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User Topic: Who do you lean on in times of pain? Poll...
Exit Wounds
Member # 32811
Question  Posted: 4:12 PM, September 6th (Friday)

Hi SI family

My life has been a bit shitty lately. My father passed away not too long ago. My life has been "challenging" at best. I was curious as to who you guys lean on in times of trouble?

I already know we ALL rely on SI, so that is not part of the options.

So, let's hear it

Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, September 6th (Friday)

First and foremost, my mom.

Second my counselor.


[This message edited by click4it at 4:17 PM, September 6th (Friday)]

Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?

Posts: 25628 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, September 6th (Friday)

My H.

He is always in my corner and when life gets tough we talk things through until they make sense. And when no sense can be made of things, we lean on each other and it becomes bearable.

Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."

Posts: 38084 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 40505
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, September 6th (Friday)

Can I vote for different people for different types of pain?

Physical pain - mum
Emotional pain - friends or partner

Posts: 63 | Registered: Aug 2013
Exit Wounds
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, September 6th (Friday)

Of course!

Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, September 6th (Friday)

I like to spread it out so as not to deplete any of my support sources. Sisters, friends, my employer family, my SO, my grandmother, my hairdresser, yoga instructor, support group, counselor, cats, and I don't care I'm saying it, SI

“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, September 6th (Friday)

I have no one. I've never had anyone. I don't know how to lean on a person. It's been strange having an IC and opening up to her & hearing her words of support. It's been strange opening up to the people at church and hearing their words of support. I have an extremely difficult time accepting people's help. All my life accepting sympathy has equaled people telling me what to do and being pissed at me when I didn't do what I was told. I have done a very poor job picking the right people to be in my life. Hopefully I'm healthier now and the people I'm beginning to form relationships with are healthy & good for me.

The only constant support I've had in my life has been my faith. NOT church (until now). My faith. That's it.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, September 6th (Friday)

My Mom mostly. I also know that I can talk to my best friend about anything and everything and that he won't let me bullshit him.

Posts: 1736 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, September 6th (Friday)

For many, many years, I was just like NG. I had no one to lean on- no close friends that I confided in, no close relationship with mother or father, and felt that my siblings were too busy with their own lives and didnt want to burden them.

When I met current H, he became that person that I grew to lean on. What's odd is that it took a lot of time and coaxing on his part before I felt that I could lean on him. It simply wasn't in my nature to do so.
However, H is now that person along with my baby sister. She is 10 years my junior (and in many ways more like a daughter to me than a sister), but she's got such a level head that we find ourselves calling one another when we need an ear.

Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.

Posts: 6540 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, September 6th (Friday)

I lean on my friends from middle school when I am way off. A little off my college friends. Everyday things new friends. I guess I need a lot of support

In all seriousness I think it depends on my mood. Sometimes a perfect stranger like a store clerk decides to share something or you do and for that brief moment a connection is made. Sometimes when life gets too much I do something out of the box and listen to other people or simply take a break.

For example I recently went out to a dinner with someone I never before considered going to dinner with and enjoyed myself. It was nice to help

I also think my favorite coffee at Starbucks seems to help or my favorite song. My friend from college use to tell me it is like developing a tool belt always having the skills and tools to handle life's surprises.

Be good to yourself is by far the greatest tool in my opinion.

Posts: 1009 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, September 6th (Friday)

I lean on my mom mostly. Sometimes my kids depending on the issues and I have a couple of wonderful SI friends that I can trust and lean on. My husband is never there for me

Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, September 6th (Friday)

Physical pain: My H.

Emotional pain: Myself.

Father deceased (he was my go-to guy, died when I was 21). My mother is and always has been absent. My brother is younger and not nearly as strong as me emotionally (and neither is my H).

[This message edited by Want2help at 7:38 PM, September 6th (Friday)]

BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014


Posts: 2312 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, September 6th (Friday)

My sister. She is my rock.

Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6568 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, September 6th (Friday)

Ummm. Weird. I didn't realize this about myself until I tried to answer this. I whine and worry with the S.I. staff, and I'll talk to my husband for sure. But if something really hurts? I think I turtle until it doesn't hurt to talk about it and I try to sort it out myself the best I can, and then talk to my mom or my sister.

“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44984 | Registered: Sep 2006
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, September 7th (Saturday)


Used to be my sister, but she went loony bird and left her BH for our cousin.

I can go to my dad, but it's usually about the M and he's very pro-MrH so it's not my first instinct.

Basically I pray and save it up and bring it to my IC. It sucks but I don't feel like anyone else is safe. They all encourage me to stay M and that keeps damaging me. I don't know what I'll do if other issues come into my life.

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11229 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

I was curious as to who you guys lean on in times of trouble?

Passed away in 1993, and I would not saddle her with my troubles anyway; she had more than enough of her own.


Um, no. I couldn't even talk to my father about the weather, let alone anything personal. (He's been gone for 5 years now, too).


Sometimes I confided things in a friend, not sure if it was BFF but would be someone who I thought might understand based on the situation at hand. Sometimes it would be my sister.

In many cases, but I needed someone else in addition to him if he was the main source of the pain. I always say the only reason I went to IC was because I needed a "friend" that I felt comfortable confiding in. I didn't go for advice; in fact I would not return if they tried to suggest to me how I should live my life in any way, or try to project to me how I feel about things. I know how I feel about things and will make my own decisions in life even if sometimes they turn out to be wrong.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 6:43 AM, September 7th (Saturday)]

Posts: 5760 | Registered: Apr 2006
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

My mom. I feel bad because she has her own issues but she always calls just when I'm hurting, not sure how she knows when to call me. I cry she calls or texts asking me what's wrong. She is my rock.

My brother. He is level headed and oh so calm. He gives me advise and is we get along like best friends. He can always make me laugh, on the worst day I've ever had he drove to me and hugged me until I stopped crying..then he made it his mission to make me smile.

My 2 BFFs. One is outspoken and out there. The other one is calm and collected. I love them both dearly. They have stood by me during my worst and love me as I love them.

My dad. I love him and can talk to him but not about everything. He has very strong views on certain things and telling him all I would tell my mom or brother is just not a good idea.

FSO was my rock. I still talk to him when something bothers me...

[This message edited by Unagie at 7:35 AM, September 7th (Saturday)]

Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."

Posts: 2762 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

In any time of crisis, my very first instinct is to pick up the phone and call my dad. Always.

But in terms of who I lean on in times of trouble, not in a moment of panic, the list goes:

Best Friend

Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.

Posts: 1679 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
Member # 24824
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

It's so alien to read about people leaning on others, but it also piques my curiosity. For me, it's always been and probably always will be myself that I turn to in any type of pain.

What are you going to do when he leaves you?

Posts: 564 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Europe
Member # 36869
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

First - G-d. (We don't spell out the name)

Second - my Mom. Now, my Mom died in January, but I still "talk" to her, because I feel like she's my guardian angel now.

Third - my sister, but she has enough problems of her own, plus she's 3000 miles away.

Funny enough, I never "talk" to my late H. He never supported me emotionally in real life; why ask now?

Be careful what you wish for the most - you may get it.

Posts: 396 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: VA
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

Situational friends. I've actually been thinking about this a lot recently, because my family is not emotionally supportive or close, and I've never been good at keeping up long term friendships, so no BFF of many years or even who I would guess would consider me a BFF in return in the present.

I have specific people in different parts of my life who I go to, a coworker for the job I just ended, a classmate for school, a few girlfriends for relationship stuff, a cousin for family drama, a good friend who is in the career I am starting for work stuff that's just starting... There is minimal overlap.

Some days it worries me that I compartmentalize as much as I do, and that I don't have anyone who I'm closer to. I had really hoped to find that connection in my XH but didn't, like, a thousand fold the opposite, which I've really struggled with too, wondering how I got into a marriage that didn't fulfill me emotionally, presumably without realizing it despite how much I desired it.

Emotional intimacy is hard to come by.

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

I tend to turtle - retreat into my protective shell, especially if the time of pain is affecting my family.

When it's "safe" for me to come out, I lean on my sister, a small circle of dear IRL friends, and the SI staff.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25774 | Registered: Aug 2011
Sad in AZ
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

It's my nature to not show pain. To get metaphysical, it has something to do with my Scorpio rising. Personally, I think it's a wild animal instinct--if you show pain, you get eaten.

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20292 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

Me, myself, and I.

Betrayed in the past by family, supposed BFF, and others so I no longer trust anyone (my mother passed five years ago and I partially leaned on her until then). I have developed, out of necessity, my own coping skills and internal strengths. It may not be the best solution, but it works for me, and I haven't let myself down yet...

BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet

Posts: 1201 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Member # 39669
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, September 7th (Saturday)


She's only 1 but a kiss and a hug from her makes it all a bit better. I cry harder, but the pain lessens.

Wants nothing to do with our daughter
No Contact

Posts: 75 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Newwhere
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

SO... in the past, and again quite recently. He has become my rock again. He will hold me til I feel safe again. We have been to hell and back so many times together, sometimes that's all I need to help me find my way.
Sometimes my mom, depending on what it is.
My brother is far away, but we are really close, and have very few secrets. We have been through so much together, I feel like sometimes there are things only he can understand.

Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 18 yrs. Many ddays, last one late 8/12 "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos

Posts: 513 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

I trust in God and myself.

I tried the leaning on family (too judgemental), XH (too uncaring) and friends (too loose-lipped).

In the end, it's between The Big Guy and me.

So far, we've done just fine.

Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.

Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

Noone anymore. My parents are dead. My siblings have more issues then I do. The one friend, I thought I had, when all this happened was very supportive and then withdrew her friendship which left me alone. My husband doesn't deal well with emotional shit which is one of the reasons our marriage hit the skids, although he is trying but he will never be able to in ways that I wish he could.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, September 9th (Monday)

The outdoors/nature/trees - when I'm really in pain and not ready to talk about it yet

Sister and SO when I'm ready to talk. My sister more than my SO just cuz she's an amazing counselor personality type. SO is sweet but not much to say.

BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5862 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, September 9th (Monday)

My faith. I tend to turtle. Once The initial shock and pain wear off -it depends on the situation. BFF and GFs .

I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5282 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, September 9th (Monday)

Mainly myself. My H sometimes, depending on the situation, but he really isn't that supportive, and he has a F it attitude towards many things. It's how he stays happy. I wish I could say my parents or my sister, but I have been burned, and honestly don't feel that close to any of them these days. So yah, me.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8718 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, September 9th (Monday)

In the past it was my friends and family.

Family now gone.

Most of my friends are gone so im not too keen on sharing.

If I cant say SI then its nobody.

People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not ....will be divorcing the selfish creep.

Posts: 8394 | Registered: Sep 2007
Exit Wounds
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, September 9th (Monday)

Thank you all for your input. I must say I thought I was a bit "child like" b/c I always longed for having a mother that would be there for me...yes, even at the age of 43.

It makes me feel better, reading that so many of you do depend on your moms. My mother is not that kind of "mom" so I missed out but I see that I am not the only one...

Hugs to all


[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 9:47 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, September 9th (Monday)

No one-mom's gone, dad's overseas, spouse, well you know.

time wounds all heels

Posts: 5397 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Exit Wounds
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, September 9th (Monday)


Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, September 9th (Monday)

I have learned to lean on myself. Its not because I don't have a support system, I do. But when it comes down to the nitty gritty I think I have come far enough to have trust in myself again. And I like to be in control with my own destiny. Sure I'll speak to friends and family. But in the end no one really knows what going on inside of you but yourself. And I'm smart enough now to catch the signs of depression and anxiety. If I feel them coming on I get my ass back to IC for a tune up. I also like talking to my dog. He is a great listener and has never given me bad advice. LOL !!!!

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5732 | Registered: Nov 2007
Member # 1298
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, September 9th (Monday)

Deleted due to duplicate post!!!

See below

[This message edited by Rollercoaster at 12:47 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]

Me BS 55, WS 55

Posts: 4059 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: California
Member # 1298
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, September 9th (Monday)

First God, however

I tend to turtle - retreat into my protective shell, especially if the time of pain is affecting my family.

This is me exactly!

When it's "safe" for me to come out, I lean on my small circle of friends, and then my sister.

[This message edited by Rollercoaster at 4:26 PM, September 9th (Monday)]

Me BS 55, WS 55

Posts: 4059 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: California
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

-if you show pain, you get eaten.
Yeah, that was me for years. I used to keep it all inside and figure things out in my head and sometimes just go into the bathroom and cry by myself.

Growing up and for my earlier years there was no one. Family is somewhat judgmental and spouses were emotionally bankrupt.

Now, I do talk to my mom about some things but she is older and can't handle much anymore so I don't lean on her as much as I used to and I can't tell her everything. Sister I go to when the psychoX is acting up, for legal advice and support.

BFF is the one I go to most now, especially with romantic problems and pain. She knows me inside and out and she knows what I can handle and when I need to call it quits.

Past few months I had learned to lean on my new SO, but things are a bit rocky there right now and our circumstances are the cause of most of my pain. I still try to talk it thru with him but I also need outside advice and support so I have 2 trusted friends I can tell just about anything to and I will post on here every once in a while.

Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15291 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 39