Just Found Out
User Topic: Finally feeling ready to post my story... (sorry v. long)
New Member
Member # 38786
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

I've been lurking on here for some time, and even though I didn't "just" find out, it's my first time talking about myself so I thought I'd post here. I'm glad I found this site and I hope to get good info and support from the members as I have seen you give to others.

I'm going to try to get through it, even though it hurts so much. I may come off as jumbled or leave stuff out and I'm sorry if my story is confusing.

Okay, here goes. I met my STBXWH 10 years ago. We both worked at the same place and started dating a few months after meeting... the attraction was that strong. I fell quickly for this man I saw as the epitome of everything I ever wanted and he was so good and loving, I never felt so happy.

Two years later, we got married and I was beyond happy. About six months after we got married, he decided he wanted to quit his job and go to law school, which I supported since I knew he didn't like our work (hotel industry.) I supported him while he went to school and we put off having kids for a few years. It was tough and I had to pull extra shifts, but I thought it was an investment in our future and I was happy to do it. He was often moody and distant during this time, but I chalked that up to extreme stress of school. Little did I know.

He passed the Bar and got a good job shortly afterward. Everything was great and we started talking about having kids, but decided to travel and enjoy our single lives for awhile.

Last year we decided to start trying and were delighted to get pregnant rather quickly. A few months into my pregnancy, the moodiness returned and I didn't know what to think. He just told me he was feeling some ambivalence about being a father. That was news to me! He had been as enthusiastic about it as I had. He assured me he'd come around once the baby was born. Meanwhile, he started working late and going out with his friends more. He said he had to get it out of his system, and I was the idiot who believed him.

Our beautiful DD was born in January and I was so thrilled. Even started acting like his old loving self and I thought things were going to be great. We went home with our baby and I started adjusting to life as a new mom.

Then, without warning, he dropped a bomb on me. He called from work saying he'd be home in a few hours and needed to talk. I was so in the baby fog, I didn't even put it together. He got home and told me calmly, in a matter-of-fact voice that he was leaving us forever. He wanted a divorce and he would would be a generous person and let us have the house.

Shock could not begin to describe it. After a few minutes of wide-eyed staring, I managed to ask if he loved someone else. He wasn't even ashamed to say that he did. He had apparently met someone else in law school and they had carried on an EA for some time, but she broke it off with him just after they graduated to be with a guy she had decided to date seriously. He told me that she was amazing and totally out of his league and that the only reason he didn't leave me then was because he never thought he had a chance with her.

But, in those months that I was pregnant, when he was acting strangely, they reconnected. She had broken up with her boyfriend and they had taken their EA right to a PA. So he decided to commit to her and didn't want to be with me anymore, or our DD. He said he never really wanted kids and I should be happy because I got the baby I always wanted.

Again, I cannot express the shock and devastation I felt and still feel. I couldn't even speak and he took that as permission to go and walked out the door. He filed papers that afternoon. That was in March. I haven't seen him since.

Luckily, I have a great family and moved in with my sister and her family immediately because I needed support so badly and I couldn't stand to be in our marital house. He blocked my phone number and my family's and all of our friends. He's even cut off his own family! The only way I can contact him is through an email account he created just for the purpose of talking to me and through his attorney.

I did manage to get a little bit out of his brother, who seems to be disgusted with his actions. Basically, his new fiance (they're engaged already!) has no idea that he was married and has a daughter. He is keeping her in the dark about who he really is.

WHO THE HELL DOES THIS??? What kind of monster is this man? How did I not know he was capable of doing this to his wife and baby? He basically wants to pretend we never existed! It's disgusting! And the worst part is, I don't feel like I can do anything about it. I suppose I could try to track him down, but his brother (whom he hasn't spoken to since March) thinks he left town with the new fiance to start a new life. I don't blame her at all... she has no idea about the toad she's going to marry. Our divorce will be final in a few months and I'm not fighting it at all. He left everything behind, all our assets except our joint checking account that he drained. Once the divorce is final, I'll sell the house (I still haven't gone back there) and move on with my life. I found a great therapist who's helping me get through all this. It's going to be hard to keep going, but I know I'll make it.

If you read all this, I really appreciate it. This is the first time I've been able to write this out without hysterically crying.

Me: BW (33)
Him: STBXH (37)
DD: 9 mo
He walked away from his wife and infant to live a fantasy life...

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

Wow what an ass!
Well I hope he signs away his parental rights. You sure as heck dont want him in your daughters life!
Can you get him to sign his rights away?
Read here in the healing library. Things are slow on the weekend. But we are here..
I am truly sorry...

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Member # 40141
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

This is so awful, I am so sorry. I don't understand these guys walking away from their lives, their wives and children without ever seeming to give them a second thought. My WH has done something similar but at least still wants to see our daughter. I don't know how much interaction he will have with the baby once she is born though.

I am glad you have posted here, I have found so much comfort in this site and hope you find the same.

M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD4 and a newborn
D-Day 7/2013 he didn't want R and moved in with OW
Filing for D

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

That is beyond cruel. I am so sorry for your heartache. You sound like a strong woman who will come out of this even stronger. I am glad that you have a family support system.

Someday may you look back on this nightmare and realize it was a blessing. It freed you from what you now know is an insensitive, self absorbed, useless individual.

(((velvetglove + baby)))

ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2123 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 40302
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

I'm so sorry! That's terrible. I can't believe the things that these people on here do. It's amazing how every single one of the people on here has another horrible version of the same story :( I'm so sorry for you and your daughter; I wish that had never happened. Just keep posting and keep reading. You'll heal faster with the help from SI. Enjoy your family and friends. Love them. My STBXH started a lot of crap and I don't have a family. He chased off all of my friends. I have no one to talk to about this, so I come here. It helps, but I'd kill for a hug. You're going to be okay and obviously do way better, but it's terrible that you put him through school and this was the best he could do. I don't think she's "better," or prettier, or nicer than you. The problem is him, and he has a lot of them. What a douche. Mine slept with hookers on Craigslist. Also a douche. We don't have kids, but I found out because of the way he was acting towards me. I noticed a lot of projection going on, so I went snooping. The thing that bothers me most is that if I'd never found it, I'd never know. What if he'd come back with herpes?!?! Screw this. I hate men. I no longer believe there are any good ones out there!! It's like EVERYONE cheats. Why aren't there men out there who feel and act the same as we do?!?! Keep strong, say prayers even if you don't believe in God--it helps to convey your feelings and put them in words, even if no one ever hears them. For me, rationalizing my feelings helps me get over them. Some people need to cry, some people need to join a gym and punch things, and some people, like me, need to overanalyze everything in order for it to make sense. I also recommend using the journal feature on your profile. It'll be a good place to privately vent (or publicly, like mine) and get all of the anger out in a place where no one will find it lying around. A lot of people have been where you are and you can find them here. Hugs and good luck.

D12/13...he's a sociopath.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 2:27 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

Velvet....I am so sorry, your SBXH is frankly a waste of flesh, but that fact does not diminish the love you felt nor the pain you now feel. God bless you and keep you strong through this. Cherish your daughter and take care of yourself.

If there is one thing I have learnt in my life it is that what you put into the world you get back ten fold....karma, she's a bitch and he will get his one day. I can only imagine it may be the day that he realizes how badly he screwd up and decides he wants contact with your daughter ( possibly because the OW cant or wont have children and he suddenly gets the urge to be a father). If it ends up anything like my friends situation, her daughter looked her father in the eye and said " you are not my father, you are a stranger and were just a sperm donor, my mother who loves me taught me never to talk to strangers...,so f**k of! She was 14 at the time. She is 21 now and has still never acknowledged him as a part of her life.

(((( hugs ))))

1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 38134
Default  Posted: 3:02 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

I am sorry Velvet. My heart goes out to you.

You are a strong woman and I am sure you and your daughter will be fine. Blessings to you.

Me-BW 46 yo;Him - WH 53 yo
Married 13years
One daughter together 9yo, 2 stepchildren(His from previous marriage)
Various DDdays (see my profile)
ONS and multiple "friendships" with women in various online dating sites

Posts: 131 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New Zealand
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

Wow your husband is a jerk ! Not even close to a man! I get really angry when I hear these stories because they are wrong on so many levels . I am so sorry for you and I know your pain well. Take confidence in knowing it will get better you will move on to anger and you will start feeling better with a lot of time . Take care of that precious baby and give that jerk exactly what he wants , you deserve better . Do not believe that generalization that all men are bad that someone posted that is her anger talking , but know that that is not true , when you are ready you will find the right guy . I wish you all the best and lots of luck on your painful journey through this storm !

"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 682 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
New Member
Member # 38786
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

Thank you for your kind words, everyone, they mean a lot. I've been lucky that I've gotten so much support from everyone around me.

I'm still struggling with how a person could do this to his family... just walk away and want nothing to do with them, even his infant daughter. My therapist believes that he may be a high-functioning sociopath who is an expert at faking feelings he doesn't have. Basically, he sees people as math problems. If I want person to do X, I need to do why. Everyone around him is a tool to be manipulated so he can get the reactions and behaviors he wants. Looking back, it makes some sense, but it's so hard to believe someone could be capable of having basically NO feelings.

To clarify a few things, he has completely signed off parental rights. He really wants nothing to do with us. The settlement we've reached is that he walks away from everything... all our assets: house, my car, furniture, investment accounts, everything. What he gets in return is no attempts to contact and no child support.

At first I thought of fighting it, but I realized two things: 1) I'm actually coming out very well in the settlement since our property is worth a lot (and he put down all the money on it) and had managed to wrack up a healthy investment account and 2) he is very much capable of making my life miserable if I try to defy him, which I now realize would definitely happen. Truly, he scares me, and I think it's probably better to make a clean break and shut him out of my life forever.

Maybe I'm selling myself short, but I think in some ways I'm luckier than most as I'll be exiting the marriage in a good financial situation. Has anyone made a deal like this? My sister thinks I'm making a "deal with the devil" and thinks I should make it "harder" to leave us. After many months of going through this, I've come to the conclusion that this settlement also protects me from him, in case he changes his mind and wants to be in DD's life. I have my doubts that'll ever happen because that would mean admitting he made a mistake, which, looking back, is not something he has ever really done.

Thank you again for all your kind words. As far as dating goes, I think that's pretty far down the road, and I'm okay with that. I want to focus on my daughter and my life going forward. I'm thinking about going back to school to get a better career and making sure we're secure in our lives whether I remarry some day or not.

Still picking up the pieces emotionally (therapy and antidepressants help a lot.) I hope to be as happy and together as some of you I've seen. Thank you for listening to my story.

Me: BW (33)
Him: STBXH (37)
DD: 9 mo
He walked away from his wife and infant to live a fantasy life...

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

Your therapist is spot-on with her assessment - he is indeed a sociopath. I got two paragraphs into your story and the little voice in my head said, "uhoh, she has a certifiable sociopath on her hands." Your sister, although she means well, cannot give you any worse advice - you need to know that somebody up above is looking out for you, protecting you from this monster by giving you a clean break. The best thing you can do when you have a sociopath in such close proximity is to run. Run far, run fast, and don't stop running until you can run no longer. Take this deal and run, and after the ink dries, look to the heavens and thank whatever benevolent soul that swiftly and quietly helped you escape this monster. I really feel sorry for his poor, unsuspecting fiance. She is doomed. Unfortunately, you CANNOT do anything to warn her - it poses far too many threats to your daughter. He could potentially withdraw his offer and fight for custody.
Run. You will get through this fine once the shock and horror wear off. You're truly walking away the winner as it currently stands.
Good luck to you and I hope for many more blessings for you and your precious daughter.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

I am so sorry for what you're going through. Big hugs ((velvet)).

Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 951 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
New Member
Member # 38786
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

anewday78, I agree with you. At first I was outraged that he wanted to deny his daughter's existence, that he was actually capable of just walking away from her. I wanted him to have to acknowledge her by paying child support or something!

But after talking to my lawyer and my therapist, they showed me that it wouldn't help me or my daughter to do that. He was giving me a gift in walking away... more than the house and assets, his absence from my life was the best thing for me now that he has revealed his true colors.

My sister just wants to see him suffer and I used to be there, but I've decided to focus on my future. She's been absolutely amazing and has seen the devastation this situation has caused me so she's just reacting to that anger.

The one thing that is bothering me lately is thinking about how one day my DD will ask me where her daddy is and why he isn't with us. How do I tell her the truth?? Just typing that has brought tears to my eyes. I feel like no matter what I do, she will end up feeling abandoned (because she was.) How can I make this better for her? It's just heartbreaking. Did anyone have to have this conversation? How did it go?

Thanks again for your kind words... I really appreciate you guys.

Me: BW (33)
Him: STBXH (37)
DD: 9 mo
He walked away from his wife and infant to live a fantasy life...

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

Hi velvetglove, I too thought 'sociopath'... it just fits.

I know you're in pain, I know you're hurt, but really, take this settlement offer of his and sign it as fast as you can.

Honey you're only 33... you have your whole life ahead of you. Imagine if you were like many of us here, finding out after 20 years, or 30 years.... in a way, he's given you a gift, you can get away from him now.

As for your darling little one, don't over think what's going to happen in the future. The main thing is that she has a happy and loving childhood, and that's what you can give her.

I'm a firm believer in dealing with the truth where kids are concerned, age appropriate of course. As she grows, and questions arrive, just answer them, kids have a sixth sense and seem to know when they're not getting a straight answer

Hopefully, he'll continue be so selfish and self justified, that you don't ever hear from him again. That would truly be the best thing, as hard as it is to swallow right now.

Yep, sign those docs now, before he and the new girlfriend have a chance to decide they want some of the assets after all.

He will suffer, don't worry about that, he has to live with himself.

You will feel better than you do right now, there's a big future out there for you and your daughter. hugs.

I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1241 | Registered: Apr 2009
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

God, how awful. I am so sorry. And this other woman doesn't even know? Imagine how she will feel if/when she finds out what a crazy person he is. She is not going to feel like he did it because he was so "in love" with her. . .

There is something very obviously wrong with him. I would be glad you found out early enough so that you can have a happy life without him. So sorry!

me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.

Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

Ugh. What a jerk. You are better off without him, although I know how much it hurts. What about child support. Surely he just doesn't get to walk away from that? Keep posting here. You will find a lot of support on the divorce/separation forum and a lot of good stories on the new beginnings forum.
So, so, sorry and many, many, hugs.

Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

I'm so sorry. Cut and run. Work on yourself. You are fortunate. I'm in a better situation than a lot of people here as well. We weren't able to have kids and we have equity in the house (which is on the market). Relatively young. I'm moving on but it's difficult. Crushing sadness and regret. I'm sure I don't have to describe it. They say it gets better with time. I hope they are right. Stay strong.

Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 773 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

What about child support. Surely he just doesn't get to walk away from that?

If he signs off all legal parental rights to the child, legally the child is no longer recognized as his and he is not required to provide support. With that, he no longer has any rights to the child - no phone calls, no visitation, no photos, mail/email, Skype, etc. He is now a stranger - a non-relative. If he ever approached her on the street to even so much as give her a hug or shake her hand, her mother can have him arrested. He is handing over a great deal of assets in addition to that gift - I'd say the benefit of being rid of him fast outweighs any kind of relief child support would provide. Take the lump sum payout and RUN. Who wants to share their innocent baby with a sociopath?

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 40347
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

Hugs from here. Your story is sad and I am so sorry you are having to live it. I agree, someone up above is looking out for you, and though it may not seem so now, in the end, you are far better off without having his toxic presence in your life. He is the epitome of selfish. Do you believe in karma? I hope that it will jump up an bite a huge chunk out of his ass one day. I think it will happen, just a matter of time. In the meantime, take care of you, and your beautiful baby. Thank gosh you have family support, and a therapist. You sound like you are working towards recovery. You are stronger than you know. Your story and how you have handled it, proves this. Hugs, HUGE ones.

The grass isn't greener on the other side, it is greener where you water it.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, September 7th (Saturday)


As with many others, you were probably handed a blessing in disguise.

Two, I have a girlfriend who had her exs' parental rights terminated after he abandoned her and their two small boys. She tells her boys the truth, "Your father was not a good person to us. He didn't want to be in our lives, and that is OK. It is best he is out of our life." The boys are now 9 and 11 and thriving. She is just now dating someone after almost 10 years.

Second story, my ex turned out to be gay. I found out that he told AP's that he was divorced, or never mention of children. My therapist also believes he is NPD or Borderline Personality. He is a person that manipulates other people to his advantage. He said the same to me, "Why can't you just be happy? You HAVE the kids!" He also acted very strangely during my pregnancies, especially the second one. I know he didn't really want children. I have primary custody now.

He stays in their life as a...prize. He appears to be a good Dad, to impress other people. It is very strange. He doesn't really connect with his kids.

Post on SI, know that we all have stories how we arrived and can each offer support in our own way.

me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings

Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, September 7th (Saturday)


What a douchewad your WH is! Talk about being blindsided out of the blue by your WH!

I agree with the others, you are better off having made the exact choices that you made..

I am an older adult living with an NPD STBX WH that is unemployed and has no assets to his own name.I have a meager retirement income coming in and am trying to get healthy enough to go back into the work force..In the meantime I am not sure how to get out of this marriage via D with my pension intact, which is my only income..

When somebody like your WH offers to walk away leaving you with most of the assets / signs off on rights to the children that is your chance to start over and rebuild without having to deal with much of the legal baggage of divorce...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:02 PM, September 7th (Saturday)]

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Nov 2011
Dark Inertia
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

Wow!! I understand his brother is disgusted but what do his parents say about all this??

"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1284 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

This is such a tragic story, but I think you're doing the right thing. You and YOUR daughter will be better off without a sociopath in your life.

My Uncle did something similar to my Aunt a couple of years ago. Luckily they had no children, but after almost 30 years of marriage he just walked out. Gave her the house - basically did anything just to erase her from his life. Wanted no contact from her at all. Everything through a lawyer. He adored their dog. Boom, bye bye dog, never looked back. It's as though his life with her never existed. He married the OW (who needed a green card - HA!) as soon as humanly possible. When I think about it now, I think he too is a sociopath.
And my Aunt was a wreck, but she is doing AMAZING now. She truly is better off without him.
Keep posting here, we're here to help and again, I'm so sorry. Hugs to you.

Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
New Member
Member # 38786
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

Thank you for your replies. It's really hitting home that I'm doing the right thing by letting him go, even though it still makes me sad sometimes.

He wants to terminate all parental rights, meaning no CS but no contact either. So it's both good and bad, and I think the good outweighs the bad here. I know if I did try to fight for CS, the monster I now know him to be would make my life as miserable as possible because I dared to say "no" to him. I think this was my only clue about his sociopathic tendencies from the marriage. When we were still together, if anyone ever refused to do what he wanted, he went ballistic. Usually he could put things in a way that made you feel stupid to disagree with him so this rarely happened. I feel pretty stupid that I never saw it for the problem it was.

Dark Inertia, his mother died several years ago and he never had a great relationship with his father. I have talked to his dad a few times. I remember the first time he called me, he could barely get any words out, he was crying so hard. I know how terrible he feels about this. I think he's the one who most suspected all along but never did or said anything about it.

I've been thinking about offering to let his father meet DD...I don't know when I'll feel ready to do that, but it feels like the right thing to do. Has anyone had experience with that?

Me: BW (33)
Him: STBXH (37)
DD: 9 mo
He walked away from his wife and infant to live a fantasy life...

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 38172
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

I'm so sorry what happened to you. It's beyond my comprehension that he could walk away as if you and your DD never existed. What a despicable piece of shit! I think you made the right decisions and I'm glad you're here. I almost feel sorry for the OW - she has no idea what she got herself into but will find out eventually. He can't hide his past and his own family forever.

Me: BS
Her: WS
Married 13 yrs., together 17.
D-Day #1: 1/2006 (EA)
D-Day #2: 1/2013 (PA/EA)

Posts: 94 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: DFW
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

Welcome - all I can say is you really have been given a huge gift with him walking away. You are not accountable to him in any way. You seem smart well spoken and perfectly capable of doing the mom thing without any need of support from this dirtbag.

Don't worry about when your daughter asks. You will be healed and showing her how strong a woman can be. That my dear is te best gift you can give a young girl.

You will be strong and you will be ok it may seem overwhelming right now but once those papers are signed some real healing will occur.
Don't be in a hurry to find another man. Show yourself that you are perfectly happy on your own. Then when the next guy comes along you won't be tempted to tolerate any nonsense, and be treated like the queen you are.

(((and strength))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8718 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
New Member
Member # 40500
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

First I want to hug you and then I want to choke slam your husband. Not as a BS myself, but as a member of society that cringed when I read this story. I am so sorry for what he did to you.

Second-it sounds like he has had this planned for a while. Like your therapist said, a math equation, he also did that with your marriage. Told you, then had B, C, D, E etc already in the works. I know you're sad and hurt for you and your daughter. I am, too. I am also sad for that poor woman who is going to marry him. An acquaintance did something similar; cheated on his wife, got the OW pregnant, got his W pregnant, then signed the rights off to the OW's son. Don't think for one second he doesn't think about that little boy every day. I've seen him cry over him. His decisions haunt him every day. And he isn't even with his W anymore.

As for making a deal with the devil, YOU are not. HE did. When he signed those termination of parental rights away, he signed up for a life time of hurting. Know that. And he gave you and your DD the greatest gift of them all...his absence. What kind of role model would he have been for your daughter? She could have grown up with him in and out and then have "daddy issues" with her own relationships.

I apologize if I sound harsh, you absolutely got the best end of this deal. You got the best of him, your DD. You sound super strong and YOU will be the role model your daughter deserves.

Life will catch up with this man and I assure you, it won't be pretty. You, on the other hand, will be living the high life.

Hugs to you and your sweet daughter. Here's to REAL MOMS.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

I know there is a lot of animosity towards your WS, but I honestly believe he is doing the best thing EVER. He is walking away. No back and forth, no "I want you", "I want her", no broken NC, the only thing he is leaving you with is your daughter and PEACE. Alleluia!

I think your daughter will be fine, and one day she may have questions and be disappointed in who her "father" is, but remind her that every person has the right to make choices and just because he is her "father" doesn't mean he has the capacity to make good choices. Doesn't mean she should take that as some sort of reflection on herself.

I wonder in situations like this what would make a person lie about something so HUGE like being married and denouncing a child. You have to be completely insane. What does OW do when she finds out too, that her WS left his own kid for her? She will go on loving him, but in the back of her mind she will always wonder if he did it to you he is capable of doing it to anyone (read: her)

You're free. She's not.

Hugs to you, I admire your strength...

[This message edited by Broken1Again at 6:05 PM, September 7th (Saturday)]

BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 883 | Registered: May 2011
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, September 7th (Saturday) BFF had 2 children with her XH a daughter and a son. He went "hunting" when she was 8 1/2 months pregnant with son and never came home. She found out via polive after filing missing person report that he was alive and living with OW 2 towns over. ( I know the story sounds far fetched but I swear it is very true).

Anyway that is the daughter I spoke about in my earlier post. The story becomes very strange when she files for D and CS. ( he did not leave her financially well off and in fact left her almost bankrupt). Her son was born autistic and he was so sure that he was incapable of fathering an "imperfect" child that he accused her of an affair and refused to pay CS. Court ordered but he has been in arrears for many years!

Meanwhile as time went on he wanted his daughter but not her son. She had to explain why his father never asked about him or wanted to see him. She handled it with as much dignity as she could by explaining that his father was a mixed up man who didn't know how to be a dad. I think most importantly she never bad mouthed the front of her children. She is my hero and handled a disgusting situation with dignity and class. She has rebuilt her life and raised her children to be amazing individuals.

I hope that you can find the right way to explain things when the time comes. ((( hugs )))

1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

I've been thinking about offering to let his father meet DD...I don't know when I'll feel ready to do that, but it feels like the right thing to do. 

I'd think long and hard about this. You're main objective should be to server all ties with your soon-to-be-ex-monster. Even though he does not have much of a relationship with his dad, it's still his dad. My advice is to run from all things him.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 40102
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, September 9th (Monday)

So sorry. Get a great lawyer. Someone as ego centric as your husband will be trying to come out ahead no matter what he says. And move fast. I think that if the Ow is ignorant of you and the child and that she has been duped she may dump him. Suddenly your ex might want the house, want custody etc. I suggest staying away from him and his family until things are settled. If you choose to allow the grand parents into your child's life at that point you will have greater control to set the terms. Enjoy your baby. In her you are walking away with the best of him and all you are leaving is the deceptive liar.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Midwest
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, September 9th (Monday)

You are doing the right thing. Get the papers signed asap.
And thank your lucky stars that you don't have to pack up your precious DD every weekend to spend time with this useless, sociopath and his next victim.

As for grandpa - hold off on anything there till the papers are signed and then I'd wait until he actually asks to see her before you make a decision. I tend to agree that any open door there could lead to future problems for you and DD - and your only job now is to protect yourself and DD. The last thing you want are any strings connected to this cold heartless bastard.

As straight forward as the advice you are getting is - know that it is still going to hurt like hell, that you are still going to grapple with feelings of rejection, that you are still going to mourn what should have been and even who you thought he was. We all get that: you gotta go through to get through it. You are doing great and you sound strong, but we're here when you feel weak too.

It's going to be okay - hell, it's going to work out great in time.

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4135 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 31