|Just Found Out|
Topic: I Don't Know
Member # 40583
| Posted: 11:59 AM, September 6th (Friday)|
First of all, these initials and abbreviations of things are completely frustrating. I don't know what they all mean, and I'm young so I feel like I should, but I don't. As a result, so far I'm having trouble getting any kind of good information from the posts because I feel like an idiot while I'm reading them since I don't know what half of it is saying. I found out, just over a week ago that my husband was cheating. I woke him up, it was 11:30 at night and confronted him. Turns out it's been going on for 6 months and he says he loves her. Right now he says he has one foot in the door and one foot out. We've been married 5 years (recently celebrated our anniversary) and have two young boys together (2 and 4). I'm dumbfounded. We've each been to an individual counseling session and one together. He told me the day after I found out that he had ended it. Then I found an email that very same night that proved otherwise. A few days later he says he's ended it. Later that night I caught him writing to her. Yesterday he told me he's decided to stay. How do I ever begin to trust him? It seems obvious he wants to give me what he thinks I want to hear. Next couples therapy session is next week.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 14576
| Posted: 12:04 PM, September 6th (Friday)|
Go to the upper left-hand corner to the Library. There are tons of articles there, and a list of abbreviations and their meanings.
There will be others to give you advice; I just wanted to give you a hug to let you know you have been heard and to send you to the Library so being on this forum is not so frustrating for you.
Me - 48; FWH - 50
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 26
4yo GS & 14 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/14(DD30) and 2yo GD(DD26). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.
Posts: 4819 | Registered: May 2007
Member # 25895
| Posted: 12:05 PM, September 6th (Friday)|
BIL-brother in law
BTW-by the way
D-Divorce or daughter
DIL-Daughter in law
FAQ-frequently answered questions
FIL-father in law
FWIW-for what its worth
FYI-for your information
IAE-in any event
IMHO-in my humble opinion
IOW-in other words
LOL-Laughing out loud
MIL-mother in law
MOm-maybe other man
MOP-maybe other person
MOw-maybe other woman
NPD-Narcissistic Personality Disorder
OEA-Online emotional affair
ONS-one night stand
PMA-positive mental attitude
POS-Piece of Sh!t
POV-point of view
R-day-Reclaim day(the annv.date of couple's reclaiming their relationship and rebuilding)
ROFLMAO-Rolling on the floor laughing my A$$ off
SAHM-Stay at home mom(thanks DS)
SEa-suspected emotional affair
SIL-sister in law
SITD-Still in the dark
SOm-suspected other man
SOw-suspected other woman(I liked this one!)
SPa-suspected physical affair
STBX-Soon to be X(husband/wife)
STBXOM-Soon to be X other man
STBXOW-Soon to be X other woman
TMI-Too much information
WTF-what the phuck
WTG-way to go
Here are the abbreviations; hope that helps.
Many of us here have suffered through numerous breaks in "no contact". Just drives a stake through your heart. He is cake eating. I'm so sorry hon but you can't "nice" him back into the marriage.
Look up the 180 under the healing library and start thinking about "you". I would see an attorney and begin the process. You can stop it at any time, but it shows him you are not going to put up with his shit.
Does his tramping girlfriend have a spouse/boyfriend? If so, contact that person immediately and out her sorry ass. Don't tell your husband that you are going to do this, just do it. Heads will roll then!
"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell
Posts: 441 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
Member # 40566
| Posted: 12:05 PM, September 6th (Friday)|
If you click on the healing library you will find all the abbreviations. I felt the same way at first not understanding what people were saying.
Secondly, I am really sorry. But all of us have been there in one way or another. Honestly, I would say if he felt like continuing to do this after you found out that he doesn't really love you the way he should to deserve you to stay with him. It is your choice and only you know the truth about your relationship but I wish you the best and hope you find peace in whatever you do decide.
WH - 28
Married less than a year
D-Day - July 12, 2013
Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Cedar Rapids, IA
Member # 21101
| Posted: 12:21 PM, September 6th (Friday)|
Welcome, as you can see from what the others have shared there is a ton of good advice in the healing library, start there.
You need to do a few things to protect you, and you kids though.
1. See a lawyer, find out what your rights are, and how things would play out should you go down the road to D.
2. Get STD tested. You don't know what he has been exposed to at this point, and need to protect your health. If you are letting him stay in your home, and having sex, then DEMAND he get tested as well, or he gloves up any time that you are intimate.
3. Make sure you are eating, sleeping, and staying hydrated. Seems obvious, but can be very difficult for a person who has just been thrown into this shitstorm. If you are having trouble with these things, talk to your Dr, and get a little pharmaceutical assistance.
It's really up to you at this point how this goes. You get to say if you want him or not. You also get to lay down the terms of what he needs to do if he is staying. The first of which is to establish and maintain NC (no Contact) with the OW (other woman). Nothing fancy, just it's over, I'm working things out with my wife, my family is my priority, please do not contact me again.
Next you need to let her partner/spouse know what's going on if she has one. A's (affairs) thrive in secrecy, and blowing the secret wide open helps to stop things.
Be prepared for him to break NC, many WS's (wayward spouses) do. It often takes something very drastic on the BS's (betrayed spouses) part to really wake them up. You cannot nice him back into the marriage. This does not work. Ask any of us.
I also want you to know that no matter his excuses, this has ZERO to do with you. He didn't do this because you weren't pretty enough, or smart enough, or fun enough. This is all on him, he is broken, and had crappy boundaries, and coping skills. He has to fix that. You can't fix it for him.
Deep breaths, and know that you will survive this, no matter the outcome, you will be smarter, stronger, and a better mom for it.
Kids: 14 & 16
Married for 21 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy
Posts: 6631 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 35812
| Posted: 2:56 PM, September 6th (Friday)|
(((hugs))) I understand the frustration. It takes a while to get the abbreviations down, and when you''re already hurting and your brain is spinning is not a great time to have to do that.
If he''s having a problem deciding if he wants to stay or go, and has one foot out the door, boot him the rest of the way out and make the decision for him. A marriage consists of two people, not three. If he can''t grasp that simple fact, then tell him he can go sofa-surf until he either pulls his head out of his ass or he finds his own apartment.
You do not have to put up with this shit. As a matter of fact, you should not. You are not option B, you are the prize. (((more hugs)))
Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Posts: 4126 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 36697
| Posted: 4:59 PM, September 6th (Friday)|
The list above is pretty good but it left the most important abbreviation off:
FTG: Fuck That Guy/Girl
Posts: 1323 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
Member # 12802
| Posted: 6:16 PM, September 6th (Friday)|
He's told you he's ended it? He's told you he's decided to stay with you?
Ask him to prove it. Not with just words, but with actions that back up those words.
Transparency: Total access to his phone, computer, etc...ALL passwords.
Accountability: Be where he says he'll be when he says he'll be there. Grocery store? Bring a receipt home. Stop to get gas? Receipt. Delayed at work? Take a picture of the clock at work. Answer his phone no matter what. Even if he can't talk, he can answer and just let you listen. etc....
Remorse: Show remorse by getting to the root of his issues with a qualified professional. Be available for you. Support you. Be patient with you.
Truth: He may tell you what he thinks you want to hear, but he needs to tell you the truth. No candy coating, no hem hawing, no beating around the bush. The truth will hurt, but lies will kill whatever chances he has of earning any of your trust back. How can you even think of forgiving him one day if you don't know what you're forgiving him for??
This is just a few of the things he can do toSHOW you and prove to you that he's committed to repairing the marriage.
It takes time, even if he does everything right. Trust can be broken in an instant, but takes a long time to rebuild, and can be set back to zero in the blink of an eye. The longer he proves he is trustworthy, the closer you'll get to actually trusting him (although you may never regain "blind trust" again).
You don't have to make any decisions right now. It's okay to let him know what you need, what you demand, in order to consider allowing him to try to reconcile the marriage.
*don't worry about the abbreviations. It took me a while and I'm an old fart. You'll pick it up . If you're ever confused about something, just ask. Someone will always be willing to explain it or help you out.
[This message edited by unfound at 6:17 PM, September 6th (Friday)]
Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone ...
Posts: 14749 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
Member # 40184
| Posted: 6:35 PM, September 6th (Friday)|
Rg....my WH kept saying he had ended it, every time I confronted and then a few weeks later I would find out he hadn't . Please take care of you and your children, these asshats will keep at this for only as long as we let them. For me the A stopped when I confronted the OW via text on his cell and then threw it at him and told him it was her or me. I was also very much 180 ( you can find info in the healing library) at the time. We are still not in full R. I am making him work for that. ((( hugs)))
1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Married 25 years....finally in R
Posts: 357 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 40583
| Posted: 2:44 PM, September 7th (Saturday)|
Thank you so much for all of the help and support. I'm also very thankful for my friend who stumbled across this website and suggested I give it a shot. Today he says he still doesn't know if he "wants me". Says, he doesn't want to be a part time dad but doesn't know if he can be happy for the rest of his life with me as his partner. Then he says, "What can I do to make you happy?" Sometimes the things that come out of his mouth are so outrageous I have to stifle back laughter. I told him I can't be happy when one of the only people in the world who I thought loved me unconditionally, might not want to anymore. I have loved and continue to love him unconditionally. I have soul searched and asked how I can better myself, how to better our relationship and no matter the effort I'm putting in, it doesn't seem to make any kind of difference. Part of me knows he's done... I just don't think he has the balls to pull the trigger yet and I'll be damned if I make it any easier for him. How and when is enough? Feeling hopeless.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 40347
| Posted: 2:59 PM, September 7th (Saturday)|
Your story sounds so much like mine, especially the promises to end it, and then having it continue again. Trust has been broken once, and time again. Someone above wrote until he gives you total transparency, trust wont be there, and even then it may not. I still don't trust and he says I have all the passwords, email accounts etc. He had a private phone line I knew nothing about, and also email accounts. Whose to say though that after he cancelled them both he hasn't opened up another one. My family says don't spend my time and energy trying to track him, if he really wants to keep cheating there are so many ways to do it. They said just as I found out on D-day 1 and D-day 2, I will find out again. But it is hard to live in the here and now, knowing what he has done. Trust your gut - it will not let you down. Don't trust him, he is a proven liar. All these things encompass advice friends and this site gave to me. 180 for sure, you are stronger than you think, and it he sees you as a strong capable person again, and not a broken one, you will be very attractive to him. Don't let him see you cry. Tell him you are through crying over him. I do it in private after he goes to work. I refuse to have a pity party in front of him. I hope that whatever YOU decide to do, and it is your decision to stay and work it out, or not - that you will be happy again. Hugs to you, and stay vigilant.
The grass isn't greener on the other side, it is greener where you water it.
Posts: 58 | Registered: Aug 2013
|Topic Posts: 11|| |