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Reconciliation
User Topic: Not much talk about R or the A
heathenchristian
Member
Member # 40060
Frustrated  Posted: 9:39 PM, September 6th (Friday)

there has been almost no talk of the A or an R since our 1st and last MC session.

he is scheduled for IC next wk.. I haven't made my appt yet.


If you don't want me at my worst, maybe I won't need you at my best.
DDAY 1 - not sure but it was July, Aug or Sept 2010 (supposed bj from hooker)
DDAY 2 - 7-22-2013 she was the made up hooker

Posts: 99 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: IL
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

Why?


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
heathenchristian
Member
Member # 40060
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

Don't really know.

I know he doesn't like when I bring it up.

I just have really been focusing on me.


If you don't want me at my worst, maybe I won't need you at my best.
DDAY 1 - not sure but it was July, Aug or Sept 2010 (supposed bj from hooker)
DDAY 2 - 7-22-2013 she was the made up hooker

Posts: 99 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: IL
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

Rugsweeping is not healthy.

I know he doesn't like when I bring it up.
Tough.

I just have really been focusing on me.
Good! But please don't ignore your needs in order to avoid a confrontation with him. That won't work in the long run.



Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36686 | Registered: Sep 2007
heathenchristian
Member
Member # 40060
Frustrated  Posted: 8:14 PM, September 9th (Monday)

I know, somehow the A has been replaced by his issues with my weight.

I just don't know how to bring it back to the front lines.

I did tell him last night that he needs to get a handle on his issue with my weight. I also told him it makes him ugly and I don't want to spend time with him.

He starts his IC Wednesday.


If you don't want me at my worst, maybe I won't need you at my best.
DDAY 1 - not sure but it was July, Aug or Sept 2010 (supposed bj from hooker)
DDAY 2 - 7-22-2013 she was the made up hooker

Posts: 99 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: IL
RidingHealingRd
Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, September 9th (Monday)

I know he doesn't like when I bring it up.

They never do but do not let this stop you. Talk, talk, talk....

Could it be possible that his talk about your weight is a way to try to deflect the attention away from the A?

Just bring the conversation back to his A where it belongs.

You need to address the A if you are ever going to process it. Let him know that you can't move on from it if you never process what happened.



ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2094 | Registered: Nov 2011
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, September 9th (Monday)

You are still early on...DD just this past July, right?

3 months past my DD my wife was still finding faults with me, still mourning the loss of her relationship with the AP, lots of trickle truths. She certainly did not spearhead R or discussions about her A.

I think that is normal.....painful for BS for sure...but normal.

I would suggest MC be entered into with low expectations at first. I jumped in with both feet, falsely thinking my wife and I were still somehow in this together....only later to find out I was a solo rider. I wasted time, energy and money on us....should have worked IC for a few months before intensive MC.


TIME is a big factor here.

I have followed your posts...but have not really seen you post much about anger and rage....have you experienced that yet?

His comments revolving around your weight are similar to my wifes listing of what is not PERFECT about me. It is a cop out and is a vain attempt at WS trying to grasp a quick, easy answer as to why they committed the heinous act of adultery.

If your husband is NOT a psychopath or a narcissist, this phase will pass.

It is hard, though, to keep those comments in the context of their fog and the intoxication that is their affair....believe me, I have read things that were really not nice about me...but I was not surprised by any of them, and most of them are things I am interested in changing for ME anyway...and CAN be changed.

Peace be with you.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
heathenchristian
Member
Member # 40060
Wink  Posted: 9:05 PM, September 9th (Monday)

I would suggest MC be entered into

We went to 1 session and he decided IC was better right now, he starts Wednesday.

I have followed your posts...but have not really seen you post much about anger and rage....have you experienced that yet?

I experienced anger and rage that 1st night and a couple weeks on/off. It now comes and goes. I don't want to put much energy/time into it. Cause then I/we say things that we may not truly mean.


WS trying to grasp a quick, easy answer as to why they committed the heinous act of adultery

Not defending him here, but this is an underlying issue we have had forever along with not being able to communicate what we want from each other.


things I am interested in changing for ME anyway...and CAN be changed

I started working on me before the A was revealed cause I was tired of who I had become and needed to change to save ME.

Thanks for your replies and helpful words of wisdom.


If you don't want me at my worst, maybe I won't need you at my best.
DDAY 1 - not sure but it was July, Aug or Sept 2010 (supposed bj from hooker)
DDAY 2 - 7-22-2013 she was the made up hooker

Posts: 99 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: IL
Topic Posts: 8