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User Topic: You're Killing Me, Smalls! (again)
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

FWH and I were talking this afternoon about a friend of mine who says "I have to ask my husband for a kitchen pass!" . I am all for checking with your spouse before you make plans. I don't feel like I have to ask permission, though.

MrSister: Husbands have to ask for permission all the time.
Me: You never asked for my permission, you always did whatever you wanted.
MrSister: Name one thing.
Me: *looking at him like he has lobsters growing out of his ears* You really don't want to go there, do you?

He really makes it hard sometimes for me to not make a sarcastic remark. My sarcastic nature just screams to be let out when he just leaves himself wide open. Its not like I was mad at him or anything and I didn't want to give him a dig, but I am just sarcastic and it is really hard to keep that at bay sometimes.

BTW, this is the man that goes Up North every weekend during fishing season, every weekend Up North during hunting season, out of state hunting trips, trips to Las Vegas, weekend snowmobile trips, all his toys he buys, his Bubba shack, never asked me for "permission" or pretty much never asked me how I felt about any of it. Oh, yeah, how could I forget to mention the OW he fucked for years without my permission.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
hardtimesinlife
Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

MrSister: Name one thing.

^^^At this point reading this I laughed so hard I fear I might have peed a little


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6088 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

Well obviously you gave him permission to have a goumada by not telling him he couldn't.

Or you gave permission and forgot.

Yup. That has to be what it is.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11131 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

Right? I get a lot of mileage out of the head-tilt, one-eyebrow look.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6359 | Registered: Jan 2011
unfound
Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

+6 for the SL ref

+ 1,894 for lobsters growing out of his ears

I too have a tee tiny sarcastic nature, and sometimes would have to literally bite my tongue.


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14835 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

The snark would have gone FLYING out of my mouth. I unfortunately don't have filters for that level of crazy.


It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. -Russian Proverb

Posts: 17045 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

I admire your restraint, Sister.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
PMs with men only, please
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1357 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
jrc1963
Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

The snark would have gone FLYING out of my mouth. I unfortunately don't have filters for that level of crazy.

Ditto! I hate those conversations.


Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 68
DS - 12
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24448 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
StepAside
Member
Member # 29826
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

Well obviously you gave him permission to have a goumada by not telling him he couldn't.

err..is that assuming permission by omission?


Me 48yrs, king of douchebagastan- 50yrs
far too many A's to bother to count, he is a predator that targets losers like himself
Last Dday April 12/10-Divorcing when he finds some courage
We live in a world where the fear of illusion is real

Posts: 1515 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Ingersoll Ontario
imagoodwitch
Member
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

I can't believe how often they just open that door and by God I just have to walk right in with a snipe.

I have a filter but sometimes the opportunity can't be passed up.


I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.


Posts: 5332 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
Random thoughts
Member
Member # 2959
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

Come on look at the bright side of things, at least you weren't holdind a cast iron skillet or a brick or a bat in your hand when you had this conversation.


Those three words are said too much and not enough.
Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol.
FWW

Posts: 1580 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Some where in New Jersey
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

I would have just gone with my standard retort of "fuck you" and left him figure it out.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7551 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

I "Like" all your comments.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

Just need to say I love all of you. Thanks for making me laugh out loud.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 656 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
selkiescot
Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, September 6th (Friday)

lobsters growing out of his ears? made me laugh out loud.


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1382 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Not to kill the laugh 'buzz', but I have often thought about this.

Being married to a conflict avoider, and trying to respect his aversion (*fear*) of talking about his infidelity as much as I can, I haven't really known what to do about these types of 'opportunities' they throw at us from time to time.

I WANT to let it pass for the good of the moment - especially if the day seems to be going well.

But I find myself want to understand something - just like you said - what is going on in their head when they say something like that? Really. Are they trying to rewrite history? Trying to appear to have changed? Or do they really not always 'get' how it relates to what they did?

My response lately is usually a look or just silence - and since I am normally such a talker - he gets the message.

But, "You really don't want to go there, do you?" would work pretty well, too!


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
Ellephantastic
Member
Member # 39833
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, September 6th (Friday)

I always have trouble with things like this, I am a very sarcastic person as well!

Although, I do mean the digs. He deserves to feel the guilt and shame that what he has done has caused me to become.


BS(me)
WBF = PA
Ow = 19(at the time)
WBF A = 08/10/2012-17/10/2012
D-Day = 24/01/2013

"It was easier for him to hurt me than it was for him to turn her down"


Posts: 75 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Scotland
sodamnlost
Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, September 6th (Friday)

I'm almost glad my STBXWH isn't the only one who does that. During a discussion last week I said I couldn't read him. He said - "why don't you just ask?" All serious like. I was like - REALLY?!?!?? YHGTBKMRN


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, September 6th (Friday)

My H said that he never thought of himself as a liar and cheater.

For years.

The thing about these sorts of comments that bothers me is the level of self-deception. Of course that's what allows the A in the first place, but it is important IMO that they become self-aware. My H recently said (defensively) that he is an A**hole, liar and cheater. Well, you sure were, and now you can work at not being.

But I also got a chuckle!

BTW Sister, you are one cool wife. Too bad they sometimes take that for granted.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Ooh, ooh, me too, me too!!!

"I always try to be really considerate of other people''s feelings..."

...BWAHAHAHAHA!!!


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.

Posts: 2033 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Alex CR
Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Dog jumped I'm laughing so loud.....I love starting the day with a good belly laugh....Thanks!

My H can do the same thing and a 'you've got to be kidding' is one of the restrained responses I've come up with. I have a habit of cutting remarks I work hard to harness.

I find it amazing that H acts as if he is totally ignorant of the cheating and lying at those moments. It's as if he has amnesia. Almost four years since Dday and though life is good, I can never forget the lies he was capable of for five years.

How the hell can you blank out five years of lying and cheating and speak to situations as if they had no connection to your own failings?


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1671 | Registered: Mar 2010
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, September 6th (Friday)

I suspect for many of us day to day life operates over a low hum of "my spouse cheated on me". Just about everything goes through that filter. The WSs OTOH often seem to be trying to forget it. Perhaps then they just don't see the complete incongruity of what they say. In many cases it seems they have managed to convince themselves they are not "bad" during their A; we tend to see it otherwise! After DDay, and much work, they can seem to "get it", then they say things that make us go hmmm.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Ok Sister, you made me laugh out loud, and love the Sandlot reference. One that I use regularly.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8222 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, September 6th (Friday)

I've found that you can put a whole dictionary in the word "REALLY".

Just sayin'............

k9



BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6515 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
DWBH
Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, September 6th (Friday)

He really makes it hard sometimes for me to not make a sarcastic remark. My sarcastic nature just screams to be let out when he just leaves himself wide open. Its not like I was mad at him or anything and I didn't want to give him a dig, but I am just sarcastic and it is really hard to keep that at bay sometimes.

^^^THIS^^^

Wow, I really struggle with this at times... that door is left wide open so often, and I've really had to keep the comment-filter locked down tight.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, September 6th (Friday)

He really makes it hard sometimes for me to not make a sarcastic remark. My sarcastic nature just screams to be let out when he just leaves himself wide open. Its not like I was mad at him or anything and I didn't want to give him a dig, but I am just sarcastic and it is really hard to keep that at bay sometimes.

Honestly - I don't think that your answer would have been sarcastic at all.

He asked you to name one thing - if he is dumb enough to put his foot into his mouth, then you should be nice enough to add some katchup and mustard to the shoe.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1717 | Registered: Sep 2012
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Very funny, and I did pee my pants!!! Sorry if that was TMI but I had a kidney procedure yesterday and not peeing was out of the question right now!!!!!

I, every once I. A while, can get in an I told you so or are you really just getting that now at 54???? I don't do it very often but I feel I have earned the right to be a bit self serving once in a while.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, September 6th (Friday)

CatLover.....I actually had the OW text me saying she had done nothing wrong at all....that the A was justified. That she felt no shame, no blame, nothing......how on earth can someone like her say that to a BS??????? I guess that shows just how important she thought she was.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
velvethammer
Member
Member # 40437
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, September 6th (Friday)

He asked you to name one thing - if he is dumb enough to put his foot into his mouth, then you should be nice enough to add some katchup and mustard to the shoe.

Love this! Love all of them. Thanks for the laughs this morning.


Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2013
velvethammer
Member
Member # 40437
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Sorry I don't know how to do the quote box yet.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2013
hopefullromantic
Member
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, September 6th (Friday)

I suspect for many of us day to day life operates over a low hum of "my spouse cheated on me". Just about everything goes through that filter. The WSs OTOH often seem to be trying to forget it.

So true, catlover, it is compartmentalization at its finest.

I don't know why I learned to control the sarcasm so well, when my H doesn't seem to even notice the sidewise glare. But when the sarcasm does sneak out anyway it just feels so cruel, like someone just punched the life out of him.


It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1755 | Registered: Oct 2007
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Your husband's comment offers an interesting look into the mind of a cheater, or reformed cheater.

And it gives us an answer to the age-old rhetorical question "How Could You?"

Because they are able to deny and compartmentalize. Some people are just wired that way I suppose.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
PMs with men only, please
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1357 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Cassandra42
New Member
Member # 15075
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, September 6th (Friday)

OT: what is a 'kitchen pass'?


Posts: 48 | Registered: Jun 2007
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, September 6th (Friday)

I suspect for many of us day to day life operates over a low hum of "my spouse cheated on me". Just about everything goes through that filter.
Cat, that is so true. I was hoping that by 3 1/2 years post d-day that it wouldn't be because, frankly, I don't want to be thinking this way for the rest of my life. It has gotten better, so I am feeling like at some point it won't be this way.
So true, catlover, it is compartmentalization at its finest.
Because they are able to deny and compartmentalize
hopefull and Sal, exactly.
But when the sarcasm does sneak out anyway it just feels so cruel, like someone just punched the life out of him.
hopefull, this is the way I feel, too. That is why I try to keep the sarcasm at bay. I don't enjoy hurting my fWH.

t/j velvethammer ~ I was going to explain to you how to quote, but I couldn't think of a concise way of telling you. Hopefully someone else can come along and explain it to you. Sorry!

t/j Cassandra ~ a "kitchen pass" for this woman is that she has to ask her husband if it is okay if she doesn't stay home and make dinner for him that night.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 2:11 PM, September 6th (Friday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, September 6th (Friday)

After reading this and experiencing many, many of the same moments I wonder...

How many conflict avoiders/compartmentalizers are with sarcastic bitches?
Cause it seems like a lot.

I am forever telling my WS "you don't realize how much I WANT to say, that I DON'T say."
Or is it that they seriously are not bright enough or in tune enough to make the connection.
My therapist says I think too much, but I think the problem is that the WS just does not think enough.
I mean, really.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, September 6th (Friday)

How many conflict avoiders/compartmentalizers are with sarcastic bitches?
Cause it seems like a lot.

MyPerfectLife....

Methinks that WHs don't marry sarcastic bitches....they become that way from their WHs selfishness and stupidity!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2213 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Chicky
Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, September 6th (Friday)

I suppose this should be filed under stupid shit they say:

Upon the, oh I don't know, 8th or so DDay, former assclown looks at me and says, "I have always had and always will have the utmost respect for you and I resent you saying I don't!" He was so emphatic that I'm surprised he didn't stomp his size 13s. I just and walked away....

[This message edited by Chicky at 5:55 PM, September 6th (Friday)]


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Lucky2HaveMe
Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, September 6th (Friday)

I can so relate! We have an 8 hour round trip taking our dd to school. As you can imagine it leaves us with a lot of time to talk.. Which was awesome 7 yrs ago as I was readikng passages of Not Just Friends to him (dif kid college yr).

Anyways when we took her back a few weeks ago, I said I knew this was coming out of the blue but I wondered if he had ever had his heart broken. This led to some great discussion and I learned a lot I never knew (30 yrs and I learned new shit). And then he looks at me and says"Have you ever had your heart broken?"

Stupid question! He was like "oh yeah"

And that is 7 yrs later. Its still there but the covos are easier and I can even laugh at some of his stupidity now!

In my early days here someone said "you will know you are healed when you can laugh about all this"... Oh I was like no way in hell would I EVER laugh about THIS... But ya km know, there are times that I do... Still times I dont, and that's OK too.

[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 7:33 PM, September 6th (Friday)]


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6253 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, September 6th (Friday)

someone said "you will know you are healed when you can laugh about all this"... Oh I was like no way in hell would I EVER laugh about THIS... But ya km know, there are times that I do... Still times I dont, and that's OK too.
Thanks for sharing Lucky. Gives me hope that maybe I will be able to laugh about it someday.

We read that in "Not Just Friends" , too, Dr. Glass said something similar about laughing about it. FWH and I looked at each other and said practically in unison "Never!"


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

And then he looks at me and says"Have you ever had your heart broken?"
OMG, about a year into R, FWH said something very similar.

Our discussion started while talking about how devastated our DS was several years ago when he broke up with his first GF. I was telling him how I happened to be in the same room with DS when the GF called him, and DS literally fell face down on the floor and screamed in agony.

FWH looked at me and said, "well, you just don't know how that feels because you told me that when you and your old boyfriends broke up it didn't hurt that bad because you were not truly in love with them, that I, (FWH), was the only one that you ever truly loved".

I just stared at him, shaking my head, and said, "seriously? Do you have any idea what you just said"?

He was like, "what"?

He never even 'got it', and I was way, way to hurt to try to explain.

Have we married morons?

Sorry sister, I'm in a bad mood this morning. (Working on back taxes, what fun).


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
simpleD
New Member
Member # 40321
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

Sometimes I wonder if my WH will ever "get" the depth of my hurt. The pain & hurt that he caused. I, too, have to watch my tone & temper my little digs when he makes a stupid comment... You know the ones where you wonder if they were even in the same room with you on Dday, when you were confronting them? Were you the man sitting next to me on couch during the hours of MC? Really? It must be compartmentalization. Our MC referred to it as, "the empty box" men go to in their heads. Where they can literally sit there and not be thinking about anything. I wish I had an empty box too. I hope it get to a point where I can look back & laugh. Someday, maybe???


BS(me)48; WH 49
High School Sweethearts
Together 32 years
Married 25 years
DD, 20 years
Dday 8/11
In Recovery

Posts: 22 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 41