except without the guilt about smiling/laughing.

The early months were the worst for me. But I have to say having now spent a year dealing with this guy being who he really is there is nothing more that he could do to hurt me except by hurting my girls.

Deep down in the still ugly parts of myself that I don't like to walk around I think I will be evil happy when he remarries and has more children - especially if its with OWUmpteen or any of the other OW. I know how this story goes and I know its ugly end. I'll be glad for the OW to know it too and for the sad clown to go through it all again. I am hopeful it will take some of his focus off me.

In reality I don't really want this to happen in my girls lives again nor the poor innocent not yet born kids.

I figure she is totally over me.

Gently, she would have detached from you well before her first betrayal. She, like many WSs, is a coward who took the cowardly way out by cheating. I did too when I slept around immediately after DD. I wasn't anywhere near over him for some time. What I was doing had nothing to do with him and everything to do with my messed up coping mechanisms.

It is often talked about here that WS's have had a lot of time to come to terms with this situation well before we ever find out. So whilst we're at ground zero looking at the wasteland around us going "WTF just happened?" they appear to be skipping off into the sunset. In reality its not true happiness - its that head in the sand, compartmentalisation kind of happiness, synthetic and not long lasting.

I know none of this helps right now when you're right in the thick of it. You're still reeling and wondering why she isn't fighting for you, for your M, for your family. I now look back and wonder why the hell I fought so hard for someone so undeserving - why the hell I didn't fight half as much for myself.

Sometime soon you'll see her lack of remorse as a gift. In my case it freed me when I did not have the strength nor courage to free myself. It really was the kindest thing he did to me in at least the last 5 years.

Keep working on it. Keep reading. Keep posting. With enough practice and effort detachment will happen and this stuff won't hurt so bad.

((RTR))


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4565 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

I have not seen your posts before but we are very similar . Cheating with no remorse is a whole other shit storm . My stbxw had an exit affair with no remorse at all! Not for one second , it has been 5 months since Dday and I am trying so hard not to love her , I can't look or hear her voice or even see her name in any form. It is crazy how the mind works. I have gotten better. Time is working. But I wanted to tell you this also happened to me , my son came in the car one day ( he was 6 at the time ) and says " daddy do you miss mommy?" I said of course I do very much. Why do you ask? Because mommy says " she doesn't miss you " . That was a knife plunged deep that day . In typing it I still feel the pain but with less intensity. So I feel your pain brother , I am here with you and tons of others on this journey. I am sorry we are all here but we will be ok eventually . For me know I go through the motions , like a robot!


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 580 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
trumanshow
Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

Because mommy says " she doesn't miss you "


sorry-she's a selfish bitch. Who would tell a child this? I wouldn't -even if it were true- even if I was speaking about a WS


Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed


Posts: 1666 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
mom of 2
Member
Member # 11214
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

Running the Race, I read your post and I can very much relate.

XWH and I have been divorced since 2008. XH has always said he would never EVER remarry. I always believed that for many reasons and also his father and his brother never remarried after their divorces.

Lo and behold, XWH called me a month ago to tell me he was really serious about a girl he was dating and was considering getting engaged. I was floored and devastated.

I do NOT want to get back with my X. I barely see or talk to him since our divorce. And when I do, like you, I don't *see* the man I married either. I had no idea I would react so strongly to his possible engagement news. Cuts deep is right.

Just wanted you to know I understand and I am sorry.


Me: BW
Divorced after 23 years of M thanks to XH's truth trickle.
Status: Recovering and healing. It's going to be a long hard road.

Update November 2013: It only took seven years but I finally turned a corner. :)


Posts: 13260 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: The suburbs of hell
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

Yes, this is going to come up for us, too. Perv was talking about being remarried over a year ago...to my relatives, but not me.

I share some of the sentiments you do, Running, in that I don't wish to begin again while the grief is loitering and life is so up in the air. I would wish for a new person that comes along to meet me in a more natural state than this and not have to share the ugly burdens that accompany divorce, though the loneliness is gut wrenching sometimes.

On your thread people also mention the ex as being like a different person now...for me and a family member who was abandoned by their spouse, it feels like our spouse died...I feel like a widow, truthfully, even though I know he is out there somewhere living a life he thinks is improved. I think of him as if he died and it's easier somehow, though no less grief, but the person he is now is continuing to hurt me and destroy my life, so who he was for me is gone to great extent.

What you wrote about WW and quickly entering new relationships reminds me of that old word, "rebound relationship", that happens quickly and as a way to stave off loneliness.

A counselor told me that this is often an NPD trait and I don't know how true that is, but I believe it of Perv with the whole ego thing.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

Your response was absolutely healthy and truthful. My kids are older but whenever the ask me about dating or remarriage, I always tell them that I have a lot of healing to do first. I want them to know that marriage IS a big deal and relationships are a big deal too.

I am sorry that you are hurting. I hope that as each day goes by, she is taking less and less head space. She doesn't deserve or is worthy of any. You are still grieving the woman you thought you married. This will take time (I know people hate that word). Hang in there. It does get better.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
I FINALLY GOT A COURT DATE: 5/29/14!!

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Oct 2012
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

In reality its not true happiness - its that head in the sand, compartmentalisation kind of happiness, synthetic and not long lasting.

My xWW also had an exit affair and was vey unremorseful. I couldn't believe this was the same person who was inflicting so much pain on me and just didn't seem to care. Three weeks after Dday she informed me that God had forgiven her for what she did. Just like said above. It was her way of compartmentalizing what she did and putting her head in the sand. I don't know even how to explain it to people who haven't experienced it. Most of our friends still see her as this perfect wonderful person. When all I want to do I scream out at them that they are so blind.


BS(me) 47
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1367 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Running the Race
Member
Member # 19755
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

Thank you all for your replies .


BS-Me (38)
FWW-(37)
3 Kids-
2009-She wants divorce
2009-2012 trying to R
2012-she wants a divorce again
2012-we are divorced
2013- trying MC to work it out, she does show some remorse, but I can't trust here anymore
2013- she moved out,

Posts: 133 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: California
Topic Posts: 14