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Just Found Out
User Topic: When the WS doesn't know that you know
DCP21
New Member
Member # 40061
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, September 6th (Friday)

I still haven't confronted the WS. Daughter's wedding was just last weekend and I was going to wait until this weekend to confront him. But, I found more evidence this week. I knew WS had registered with sex/ dating/ escort sites, but I didn't believe he had physically done anything yet. However, I decided to create a fake profile and email him. He bit, hook, line and sinker. He is now in the process of trying to set up a meeting with her (ME!). He said that he is very discreet, sounding to me like he sure has done this before. Now I'm even more devastated. Should I show up at the meeting place? Confront him there? Just take pictures? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.


BS: 49
WS: 53
Girl/Boy - 25/20
Married 26 years

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jul 2013
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Blowing my cover too early was a big mistake I made. I thought I had enough evidence and he would confess. Instead he BS'ed his way around it and gaslighted until there was enough doubt in my mind (and I WANTED to beleive him) that I stayed years beyond what I should have.

Like in your case - if you do schedule a meet-up, he is going to say he knew it was you the entire time, etc.

I could not confront until you know exactly what you want to do and have solid proof. You have a clear advantage now of knowing he is up to something and being able to collect evidence. Once you reveal yourself, he is going to be deleting and erasing all his proof.

PS - Why don't you say in your emails that you are new to this but he sounds like he has experiencing at being discreet and how often has he done this?

Edited - I am sooo sorry you are going through this. I remember all too well how awful that felt!

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 9:30 AM, September 6th (Friday)]


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2176 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Camalus
Member
Member # 40199
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, September 6th (Friday)

I was in a very different yet similar situation. I knew but my WW was not aware I knew and I only recently confronted her. The time between discovery and confrontation allowed me to be prepared for the confrontation and keep control. My IC was great help with this as we gamed played it out over several sessions.

If you are prepared, possibly set up a meet using the fake profile. Then ‘stand him up’. When he comes home, very calmly tell him. “I think it is time we discuss how your ….. and how it impacts our marriage going forward.”

If he denies, just say “you and I both know that’s not true.”

If he tries to blame you say “I’m sorry you feel that way but we still need to discuss how your …. Impacts our marriage and how we proceed.”

Try not to start things off with ‘You’, that will make him defensive. Try to start things off with “I feel… then you can shift into his behavior.

Good luck and best wishes.


Me–BS age 61
Her -- WS age 59
Married for 34 years
One child, 30yrs

Her 'A' 1994(?) through 1998
D-Day 7/4/2013 Yes, I didn't find out for almost 15 years... but the pain is just as bad as if she were with him last week.


Posts: 120 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Near Houston Texas
Broken1Again
Member
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Tirednconfused, I love how you worded your sentences and what to say to the WS. I wish I had done that this morning...A question for you though, why do you think she should stand him up and then ask tell him they need to discuss the impact? Will she be tipping her hand? or just catching him at a time where she knows he's guilty of something because he tried to "rendezvous" with someone...


BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 883 | Registered: May 2011
DCP21
New Member
Member # 40061
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, September 6th (Friday)

EvenKeel, that's what I was thinking. If he does go to meet "her", I think I will just follow and take pics. In my email I did say I was nervous and that it was my first time, and had he done anything like this before? I'm just waiting on the response. Then I'll know. I feel like I should get an Academy Award for my performance the last 6 months. I didn't think I could hold all this in for this long. Thank God for this site, where I've been able to learn a lot from everyone and have had a place to vent. I don't feel so alone.

And Tirednconfused, that's very good advice. I've been gathering ALOT of evidence for 6 months. I'm thinking about IC, but haven't had the guts to go yet. I think I need to do that before the confrontation, if I can keep holding it in.


BS: 49
WS: 53
Girl/Boy - 25/20
Married 26 years

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jul 2013
Stronger4it
Member
Member # 39372
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, September 6th (Friday)

I second what tirednconfused advises. And if you can check out his previous posts, his confrontation with his spouse was great. I think the key was how prepared he was.

Perhaps use this time to gather more evidence? But be careful. He may turn this around and use the fact that you were on the dating site too. He could accuse you of cheating, or worse a "If you like Pina Coladas" sorta thing.

A small (immature) part of me would like to see you toy with him. E.g. Set up a date with him, and then (IRL) offer to accompany him to wherever he says (lies) is going.

Keep posting. I would like to see how this plays out.

Stay strong.


Me BS 46
Him WS 48
Together 18 yrs
Daughter 9
DD Nov 13/12
Today ?

Posts: 60 | Registered: May 2013
DCP21
New Member
Member # 40061
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Well, color me immature too then lol! Sometimes I feel like a cat with a mouse. I'll see a guy on TV cheating, and I'll put a few digs in. WS, of course, doesn't realize I'm really talking about him.

And I never registered on those sites - hell, I'd never even heard of them! He was just kind of careless and I figured out his user name and password.

Part of me wants to just get this over and confront him NOW, but I also would like to get some more info if I could. In my past posts I spoke of his financial infidelity first. I still haven't found where all the money went, and I'm afraid he must keep the secret bank statements at work. If anyone has any ideas on how I could find the missing money, please let me know.

And Tirednconfused, I'll be sure to go back and look at your posts. You seem really insightful and I'm sure they'll help me to prepare.


BS: 49
WS: 53
Girl/Boy - 25/20
Married 26 years

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jul 2013
Camalus
Member
Member # 40199
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Posting via blackberry...pardon the typos.

I suggested 'standing him up' for a couple of reasons.

1 proof positive he is activily seeking an encounter

2 catches him in a lie (assuming he will make up some excuse to go out)

3 should have him feeling somewhat blue and rejected when he returns.

Practice is the key. Don't buy into his denials and don't allow him to blameshift. If he tries shifting blame just say "I fully accept one-half the blame for issues in our marriage but YOU made a decision to enter into an afair and YOU must accept responsibility for that action"

Good luck--have your ducks in a row, stay calm, and come out firing.


Me–BS age 61
Her -- WS age 59
Married for 34 years
One child, 30yrs

Her 'A' 1994(?) through 1998
D-Day 7/4/2013 Yes, I didn't find out for almost 15 years... but the pain is just as bad as if she were with him last week.


Posts: 120 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Near Houston Texas
DCP21
New Member
Member # 40061
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Thanks Tirednconfused! Feeling calmer and better able to think. "Just keep swimming...just keep swimming".


BS: 49
WS: 53
Girl/Boy - 25/20
Married 26 years

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jul 2013
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Oh I can hardly wait for the follow up on this!!!!! It has me sitting on the edge of my seat. I wouldn't have been able to be so patient but then again my swift actions and clarity at the beginning shocked the hell out of him. Too bad my emotions slowly caught up!

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Painfuljourney
Member
Member # 40208
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, September 6th (Friday)

I confronted right away. So you are a saint. I love the idea of you not showing up at first and asking about if he's done that before. Maybe even weed him out. Why he does it? Doesn't his wife provide his needs?

Then yes, meet him at some bar or something for cocktails. Hide you vehicle somehow, park in the adjoining parking lot so he doesn't catch on.


BS (me) - 44
WH - 46
DD - July 1, 2013
2 daughters, 14 and 10

Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, September 6th (Friday)

he is going to say he knew it was you the entire time, etc.

This is the frequently heard lie in this scenario.

Examine within yourself why you want to do it this way.
When the WS doesn't know that you know, the longer you can keep this, the more advantage it is to you.
Do you think busting him this way (dramatically) will make him have instant remorse - & then it's going to be all right?

I wonder, don't you "know enough" really?

I foresee having your L's pretty assistant showing up and serving him, while your L discreetly records in the background.

You know you can always suspend the D, right? They take time.
But one thing I do know.
A strong boot suddenly up his ass in that manner will move you more quickly to resolution,

...you'll see right away if he's capable of remorse & whatever it takes to repair your trust.

I know it sounds sharp, sister, I don't mean to pain you - I am just fed up with the amount of suffering unremorseful WS put on their BS's- and I'd do a lot to help people avoid it.


Posts: 6644 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Happydays
Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, September 6th (Friday)

Just throwing in a random thought.
You too are registered on that / those websites.
How will that play if things go legal?
Plan accordingly.
Call him to a bar in a particular dress code and catch him red handed.
If you are going to confront this way, make sure he doesn't get a chance to say " I knew it was you all this time."

Also video record the meet with date and time stamps for complete control.



BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
demos
Member
Member # 35660
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, September 6th (Friday)

jjct is right. you have enough evidence and catching red handed isn't necessary ..... but there are times when somebody deserves to feel like an ass!

It would be perfect if you had a girlfriend that he didn't know that would be willing to meet him. You could have all kinds of fun with him then.

But don't follow him. Get to the meeting spot before him. Some place open and in public. City park? Find a spot where you can watch an area that you will direct him to but he won't notice you in the distance. And then just have a ball with it.

Text him that you are such and such in the red shirt sitting on the bench accross the pond. Or the woman in the blue shirt sitting in the black car on the other side of the parking lot. See if you can get this ass to approach this other person and introduce himself as the cheating fuck.

Then when he realizes that's not who he thought text again and apologize and say you were just so nervous you had to know if he was real. Tell him you've been watching from a distance and now that you can see he is real you are ready to meet. Then direct him to another part of the park and just let him sit there and wait while you text that it will just be a few more minutes. See how long he will sit there before he leaves.

Then when he finally gets frustrated and realizes this woman isn't going to meet for real text again and say you'll meet him at home.

Of course this will require a pay as you go phone but you can't find a better source of entertainment to spend $50 on.

And it's a great story to tell to a judge or a lawyer when he's giving you crap down the road.


Posts: 175 | Registered: May 2012
Tesa
Member
Member # 10002
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, September 6th (Friday)

I say you have your attorney meet him and serve him the D papers.

[This message edited by Tesa at 1:02 PM, September 6th (Friday)]


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Mar 2006
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, September 6th (Friday)

^^^^ I like this scenario best. Says everything that needs to be said.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Amber13
Member
Member # 40505
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, September 6th (Friday)

Oh Tesa what an idea that is. If you weren't wanting to stay with him ofcourse! Proper busted!

Posts: 63 | Registered: Aug 2013
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, September 6th (Friday)

Oh I second the attorney serve him up divorce/separation papers oh how darn sweet!! How I would love to be a fly on the wall..


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, September 6th (Friday)

I say you have your attorney meet him and serve him the D papers.
^^^ and what jjct said! Go see a Lawyer with the information you do have actually get the process started on the D then set the meeting and hand him the D papers at the meeting or when he gets back home after the no show. You only get one chance to confront so make sure you hit with with everything you have. Hell you could even have a bag packed for him when he gets back and the locks changed on the house. I wish you the best but if you haven't, go see a L now.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:39 PM, September 6th (Friday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1910 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, September 6th (Friday)

Should I show up at the meeting place? Confront him there?

That would take a high level of calm and control on your part, but if you can do that and keep your emotions in check, that would be a priceless way to let him know that he's been busted.

he is going to say he knew it was you the entire time, etc.

Let him say what he wants, who cares? If he's going to lie, he's going to lie regardless. But the two of you will know he's full of shit, and that's what counts.

I say you have your attorney meet him and serve him the D papers.

Even better. After a few minutes of him gaslighting you, your process server can walk up to the table and serve him with divorce papers.

You too are registered on that / those websites.
How will that play if things go legal?

Interesting point. But if the only profile you made contact with is your WH's, then your version of events will pass the smell test.


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1450 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, September 6th (Friday)

DCP21,
What are you thinking in regards to your future with your WH? Do you want to try and R? Are you done and want to D? Have you seen an attorney? If not, you really should, especially since money is missing. What your ideal outcome is will probably help determine the best direction to go in.
Of course, no matter what I think you should toy with him :-)

ETA: typo

[This message edited by cliffside at 4:22 PM, September 6th (Friday)]


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
hathnofury
Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, September 6th (Friday)

DCP, there is a refernence thread for those whose WS is into anonymous encounters:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=502528&HL=32550

Read it. And if there is money missing, he is probably using prostitutes too. IMO, there is no question he has gotten physical many times before. You could keep going and dig out what you think you need to know...but as previous people have suggested, you are compromising yourself being on those sites and he will lie and gaslight you anyway. If you really need "hard evidence" you should hire a PI to do this for you so it can actually be used in court if needed.

What you should be focusing on now is what do you want, what do you need, now that you know he is being unfaithful with multiple anonymous encounters. The reference thread will help you with that. It's all good SI stuff, just tweaked a bit for those who have spouses like yours.

I am so sorry you have to be here because of this. You are not alone. Take care of yourself.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1484 | Registered: Jun 2011
stunned wife
Member
Member # 28899
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

My husband doesn't know I've known about his hook-ups for about 5 years now. I have proof of him Hooking up with both Women and men. We've been married for 7 years and together for 8 years. Ive been trying to gain strength and figure out how I'm going to confront him on what I know and that I want a divorce. I'm not angry or sad about this anymore and I'm ready to move on with my life. For me the toughest part is telling him its over which will be a shock to him (even though we haven't been intimate in 4 years). Four years ago I started the talk but he, of course, denied cheating. He asked what I wanted to do, marriage counseling? And I said I don't know. I couldn't get myself at the time to say I want a divorce and I just said I don't know. Since that talk he's gone on with his hook ups and I've just kept busy with work and helping my sister care for our mom since dad passed 3 years ago. I'm so scared and nervous to talk with him about wanting a divorce but its what I want and I don't want to waste more of my life. I met with a lawyer 4 years ago and met with another one 2 months ago but haven't taken the step yet towards my new life. I've been ready a lot of messages on here and trying to gain strength

Posts: 56 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Minnesota
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

I am in the same boat as DCP21 and stunned wife.....Moving the D process forward at this time would bring about changes in my life that I am not prepared for yet....With that being said, is anybody ever prepared for infidelity , S or D to happen in their lives ?...Maybe it is better to take a dive into the cold water, swim to the surface and to safety and be done with it and work towards rebuilding one's life...
I LOVE the suggestion somebody made about having the BS's lawyer meet this WH at the pre determined meeting place and serve the D papers then and there...I may end up following this suggestion in my own case

[This message edited by doggiediva at 6:29 PM, November 9th (Saturday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
EasyDoesIt
Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

Hire a PI to go to that meeting.


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3698 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

One other thing you might consider is a key logger on his computer. While you are aware of the conversations he is having with you...how many others is he having the same conversation with? Are you able to put something on his computer to understand the bigger picture?

Just a thought. Hugs to you. I know this is a very difficult time.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1646 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
LeopoldB
Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

DCP21,

You have a rare opportunity to pull one of the greatest pranks of all time.

Tell your WH (via the web site) that you want him to meet you at a hotel and that you will book the room because you will feel safer if you make the arrangements and the hotel has your credit card. Then, find a suitable occasion to schedule a surprise birthday or anniversary party for WH at the hotel. The "cover story" is that you are planning this as a surprise and he will never suspect all the attendees to be at the hotel room. Have all of his family and your children there ready to yell "surprise!" when he walks in. Cater food and decorations. Ask that he brings lingerie for you to model for him.

Sit back and watch him squirm. Your choice whether to stay with him, try to work things out, or laugh in his face.

I would actually buy tickets to attend.


Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 27