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Just Found Out
User Topic: I just need someone...
Broken1Again
Member
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, September 6th (Friday)

I have been cheated on so many times and each time I promise it's the last time. I found out again and all ready I feel like he's shifted it all on me, and I think the worst thing for me is wanting him to care and him acting like he doesn't and that makes me feel worse.

I just need someone to tell me that they understand, even if you didn't understand a word I just said or think I'm the biggest idiot out there...I just need someone to tell me I will be all right without him.


BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 859 | Registered: May 2011
HereWeGo62
Member
Member # 34766
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, September 6th (Friday)

You will be ok. In the end it will be your decision to stay or go. It sounds like your H needs a bunch of IC. He may never change.

I have been cheated on so many times and each time I promise it's the last time. I found out again and all ready I feel like he's shifted it all on me

^^^ This is not your fault and it has never been your fault. Your WH is deflecting the blame to cover his own ass and to try and reduce the consequences. Cheating is his decision alone, please remember that.

and I think the worst thing for me is wanting him to care and him acting like he doesn't and that makes me feel worse.

He may not care, he certainly is not showing remorse for what he has done to hurt you. You may want to go to the healing library and read up on the 180. The 180 is to help you gain strength and reclaim your power and independence.

You will make it through this. One way or the other you will emerge on the other side ok.


If there is reincarnation I hope OM comes back as a low water flush truck stop toilet!

Posts: 306 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Tx
Broken1Again
Member
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Thank you HereWeGo62 I just needed to be heard...I hold so much in and don't tell anyone what is going on, not even here do I share a lot and in this moment I just needed someone to tell me I'll be ok...


BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 859 | Registered: May 2011
strongerdaybyday
Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Herewego62 is saying everything I would have - so there's not much I can add. I just wanted to offer you strength and lots of hugs.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
ItWasHisBoss23
New Member
Member # 40566
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, September 6th (Friday)

I felt I should really write you as I see you giving so much sound advice to others and deserve the same.

My mother and father have been together 27 years and he has cheated on her the entire time. We knew about it growing up and it was horrible. My father cannot go to the gas station two minutes away to buy cigarettes without my mother having anxiety about him seeing someone that she questions him and starts an argument. She is deeply tortured by his infidelities and has recently after many years of his, had a couple of A's herself.

I don't believe once a cheater, always a cheated. But I do believe that serial cheaters and liars always will be. They have a deep need to feel wanted or craved and to do the same with others and that need will never go away and it is NOT your fault or your responsibility to try and fill that void they think they have.

All I have wanted for my mother for years was to get out and find someone who will truly treat her with respect. I only wish the same for you. We all make mistakes and end up in situations we do not understand. As much as I cannot tell you what to do, I will tell you that there is something better out there for you and even if it gets worse before it gets better, it will get better and you have people like me and others here to be there for you if you ever feel not okay.


26
WH - 28
Married less than a year
No children

D-Day - July 12, 2013


Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Cedar Rapids, IA
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, September 6th (Friday)

My dear, you will not only be all right without him, you are very likely to FLOURISH without his toxic presence! (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4557 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, September 6th (Friday)

I understand, Broken1. One of the hardest things about the whole process for me has been watching Nearly Exh fall off the high pedestal he created for himself to be on for me.

Some people also call it blinders, which were very thick, indeed. When we love, it's difficult to see or hear negative things and then to realize they are true is another thing.

We can't make someone care who doesn't, I'm sorry to say, for I wanted that too. But we can help our selves and as time goes on, we can open our minds to new thoughts about life and it's freedoms and new paths.

With time, you will make it through and be just fine without him...and it seems like with each new day, things are a little less rough.

I don't know if this will help at all, but for me, it was literally, one step at a time. When the grief was heaviest, I would make lists of things I did in a day and then tell myself that I did such and such and he was nowhere near to help, he didn't care about me, but I still did an accomplishment. Then I would try to do two in a day and I would write it down so I could look at it at night through my tears and see for myself that I could function. It was proof that I could go on.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Amber13
Member
Member # 40505
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, September 6th (Friday)

You will be okay. Sending you lots of strength. Look after yourself. Try to eat and sleep. Take it a day at a time and remember, you will be okay!

Posts: 63 | Registered: Aug 2013
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, September 6th (Friday)

We hear you. We are here for you.
My therapist said when you are ready you will know what to do and when. Don't push yourself till then. Just try to be happy.
Sending you hugs...


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3184 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, September 6th (Friday)

These are the times where I wish there was some SI in person support group... sigh... Because all of us would go straight to your house, sit with you, and make sure you could see how much support you have and that you WILL be ok. You will be better than OK. We're here for you. Hugs.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 261 | Registered: Mar 2013
erzulie
Member
Member # 3293
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, September 6th (Friday)

I understand. And you will be alright without him. Better, even.

My mom told me once, "it takes a really good man, to beat no man." That phrase makes a lot more sense to me now than it used to.

I am telling you these things, and telling myself at the same time. We both need to heed this advice.


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
Broken1Again
Member
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, September 6th (Friday)

Thank you everyone...I am sitting here bawling because I just needed someone, anyone to understand and tell me I will be ok.

I have put up with so much and tried so hard to hold it together and I feel like in the process I may have killed myself on the inside.

ItWasHisBoss - Your post hit me so hard. I have so many triggers more so then I think anyone should endure. Every town, every store, just everything is a trigger, because there have been just so many. I think your mom stays for the same reason as me. We've been beaten into submission, although not physical. I really feel that.

I know it's stupid to ask and I will never get an answer, but why am I never enough? I'm a good person...I know I deserve better. Why am I still here?

Just lost. Thank you all so much for writing me, you have no idea how much I needed this right now. :(


BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 859 | Registered: May 2011
Topic Posts: 12