Wayward Side
User Topic: What Can You Say to a BS When Nothing Goes Right for Them
Member # 37538
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, September 6th (Friday)

Hello, all. I am just throwing this out there to see what any of you may have said to your BS (or heard/wished you heard from your WS) when it feels like the world just keeps kicking them in the teeth. Triggers on top of coincidences on top of more triggers with a side of unpleasant outcomes... I feel for her deeply. She has had to put up with so much. I'm doing my best to keep her afloat, but I'm just not sure there are words to convince her to continue on. I thank you in advance for any advice you may have.

I know we're worth it.
WH (Me-33)
BW (tattoodchinadoll-31)
D-Day: 12/22/11
Together 15 years, married for 10.
Three daughters, 8, 4 and 2.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: New Jersey
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, September 6th (Friday)

Tell her that you have come to realize that there is no justice/fairness in the world. And that it makes you mad too.

And then cry with her over how unfair this all is.

Let her see your pain ttmu.

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Member # 39584
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, September 6th (Friday)

Tell her what you have said here - that you know she has had to put up with so much, that you are sorry to have done this to her. Just be there for her, letting her talk whenever she needs to. I wish that WH showed me with his actions that he was sorry, by initiating transparency, discussing the A, recognizing triggers for me before I became upset about them.

WH - 35
2.5 year LTA

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, September 6th (Friday)

For me the BS...the best things were not said....he would just hold me and cuddle me and stroke my hair until I stopped crying. He would quietly whisper he would make this all right again.


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!

Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, September 6th (Friday)

It depends on what your Bs needs, does she need words, or does she need you to buy her a special "I am thinking of you" gift, or does she need you to be thoughtful in a service area, such as seeing a need and filling it (doing laundry, dishes, cook dinner, finish a project she is having problems with, etc.) or does she need you to just hug her, or rub her back.

Whatever it is which speaks to her is the clearest way to convey what you "feel" to her.

For me, to have my struggle acknowledged and validated would be huge, to just be acknowledged and empathized with (not shown how to fix things, or what I could do to make my life better, or excuses made for the triggers or other teeth kicking incidents, not having him be "angry" for me, or even agreeing that life is unjust and not fair, but to be acknowledged), but your BS may need something different.


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3462 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, September 6th (Friday)

Life in general is difficult. So when you throw into the mix all this crud, it becomes almost unbearable. And like your wife, it seems like when things are at their worst, I get side swiped with more pain. Heck, even when it's a good day, something finds its way in, and attempts to ruin it.

As a BGF, I can tell you there is no easy solution. It's almost easier to tell you what not to do. But if you're a caring loving husband who's been reading up here, I'm sure you already know those things.

I think what was mentioned earlier about holding her and just being there for her, is perfect. I also think it helps when some of the stresses are removed. Sometimes being a mom, while in so much pain, can be impossible. Maybe telling her to go relax while you get the kids dinner, baths, and put to bed. It's not about her needing to relax. It's more about needing the time alone to think, and work through what's in our head. For us to recover, it's going to be harder than any job we've ever done. And while on the outside it may look like we're lazy, just sleeping, or not wanting to lift a finger to work....the reality is ALL our energy is going into working through this. I'd do whatever I could to make her able to accomplish this without feeling like her other responsibilities are suffering as a result.

I've been down this road two other times, in failed relationships, and I always wished they would help with this part (without me telling them). It's good that you see she's in pain. Be there for her, and keep trying ....

Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.

Posts: 459 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 37538
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, September 6th (Friday)

Maybe telling her to go relax while you get the kids dinner, baths, and put to bed

This much I did do... Well, sort of anyway.

I think the biggest struggle for me is thinking of different ways to say I'm sorry and I understand! So much has been going wrong that I'm running out of words. I don't want it to seem like I'm giving canned responses, y'know? I like to think I have a pretty wide vocabulary, but the biggest thesaurus still has a finite number of entries.

I just want her to know I care. I understand that I can't stop the world from turning, I can't protect her from every trigger, that shit happens to everyone.

I know we're worth it.
WH (Me-33)
BW (tattoodchinadoll-31)
D-Day: 12/22/11
Together 15 years, married for 10.
Three daughters, 8, 4 and 2.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: New Jersey
Member # 40112
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, September 6th (Friday)

All you can do is show her, over and over and over again, that no matter what, no matter how angry she gets, no matter how sad, you will stay the course and never stray again. You will stand by her side without fail for as long as she wants you to be there.

Posts: 54 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 8