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Just Found Out
User Topic: I'm back
erzulie
Member
Member # 3293
Sad  Posted: 7:09 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

And lost. Last time, I was unmarried, 34 years old ... I was destroyed for a time, but healed and rebuilt. Even married. Been so happy, coming up on 7th anniversary ...

... he has been on Ashley Madison since 2011, looking for discreet sex. He is caught. I am blindsided. Dumbfounded. Now, I'm 44 years old ... my life is completely different. I am in shock to be back here again.

I have no idea what to do now, or which way is up.

In such agony.


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, September 5th (Thursday)


..

..no-one should ever have to go thru this crap twice..

..so sorry to see a 'repeat customer' here ..

..one positive thought...

'at least you knew where to come for support' ..

..take good care of yourself.

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4120 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

Erzulie....think about this logically. Isn't AM a *let's cheat* website? It's not as if it were just some dial (900) xxx-xxxx website for sex talk or a legitimate *dating* site where you can just message back/forth and 'bail' if it gets too intense. The odds of your WH being on AM for 2 years and not 'hooking up' with someone are slim to none, IMHO.

I am really sorry that you find yourself here again, but you know the drill.....
{{{hugs}}}


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7921 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
emotionalgirl
Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

((((Erzulie)))) no one should be here twice. Remember though your life is completely different, you are 44 yrs old not too old to leave the asshat if that is the path you eventually choose. I hope you find your peace.


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 370 | Registered: Aug 2013
erzulie
Member
Member # 3293
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

Yes, it absolutely is a "let's cheat!" website. In addition to him saying he didn't have the courage to "go through with it" - he also said he was "just about to tell me."

We had an appointment on Sept. 14 to meet an adoption counselor. Obviously, I canceled.

I'm not trying to paint him the villain; that doesn't help me. What I'm trying to sort out is - how do I breathe, for starters. How do I put one foot in front of the other, next.

I don't want to become destroyed and lose another 2 years or more of my life. Is there a "get out of infidelity jail free" card somewhere I can draw?

I am so devastated I can barely see the keyboard. My two dogs are looking at me with fright.

I did ask him to NOT come home ...


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

Oh, honey. I wish there were such a card. I would hand deliver it to your door.

Sending you strength and comfort. Keep breathing. Just worry about breathing right now. The rest will come. ((((erzulie))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25018 | Registered: Aug 2011
BrokenPieces
Member
Member # 7685
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

Erzulie,

I remember you sweetie. You are a strong, wonderful woman and even though you are beyond crushed, you WILL make it through this.
Breathe
Drink
Eat
Time

Be ever so gentle with yourself and take care of you.

I am praying for you hon.


BS-40
Red Headed Imps 10 & 8
DDay 1/05
Divorce final 6/21/06
My new life is GRAND.
Married my new beginning 6/09

Posts: 2290 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: Greater Seattle Area
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

((Erzulie))

I'm so sorry.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7550 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
SweetheartVixen
Member
Member # 4956
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

I remember you. I admired you and your posts helped me.

I am so sorry that you are going through this again and in so much pain.

HUGS


BS/60s WS/60s Divorcing and not soon enough~!
Its nice to be important, but its more important to be nice...

DD 6-14


Posts: 3096 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: somewhere over the rainbow
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

(((erzulie)))

I'm so sorry. Sending you strength.


Posts: 34685 | Registered: Mar 2011
Crushed1
Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

((((erzulie)))) I'm so sorry. When I saw the words "I'm back", my heart sank for you.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9693 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
erzulie
Member
Member # 3293
Sad  Posted: 10:18 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

Thank you ... I don't know what I feel more, impressed, or saddened that some remember me (although I definitely will accept the comfort that provides). I really thought, for years now, that this chapter of my life was behind me.

I took care of this man, made amazing sacrifices in my own time and priorities, to help him through graduate school - for over three years. He graduated, and then went shopping for sex online.

I don't want to be a victim. I want to understand. I want to be empowered. I want to know if I had any hand, ANY hand in responsibility for all of this (I'm not saying I blame myself - just, well, looking to take control of the whole picture, if you will). I want to heal from this. I want to make better decisions. I want to not waste my life. I want to not wake up one morning, and find myself cold, bitter, and unable to trust.

How on Earth do I accomplish any of those things - let alone all of them?

Right now I have zero confidence that I can.

I have two dogs - don't laugh, but here goes. One of them, middle aged, healthy - had him since a pup. The other, a somewhat disabled senior I rescued as a senior. Been taking care of her, helped her beat cancer even. She depends on me now more than ever. I feel like I have to be strong for them. I can't just fall apart, and not be there for what they need.

Why on Earth would my husband feel any differently at all? Why would he choose to lie, after ALL we went through the last few times, years back? Why would he jeopardize the sanctity of our family? I'm not a perfect wife, Lord knows - but, why not talk to me? I've never given him any indication that I can't be approached, talked to, anything like that ...

All I ever wanted was to be a loving wife. A good person. A good doggie mom, and someday - a good human mom, too.

Bereft with agony, and trying my best to hide it from my hypersensitive, intuitive dogs.

Failing miserably.


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

Shit, EZ. I am so sorry. If I had the awesome power to turn back the hands of time...trust me....I would absolutely do that for you.

Adoption hopes...up in dust. But you don't want to paint him as the villain? Why? It sure as heck sounds as if he deserves it.

You do not have to lose anymore of your life because of this guy.

How do you breathe? For right now....you just *do*. You put one foot in front of the other because....you *have* to. Shit happens and life goes on. Dishes get done, bills get paid, kids have what they need for school.....because those things *need* to happen.

You don't have to put up with anymore of this *cheating* bullshit, erzulie. Take back your power.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7921 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

(((((erzulie)))))) I am so so sorry!

Breathe and drink lots of water. Get some yogurt or a nutritional drink or some ice cream to eat.

No matter what you have been through before, this is now and now you had put your trust in someone. He betrayed that trust.

Keep breathing honey! You will be okay. You don't have to make any decisions right now other than to breathe, eat and try to sleep.

You know you can do this. You feel broken right now, but you are here and we can help support you through this awful mess.

Don't let him gaslight you! He wasn't going to tell you. You found out did you not?

There is villianizing him and then there is the reality of what he has done. He was either intending to or did cheat. He wants you to think he was going to stop. Those are facts.

That's all you need is the facts. It may be a tough realization that this man could do this to you. He chose to do it. It's not like he flirted in the bar over too many drinks. He expended the effort to search online for discrete sex.

You will get through this. Give yourself time to sort through your feelings and your plans. Remember, you are grieving. You will go through feelings of wanting to bargain to feel better, you will be angry, depressed, blame yourself and all those things we do as humans in grief.

Keep posting and remember to breathe.


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 26 and 31
2 Daughters 29, 24 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4891 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
erzulie
Member
Member # 3293
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

Here's a sick irony for you.

The article I did - researching trends in Internet Infidelity - is still available in the Healing Library.

Maybe I should read some of my own findings.


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, September 6th (Friday)

(((erzulie)))

We're here for you. I can't imagine how this feels. Sending hugs.


If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems. - Joyce Meyer

Posts: 17031 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
erzulie
Member
Member # 3293
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, September 6th (Friday)

I'm so sick inside that I cannot sleep or function.

Typhoon of catastrophic thoughts.

My dog is on expensive therapy and chemo medication. How am I going to afford it on my own? I work, but we are definitely a 2 income family.

I am so full of agony, I can't seem to right myself.

I have to go to work in the morning, and face meetings and deadlines. My face looks like a pufferfish.

This cannot be happening again.


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Remember that the agony is acute in the beginning, but it's not always going to feel like this. You just take itsy bitsy steps and we'll help carry you. Step 1 = breathe.


If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems. - Joyce Meyer

Posts: 17031 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, September 6th (Friday)

I don't have any words of wisdom but I just want to send you a hug.

(((erzulie)))


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Oh (((erzulie))) I am so sorry.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
CheaterMagnet
Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Oh honey, I am so sorry. There just are not words.

But you CAN get through this and you will. We will help you. This is my second rodeo too. I'll hold your hand when you feel like you can't go on. PM me anytime.

Massive, huge (((((HUGS))))


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1017 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
Hope2B
Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Erzuli, for now, if you can, put your heart (the part that is hurting with this latest betrayal) in a different place and lock it away. Your babies need you! Your heart is there for them both and available for them both, especially your girl who beat cancer! You are so lucky she beat that horrid disease--but I know the watchful eye of a doggie mommy!

I have two dogs - don't laugh, but here goes. One of them, middle aged, healthy - had him since a pup. The other, a somewhat disabled senior I rescued as a senior. Been taking care of her, helped her beat cancer even. She depends on me now more than ever. I feel like I have to be strong for them. I can't just fall apart, and not be there for what they need.

Be strong for yourself and your dogs. I am so sorry you are dealing with this other crap!

Hope


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo

Posts: 353 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
cocoabean
Member
Member # 76
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, September 6th (Friday)

I remember you sweetie. You are a strong, wonderful woman and even though you are beyond crushed, you WILL make it through this

We can't take your pain away but we can walk with you through it.


“There are only two types of women - goddesses and doormats”
*Pablo Picasso*

"I am a goddess"
*Cocoabean*


Posts: 1638 | Registered: Jun 2002
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Why on Earth would my husband feel any differently at all? Why would he choose to lie, after ALL we went through the last few times, years back? Why would he jeopardize the sanctity of our family? I'm not a perfect wife, Lord knows - but, why not talk to me? I've never given him any indication that I can't be approached, talked to, anything like that ...

Erzulie, any way you slice it, it sucks to be a repeat member. I totally get you on that one, trust me.

Over 20 years ago, I was married to a skirt chasing cheater. Here’s the funny thing – when I had enough ammo to shoot him between the eyes and call him on his sleazy cheating, he never ONCE claimed it was due to anything in the marriage or lack of sex or affection or attention, or ANYTHING like that.

But here’s the unbelievable thing. This man HONESTLY believed that his extra-curricular activity was none of my business. Yup, he actually looked me right in the eyes and said, “that part of my life has nothing to do with THIS part of my life…so why do you keep trying to put the two together? One has nothing to DO with the other.”

I remember my jaw just hanging down in utter amazement as I listened to him say this. He honestly felt I had no right to call him on another part of his life that had nothing to do with ME and our marriage. I’ll never, ever forget that insane conversation if I live to be 1,000.

Maybe your husband is one of these nut jobs like my ex, who wrongly feels that THAT part of his life somehow has nothing to DO with you and your marriage. Yes, I know it’s crazy and insane and self-indulgent and just 14 layers of wrong. I know it and I lived it.

My way of dealing with things then and after this latest debacle (see my signature) is to “fake it til I make it.” And that’s what I did. Trite? Yup. But that’s what I did.

Wishing you peace of mind and spirit.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1710 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, September 6th (Friday)

(((Erzulie)))

WoW. He did not do something that stupid sounds like my husband asshats.
Honey I made mine give up the home computer and he will never never get to use a personal computer like he did. When he gets on I am sitting literally beside him watching him.
He tends to think I am over doing it now been 5 years. Not Happening we will divorcd before that happens will not go thru that again.
I am sorry but as you know there is work ahead for both you and him.
Good luck.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3186 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Erzuli,

I'm here because my wife was on Ashley Madison too - for 20 months. Hell, she was on the same time as your H. It was the biggest trauma of my life. To find out that not only did they cheat, but Ashley Madison? I know the pain you are feeling - 22 months out and it is still incomprehensible. I am so sorry for you.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3868 | Registered: Dec 2011
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, September 6th (Friday)

(((EZ)))

I am so sorry that you are back here.

You know what you have to do, first and foremost, it's time to make you first priority. Eat, Sleep, stay hydrated. If you can't manage that, get to your Dr, and get something to help you with that. While you are calling the Dr, set up a time to get the full STD workup again. Has to be done for your own well being.

You need to see an attorney, and find out what your rights are. Who knows maybe you can even get some Dog support, like child support.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, breath in breath out. Work was actually a reprieve for me, it was the one place where I was able to think about something other than the A for a few hours anyway. This helps to give some perspective.

You are young, your are strong, You deserve much more than he has given you. It's time to demand more.

Sending you lots of
((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8218 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
erzulie
Member
Member # 3293
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Thank you all, SO much.

Didn't sleep a wink. Seeing a doctor today though.

This is going to sound odd - but, maybe dog lovers will understand. On some twisted level, I can accept his betrayal of me. His risk of losing me. I have an impossible time, however, with grappling the idea that he would be willing to lose his dogs. The thought is beyond my best attempt at comprehension.

I love them so much, I would hurt myself before ever even flirting with the idea of risking hurting them. Heck, I felt the same way about my husband.

Why didn't my husband feel that way about us?


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Dammit, girl, I am so sorry to hear this.

However, if it is any consolation, I had to hit my "reset button" at age 41 with a teen and a tween at home. My ex was (and still is) a serial adulterer and chronic liar.

I am very, very content. It was the right thing to do, even though it was the most agonizing thing I have ever gone through.

You be a tough chick--you will get through this.

We will help.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29585 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, September 6th (Friday)

(((erzulie)))

I guess I am one of the few on this site who is going thru this a 2nd time, in 2 different marriages
(first marriage lasted 10 yrs, no kids, I was putting him thru grad school, & I divorced him when I found out that he cheated;
in this 2nd marriage of 24 years, we had 4 kids together--& I am trying to R for the kids);

You & I are going to ask "What's wrong with me" that our WHs would do this to us, but we really have to KNOW that it is something wrong with them.

why not talk to me? I've never given him any indication that I can't be approached, talked to, anything like that ...

yes, they could have done this ^^ if their needs were not getting met.

It sounds like it is really time for you to make yourself a priority & do the 180.
And,you already know that this site will help you a lot.

We can't take your pain away but we can walk with you through it.

Sending you strength.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1355 | Registered: Dec 2012
erzulie
Member
Member # 3293
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Cat! A familiar "face". OMG, long time, no chat. I hope things are great in your world...

That is my biggest fear - trusting again. It was so hard to rebuild that trust the first time. Now? I can't even fathom the possibility - emotionally OR intellectually.

I cannot imagine waking up at 84, finding out I gave my whole life and heart to someone who was never honest. My entire life would be a sham.

Did I mention how my own brother went through this around the same time - 2010/2011? We watched his agony, supported him, helped him ... my husband offered his hand and heart multiple times to him. My brother's wife had cheated. The same time my husband was offering support to my brother, he was signing up for Ashley Madison and telling his "rugged handsomeness" (his self-characterization) to strange, moral-less women.

Who does that?!?!?


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
erzulie
Member
Member # 3293
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, September 6th (Friday)

"Selling" - not "telling". Damn iPad.


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Erz, PM me and I can fill you in.

But to your question on "who does that," my answer is someone very broken and disconnected from other people's feelings. I watched my now-ex cry over his mother's affair, but go on to have 4 (perhaps more) of his own.

As difficult as it may be, perhaps who he is is a chronically deceitful person with issues with intimacy (not sex, emotional intimacy) and the ability to mimic emotions and say the right things. Sometimes in some of these serial cheaters, there is nothing more than a hollow shell and the ability to say and act in a way that may be perceived as loving.

I wouldn't make any hard and fast decisions now, but I would get into IC quickly to have some help in sorting all of this out. An attorney appointment wouldn't be out of the question either.

I am so sorry you are here under these circumstances. I have thought of you frequently over the years . . .

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29585 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
Too_Trusting
Member
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Oh Erzulie,

I remember you, and I'm sooooo sorry you find yourself back here. As others have said, NO ONE should have to go through this twice.

I totally get your devotion to your dogs and to treatment for the one that is a senior. At my D-Day, I also had a dog that was sooooo incredibly sick and had been misdiagnosed and given treatment that actually made her worse. Two days after D-day, I had an appt. with a different vet for a 2nd opinion. It was THAT appointment and my devotion to that dog that actually kept me from killing myself. Honestly.

I look back on it now and thank GOD I had that dog (and my other pets) to keep me going. I know I wouldn't have gotten out of bed (or worse), if those wonderful little lives weren't dependent on me. I shudder to think about that now.

You are a strong and amazing woman. That he could betray you in this way is just beyond comprehension. I am so sorry.

But, you WILL get through this. We'll help you. And, those amazing and devoted bundles of dog fur will help you too.

Huge hugs to you...


"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 2452 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
hangingontohope7
Member
Member # 20024
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, September 6th (Friday)

My heart hurts for you. I'm also back for a second round. A little over 5 years between DDays.

Why on Earth would my husband feel any differently at all? Why would he choose to lie, after ALL we went through the last few times, years back? Why would he jeopardize the sanctity of our family? I'm not a perfect wife, Lord knows - but, why not talk to me? I've never given him any indication that I can't be approached, talked to, anything like that ...

^^^^I have had the exact same thoughts. My gut started screaming that something was wrong about 2 months before DDay#2. I asked him to go back to MC. I begged him to stop working overtime so we could spend time as a family. It didn't matter what I did for the past 5 years, he doesn't want to change. It's easier this way. He begged me to stay after DDay #1. He did and said all the right things up until the beginning of this year. And now I feel as though I've wasted 5 years of my life trying to rebuild a marriage he continued to take for granted.

Please be gentle with yourself. It's a very strange feeling to go through it a second time. Part of you simply can't believe it and a different part of you remembers the familiar pain. I wasted no time jumping back on this site for support after DDay #2. Keep posting and take care.


Me: BW
DDay #1 Tried R
DDAY #2 Divorcing

Burn everything love then burn the ashes.


Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2008
k9lover1
Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, September 6th (Friday)

I am so sorry you are going through this again. IMHO there is no excuse for a second offense. Sounds like a pattern developing.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8094 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
erzulie
Member
Member # 3293
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Is it a sign of being empowered that I want to tell people today, what happened?

I didn't think I'd want to tell anyone. Now, I feel like reaching out - not to mudsling or anything, just get some support from my family and closest friends.

I haven't yet. Just wondering if this is a bad move, and if it will pass, or linger ...


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, September 6th (Friday)

I found a tremendous well of support in reaching out to selected people. I didn't tell anyone after the first (that I know of) affair.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29585 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
erzulie
Member
Member # 3293
Question  Posted: 1:07 PM, September 6th (Friday)

I did much the same the first time around - didn't tell anyone.

All I know is - everything I did last time, didn't work.

But then again, I'm not even sure what I want this time. My goals may have changed.

His priority is to have sex - even if that sex is relegated to immoral strangers (aka, zero intimacy). My priority is to be in a relationship with someone I can trust.

How do you reconcile that? I am starting to think it really isn't possible.


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, September 6th (Friday)

Personally, it sounds like an intimacy disorder to me. His nameless, faceless affairs are his way of having a "pop-off valve" of sorts. A way to not wholly invest and be vulnerable to anyone. Personally, I think it is a lot to overcome, and in my situation it was co-morbid with NPD.

There is no timetable and nothing you "should" be doing other than to physically and emotionally take care of yourself.

As far as telling others, you know as well as I do that the bell cannot be unrung; however, I do think you would benefit from not having to keep his secrets for him.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29585 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, September 6th (Friday)

EZ I think you know the answer to that question.
You won't be able to trust ever again.
Lets face it, most of us who went through the shitstorm, and come out R on the other side, know that if it were ever to happen again we'd be gone.
I know that I love my H, and I know he loves me, but if for some reason that crazy switch ever got turned back on that would be it I would done. I also know, and you do too, that we would be absolutlely fine.

Life is short, do you want to spend the rest of it second guessing yourself, your spouse? I get what you are saying abou the dogs, I do. Just be thankful that it's just dogs, and not kids. I am of firm belief that everything happens for a reason. This is your chance to decide what is next. The world lays before you. What you do with it is totally up to you.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8218 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, September 6th (Friday)

((Erzulie)) remember you as we'll. I totally understand the doggie mom thoughts.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6542 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Too_Trusting
Member
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

Erzulie, bumping to see how you are???


"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 2452 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
erzulie
Member
Member # 3293
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

Thank you so much for checking on me.

I am not doing well. My head hurts so bad, I can barely stand up or function. I know it is dehydration related ... I don't remember ever crying this much before. I have avoided alcohol entirely and just had a little coffee this morning ... and trying to drink a lot of fluids. Zero interest in food. And, my boobs ache. Maybe my hormones are mourning, too?

My emotions are all over the map.

Physically, I feel like a bomb went off in my heart. Nothing else is working properly.

I have to find a way to get my headache under control. And I know I need to eat, but I am so nauseous.

I want to call my mom, but I just can't.


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

Oh my God, I'm so sorry. So, so sorry. I'm in tears for you.
I'm a (relative) newbie and I just find your story so heartbreaking.

I hope you can get some more fluids in you and kick the headache. You're so not alone.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 902 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

Can someone call your mom for you? I will--PM me and I can do it right away.

Your headache is likely dehydration and lack of food. Try and get something down. Regular Coca-Cola is always good--it tends to "de-nauseate."

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29585 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
hardtimesinlife
Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

I'm so sorry, Erzulie

Please sip some water or gatorade. Your headache is making everything else seem worse. When you feel better you will have a different outlook.

I was so sad to see your post


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6088 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)


..may i gently suggest that you follow your instincts and call your MOM.. that's what moms are for..

..hope you can lose the headache as well..

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4120 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Sweetie, can you call your doctor? He/she may be able to give you something to help you along for this horrid anxiety. I know how it feels to have a lump in your tummy and throat so great you can't get anything down.

I am so sorry

Huge hugs....


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5027 | Registered: May 2007
Topic Posts: 49