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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: What are your thoughts on this?
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

Have any of you had people ever say to you, "I don't understand why you are so angry with OW/OM. It's not her/him that owed you loyalty, it was your ex. And if he/she didn't cheat with that OW/OM, it would have been someone else."

I can't tell you how many times I have heard that from people who obviously have no freaking clue. But I guess, fundamentally, this statement is true. I mean, I didn't make marriage vows with her. She didn't owe me loyalty.

Anyway, just curious what you guys think. If you've ever heard this, how did you respond?


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
sunsetslost
Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

Oh, I hate to OM. He knew damn well she was married. Anybody that would do that to another person is a POS in my book. I found out that he is divorced, the victim of infidelity himself. To know what it feels like and still choose to put another human being through this nightmare is all I need to know about him.

Unfortunately in my case my wife was unhappy for a long time. She chose to suffer in silence and not come to me with her concerns. she was sweet and nice up until the moment she told me. I had no idea. She didn't want to be married to me anymore so she chose so she chose the one act that she knew I wouldn't, couldn't forgive. If it wasn't him it would've been somebody else. At least she didn't destroy another family.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 749 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

I don't know who would not be angry with OP.

What do those people expect? For you to be neutral toward OP?

IMHO it is completely normal to be angry with both WS and OP.

I do read on SI where some BS'es focus their anger on the OP, avoiding facing the hurt and anger their WS has caused them. That doesn't seem to be what you are referring to in your post.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

I agree it's infuriating to hear that. Personally I think unless a someone has actually been cheated on themselves, they should keep their mouths SHUT instead of telling you how you should or should not feel about anything regarding the affair. JMO.

But in response to your post... For me it depends a lot on whether or not the OW/OM *knew* the wayward spouse was married. Did he spin some tale of being single, or "in the middle of a divorce", etc and so the OW had no clue? Or was she knowingly sleeping with a married man?

I have quite a bit of anger towards OW. She was not a close friend, but she had previously dated a friend of my XWH. So we socialized together frequently as couples. She had been (with the previous boyfriend) to my home, rode in my car, lounged her skanky ass in my hot tub, etc. When she started sleeping with my XWH, she new *damn well* that he was married. And so I blame her for knowing that and still proceeding with the affair. Anyone who knowingly sleeps with a married person, whether or not they are acquainted with the betrayed spouse, is pretty damn low in my book. They may not owe any specific "loyalty" to the BS, but they should at least have the decency to respect the boundaries of a marriage!

That said....I know that whatever XWH told her about the status of our relationship, guaranteed it was NOT the truth. It was probably some tale of how we'd grown apart, weren't sharing a bed, were both unhappy etc etc. Basically I'm sure he lied and said whatever was necessary to achieve his goal of screwing her.

It's funny... I know he was cheating on me with OW, but I wonder if she knows he was cheating on her with ME, since he was sleeping with both of us right up until D-day. Somehow, I think the answer is no.

I can only guess but I think that if the OW had been a stranger and someone who had no idea my XWH was married, then I would feel much less anger towards her.



Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 823 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

Oh OW knew he was married. She was a teacher at the school my kids went to. It's not a big school. To top it off, she was also married. To top that off I have two kids and she has three and they were playing Brady Bunch together. While they were both still married!

I never focused all my anger on OW, but how could you not feel anger toward someone that could do this?


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

There is some truth to that because yes it was suppose to be your spouse who should have made proper decisions and prtected you. I haven't had anyone say that to me. In fact I've gotten nothing but pats on my back over my actions towards OM. I can't be one to talk because look what I did. I reported the POS not only to his wife but also to his military command. Why? Because I could do it just as easily as he did taking advantage of a confused woman who couldn't express her feelings properly to her husband. He said the right things and sweet talked her into bed hurting his own family and disrespecting his commanders. I have ZERO sympathy or regret for destroying his career.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1469 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
carnelian
Member
Member # 24824
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

It's all very stalkery and creepy that these people have been in our lives without us even knowing. They slither through our homes, houses and sometimes possessions, know intimate details about our lives without our permission or knowledge, and want to cause us harm. There's no claim of innocence or ignorance for the APs who know about the BS. None. It's malicious intent to destroy. So yeah, anger? You bet.


What are you going to do when he leaves you?

Posts: 564 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Europe
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

Seriously? Any reasonable person who knows their new love interest is married is culpable in my opinion, Maybe not as much as the WS but I'm not too concerned about percentages.

She met me as his wife in my home, she knew the score. Even if he lied to her about the state of our marriage she lied to herself at best. She's a bitch.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4516 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

I agree with it, though I would never say it to someone who's been touched by infidelity because I suspect I'm in the minority and it probably would be taken as hurtful.

When I was married, I had plenty of hot (married) guys come on to me, some who tried very hard, but I remained faithful and not even tempted. I have integrity.

After I told everyone about XWH's cheating, many people told me about experiences they had where someone tried to get them to cheat. But because they have integrity, they didn't.

Personally, I think it's a waste of energy and misdirection to hate the OP. They share some responsibility (unless they truly didn't know the other person was attached) but ultimately, it's your spouse/SO who is wholly responsible for their actions.

If I'm committed to someone, I don't care if an entire soccer team of men wearing nothing but speedos shows up on my doorstep; I'm not straying.

I must say, it took me time, distance, IC, and introspection to come to this conclusion. And, I no longer hate XWH, either. I just pity him because he gave up the best thing that ever happened to him and now leads a sad, pathetic life.

But I definitely understand the opinion of those who disagree with me, which is why, as I said above, I would try to never make this comment to anyone who it might hurt.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3359 | Registered: Dec 2011
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

Seriously? Any reasonable person who knows their new love interest is married is culpable in my opinion, Maybe not as much as the WS but I'm not too concerned about percentages.

I agree. They may not be the one breaking vows and destroying their own family (unless they are married as well) but they are still disgusting and immoral people. The only time they DON'T deserve the BS's anger is when they didn't know and ended the relationship when they found out.

Ex's AP apparently knew a lot about me and our 3 young children. She went so far as to defend me when Ex would go to her complaining about me being angry after I found out about their "friendship" and about my being the doormat he had grown used to. At least that is his story. She barely spoke English (and Ex doesn't speak her language) so Lord only knows what kind of "conversation" they could have had. The stupid POS even downloaded translators to talk to her.

The sick SOB understood my POV because she was a BW in the not so distant past. She was so devastated that she turned to drugs to ease her pain. Because of that she no longer had custody of her kids and lived hundreds of miles from them. Sometimes I hate her guts and sometimes I feel really sorry for her because she was an incredibly broken woman who made one horrible decision after another and lost her children. According to Ex, when they met she was suicidal over the loss of her kids and threatening to kill herself that day. Who knows if that is true but I wouldn't be surprised. Ex is a predator who was looking for someone..*ANYONE*...desperate and willing. Days after I kicked him out, she pretty much disappeared. I'll never know if her decision to end the affair was guilt related or just because she really didn't give a fuck about Ex and with me removing myself from their fuckery, she felt like she "won" so the thrill was gone. She is a coward and never responded to my calls or texts.

Ex would never purposefully tell me anything that makes him look bad and the OW having a conscience when he doesn't would be something that he would keep to himself. There is no way to spin that to make himself look superior so if that is true it will forever be his secret. Everything I know about her I found out when Ex was trying hard to con me into thinking that he wasn't working HARD to turn his "friendship" into one with benefits. He only told me the truth when he could spin it into something to make me lower my guard.

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 8:18 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

It's all very stalkery and creepy that these people have been in our lives without us even knowing. They slither through our homes, houses and sometimes possessions, know intimate details about our lives without our permission or knowledge, and want to cause us harm. There's no claim of innocence or ignorance for the APs who know about the BS. None. It's malicious intent to destroy. So yeah, anger? You bet.
YES!


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3348 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Got2GO
Member
Member # 26576
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

I can't be upset with the other women. They are just trying to make their money and they just hooked up with my ex idiot!


BS (me) 47
WS (him) 70
Together 7 1/2 years
married 6 years
no children together
Happily divorced 1/29/13!

Posts: 109 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: got2go
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

I agree with Sparkysable's quote completely and I was very angry when I first found out about each one of them. Now I just think "meh, whatever." They are welcome to pick his sorry carcass clean like the ugly vultures they are, and I will be laughing when he is still paying child support into his 70s! The OW are beneath contempt and I don't give them any space in my brain. If they all got flattened by a train tomorrow I wouldn't lose any sleep over it, but I don't dwell on them either. They are non-entities to me at this point, though I absolutely reserve the right to be angry at them for knowingly violating my marital boundaries.

Luckily, no one has actually dared to say what you wrote to me. If they did, I would politely say that, with all due respect, they have no place to tell me how I should/shouldn't feel about anyone.

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 8:29 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1108 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
imagoodwitch
Member
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

^^^^^^^ this, I concur


I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.


Posts: 5387 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

I feel that he promised me fidelity-she owed me nothing.

Even so, I hope both of them die slow and painful deaths.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7648 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
newlysingle
Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, September 6th (Friday)

YES! It makes me crazy. I love my friends and they've been there for me through this horrible process, but none of them have dealt with it personally. They give me a lot of stupid advice like this. Like I just need to not blame OW (which I don't, I hold them both equally responsible) and that I just need to get over it and move on. They just don't have a clue what a trauma this is. That is why I'm so thankful for this site. I know that I'm not alone.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 897 | Registered: Mar 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, September 6th (Friday)

I find comments like that rude & insufferable. I would have to retort in some manner, if even only to tell them that they were being rude & insufferable.

Having said that, I am not angry at the one OW I am absolutely certain of. I know that STBX lied to her when they first rekindled their love, and for all I know she still does not know that he's still married. I know that she is a very broken person. HOWEVER, I would not want her as a stepmother to my children. Furthermore, if I ever learned that she's denigrated me in any way, then I won't be so charitable towards her in my thoughts.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9673 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, September 6th (Friday)

I feel that he promised me fidelity-she owed me nothing.
Even so, I hope both of them die slow and painful deaths.


That!

The OW that 'won' the EXWH chased him for over 6 years, knowing that he was married, she was also warned to stay away when it was in the EA stage, she was also still married at the time.

I think maybe she will die a slow and painful death now she is married to him


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 2:15 AM, September 6th (Friday)

I don't think anyone has the right to tell you how you should feel.

Where the AP is a friend or relative - they DID betray you too. For most of us the APs were strangers who owed us nothing.

Yes, it's true and getting stuck in OPHatingTown isn't healthy (like drinking the poison hoping the other person will die).

I don't hate any of the OW - I consider them an affront to the sisterhood and I hate that one of them gets to spend time with my precious girls but they didn't do this to me and my family. My fuckwit husband did.

What I find odd is when a BS hates the AP MORE than their WS. IMO this is blameshifting - it certainly was in my case. I couldn't hate him just yet so pointed all barrels at OWUglyIndian instead. I blamed her for pursuing him and for seducing him. Truth is if it wasn't her it would be the next piece of trash who responded to his slippery slope advances.

The WS invite these intruders into our lives. Them accepting it didn't break our marriages - it was the invitation that broke our marriages.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5558 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 4:51 AM, September 6th (Friday)

No one has ever said that to me. I was angry with stbx's girlfriend for a very short period of time in the beginning. I realized pretty quickly she means nothing to me. I don't hate her. I don't ever think of her. She is just as pathetic as stbx. Once in a great while I am asked if stbx is still with her. I truly don't know or care.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2196 | Registered: Oct 2012
his#1
Member
Member # 3432
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, September 6th (Friday)

I liken the OW to the get away driver in a bank robbery.

The guy who actually ROBBED the bank (my H) got much more time and grief for HIS actions, but the person who was driving the car (the skank) is ALSO guilty of a crime. She might not get AS MUCH guilt as my H, but she gets her fair share.


**The soul would have no rainbow
Had the eyes no tears.~J.Cheney
**Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. ~Hubert Humphrey

Posts: 1648 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: Michigan
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, September 6th (Friday)

I have said this a time or two. It's how I feel. I've been D for 8 years now and to tell the truth, I can't even remember the OW's name.

Of course she broke up with XWH 6 months post-D. So that may have something to do with my "meh" feeling about OW.

My feelings are that if you are married/have a commitment to someone - they should be able to turn down any amount of temptation - or have firm enough boundaries to resist or remove themselves from the situation.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7690 | Registered: Aug 2005
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Don't get me wrong - if you feel some righteous hatred of the AP and it helps you in some way, I wouldn't say don't feel that. But don't get stuck on it either.

Hate tends to hurt the person doing the hating more than it ever hurts the one who it's directed towards.

I also don't have to deal with SS/CS or custody issues as my sons were grown when all this happened. I can see how dealing with those issues would cause a lot of anger.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7690 | Registered: Aug 2005
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, September 6th (Friday)

It's malicious intent to destroy.

YES it is

In our case,divorced ( no kids) coworker OW knew WH was married, had met our kids, & didn't care what she was doing to them or me.

She only cared about her own selfish desires.

I know I am going to get 2 X 4's for saying this,
but I know for a fact (verified by others whom I trust) that OW pursued WH as if she had him in the crosshairs of her rifle,
& at the perfect moment
(at a low point in our marriage)
she threw herself on him.
I'm sure WH was flirting with her, but probably never thought anything would happen. Of course,when she said to WH "I have such a crush on you, why don't I be your mistress?" WH could have said " Thank you, I'm very flattered, but I would never betray my wife"---but he didn't, he went for it.

So, yes, I am trying to not give her any space in brain anymore, but I would love to hear that she has died a long , agonizing death for what she did to us.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1390 | Registered: Dec 2012
HopeImOverIt
Member
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, September 6th (Friday)

I think your feelings are YOUR feelings and you have a right to them. And it is very common to hate the OW/OM.

For whatever reason I have no strong feelings against the OWomen in my situation. They are non-entities to me, and I agree that if it hadn't been them it would have been someone else. I do think they were foolish to get involved with a married man. And I do not want any contact with them. But that's about as strong as my feelings about them get.

One of the things my Ex did was tell me how I SHOULD feel about things, and I HATED that. I think it's very presumptuous. I can tell you how I feel about "my" OW but no way will I tell you how you should feel about yours.


Me: BW (50)
ExWH: (51)
2 teen-age boys
Divorced

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
ninebark
Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, September 6th (Friday)

I think everyone is entitled to feel how they want, and if you haven't been in the situation you have no right to comment on it.

I focused all my anger on my EXH, not because she didn't deserve my anger, but I didn't feel she was worth it. He was the person who broke their vows to me. So I pretty much forgot about her after the A. I had plenty of opportunity to cheat, I chose to honor my marriage, he didn't do the same. So yup, I am still angry at him. And the OW is long out of the picture.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, September 6th (Friday)

I've never had this said to me but have been advised by people who have no idea what the situation feels like. Anyway...

One thing that I'm learning in this "process" is that for some reason people feel very free to advise me when I haven't asked and this in and of itself makes me angry. But I don't act on that anger if I can help it , which is hard. I try to remember that they are trying to help me...I don't want to get hung up on more anger or hatred at yet another person besides what I have already.

That being said, this issue remains a mixed bag because for the most part, I don't want to give OW importance in my own life, so I work hard to not think of her. Ow in the case of Perv was lied to by him as I was at first, but then apparently-and this according to her-he confessed my existence but she did not toss him out. So this is my frustration and difficulty...with him going outside our marriage and not telling me his problems and her not shipping him off when she learned she had nabbed herself a married, formerly family man.

My post is long, sorry, but I just wanted to add that lately I have feelings of sorrow and head shaking at her stupidity, because she has some idea of what he's capable of and by keeping him around, doesn't she open herself up to what happened to us?

I like the post that likens an OW to an accomplice-that makes sense.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2229 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
hopeandchange
Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Both stbxww and her AP BOTH hurt me. My stbxww betrayed me and her vows. Her AP viciously attacked me and my M by knowingly pursuing my W

OM knew me. My DS worked for him. Stbxww and AP had sex in my home. I no longer will go out of my way to inflict misery upon him but would still stand by and enjoy the show should he suffer a slow and painful demise. Especially one appropriate to his actions

As for stbxww, she has the many years together that allowed the intense anger to pass. Either she does nog comprehend the consequences of her actions or cannot acknowledge them for fear of disintegration, poof!

H&C


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 405 | Registered: Sep 2011
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Sure, I'm mostly pissed at my wife, because she was the one who looked me in the eye and said her wedding vows. Really though, anyone who fucks someone who is married is just not a nice person.

There's enough blame and hate to go around, and I'm willing to dole it out as I see fit.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1929 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
osxgirl
Member
Member # 8795
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, September 6th (Friday)

In my case, I had every reason to be angry with the OW. She called me, made it clear that she was going to fight to get him away from him, tried to emotionally blackmail me using her daughter, saying things like, "I have a little girl here crying every night because she misses AW (ass wipe! - my name, of course, not what she called him)".

Not that it worked, of course. My answer to her was, "you allowed your daughter to become attached to another woman's husband - wow, guess that makes you mother of the year!" (Yes, lots of sarcasm in my voice on that one.)

She insisted on coming with him when we met at the DMV to get our names off of each others' vehicles (he had to pay fines first to do it), and for him to pay me some money he owed me. I in turn signed over the storage unit where I had put some arcade games of his that I was holding until he took care of all of that. While we were there, she got in my face, yelling at me that I had no business treating him so badly (yes, I was horrible to him by actually expecting him to honor his obligations to me instead of throwing any money he had at her). When I put the portfolio I had in my hand between us because I didn't appreciate her violating my personal space, she yelled, "Oh no you didn't!" and pulled back her fist like she was going to hit me. I didn't even flinch - we were at the DMV, there were tons of police everywhere, and I would have had her a$$ arrested in a second.

She also sent really, really horrible e-mails to me. Things about what they had done in my house, my bed... things about how he found me disgusting... claiming he had her in the house in our 2nd bedroom while I was there (and no, he didn't - the way our condo is, I would have known).

All I ever wanted was to never have known she existed - she was/is a truly disgusting, horrible, sleazy, gold-digging ho-bag. I wanted her to go away and leave me alone. I only contacted her once - well after the D - and only because I found things on a backup drive that made me concerned considering she had a young daughter. Of course, I was vilified even more for trying to give her that warning. I refused to talk to her, refused to deal with her, and pretty much completely ignored her. Once I realized the extent of what he had done and found out a few things I hadn't known about him, I was happy to let her have him. And made that clear - to him (since I really did refuse to even acknowledge she existed).

Which only made her angrier.

And I was pretty pi$$ed at both of them for dragging me into my very own real-life version of the Jerry Springer show. I asked him at one point, "What kind of white trash have you dragged into my life?"

So yes, I feel quite justified in having less-than-charitable thoughts about her. They had nothing to do with "her stealing my husband", and everything to do with the horrible skank she was in her own right.... and the fact that she wouldn't leave me alone.

ETA: despite what the above sounds like, I am over it. But I still have opinions on the kind of person she is in general. And they have little to do with her "going after" my X, who was looking, putting ads on married but looking sites, and who would have found someone else if it hadn't been her. But sheesh - the skank was in my business, threatening me, all kinds of stuff. It wasn't pretty - I bought a steering wheel lock for my truck both to help protect my truck against them and figuring that it would make a great club if I needed it. I bought a baseball bat that I kept close to me in my house. Yeah, crap like that can make you be a little upset at someone like that.

[This message edited by osxgirl at 3:15 PM, September 6th (Friday)]


Posts: 2394 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Maryland
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, September 6th (Friday)

You wouldn't believe how many people said this to me.

I don't have any anger toward OW anymore but I did in the beginning. I think it takes a lot of time and perspective to get to the point where you can see it any other way. At least it did for me. But I think it's normal to feel anger toward the OP. It is such a selfish, hateful thing to do to someone whether you know them or not.

But ultimately, yeah, it was XH responsibility to be true to his marriage vows. And she was just one of many skanky whores he cheated with.

[This message edited by ruinedandbroken at 6:51 PM, September 6th (Friday)]


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
mixedintherut
Member
Member # 40330
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, September 6th (Friday)

Of course, everyone has their opinion!

I don't see how anyone could not blame their WS and have hard feelings towards them for the A. However, I believe it is completely natural to have anger towards the Om/Ow.

OW knew my wh was married and had a child, she had been in our house sleeping with my youngest brother, 1 month before wh left me for her!

While I was angry with my WH I despised the OW. She knew he was married, had a child and a home. She thought he had a money, and what she didn't realize was that we were barely scraping by!


DD 1: PA 12/4/09 He spent 2.5 years with OW1
R: 8/31/2012
DD 2: EA 8/16/13
BS: 26
WH: 25
1 young daughter.
Terribly disgusted. He refuses to give up his "friend". Headed towards D.

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: kentucky
trumanshow
Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

Marriage is a societal contract too. It's also a legal arrangement. Just because I didn't make a promise to someone doesn't give me license to do whatever the hell I want and consequences be damned. If that were so-why do the majority lie about it?


Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed


Posts: 1748 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

I tell you....

After everything I have been through and everything I read on these boards, I find it incredible what one human being is capable of doing to another without any regard for anyone but themselves.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

You have every right to be angry with her. Later, you will get to a point where you won't want to kill her. Even later than that, you won't care about her.
All I wanted to do was go and kick the shit out of her when I first found out. I no longer look at her FB, and for the most part I think she is a pathetic miserable excuse for a human being and a woman. Now, that is not to say if I saw her on my doorstep I wouldn't royally put some whoop ass on her, because I'm not at the last stage just yet.
Bottom line, you are 10X the woman she can ever even hope to become.
She thinks about you more than you think about her! Promise.
AP called and threatened me the second time he "dumped" her for me, you know, THE WIFE.
He just dumped her a third time. She is pathetic for even looking at YOUR married man.
Tell those friends that though you appreciate what there intent is, to shut their mouth before inserting foot again.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2237 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

Marriage is a societal contract..

YES!
My WS lied about his marital status to her at first, saying he was separated and divorcing. He then came to me with D, then S, then said he wanted to stay M. In between he was still with her.
After Dday when she knew he'd lied she stayed available and accessible.
I do not blame her for the affair. She took a risk dating a man who was not divorced (um, that means he was married) and she lost. She could have waited until he was divorced, she didn't. She could have went NC with him when he told her he didn't want to divorce, she didn't.
So, is she to blame, no, but I hold her in very low regards.
Morally, she has no respect for the societal bounds of marriage. She's been divorced 2x and is only in her mid 30's. Some of the things she's said to me showed me that she has ZERO concern for the sanctity of a 17 year marriage.
When I pointed these out to WS he seemed kind of confused.
Well, he's been confused for a while, really. :)
My anger toward her is more from one woman to another. She could have backed off and given WS room to figure his shit out and she didn't. To me, that's inexcusable.
But she's a needy person with little morals so I can't expect much more than that.
Anyone I have spoken with about this who knows her agrees with me fully.
Actually, all she had to do was check the courts to see if he'd filed for divorce like he'd said he had. He never filed. She refuses to believe the things he told her were lies.
I've known the man 18 years and I know he lied. Geez.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 36