SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
General
User Topic: OM lost his job bc of the a
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

I'm struggling with emotions over this development. In the name of honesty in marriage, I told WW about OM being forced to resign. She was understandably upset at this and also because the story is getting out including her name being mentioned as his ap. However...
I am angry that she became upset and withdrawn. I know it's unreasonable for me to think that she wouldn't be upset, especially since she was partially responsible for this. But still it angers me to see her grieving over his predicament. I know it's unreasonable, but it feels like disloyalty. Short term: I suppose I'll get over it. Long term: I'm not willing to endure another 15 years of her heart being elsewhere.
2 months since dday #5. There won't be a dday #6

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Is the OM a minister that lost his post?

I like the verse: (paraphrased) those whom much is given much is required. So take that and find a secular job creep.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2181 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

yep, he was

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

She may not be mourning the loss of her AP....I would bet she is ashamed that her A is now full time town news, that the OM lost his job and she has created a mess in her family.

Just a thought.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

My Mom's AP was a minister. Still is. They're married now. I wish the hypocrite had faced some consequences. Your wife's AP doesn't deserve an ounce of sympathy. The fact that she thinks he does is beyond concerning.

Posts: 1677 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

There are several people in relationships that I know of and the other person was their counselor. One is a psychiatrist.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2229 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

quoththeraven1 - she's upset cause she had as much to do with it as him and probably feels very responsible. I know that my FWW felt very responsible for OM's marriage, but if he would have lost his job over the A and everyone would know, she would probably have been more suicidal than she already was.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

but it feels like disloyalty

If it walks like a duck....

It IS disloyalty.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

Considering she hasn't been very remorseful..and took the A underground for a few more years..I don't think she is ashamed of her behavior at all. I think she is embarrassed that the affair is being gossiped about..and she is worried about her reputation. She had an affair with a minister..and a man who was her friend's husband...that paints her in a very bad light.

Oh well. When you carry on an affair you should expect consequences.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7399 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

could you please explain why you think you are being unreasonable?

it sounds like she is again choosing him over you.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2822 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

Thanks for the thoughtful responses, both pro and con. I read each one carefully. In answer to the question about why it might be unreasonable to think the way I am currently, it's the time factor. I don't know that it is possible to simply turn off feelings that have been nurtured carefully for 15 years. Those feelings were wrong, but they are still there in her heart. I expect her to work on this, and I am willing to allow time for this to happen. I am not apologizing for resenting those feelings, but to act on my anger is not appropriate. So, my reaction, while not reasonable is like hers: disappointing, but to be expected. Dig?

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

but to act on my anger is not appropriate
. I am not attempting to be snarky, but why not, in an appropriate manner? The story of the money changers in the temple comes to mind.

IMO, righteous anger is one thing, mindless is another. Wouldn't it be appropriate for her to help you deal with your anger?

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2822 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, September 6th (Friday)

And on a side note, I am glad to hear from you but I sure wish it was because of better news. And I wholly agree with 5454real about righteous anger vice mindless.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4802 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, September 6th (Friday)

I am sooo sorry..
I wish I could hug you.
Noone deserves to be cheated on but for 15 years I have no words..


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3187 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
redrock
Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, September 6th (Friday)

But still it angers me to see her grieving over his predicament. I know it's unreasonable, but it feels like disloyalty.

It would anger me as well. There are consequences for destructive choices. His predicament is of his (and your wives) making.

Her feelings may be difficult to turn off, but now is the time to dig into the fact that the foundation of those feelings are lies, fiction and fantasy.

I love a great movie. A director uses character, music, light, mood, and very specific shots to evoke a reaction from the audience.

I still remember what it felt like when Sergeant Elias was killed by Sergeant Barnes in Platoon. I had a whole bunch of feelings. I sobbed like a baby.. that movie was freaking great. It sure felt real, but it wasn't.

Having a certain feeling doesn't make it authentic. It is time that your wife woke up to the fact that she is a GREAT director of lies. She lies best and most convincingly to herself. And at some point it is just going to get tiresome and sad for you to watch. She needs to stop wallowing in the feelings and examine the person behind them.

I would advise her to Turn off the tragic meter. Wake up and have the courage to see it for all the ugly it was in glorious close up.

[This message edited by redrock at 4:52 PM, September 6th (Friday)]


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

Thank you Heartache; that was almost as good as a real hug. I don't get any of those. I am still on my island, even though everyone pretty much knows now. Friends are afraid to call me, I guess.
Redrock, I hear you loud and clear. As I do 5454, but I still think that the time factor is significant. I suppose that a question regarding why would have been appropriate on my part. However, there are two problems with asking for explanations. 1-I don't trust her answers. 2-I don't feel like asking anything.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

Nice to hear from you too, Skan

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

Oh my QTR1! What a conundrum.

...there are two problems with asking for explanations. 1-I don't trust her answers. 2-I don't feel like asking anything.

Betrayal is exhausting.

But still it angers me to see her grieving over his predicament. I know it's unreasonable, but it feels like disloyalty.

And it is disloyalty! Her reaction is like a slap in the face!

IMHO, I think that you are over thinking her position.

Why are you trying to fathom her 15 year trysts with this creep? And the added insult of her sympathy with said creep about his come-uppance?

You are too kind. Try to think of yourself, your own healing. Be kind to yourself.

And when you catch your wind, please let your displeasure and irritation be known to her.

Loyalty is a piller of a safe marriage.

I'm not willing to endure another 15 years of her heart being elsewhere.

'Nuff said!

Please protect your own heart.
(((((QTR1)))))


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

And when you catch your wind, please let your displeasure and irritation be known to her.

Loyalty is a piller of a safe marriage.

Sound advice.

Now unfortunately I'm kind of waiting to lose my job as well. I need to call a meeting and let everything be known with this congregation, but so far I haven't been able to do that. I hate the thought of causing embarrassment to my wife after she has made a change, and I don't really feel like inviting further consequences on myself after everything I have been through. But I have much for which to answer myself.

It's not just the scandal with my wife, but the things I did that I insisted on admitting out of fairness. Those things will also be known. It doesn't seem very fair that our consequences will be equal, Little Prince Charming and I, but I guess that's how it is.


Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

Now unfortunately I'm kind of waiting to lose my job as well.
I'm not quite sure what's happening here, are you employed by the same church where the OP was pastor?

Anyway, back to this:

to act on my anger is not appropriate.
IMHO, it is absolutely important. Now, I'm certainly not advocating hurting anyone, but honestly expressing rage and anger over such a horrific betrayal is perfectly normal, and a natural consequence of what has happened.I think people that stifle that anger are harming themselves. Anger can be very helpful as a vehicle for change. So much injustice in the world has been righted because people got angry.

hate the thought of causing embarrassment to my wife after she has made a change
You will not be causing embarrassment to your wife; she has brought embarrassment on to herself. Why are you absorbing the fallout for what she and the OP did? Let go of the outcome. Actions have consequences, and they will have to suffer the fallout of their own actions. You have nothing to do with it.

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 2:45 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

I know it's unreasonable for me to think that she wouldn't be upset, especially since she was partially responsible for this.

MMM...not so fast, 'raven - since she is so responsible for this, I would expect a remorseful WS to suck it up and say to you, to herself, and to the world, 'This is just another consequence of what we did.'


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10063 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

PainPain:
I am a minister at another congregation.
Sisoon: That makes sense. But I wouldn't expect anyone to not be upset over the devastation you cause yourself. Isn't it ultimately about doing the right thing regardless of how you happen to feel?

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

You will not be causing embarrassment to your wife; she has brought embarrassment on to herself. Why are you absorbing the fallout for what she and the OP did? Let go of the outcome. Actions have consequences, and they will have to suffer the fallout of their own actions. You have nothing to do with it.

This merits repeating^^^

I get that you are still married to your WW. Standing by her and attempting to R with her is very noble. It's a gift!

But these are decisions that she made unilaterally. You did not cause this breech, she did with her AP.

Remove yourself from the fall out from their betrayal. Stay focused on what is your beeswax...her cheating and now disloyalty.

Isn't it ultimately about doing the right thing regardless of how you happen to feel?

Yes, from a pastors point of view, that is correct. And God Bless you for having empathy for the situation.

BUT...

This is about your personal life. YOU are the priority. Your feelings trump anything that gets in the way of your healing from this shitstorm called infidelity.

Turn inward. Seek answers for your own well being. This is crisis time. Anything less than recognizable remorse and 100% fealty is unacceptable.

Please don't tarry waiting for her to come around. This is your life. You will have to be selfish to survive this. (Sorry WW) And if she does not understand this...well...that is kinda her defacto answer of what she really thinks of you.

Like I said before...Please protect your heart.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

But I wouldn't expect anyone to not be upset over the devastation you cause yourself.

Devastation to the uninformed/non-participating parties.

OM's loss of position is one of his consequences due to his and your WW's behavior. That devastation isn't what warrants being upset about. The congregation that listened and relied on OM, and now has lost that way of life---that is devastation that deserves sympathy. They were innocent, and affected by damage from others. You and OBS's pain and suffering also deserves sympathy.

Please try to redefine your lines of what is and is not considered disloyal.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2052 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

Thanks again for the input everyone.

GettingtoHappy: I have to try and do the right thing no matter what. A lack of empathy has always been one my greatest faults. I find that I often don't understand how others feel, although my w may have exaggerated that fault. I do think that I have compassion even without empathy.

Anyway, the point is that there is a big part of me that hesitates investing any more time in this. But I am in love with this woman, and she says that she is committed to real change. The ball was certainly in my court, and it still is, for but I want to try for now

JB: I'm not sure I understand what you meant by redefining what constitutes disloyalty. I certainly understand the part about reserving sympathy for the innocent bystanders damaged, but the redefining part, I don't get

[This message edited by quoththeraven1 at 11:20 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]


Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Update: and now I have lost my job bc of the a. Not a good day yesterday. I had allowed myself to think that we could move past this scandal. I was wrong

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
Chicky
Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

I'm so sorry, however, I don't understand how you have now lost your job because of what they did. Especially since you are over another flock. Would you mind explaining?


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 549 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Like I have always said, "Everything is good until somebody gets hurt."

Affairs are pure evil. Everything about an affair sucks. Unfortunately it always seems to be the BS who suffers the most.

I am going to have to agree with some of the posters and say that your ww is probably more upset over the fact that she has been ratted out. And if she really is grieving over the lost a, then shame on her for hurting you even further. A ws for the most part has lots of guilt and little remorse, if they get upset over them being the news of the day. They are the ones who put themselves in that position in the first place, not the BS.


Posts: 2426 | Registered: Sep 2005
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

I am so sorry to hear about your job. Please remember that we all have personal failings. We''re saved, not perfect. But just because you have a personal failing doesn''t mean that they all "weigh'' the same.

Pornography is wrong. Erotica, when shared between spouses (and I know you know of the Biblical passages I am thinking about) can be part of the cement that bonds two people together. As well you should know by now, Porn is faceless and isolating a total negation of couples bonding. It is solitary, selfish, and introspective.

But going out and laying down with another person, committing adultery, is a far greater betrayal than that solitary, selfish path of porn. You hurt yourself, and your wife, with your obsession. And as the BW of someone who used porn, sex cams, and pay me to do X sites, I fully understand what porn is and its effects. None of this compares to having a spouse who willfully, decisively, and purposefully goes out and gets laid by another person. To me, at least, it''s the difference between a punch to the gut and a knife to the gut. Plus the betrayal is far more than just she and you. There are other people involved the branches of impact spread out much wider.

And being that you''re a minister, all of this is even more greatly magnified. Sounds harsh, but truth.

So, here the two of you are. What will you do with yourselves? What will you choose for your lives? What path will you follow together, or apart? Big choices ahead for you.

I wish you well, my brother. I hope for the best for you. You are in my prayers.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4802 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

I am so sorry QTR1. What a damn drag!

I wish there was more that we could do for you.

Just know that you are in our hearts and minds. We are here to listen and empathize with you.

Let us help you heal. Keep posting, keep reaching out. We are here and we care.

((((((((((QTR1)))))))))


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Chicky: They wanted to keep me, but the scandal of the preacher's wife in a 15 year affair was thought to be too much for the congregation to live down.
Skan: You are the most wondrous combination of blunt truthful and compassion. Thank you. I wish you were here to help my w see this. What will we do? We are now committed to moving forward. I need a job and a house since I have committed myself to staying in this town, at least until my younger son gets through school.
Happy: You just did much for me by what you took time to write. Thank you

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
JanetS
Member
Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 1:45 AM, September 27th (Friday)

Even with your explanation I still do not see how you lost your job.

You've been considering divorce, and it is justified here. Taking that step might change the storyline here?

You have a young son, and you say you are committed to moving forward. Does this mean a re-commitment to the marriage. If so, get yourselves into counselling.

Is the whole story out....the prior d-days you ignored....the prior addiction to porn? (you've done the right thing in this regard for a long time, with a few slips). I guess the congregation might feel uncomfortable about that...but do they even know that part?

Is your job loss permanent, or are you free, down the road, to try to find a new congregation?

If not, are you trained in counselling? Maybe you could find a calling there.

In the 1990's husband and I some in-crisis MC,and went to a Catholic priest recommended by my Anglican minister.

He was very good at what he did, and part of the reason was that he was a dentist before going into the ministry. In his secular life he had a girlfriend who cheated on him.

He described some very strong revenge fantasies (making the OM dance while he shot gunshots at his feet.) He did not do this, but his anger had taken his angry/revenge thoughts to that point.

His experiences with infidelity in his life I believe helped him in dealing with us. He was direct in his questions, did not take tt, or fog.

Give time for this to settle, then consider other alternatives, helping marriages in crisis...maybe that is your next calling.

In the meantime since your wife and you are committing, do work on yourselves.

Google Retrouvaille. Lots of people here have been there. It's a weekend together with others, and the theme is communication in the marriage. Your story does not have to come out...though I expect many would be there for the same reason as you.

You listen to one of the speakers then go back to your room with "homework". You come back and further talks and homework take you through the weekend. You stay at the hotel so you can fully devote yourselves. Look at their calendar over the next year and see if there is a city near you on their calendar.

Can't hurt.

God Bless you and your family, and the other family as well. Best case scenario, OM's health improves, and they recommit.

Ideally you should move away when it makes sense (child finishes school).


Posts: 2574 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, September 28th (Saturday)

Even with your explanation I still do not see how you lost your job.

Many, many questions and rumors swirling about our little town, especially regarding the preacher's wife indulging in a 15 year affair.

You've been considering divorce, and it is justified here. Taking that step might change the storyline here?

It might, but I believe it would harm our boys. Besides that, it is not what I want at this time


You have a young son, and you say you are committed to moving forward. Does this mean a re-commitment to the marriage.

Yes it does

If so, get yourselves into counselling.

At the moment, I am unwilling to go into joint counselling with her. That may sound contradictory to my ultimate desire to restore our home, but I am convinced that she needs to confront her own problems on her own first. In previous counselling, it seemed to me that she felt that our ultimate goal was to "fix" me. I went along with that because there were certainly some things that needed fixing. However, I think that her pride has always been an issue, and that she needs some straight talk from someone besides me on these issues. I am no longer willing to go along with her favorite myth that she was a wonderful wife and I was an awful husband before the affair. That being said, if I see some evidence that she is willing to deal honestly with reality, I am more than willing to do whatever is necessary to restore our home.

Is the whole story out....the prior d-days you ignored....the prior addiction to porn? (you've done the right thing in this regard for a long time, with a few slips). I guess the congregation might feel uncomfortable about that...but do they even know that part?

I felt duty bound by a sense of fairness that if anyone learned of her infidelity that they ought to know what I had done. The main issue with everyone seems to be the affair. Incidentally, I hope that I did not mislead you, but what I did over the last 5 years (until this Spring) was more than a few slips. It was months on and months off of indulging in porn. I went into counseling in 2002, and was doing things the right way up until I learned of the a in 2008. After that, and until this Spring, I failed many times

Is your job loss permanent, or are you free, down the road, to try to find a new congregation?

I am. However, I was here for 20 years, and I want to stay in this town at least until my younger son graduates.
Incidentally, the OM is unfortunately perfectly healthy. However, if I ever have to see him again, his health may take a drastic turn for the worse. That icon is as close as I can come to looking innocent. Thanks for your input, Janet


Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, September 28th (Saturday)

Im so sorry you lost your job because of your WW's actions. It is so unfair.

How did your WW react to this news?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7399 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, September 28th (Saturday)

She kind of withdrew from me for the evening. She said that she thought that I blamed her. I did to a degree. I resented her doing that, but she did make a special trip home at lunch to check on me and to ask if I were still interested in going forward together.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
JanetS
Member
Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

Just wanted you to know that I have been thinking of you and your family and hope that things are moving along as well as can be expected.

Your story impacted me greatly. Years ago I lived in a VERY northern community. 2x the pastors (both female) of my church were let go unceremoniously within a couple of years of each other. I have NO idea why. I suspect that there were power politics at play...but who knows. I know how much it hurt me to lose these nice women from our church.


Posts: 2574 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, October 7th (Monday)

Janet: Things are progressing. W finally apologized for equating my porn use with her affair. I felt like it was a big step. I told her that I had not sought sympathy from anyone who knew, but it was becoming a little absurd how many would pointedly observe when I told them of the porn use "That isn't the same." What seemed to turn the corner in her thinking was a friend of hers who is a counselor who reportedly stated to her that in her experience, an affair trumps everything else. But even better is a growing sense of partnership and very pleasant times together, and what appears to be honesty

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
JanetS
Member
Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

Well it's a long road but looks like you're travelling in the right direction.

Posts: 2574 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

Do you think that you will move to another town to get another post or stay where you are and leave the ministry?

When this happened to my dad he left the ministry even though he got a "scriptual" divorce. He just didn't have the heart to stay in that vocation. After he healed and remarried he began preaching at little churches part time. He actually disagrees with Timothy and thinks that "when you preach for free you're free to preach!"


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2181 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
Bikingguy
Member
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

Is there really anyway as WS could respond that we as BS's would like?

Case in point: WW recently said she does not miss or spend any time thinking about the OM or the A, (15 years by the way ). I am of course relived about that but I also said it is horrible that WW would risk everything, her self worth, our kids safety, not to mention my pain on something that apparently meant so little to her. WW response was "Oh, I cared about him a lot"


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 671 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I don't know that it is possible to simply turn off feelings that have been nurtured carefully for 15 years. Those feelings were wrong, but they are still there in her heart. I expect her to work on this, and I am willing to allow time for this to happen.

You are a heck of a lot nicer and more understanding than I am.

After my H did what he did, if his dick OR his heart even so much as twinges about anything NOT having to do with me...he is GONE.

The fact that she has any reaction towards him utter than laughing in his face or vomiting is not anything that I would have any patience for.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

After my H did what he did, if his dick OR his heart even so much as twinges about anything NOT having to do with me...he is GONE.

OMG I feel the same way

Yeah too bad OM lost the job. That's what happens when you don't play by the rules. My WH had to fire his whore of an employee.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

Do you think that you will move to another town to get another post or stay where you are and leave the ministry?

PurpleJacket: Our plans are to stay here at least until our younger son is through High School. I have a number of reasons for this. First, I just don't like the idea of running from our problems. We made them here, we ought to fix them here. Second, I suppose it has something to do with who I am. I can't be ambivalent about the relationship; I need to be all in and do what is best for my wife and sons. If God is willing, I can resume and perhaps pick up those pieces at that time. Meanwhile, I intend to preach for a small congregation on the side. BTW, I was never handcuffed in content by my previous position. I guess that is what hurts: we were a good fit, liked and respected. Obviously we didn't deserve it, but we were admired. A part of me welcomes the sacrifice, I suppose out of guilt. But no, it's not what I had hoped for.


Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

WW response was "Oh, I cared about him a lot"

Bikingguy: Maybe the way to view this is that she DID care about him a lot, but she has come to her senses???


Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I see a lot of "we" in what you just posted. I hope you aren't taking your wife's failings on as your own.

Posts: 1677 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

You are a heck of a lot nicer and more understanding than I am.

If I had been so nice, I would not have done the things I did. The guilt is part of the equation. And what is healthier is the realization that I too have been forgiven much. If the relationship is worth anything, it's worth some time and understanding


Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

Yeah too bad OM lost the job. That's what happens when you don't play by the rules. My WH had to fire his whore of an employee.

With you on that one, Blindsided. I have no sympathy at all for him, or for that matter, for my wife's feelings on the matter. Being patient is not the same as endorsement. As far as I am concerned, Little Prince Charming has reaped exactly what he has sown. And to think that all he had to do in order to avoid all consequences would have been to simply walk away after 14 years or so of screwing my wife, and he refused to do even that.


Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
quoththeraven1
Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I see a lot of "we" in what you just posted. I hope you aren't taking your wife's failings on as your own.

I hope not either, and I don't think so. Just owning my own failings in the context of the discussion of "what's next?"


Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

QTR1, I am so sorry to hear about your job. But relieved to hear the A is over. You did the right thing in putting the end to that.

Sending you good wishes for your family's recovery. I know you will continue to do the best for everyone in your family. Please take good care of yourself, too - the stress of this whole ordeal takes such a toll and we often don't recognize it while trying to hold it all together. I wish you peace.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
Topic Posts: 49