User Topic: Does divorce have to be nasty?
Member # 39393
Question  Posted: 12:18 PM, September 6th (Friday)

I would like a reality check. Has anyone had an experience where the divorce wasn't nasty?

I've talked to 2 people about their divorces. One who was married to an abusive alcoholic and I was super afraid of divorce, from her experience and the nonsense he out her through.

The other person is using a mediator. $750 flat fee and he and his wife have negotiated the terms of their divorce on their own with the mediator.

My husband wants the furniture? Take it. My husband wants my house, fine, put it in your name and I will go buy my own house, again. You want my car? Fine take it.

My only contention would be visitations.

When do things starting going south in a divorce? Does it start out friendly? At what point, do things start to get nasty?

Married 11/11/11
Together since 3/2005
2 kids
D-day 12/27/12
D-day 4/12/13
D-day 6/26/13
God keeps the devil on a short leash. God will never give you more than you can handle.

Posts: 111 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Athena1979
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, September 6th (Friday)

While I still have lots of anger toward my ex, we don't have a nasty divorce.

We agreed on how we would separate everything and what his visitation would be and I took it to my lawyer. She said it was easier divorce she ever did.

Now we remain on 'friendly'terms (I still hate, but I am nice for our child). We are able to work out any problems with a phone call and can keep it cordial. He pays his bills on time and is always willing to pay for the extras like sports.

So while I hate the situation, we have managed to make it quite amicable for all.

BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, September 6th (Friday)

In my opinion, it is very difficult to have a civil, give-and-take mediation, agreement and post-divorce life with someone who is personality disordered, has an overwhelming sense of entitlement or has major issues with truthfulness. If your STBX has any of these issues, look out.

Just my experience. I was put through hell by my NPD, lying, deceitful and thoroughly asshole ex. For the record, he is still doing those things--it has become one giant quest to make me miserable. So far,he has failed. Thank God.


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29662 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, September 6th (Friday)

We are having an "amicable" dissolution. $150, 30 days give or take, and poof, done. We agreed on the separation of items. I determined what I really wanted and what I was willing to let him "take," I put valuations on everything (which took the longest amount of time), split the debt evenly, and the bottom line numbers of the overall division are fair and equitable (a requirement for the court). Because of his NPD/PA tendencies, I played the game as I knew I needed to in order to get him to cooperate, otherwise it would have gone down the ugly path. Of course, the fact that I had reams of evidence about his adultery, including witnesses (we are either a fault or no fault state), and threatened to smear him and OW in court *might* have helped him see the light...

BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet

Posts: 1189 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, September 6th (Friday)

Our children were grown - 21 and 19, so no custody or CS issues, we had a lot of debt and one asset - the house.

We divided the "stuff" - sold the house, paid off the debt and went on down the road. Took 3 months from filing to finalizing. Cost $450.

It wasn't easy - it was emotionally devastating, but it wasn't nasty. Neither one of us had to go to court - it was all done through the lawyers and the judge.


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7739 | Registered: Aug 2005
Member # 27186
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, September 6th (Friday)

From what you posted, things can start to get nasty when it comes to visitation, since that's your contention. Do you know what his angle is on visitation? Are you wanting more parenting time than the state guidelines suggest?

It really depends on the players. My divorce wasn't nasty, but we didn't have much and had already split most things. The only thing we had to get through was child support, which the state calculates anyways. But he wasn't working and wanted the amount lowered. Knowing he probably wouldn't pay anything anyways, I agreed to a lesser amount because I was done and wanted to move on. We did joint legal with me as primary physical. A clause was also thrown in about liberal visitation.

I had the lawyer, but we both went to his office to sign the paperwork. My lawyer told him he couldn't advise him, but could clarify things if needed. Neither of us went to court, and somehow slipped through the cracks on that parenting class your supposed to take. Given the circumstances, wasn't too bad at all.

BS-34; WXH-32; DS8; DS3; OC3
DDay: SEPT 2008
Divorced: JUNE 2010

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Indy
Member # 8795
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, September 6th (Friday)

My experience:

Caveat: no kids. I do think it's a lot easier to get through this when that's the case.

Although I wouldn't call ours a "friendly" divorce (not by a long shot), from the perspective of getting a settlement agreed upon and signed, ours went pretty quietly, I guess. I had a lawyer; he did not. We mostly did the settlement agreement ourselves, with the lawyer putting in the language needed to cover all the bases and make sure we wouldn't have issues later.

I will say, though, that a big part of the reason we got it signed without any real contention is because he was stupid. He ended up needing money to pay back use of a work credit card for personal use. Because he had racked up a lot of debt in his name behind my back (his name only; all our "shared" debt was actually in my name), his only way to get money to pay it back was a loan against his retirement account (similar to a 401K). Because we were still married, he needed my signature for that. And I refused to sign it until we had an agreement in place, because I didn't trust him to not drain his retirement and then come after mine. So even though he had started having second thoughts about the agreement - that he had previously agreed with completely - and had been refusing to sign it, he ended up signing it so I would sign off on the loan.

And it was a fair settlement. I kept the house and almost everything we had except his car, his computer, his music, things like that. But I also kept all of our shared debt, since I knew he wouldn't pay any of it anyway, and since my name was the only one on it, I had NO way of really forcing him to help with it, even if he had been given part of the debt in the D. But through the years, I had paid for almost everything anyway... so he probably got a better deal than he should have.

I said all of that to say this: Near as I could tell, our problems came in because of the skank he was seeing. He had been very agreeable to what we put in our settlement agreement, until suddenly he started saying that he thought he should be getting more. And that's about the same time that she started showing up when he came to get things at the house, and started inserting herself in everything we had to still deal with each other on.

Bottom line - I'm pretty sure that she realized he was coming out of the D with nothing but a whole lot of debt he had racked up running around with her. She saw that I was the one who had kept us afloat, and that he was not going to have much of anything except debt once we were done. And she got pi$$ed and started pushing him to get more in the settlement.

If he hadn't been stupid and needed the loan from his retirement fund, we probably would have ended up in a nasty fight.

So I would say it is possible to have a D that isn't nasty - but the AP can be a BIG factor in it getting nasty.

Posts: 2405 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Maryland
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, September 6th (Friday)

Mine cost $1400 at a paralegal's office and a bunch of things I didn't want anyway because they reminded me of her. I suppose if she had wanted to try to take the dogs, things could have gotten nasty but she abandoned them too.

As far as divorces go, mine was pretty easy. No kids, though.

Posts: 1734 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, September 6th (Friday)

I do think mediation is a good way to go. Definitely less expensive. But when there is money involved, it's important to have someone who is prepared to litigate if necessary.

I think divorces can be civil, especially if people have arrived at the decision to divorce and they aren't angry about it any longer. I guess this is what people mean by waiting a year before you make any major decisions? Divorce is definitely NOT an impulse decision.

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, September 6th (Friday)

Ours is still amicable. Stbxww wanted everything to stay the same, except without me. She would stay in the home with the kids I would pay child support and spousal support. She would continue to work part time. She would get 60 pct of the retirement accounts and we would split savings equually

I said no stbxww said the kids needed her to fix lunches and be home when they returned from school. College, HD senior and sophomore. Stbxww said she raised the family and I built a career (I was either at work or at home )

I said no

I would pay for ALL of the kids expenses school, activities, clothes, camps, cell phone, etc. we would set aside savings to pay for their college we would split the rest of our savings and retirement. I will refinance to pay her half of our home equity

and I agreed to the state recommended child support just to keep things amicable

I will have my home, 0 sAvings, and MY INTEGRITY!!!


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 405 | Registered: Sep 2011
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, September 6th (Friday)

Like Cat said, it depends on the ex you are divorcing. I'm dealing with the most ridiculous idiot on the planet right now. He is So NPD that my 13 year old has even got it figured it out.

We have been "fighting" about the dumbest shit imaginable. Just today I finally said "ok whatever!" and agreed to shit I shouldn't have had to (according to both of our lawyers)just to make this problem go away!!

My lawyer, who has been doing divorces for a looooong time, says she has seen some major whack jobs in her career, and the Dooosh is high up on her list of the most immature and unreasonable creatures ever. He is dHis attorney is even embarrassed by the shit his client is fighting about!

I'm just over it. I truly could not give a rats ass if he drove into oblivion and was never heard from again- or if he lives to be 110. Do. Not. Care.

But I have to deal with him for the sake of the one child remaining who still has a relationship with the jerk. Albeit in a very minimal capacity thanks to the protective order against him! (And at this rate I'm not sure how long that relationship will continue!)

divorced the Dooosh
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, September 6th (Friday)

My first divorce wasn't ugly at all. We are "friendly" still - 11 years later. Current STBXWH won't be an ass either I don't think. Helps when there isn't anything to fight over. Even if there was - not worth it to me. I want peace.

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, September 6th (Friday)

Mine was going along ok until the OW got her D. Now she is thinking for him, doesn't let him out of her sight--even got a job where he works. He stopped all communication with me - I am guessing she ordered that--and now he pays for stuff for her kids and not ours. He was pretty civil at first, paying for extra curr stuff and talking calmly thru stuff until OW took the reins.

I used to be able to send him emails at work and he would answer nicely and work with me on the kids, but now I think she responds to the emails because the spelling/grammar have improved and the answer is always no!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2210 | Registered: Jan 2012
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, September 6th (Friday)

We're friendly as long as I agree to anything he wants or be quiet. It's when I have a need or can't agree, that things get messy. He wanted to run the show for the marriage, now he wants to run the show for the divorce...NPD circus.

For me, it gets ugly when he is still not honest and especially now, why bother lying anymore? but I think it's what he's used to. And it can get nasty, I've heard, when something isn't followed and the other person has a need for things to be followed. Nearly Exh, for instance, has a problem accepting boundaries-in that he won't-so if there is a rule he breaks and I have the nerve to say so, this creates friction. Usually he'll get ugly trying to defend himself and I've heard that can lead to being nasty-either side trying to defend a want or need in the outcome.

There is advice I was given that says that it can go quicker, supposedly, if a person is willing to give up things as you're listing and then go and replace later-it makes meetings shorter, phone calls and messages shorter and bills shorter...but isn't kind on hearts.

ETA @homewrecked, I've had suspicion about OW getting involved, for several reasons...sometimes the grammar on messages is rather different than usual and the attitude extremely different. It never occurred to me that OW could be sending things, but she got into his electronics already and nothing would surprise me.

Some of the messages are cryptic and robotic sounding, even for him.

ETA @Purple Rose, some of my little bits of fun have been when Nearly Exh's lawyer shushes or elbows him, often for whining and for some of the things he's tried to get.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 6:02 PM, September 6th (Friday)]

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, September 6th (Friday)

I am like Ashland13. Everything goes so nice when he gets his way. He got his selfish way throughout our entire marriage. I think he flipped his lid when he found out it was only because I was a good wife. I'm an even better STBXW. I have backbone, and I don't compromise. He still hasn't figure out what hit him.
Duh, I'm not his wife anymore, I owe him nothing, not even sympathy.
So, he aruges with the dial tone. NC and 180...though he tricked me and hooked me the other night. Will NOT happen again.
Good luck. Hope yours is better.

GEN Schwarzkopf
Hope for the best prepare for the worst. Desert Storm
Though, I'm sure he borrowed it from somebody else!

I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2334 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, September 6th (Friday)

Well, considering my ex walked out on me and has never attempted a conversation since, ours wasn't amicable from the start. However, I do know people who have had very amicable divorces but there was no infidelity though so idk?

“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, September 6th (Friday)

It truly depends on the spouse you are divorcing and his grip on reality. Mine? He was on a seesaw of guilt and anger.

When we first split I said: give me the house and 500 a month for 5 years - he said no.

Then he offered me the house and all of his retirement - I said okay - he changed his mind and said no.

Then he filed demanding we sell the house, split it 50/50 and I get nothing else.

Then he offered me the house, and his full retirement, I said okay. His lawyer said no.

Then... you get the idea - CRAZY!

In the end he offered a settlement wherein I got the house, his small ira, my small ira and 1/2 his retirement. I said yes. He said okay and the judge signed it. (It was settle that day or go to court.)

Then he yelled that I took everything, that I had planned the whole thing...

I spent 12,000 in lawyer fees. He likely spent more.

In your case I would not give away anything financially, based on the premise that you will get what you want custody wise... that is a precarious assumption.

All that being said my brother and his X divorced amicably... it all depends on who you are dealing with!

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4129 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Member # 35640
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, September 6th (Friday)

In my case, the saying that divorce brings out the worst in people was true (myself included). We agreed on all possessions, assets, debts but it got ugly when it came to visitation. We went through mediation, avoided going before the judge & it still dragged on for months & cost me over $10k.
I think if we didn't have kids, it would have been much easier & we would have been more civil.

As it stands now, we pretty much never speak & have limited communication via text or email b/c things always seem to escalate when we do. For a couple that barely fought during the 13 years we were together, its sad to see how much was destroyed by the A & D.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 39
Married 10 yrs, together 13
DS-8, DD-5, DS-2
D-Day 5/9/12, 2 days before #3 was born
Filed for D 8/12; D final 4/13

"I used to be married but I'm better now"

Posts: 188 | Registered: May 2012
Member # 40330
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, September 6th (Friday)

It all depends on the two people involved.

Some people are greedy by nature.

The first time we filed for divorce, WH agreed to my terms because of his guilt and knowing he was wrong.

We haven't filed for D yet, but I have a feeling this time, things will not be so nice.

DD 1: PA 12/4/09 He spent 2.5 years with OW1
R: 8/31/2012
DD 2: EA 8/16/13
BS: 26
WH: 25
1 young daughter.
Terribly disgusted. He refuses to give up his "friend". Headed towards D.

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: kentucky
Member # 39393
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

Thank you to all of your replies.

I will hire an attorney. I found one with some good reviews. And she was already very prompt with getting back to me with my questions.

I will hope for the best. My WS is very selfish in his needs. When he talks about seeing kids it's because his needs to be "healthy", and not about the kids needs to be healthy.

I am going o be thankful that I have a man who wants to be in their life regardless of his perspective.

Thank you for seeing the kids as much as possible, as long as, you are giving me my space and time alone with the kids, I don't care what you do. Have all of the prostitutes you want and make all the pornos you want, just don't do it around the kids.

That's my contention. Good luck to all of you in the process of a nasty divorce with NPD, selfish jerks or witches. And thank you for the inspiration from the very few who went through it amicably.

Married 11/11/11
Together since 3/2005
2 kids
D-day 12/27/12
D-day 4/12/13
D-day 6/26/13
God keeps the devil on a short leash. God will never give you more than you can handle.

Posts: 111 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Athena1979
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

Like others said, it starts getting nastier once OW gets involved.

Although, it didn't exactly start out sunshine & roses due to the reason we were getting D'd. Strike one.

OW really ramped up her campaign to get XH D'd once she knew I knew about her. XH started getting crueler and crueler, I withdrew more & more. OW kept escalating (having him cancel my insurance days after surgery, keeping my dog at her house when I went to my house, etc).

The less I reacted to XH & this garbage, the nastier he got. Threatened me with a restraining order, claimed I was stalking him, "breaking in" to my house, claimed I had people threatening him, etc. I'm guessing that was at least partially OW's doing.

As all this happened, XH was demanding I still be his best friend.

My best guess is that if an A is involved, it's not going to be all that amicable.

Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 764 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

Mine was straight forward. I wouldn't go so far as to say "friendly" but definitely not nasty. XH is conflict avoidant and I think still felt guilty. He signed whatever I told him to, which was a very straight forward division of property. No kids, and I didn't ask for alimony (although I likely could have gotten it short term), we kept our respective money, etc.

It is possible but only if both people agree on all the details, essentially. If there's anything you really disagree or butt heads on, that's where it gets messy, fighting over stuff. I don't think I would have gone the pro se route if I'd had kids to worry about, because I would have done all in my power to make him pay through the nose for them.

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13798 | Registered: Jul 2011
booger bear
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

My D was not nasty at all. We have no kids, there was no money other than his 401K, and all the assets/property ect we split ourselves.

I still retained a lawyer, so did he after ... SURPRISE, you have been served. We did the whole thing via phone, e-mail & fax. Never once did I talk to him about the D(mediation actually), all through the lawyer's.

I moved away to OK and he stayed in CO ... that is how I avoided all forms of contact with him about the D. I broke NC countless other times for a variety reasons.

The only thing that was "compromised" on was spousal support, I only wanted support while I went to school for the year. He declined said he couldn't afford it, so instead they offered me a 70/30 split on his 401K at the value it was in June 2010, about $10,000 before taxes will be mine when he retires.

Funny enough never once in all the days since 9-3-09 did we once fight about the D. Not once. Everything we split we did so amicably, no one cleaned out the bank accounts, we each took our own bills, he gave me the car that was paid off, he took the one with the payment ...

Huh. Seems strange to think about now, you would think we would have fought over the D. Oh sure he was pissed when he got my little surprise you have been served, he had to scramble for money, but it never went further than that.

I wonder what that says ... about my subconscious, what it was thinking/feeling ... What it knew that I did not, till just now ... jeez what an odd feeling with no name.

Sorry I t/j and rambled there ... lost in my thoughts ...

(((hugs))) get a lawyer and do not talk about the D with him at all. All through the lawyers. Even if you mediate get a lawyer.

I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18811 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK - Hot as hell here !!!!!!
Member # 39393
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

Wow! That's awesome Bear! Thank you for the reply!

Married 11/11/11
Together since 3/2005
2 kids
D-day 12/27/12
D-day 4/12/13
D-day 6/26/13
God keeps the devil on a short leash. God will never give you more than you can handle.

Posts: 111 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Athena1979
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

I dread the thought of going thru divorce but I know I have to file soon for my self respect..

I am living off of my pension as my only income..We have our house paid off in both of our names..

WH has been unemployed with no savings or pension to his name..

Sooo...I see WH as being a greedy person in event of D...I think that is part of why he refuses to go back to work, probably somebody has advised him not to..

WH will play the" I'm too crippled to do ANY outside work "card because he has a stiff ankle and a bad knee..

Our D will most likely be nasty because WH probably will be putting in a claim in for a portion of my pension income..

This income is my only livelihood until I get back on my feet health wise..

I will definitely put up a fight if WH is that greedy..

My pension income barely makes ends meet from month to month and we don't have an excessive amount of bills..

By the time we go thru the D process to its finality, I have the feeling a judge will be dividing my retirement and other assets with the least amount of assets being awarded to the person he feels is most fit to go back to work :-(

[This message edited by doggiediva at 8:35 AM, September 8th (Sunday)]

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
booger bear
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

You know how they say most things in life are either a 2 way street or a one way street ???

I think a D has this potential. It can be a 2 way nasty street or a one way. It is your choice. Let me tell you there are some doozies on this site, that deserve medals of honor for the way they held in the D, after all the shit the X's put them through. Likewise, there are those on this site who have done more mud slinging to the X than was cast in the World War's.

Sometimes the best of intentions get squashed in a moment of weakness, tiredness, tension/stress, ect ect ect and we fall off the high road a little bit or a full blown avalanche. How we get up and get back on the road says a lot. We are only human dealing with an incredibly emotional time in our lives, we are aloud to be human.

I'm not seeking any praise here for the way my D went. I really just had no desire to fight with him at all, it never crossed my mind. Sadly it was as easy as it was for us when we got M'ed. It went off without a hitch at all(both the M & D). No emotion, no nothing(Just the D). So yeah while it was not nasty/fighting it left me feeling completely unwanted/unloved and like the whole dating/M was a sham.

Ok I'm so rambling and t/j'ing again sorry. But yes a D can be not nasty, it is your decision how you wanna play ball ... more (((hugs)))

BTW I'm OK. Legally D'ed now for over 3yrs, writing all this out has triggered how I felt back then, I never knew or realized, till now. Enlightening ......

[This message edited by booger bear at 12:59 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]

I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18811 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK - Hot as hell here !!!!!!
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

At what point, do things start to get nasty?
When money and greed become more important than the basics in life by either or both of the involved parties (some of the greed is encouraged by lawyers IMO).

The first lawyer I approached would not even listen to me when I explained he was the father of our three young children, so I wanted it to be amicable. He insisted I go for alimony and everything I could get. He also wanted a high retainer fee, which was supposed to be passed on to my X, of course.

The one I finally hired agreed to my terms. My XH did not get his own lawyer as we worked out the terms between us before approaching the lawyer. Even then this lawyer's secretary wrote out a nasty complaint about my XH with words I never said, that would definitely make him angry and defensive if he received that without me giving him the heads up those were NOT my words and that is not what I asked them to write in the complaint. I did not use adultry as my "grounds" even though I initially planned to. The lawyer did tell me that I would have to "prove" it and that could make things uglier than I wanted so it would be better to just claim "inhumane treatment" or something like that.

I should mention that my XH married the final OW and is still married to her, and I know that she hauled her XH into court at every turn, but never could appreciate the fact I never did that to my XH.

The whole thing was amicable and cost under $500 including court costs (early 90's though). I have never once taken my XH to court. We made it all those years and our kids are grown and doing fine.

I know the courts would have required him to pay more child support and if I had wanted alimony, he would have had to pay it as I was a SAHM most of the years of our M. I did get a form of alimony in that he had to pay our house mortgage until either I got remarried, moved voluntarily, or when the youngest turned 18.

His CS was comparitively low but his visitation was extremely liberal. Though I had legal custody, he had them almost every weekend and saw them many holidays and other times. I believe he was more generous with the kids during the times he had them, because of this.

The kids are all grown and gone now, but they all thanked me during their school years, for making such an effort to get along with him. To me, it seems well worth driving an older car, working two jobs, and shopping at the Salvation Army (instead of going after him for more money). Our kids are better off because we were not fighting, and learning to do with a little less didn't hurt them either.

They watched what their friends went through and they knew it was extremely rare for divorced parents to get along as well as we did.

There were only a couple of times I got into it with my XH. One of those times, I remember his "lover woman" as I used to refer to her, must have informed him that she wanted "our" stereo and thought he should have it.

I saw through that SO FAST! He never played that stereo when were together. It was one of those stacked systems from the 80's with huge speakers. I loved it and used it ALL THE TIME and he never turned it on, never touched it. So I knew it was "Lover Woman" who wanted it and I instantly stood my ground and said he was not getting it. He didn't put up any further fight.

Posts: 5760 | Registered: Apr 2006
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

I have to add this here.

I have a friend whom confided to me a couple of years before she got divorced, that she was planning to D him. Knowing what I know, I certainly never could blame her but wondered about her plan for waiting until the youngest graduated from high school (they already had separate beds and she told me she didn't even care if he was getting it elsewhere, but she still planned to wait until the youngest was done with school). She had told me she would leave with the clothes on her back and nothing else. It was a situation where his family had given them "their home" years before. She was under the mistaken assumption that she had no rights to that home if she left, and was apparently okay with that knowledge at the time. She just wanted out and away from him, so she could try to start a new life for herself.

Well, the day came and they split, and of course she got a lawyer and the lawyer quickly educated her that she had legal rights to half of all their property. Well, she tookd advantage of those "legal rights" and even though their four children are all adults now, none of them speak to her and recently one got married. She was not invited and her kids have NOTHING to do with her! Now I am not saying the kids are innocent or right in treating their mother this way, and obviously, the bitter (and financially destroyed) father has something to do with their attitude. But at what cost to her? I would still give away every cent I have ever had in this world, and every entitlement, before I would put myself in a situation where my children were not speaking to me.

Posts: 5760 | Registered: Apr 2006
Member # 39451
Cool  Posted: 5:14 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

Well, it is difficult to be civil when our spouse cheated on us, but i still think our separation and divorce is amicable.

I did talked to three different lawyers each one of them charged me about $500 per hour, so only these costed me $1500. It is very expensive in my city to get a nasty divorce, it can go up tp hundreds of thousands of dollars. WH had a nasty divorce before plus he is so eager to bring OW to Canada. So he totally agree that none of us will hire a lawyer to start a fight, so we split everything in half, it is difficult when we have a business, but it is so important to keep it civil as we will still need to deal with each other down the road about the kids, but I was that close to started a fight, thanks one of my best friend who has a nasty divorce before, she strong suggested me not to fight!
I remember one lawyer told me, treat it as a business, not a divorce, so you have to put your emotion/ blame aside. Do your home work and know EXactly what you want, what you can settle with, don''''t let lawyer mess up your thinking and take advantage of your situation.

So if you can try to stay as calm as you can! I know it is easy said than done. As you will benefit from it!

[This message edited by Blackhair at 5:52 PM, September 8th, 2013 (Sunday)]

M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 177 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 29