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User Topic: Affair broken to me 1am by girlfriend on doorstep......
MJane
Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, September 6th (Friday)

New to everything - I was hit by the bus that turns out to be a 19 month affair two nights ago when my husband's mistress turned up at 1 am to tell me he'd been sleeping with her from when I was eight and half months pregnant with my son (sleeping upstairs and woken by the bellringing). She thought it was "only fair" I know the truth and told me he'd promised to leave me many times and didn't only because of our son - she stood there with a large white envelope and it was all i could do, with shock I was feeling, to tell her she'd said what she came to say, give me what she wanted to give and leave my home. My husband exited the scene in middle of all this and returned an hour later. From reading just a couple of the many mails so kindly printed out for me, and from what he has admitted I know he started seeing her at a time I was unable to leave the couch and a high risk pregnancy. What hurt so much was reading the dates of the encounters and knowing that he went to see her after experiencing the birth of our boy. I feel so much in shock. I don't know this person - a man that I thought of as the kindest I know. My father did something similar to my mother when her third child, my sister, was little and I didn't have the best of childhoods with an absent dad and very ill mum. To me family was everything so in addition to reeling from being betrayed I am so very very sad that the family I wanted to give my little boy isn't going to happen. Our marriage was not in a great place for a year before we got pregnant - I suffered multiple repeat miscarriages and that, along with many invasive tests, took its toll - for me getting pregnant and staying pregnant was such a relief and i thought the bad times were over....I can't sleep, have barely eaten since it all happened. He finished everything with the OW and I believe him when he says that. He says he is ashamed and so sorry and doesn't recognize himself in the person who cheated on me. He wants me to give him time to make it up to me. A part of me still loves him and wants to and another thinks if he was capable of that type of long deception and did what he did at such a time in our lives I'd be a fool to do anything but walk away, keeping the "amicable" relationship we need to for my son. I still can't believe this is real....I wake up and tears overwhelm me. I don't want this to be real. I don't want him to be that person, that walking cliche of a cheating husband and me some kind of victim...I am sometimes angry but mainly am just sad and confused...

Posts: 215 | Registered: Sep 2013
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Welcome to SI, MJane. I'm so sorry you have reason to join us, but very glad you found your way here.

The early days after discovering a betrayal of this magnitude are an absolute whirl of pain, anger, sadness, and disbelief. That is all perfectly "normal" for where you are. We call this the rollercoaster. It will get better with time, but for now, you need to practice some self-care to get you through this in a healthy way.


Drink plenty of water and eat something, even if you don't feel like it.


Try to get regular sleep. If you are having trouble sleeping, please discuss this with your doctor so you can get some assistance. You will not be able to care for yourself or your children if you are not getting sufficient sleep.


Get your body moving in some way - walking, running, riding a bike, going up and down stairs - whatever works for you and your schedule. The endorphins from exercise will help with your emotional state and with relieving some of the stress and anxiety.


Read up in the Healing Library. You can find a link to it in the upper lefthand corner of your screen in the yellow box.


Keep posting. There's always someone here for you.

((((hugs))))


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24440 | Registered: Aug 2011
Offhispedestal
Member
Member # 32528
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, September 6th (Friday)

(((Hugs)))
Please take the advice given...PLEASE. You will go through constant changing emotions. These are not permanent so please don't make any decisions this early on.
My H had an A that he broke off several times and this lawyer over a yr. It should be a no brainier for your husband to break things off immediately but be prepared. This is not the last time you will hear from OW. Right now your H is ashamed because his secret is out. He will also go through the motions from feeling shame, guilt, defensive, angry . Dont be surprised when and if he blames you or the stress of fertility issues. He may give you trickle truth for days,weeks or longer. Now is the time to trust your gut
You may not do as advised... You might only get 2-3 hrs of sleep. You won't eat and cry at the drop of a hat.
But this will burn you out quickly especially taking care of a baby. Little sleep means little concentration and errors like leaving the stove on and forgetting.

I'm so so sorry you are hurting like this. People who cheat really don't comprehend the devastation of their affair when it's revealed. Read the healing library please


ME-44
WH-45
Married 24


2Beautiful daughters
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)

In R


Posts: 629 | Registered: Jun 2011
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, September 6th (Friday)

MJane

It takes a very very emotionally detached person to cheat on their pregnant wife. He needs to figure out why he did this. You can not fix him.
He is not the person you thought he was period.
You do not have to make any decisions today about whether to stay married or not. Take care of you.
Drink tons of water eat well and exercise. I exercised to go to sleep from exhaustion.
Go see a lawyer know your legal rights be prepared.
Go to your doctor and get STD test done. Protect yourself.
Set yourself an appointment with a individual counselor. Also make sure they specialize in infidelity and trauma.
I would ask him to go too marriage counseling. Whether you stay together or not it will help you thru the healing process.
Come here and vent. Try not to have your thoughts on him and the affair every minute of the day.
I am truly sorry you are here at a time that brings a family such joy. But remember it does not have to be the end. You hold all the answers to that question. It is ok whether you stay married or divorce whatever your decision you will get support here.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3185 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
hopingforhappy
Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, September 6th (Friday)

MJane, I am so sorry that this happened to you. I know the pain, as this is how I found out about my FWH's A--OW showed up on my doorstep (not at 1 am though), with my young children in the house. It is horrible and such a shock. The one thing that I will tell you for sure is that she did it to try to press the issue with your WH. He may have told her several times that he was leaving you, but he was not. So she took matters into her own hands in an effort to break up your M.

Whether she succeeds or not is largely up to your WH. Watch his actions, see how he handles this. He needs to write a NC letter (with your input) and send it immediately. It takes a special kind of crazy woman to show up on your doorstep like that, so hopefully he had learned a lot about her. She probably will not give up easily. Make sure he is being transparent with his phone, computer, etc. Block her phone number and e-mail address.

You do not have to make any decisions right now. Take care of yourself and your beautiful son. Get an appointment with your doctor to be checked for STD's and to get some meds to help you sleep--you will probably need them. Also, IC for you and your WH. Post here as often as you need and read the Healing Library. SI has been a life saver for me, I hope it will be for you, too.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1265 | Registered: Aug 2010
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, September 6th (Friday)

I'm sorry you are here. I hope this site offers you some support. You are not alone. Whatever you do, DO NOT blame yourself (in any way) for what has happened. This is a choice that was made by two selfish people (your H and the OW) who were not thinking of the consequences.

Please find a counselor ASAP to help guide you in person through this and assist you with ways to cope (breathing exercises, meditation, etc.). Find a safe friend or family member in whom to confide.

Don't make any decisions now except for things like what to eat for breakfast and when to take a shower. Major decisions should be put off until you are in a more rational, calm frame of mind.

Be mindful of what advice is given to you by family/friends. Although they have the best intentions, they also have their own agenda. You will be surprised what people will say! My older brother, who is the most conservative, "do the right thing"-type of person wants me to divorce my H (6 months ago I found out he had a 2.5 year affair).

The fact that she showed up on your doorstep is a good indication that the affair has ended (she's probably pissed at him). But be aware, he may be inclined to take this underground.

Get a copy of the book "How to help your spouse heal from your affair." It will be helpful to BOTH of you.

Make arrangements to see a marriage counselor together. Recovering from an affair is a long process, even in the "best" of circumstances (i.e. two willing parties who are ready to rebuild).


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 855 | Registered: Jun 2013
MJane
Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Thanks so much for all of your advice - there are times when I'm getting on and dealing with "real life" (letting in plumber to fix leaking roof) that it all feels like an out of body experience and am about to wake up any minute....I definitely will try and take better care of myself as my son needs me fit. Hopingforhappy, she definitely showed herself up to be a real crazy woman - 500 pages of printed mails and long diatribe where she justifies sleeping with my husband her "true love". Before she gave me the package over she actually said "this is not the way I wanted to do this, let's meet up for a coffee and talk" - I told her not much i could ever see us talking about...as if there was a "way" of breaking this over coffee and a muffin....it also made me wonder how on earth he could throw our lives away for someone capable of such madness. I do hope it is over - but as I don't know this man anymore what do i know about when he is telling me the truth and when not? He actually came home from work with roses, champagne and oysters - I told him how completely inappropriate all of them were - he'd managed not to give me any if these in the last 2 years, telling me every time he'd forgotten a birthday or anniversary how tired he was from the baby and stressed from work....

Posts: 215 | Registered: Sep 2013
Hrtbrken1
Member
Member # 33802
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Oysters? Yeah, because you feel so much like eating

He needs to get his ass on the phone asap, and find an IC. Then the two of you should find a MC. Don't make any decisions right now, just try to breathe. He needs to draft a NC letter with you, and send it *with you there*. Hand over all passwords, all cell phones. Show he is transparent, and that he gets it.

I am so sorry that crazy bi*&h showed up at your house. Hang in there.


Me-BW
Him-WH
Together 16 years, married 10.
DDay 07/26/2011, 8 month EA/PA with friend of our family. Months of TT.
DDay#2 Early spring 2012, confirmed EA with another woman.

Posts: 138 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Sunny South
MJane
Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Hrtbrken1, I hear you but am not sure I want to be that woman who obsesses over his mail and cellphone - I know right now I can't trust him but I don't want him to change who I am...I don't want him to make me into the insecure wife checking on him - you're right I need to see for myself the mail he sends ending it - he had suggested he needed to meet her to end it and I told him that after the other night she lost any rights and if he planned to meet her again in person he could plan on staying out of the home as what she did to me and my son (it took an hour to get him back off to sleep) was beyond cruel and crazy....It worried me he still wanted to "treat her fairly" after what she'd done

Posts: 215 | Registered: Sep 2013
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, September 6th (Friday)

OYSTERS??? Oh my God, I would have been throwing them at him.

So sorry you've found our little club. It's a horrible experience and one I wouldn't wish on anyone. I agree with other posts. He needs to send her a No Contact letter. He needs to state he is never going to contact her again and she is never to contact him, through any medium, ever again.

Because she already showed up on your doorstep, I would make it clear in the letter that if she ever shows up at your house again you will call the police.
Then send the letter via certified mail so she has to sign for it. This will give you proof that she received the letter so if she does ever show up you can prove she was told NOT to.

She's crazy (they all are to some degree) but the 1:00 am thing sounds like maybe she was in an altered state? And I won't even get into the coffee idea...

He also should give you all passwords to any accounts. Access to his phone - 100% transparency. Make him write out a timeline of how this started and what went on right up until two days ago.

Lastly, get yourself to a therapist and get some sleep meds if you can; they *will* help. I'm 7 months out and waited two months before I sought help and wish I had gone the week I found out. I'm on Zoloft and Klonopin now and it has been a huge help with anxiety and sleep.

I could have written your post about the plumber 7 months ago. I was in the exact same state, but I didn't have an 8 month old at home and I can not imagine going through this with a baby. I found I couldn't eat, but I could stomach liquids so my IC suggested I keep Ensure on hand, make smoothies with protein powder added, and drink lots of water.

Big hugs to you. Please keep reading and posting and know you're, unfortunately, not alone.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 261 | Registered: Mar 2013
hopingforhappy
Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Ok, again I have been through this same thing. My FWH also "didn't want to be mean to her." This is the fog talking to a certain extent. You are exactly right to stand your ground on this one--no personal meetings, only NC letter. He may also be afraid of what she may do if he doesn't appease her somewhat. Is she a co-worker, could she cause trouble for him with his job? My FWH said he knew his OW was crazy and didn't want to push her over the edge (although he did not want to see her in person either), so he tried to be "nice" to her for a while after the break-up. That didn't work out for him, BTW. There is no appeasing crazy. She is going to do what she is going to do and he will have to deal with the fall out, whatever it is.

You do not have to check up on your WH, you just need to know that he is willing for you to do that, if you want to. So transparency and giving passwords, etc. is more about his willingness to allow you to check on him (showing he has nothing to hide), less about you being the insecure wife. Ask for that--insist on it. It helps to build back trust.

You are doing great, keep it up!


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1265 | Registered: Aug 2010
MJane
Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Hopingforhappy she was someone he met through work (they met at events all the time and I was none the wiser that "events" and work was actually something else later...). He'll come across her again in person so i can't prevent them seeing her altogether but have told him no 1:1. I think of that night and me coming downstairs in my towelling bathrobe, sleepy and worried about who could be ringing the doorbell so insistently at 1 am, thinking it might be police with bad news or something horrible but never imagining this....she was dolled up to the nines and me having rolled out of bed...Talk about hitting me with news when I was completely vulnerable....

Posts: 215 | Registered: Sep 2013
hopingforhappy
Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Of course you were completely vulnerable--that was her plan. She is a manipulative b****. It sounds like you handled it just right, although you will probably replay it in your head many times and wish that you had done something differently. I know I have. I wish I had said or done any number of clever and/or destructive things (she had pictures for me to see, I wish I had torn them to bits, so she would not have them to keep). I wish I had called the police. I wish I had laughed in her face and told her what an idiot she was for waiting around for five years for a married man to leave his wife. The list is long and varied.

But, you did not engage her and that is good, you did not become hysterical, you just took what she gave you and closed the door in her face. That was perfect. Really, the less drama the better--she was looking for drama. She will continue to look for drama, that is why NC is so effective. Do not feed the beast.

What she really wanted was for you to throw your WH out so she could have him and that did not happen either (at least not yet!) I told my FWH on Dday to go be with her if that was what he wanted. He is still here. We have been through a lot of pain and tears and arguments and therapy and HB and. . . .we are still working on it, every day. It is not easy, but if your WH is willing to do the work and you are willing to give the gift of R (an A is a dealbreaker for some and that is ok), then you can make your M work again. It will be the most difficult thing that you ever do, but you will find out a lot about yourself in the process and you will discover strength you never knew you had. I can tell you are strong from your posts so far. You may not believe it right now, but whatever you decide about your WH, you will be fine. Better than fine, you will be fabulous.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1265 | Registered: Aug 2010
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, September 6th (Friday)

To me these two statements mean he is still somewhat in "the fog":

he had suggested he needed to meet her to end it

&
he still wanted to "treat her fairly"

I too told my FWH to leave on DDay and he immediately snapped out of the fog. Similar to hopingforhappy, he told me she was unstable (duh) and he was concerned.

Here's what I said to my FWH when he expressed concern about "ending it properly":

"This woman set out on a mission for your children to lose their Father, for me to lose my Husband and my family as I know it, and our children to grow up in a broken home. She wanted YOU to lose your children and family you idiot! Does that sound like a nice person to you? And if you care one iota about her now, then get the hell out. Go be with her, be happy, you deserve each other."

That seemed to turn the switch to "off" with my FWH's fog.

He then begged me not to throw him out, went NC, and we wrote a NC letter for her together. He totally woke up and realized the intensity of what he had done and risked.

At 7 months we've had our ups and downs but we're both in IC and MC and we're trying to move forward with R. It's not easy. It's still hard to wake up every day and realize this is my life, but he's coming to terms with a lot of FOO issues and I'm hopeful we'll make it.

But you can't R until he is fully aware of how damaging his actions have been to you and your family. He needs to realize he put your marriage and your health at risk. Then he needs to figure out why he was capable of doing this because it had absolutely *nothing* to do with you.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 261 | Registered: Mar 2013
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, September 6th (Friday)

I hope what I am going to tell you will be something of comfort. One of the things I keep wondering about is HOW everyone else in the scenario gets to go on with their life as though nothing happened (SAWH doesn't want co-workers to know, doesn't want anyone from her work to know, etc. ) and I am in so much pain. The MC assures me that the OW is probably suffering to some extent too and not only that...she definitely has some mental issues because otherwise she would not have gotten involved with a married man. Obviously, this does not excuse her poor judgment, but I guess I can take a small amount of comfort knowing that she is suffering to some extent over this. Probably does feel some level of guilt.

Also, recognize that part of this is that she probably felt so flattered that a married man would risk his marriage and family for HER. That was part of the HIGH for her. Now that he isn't, she wants revenge on him.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 855 | Registered: Jun 2013
Broken6
Member
Member # 40347
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

I am so sorry you found yourself here. I did less than a month ago, and felt exactly as you have- can't believe this is real, that this is my life now. I told WH that this is not the fairytale little girls dream of growing up. Your H owes OW nothing. No explanation, no apology either. OW is an adult and fully knew she was engaging in A with a married man. My WH tried telling me that at first too, it wasn't her fault, she is not a bad person. Really??? She is 46 years old and unless she is mentally handicapped was fully aware that she carried on with a married man, with 4 children. And my sorry WH even sent her pictures of my kids on occasion. For what???

Take care of yourself, the nightmares will slowly go away, and another emotion will take its place. Sadness, anger - the post above is correct, it is a rollercoaster. I wish for all of us we never had to take this ride.

Be careful of the OW intentions. What was she trying to accomplish by letting you know? She is selfish -proven by her actions- so I wonder, if your WH wasn't taking action to end the marriage after making her promises and pushing back deadlines, maybe she thought by revealing it to you, that you would end the marriage. That is the OW ultimate goal. Do not make it easy for her. My mom told me, make it hard for both of them, do not hand him over on a silver platter to OW.

Hugs to you, and you are stronger than you know. Ditto the healing library, better than some books I bought. Take care of yourself.


The grass isn't greener on the other side, it is greener where you water it.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Aug 2013
MJane
Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

I have been so sad these last few days and now am getting angry - I am also angry with myself (which I know isn't healthy) for not picking up the signs - the lack of sex and constant "tiredness" excuses, the time I asked for his laptop code to upload photos on to a site that didn't work with my IPad and he refused saying he'd help me later as the password was too complicated and I would just forget it, shipping me off to my inlaws last summer during my maternity leave to get help from his mum when what he was actually getting was three weeks to live it up with the OW (confirmed by her helpful note to me...), letting that woman come for walks with him with my newborn son...I loved and maybe still love this man but feel today that if I let him back into my life for good I'd be a fool and would be settling for someone who didn't know how to cherish what he had....

Posts: 215 | Registered: Sep 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

Stop. You are not a fool.

It is very common for new BS's to feel stupid. I understand..I did too. But..why do you feel stupid? You loved and trusted your husband..you *should be* able to trust your husband.

Do not feel foolish because you trusted..he is the fool who betrayed that trust.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7153 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

((((MJane))))

I'm glad to see you posting, honey. How are you doing with the self-care?


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24440 | Registered: Aug 2011
Broken6
Member
Member # 40347
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

Oh Gosh, I relate so much to what you are feeling. I felt like such a fool for not seeing the signs earlier, for not questioning so many nights out, and coming home late. He was so secretive too, he took his phone into the shower so nobody would get a look at it. He would walk outside in the evening to take phone calls, no doubt from the slut. After 21 years, and he worked out of town for 11 years, I thought I could trust him. I had never had a reason not to. I was angry at myself for letting him deceive me for 10 months. I always thought I was more intuitive than that. I had no idea what he was capable of. I hope you will soon see, that in NO WAY WHATSOEVER are you a fool, it is the WS who is the fool. If they are going to cheat, they are going to find a way. In today's technology era, there are even more ways to cheat - but guess what there are even more ways to get caught. I just by chance, uploaded a new version of ICLOUD onto my phone that fateful day. We all share an account under his name, so all of a sudden, I started getting his texts. I didn't recognize the numbers but they were coming in. One of them I read was the discovery text. It stopped my breathing. It was from a friend of hers who he called "sweetie" and he was telling her how much he needed and wanted this slut so badly. How she had done nothing short of saving his life. I confronted him that evening. He was so taken aback, he didn't deny anything. To this day, I am thankful for ICLOUD, and someone/thing up there in the sky looking out for me. I don't know that I would have discovered the A, if it hadn't been for the software update. Since I caught him offguard, he was so shocked to be caught in his little fantasy, he took it underground for 3 months, and I caught him again. I have no trust at all for him. We are trying to work through it, and he is seemingly remorseful - but not always. Time will tell. Sorry for such a long post. What I really want to convey, is not to blame yourself for not seeing it. They go to great lengths to hide, and through no fault of our own, are we trusting. It is because of the golden rule, do unto others as they would have done to you. Well, I would never do that to him.


The grass isn't greener on the other side, it is greener where you water it.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 20