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User Topic: wwyd - friend is an OW!
HurtButHoping12
Member
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

My friend dropped a bombshell on me yesterday... she is seeing a married man. I was disgusted that after knowing everything that WH and I went through, she went ahead and did this. She was so nonchalant about it, and even happily yelled out "yeahhhhh I'm a homewrecker!"

It instantly triggered both WH and I. He walked away, I pumped her for information. Thanks to Facebook, I know the BW's name.

I barely slept last night and it's all I can think about. Should I tell the BW?? Is it even my business to tell her?!

And then I think, OMG what if I tell her and it's not true, etc. But I'm betting it's true. I'm so devastated for the BW and pissed off at my friend for doing this without a care in the world about it.

I just keep thinking that if anyone knew when by WH was cheating, I would have wanted to know! But how do you send that message that is going to destroy a BW's world?! They have two really young kids. Ugh!


BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do


Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

Wow, what a gem of a friend.

I can't believe the insensitivity.

I would tell the BW. I don't think it would be easy, but I would tell. If you're concerned that it isn't true, just tell her what you've been told. That's the best you can do.

I hope your friend gets out of this mess and gets some help. If she does, she won't hold this against you.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Zayda1
Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

Wow. Not a true friend.

Please tell the BW. She deserves to know what is happening in her life.


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 458 | Registered: Apr 2012
HurtButHoping12
Member
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

At this point, I really don't give a shit if she holds it against me. WH said he is done with her and I pretty much feel the same way. It was a humongous slap in my face, the way she was excitedly talking about "Oh he is trying time leave but he can't right now, he is totally done with her, their marriage has been going down the tubes for a while now" etc. All that wayward drivel that we have ALL heard. She is being such an idiot. I'm appalled.


BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do


Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
Sleepless22
Member
Member # 36580
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

I would tell the BW but only if you have proof and could do it anonymously. Also, be aware of the backlash that could possibly come your way. They are all going to turn against you and lie through their teeth to throw you under the bus. Thinking of you, are you and your H ready to deal with the triggers and drama that come from this? Are you both strong enough right now? You can distance yourself to protect yourself and your marriage.

That being said my MIL, who is a former BW is doing the same thing right now. She is seeing a married man who's marriage is over blah blah blah. And yes she knows what it has been like because she has been there and knows our situation. When we found out it triggered both WH and I to the point of major setbacks. I have gone both ways in my head and heart on this and in the end we have had to take the course of no action and distance hoping the BW will find out on her own but this is to protect our marriage and children. That may be selfish but the backlash is just drama we can't afford right now with the progress we have made. We basically are having NC with his mother right now. Our situation is different because it is a family member and we have dealt with way too much family drama in our marriage.

Either way, you have to make the decision that you can live with. I would have wanted to know and I told WH that.

At this point, I really don't give a shit if she holds it against me. WH said he is done with her and I pretty much feel the same way. It was a humongous slap in my face, the way she was excitedly talking about "Oh he is trying time leave but he can't right now, he is totally done with her, their marriage has been going down the tubes for a while now" etc. All that wayward drivel that we have ALL heard. She is being such an idiot. I'm appalled.

This is exactly how I felt too but I have SI and she doesn't. She completely believes this and so does your friend.


Me-BS 33 Him- WH 35 (ptsdandhoping) 3 Kids 10, 5, 2, and one due 12/23.
DD1: 12/2/09-PA DD2: 05/25/12-EA with Ho-Worker;
Status: Reconciling, I think.
My life needs editing. Mort Sahl

Posts: 153 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Crazy Town
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

how do you send that message that is going to destroy a BW's world?!
Gently and kindly. BW deserves to know what is going on. It is so cruel to be left in the dark. She has right to know what is going on in her marriage.

As far as your friend goes, I would suggest dumping her. Throw her under the bus even (tell BW who she is, if you want). People like your "friend" who

happily yelled out "yeahhhhh I'm a homewrecker!"
don't deserve to be protected.

I had a friend, a very close friend, of over 25 years that I had to cut loose because of her affair with a married man. It was hard and sad, but I really don't miss her now.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

I would absolutely tell the BW. She deserves to know that the marriage she's in is a lie. I couldn't NOT tell her.

And the "friend" would no longer be a friend of mine. I would go NC with her. I wouldn't have someone like that in my life.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

I would tell because you do know for sure, straight from the OW's mouth.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jan 2008
lost_in_toronto
Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

What a horrible position to be in.

So many people knew of my WS's affair, and could have found out who I was and sent me a message. I would have been sad, and angry, but glad that they let me know.

The BS probably knows SOMETHING is wrong, and it's probably driving her crazy trying to figure out what it is. And remember, you will not be the one hurting her or destroying her world - her WH and his OW are.

Good luck with whatever you decide.


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1652 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
HurtButHoping12
Member
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

I spent the morning in bed crying, got up, and sent this message:

Hi, you don't know me, but I have some information that I feel you should know. I have a friend named xxxxxxxx, who informed me last night that she is having an affair with your husband xxxxxxxx. She said he is her "boyfriend" and that your marriage is going down the tubes and he "is going to leave but can't yet". I don't know anything more than those things that she told me. I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, if you don't already know. The reason I'm telling you is, my husband cheated on me and left me for another girl and I wish someone would have clued me in, because I had no idea. So I am going to be the one to inform you, if you don't already know. I am so sorry, and so disgusted by my "friend" and her actions.
She is no longer my friend because of this but please don't name me in this if you do confront her. I'm SO sorry

OMG, I am shaking and I bawled as I sent that message. I also blocked my "friend" from facebook and my phone, and WH is sending her a NC text message and why.

My WH has been awesome. He triggered so hard last night, cried on the drive home, we talked last night and he texted me this morning telling me that he doesn't want to be friends with her anymore because he doesn't want people like that in his life. I'm so proud of him and trying not to take my pain out on him.


BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do


Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
HurtButHoping12
Member
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

And I've already gotten shit from another friend, accusing me of informing the wife because I'm spiteful that it happened to me. Wow. Nope that's not it at all, I have been agonizing over this since I found out last night. I certainly wasn't all giddy to send that facebook message. So she gets cut out too.

My god, I hate all of this. I hate that I have been crying off and on all morning and my poor kids are looking at me like I'm crazy and upset that I'm upset.


BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do


Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
putonahappyface
Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

This is exactly how I found out; I received a private Facebook MSG from the OW's best friend. She apologized, but said she felt like I should know. Yes it was shocking, & completely destroyed my world, but I thanked her for telling me.

To this day, as awful as it was, my FWH & I owe this woman, as she probably saved him & our M. He had already ended the A, but the guilt & shame were eating him alive. Please, choose your words carefully, but do tell her somehow. Maybe you could say you're very sorry, as you've been in her position, & she deserves to know the truth, etc. Thank you for caring about someone you've never met!

Oh, just went back & saw that you sent the MSG. Good for you! I'm sorry that it's triggering you both, but you absolutely did the right thing! It's not spiteful at all. Hopefully this woman will know to get std tested & all that. She probably sensed things were off, & a hundred other confusing emotions. Now she has the truth & can make informed decisions! Kudos & hugs to you!

[This message edited by putonahappyface at 9:23 AM, September 7th (Saturday)]


BS (me) - 50; SAWH- 51 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 21&17
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: discovered porn addiction
4 years out: M is strong; FWH is a new man :)


Posts: 719 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, September 7th (Saturday)


..you did the right thing..

..no question about it!

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4102 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
niaveone
Member
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

My friend told me about my own false R that I had no idea about. She's who I credit with for DDay#2 and for me getting my bitch boots on and WS finally realizing what he was going to lose by being with that morally bankrupt person.

She had it done to her and she knows how Gawd awful you feel when other's know and you don't. She didn't want to be one of those people and she didn't want to see me trying so hard when he obviously wasn't.

WS was angry at her in the beginning, but I stood my ground as keeping her as a friend and eventually he became ok with it too, knowing we probably wouldn't be together if the affair had continued to the point of when (if ever) he decided to finally tell me.

Having said all that, being the better person is very very hard but something you knew in your heart you had to do. My friend was scared to death she would lose our friendship, but sacrificed it anyway to tell me. That's a truly good person in my eyes.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 16 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 193 | Registered: Aug 2013
jjsr
Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

sounds to me like you need some new friends. Good for you for telling the BS


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1592 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Texas
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

You were very brave, and without a doubt you did the right thing.

I wish more people in our society would take a stand like you did.

Has the BW responded to you yet?


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7021 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

You did the right thing. I would definitely want to know.
I know I would tell in a heartbeat.
I have a friend that used to get herself involved with married men.
The last time she did it I told her I would call the wife.
We are still friends, and she has enough self esteem not to let these jerks use her anymore.
And if I ever find out she was doing it again, I would cut her loose and call the poor BS. I've known her for over 20 years. I've watched her kids for a year at a time every time she has deployed.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

You did the right thing. I would be proud to call you my friend!


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Cookie7088
Member
Member # 30038
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

And I've already gotten shit from another friend, accusing me of informing the wife because I'm spiteful that it happened to me.

Absolutely...spiteful -uhmm, no! You have walked that path and know what it's like! Nothing spiteful!

As well, the audacity of an OW to tell you about her affair is unbelievable!

She gets what she deserves...and never second guess telling the BW. She has a right to know...

And as for the friends who think otherwise of your actions...tell them to "get the steppin!" Those aren't friends!

[This message edited by Cookie7088 at 10:18 AM, September 7th (Saturday)]


Posts: 636 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: U.S.
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

You did the right thing on all accounts. You told the BW what you know, you cut out the so called friend and cut out the other friend who accused you.

Too many people think that it's not a big deal to cheat, but for the friend/OW to do something like that, knowing what you went through, I just have no words.

And I am sure your other friend knows what you went through as well so shame on her for also trivializing it.

Kudos to your husband for taking an assertive position.

I'm sorry you lost these friendships but, and especially, in the early stages of recovering your marriage you need positive people with morals and boundaries.


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
HurtButHoping12
Member
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

Thank you for the reassurance. I've been so upset since I was called spiteful! I'm trying to consider the source - that woman is someone who would be completely happy to be clueless as her husband cheated on her. She said I went over the line and involved myself in someone else's marriage out of spite and because I was "assuming there was cheating". Well, my friend told me to my face that she is a "home wrecker" and has a married boyfriend, so I'm not sure exactly what I assumed.

No, the BW has not responded. I'm hoping that she already knew and this just confirmed her suspicion, and not that my message just blind-sided her.

I'm just sick over this. The OW is a friend that I really care about. I can't believe she is so nonchalantly involving herself in a marriage. I'm so angry with her, and it may seem silly but *I* feel betrayed by her. I've cried about what I've gone through, on her shoulder. She is one of the only people who knows EVERYTHING about what happened. Why did she think it was even okay to tell me about this, did she really think I would congratulate her on her nwere boyfriend?!

It makes me sick just how common and accepted infidelity is in my generation. I'm in my late 20's and honestly I can't tell you one person I know who hasn't been cheated on.


BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do


Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

I would tell the BW but only if you have proof and could do it anonymously.
I strongly disagree with the advice to do it anonymously. Anonymous information is disposable. Information, gently delivered by a friend of the OW who has information from the OW herself, is a credible source. An "anonymous tipster" is not.

HBH, I'm really sorry you're in this position. Your "friend" is anything but, and the BW deserves to know that this "friend" is helping her husband trash their marriage. In your shoes, I'd gently deliver the information to her, including that you've been friends with this woman for however long, that she told you herself, and any details she might have given (times, places, etc.). The woman needs all the intel she can get---both to get answers from her cheating husband AND to make informed decisions about her life.

ETA I read further, and see you did inform. I know how hard that is---and also am so sorry for the backlash you're already getting. Sometimes we learn the true tenor of our friends in the worst possible ways. You did the right thing. ((((HBH))) (I, too, would have given ANYTHING to have been told the truth--an anonymous tip years ago was easy to blow off, because I had no whiff of affair at the time. But when I was twisting myself in knots wondering what was so wrong with me that my husband was so distant, I would have loved a heads-up.)

[This message edited by solus sto at 11:44 AM, September 7th (Saturday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8330 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
HurtButHoping12
Member
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

I thought the same, solus sto... I would have probably rolled my eyes at an anonymous tip on Facebook!

I have 2 wonderful friends who have been talking me off my ledge this afternoon and supporting me. I'm still upset but I'm confident that I did the right thing. I still can't believe this whole mess! It seems like people never learn. Infidelity isn't some novelty, it's real and it hurts and it has real consequences to real people!


BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do


Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
shatteredheart7
Member
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

Good for you!!! My H has 2 friends that knew about his A. Neither one of them told me. I wish they would have!

One "friend" was in our wedding. He also cheats on his wife A LOT! I already knew about that, as does she. Yet, she stays and lets it continue. He laughed when H told him what he was doing.

The other friend, an old HS friend of his,told him he needed to get his shit together and either tell me or leave. She was very disappointed in him, but I guess not enough to let me know what he was doing.

Neither one of them thought to tell ME. He has pretty much stopped talking to both of them unless we run into them. Then it is just a hi, how have you been kind of thing. He understands that they are not "friends of our marriage" and I can never stand to be around them.


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

I'm so glad you told the BW. Your "friend" must be deep in the fog or a real idiot to think that she could brag to you and you wouldn't tell!!

Years ago a friend (but not one I knew very well) told me she was having an EA with a mutual friend's H and that they were planning on leaving their respective spouses for each other. I was livid. Both families had two young kids. I told her she had a week to come clean with the spouses or I was going to do it. They didn't so I had to.

It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I had to tell this woman (in person, it was before Facebook) that I only barely knew that her husband was making plans to leave her for another woman. She was devestated.

The APs are still together to this day, 11 years later. Ugh. But at least I know I did the right thing.

Sorry for the T/J. Can you tell if she's seen the message yet? Is she active on FB? I sent my H's AP a FB message ages ago and she still hasn't "seen" it according to FB.

Feel proud. You did the right thing.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
HurtButHoping12
Member
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

Yeah, it says she saw the message a minute after I sent it. I'm glad she didn't respond, to be honest.


BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do


Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

How did either know it was you who told her or did they just assume? Did you tell anyone you did it? I wouldn't have, it will get back to the OW/exfriend.

If you did not tell anyone that you did it, other than your husband, that means the BW did see it and the proverbial shit hit the fan if they know the BW now knows about it all.

((hugs))


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

I just wanted to say "Well done" to you. It's so much easier to just say to yourself "Oh, I hope someone else says something to [the BS] about this...", especially when you have skin in the game, like you do with the OW being your friend. Good luck.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1945 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
HurtButHoping12
Member
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

I told them. They don't know OW and at this point I don't care if she finds out that I enlightened the BW, because WH and I just went NC with her. I don't want a friend like that, and if she is willing to break up someone else's marriage, maybe she might try mine next. No thanks.


BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do


Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
HurtButHoping12
Member
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

I told them. They don't know OW and at this point I don't care if she finds out that I enlightened the BW, because WH and I just went NC with her. I don't want a friend like that, and if she is willing to break up someone else's marriage, maybe she might try mine next. No thanks.


BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do


Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
Aussiescot
New Member
Member # 39265
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

(((Hbh))) that certainly wasn't easy for you sweets but you did the right thing!

Truly wish I had of done the same with my own 'friend' it may have saved our relationship from the painfest :(

Spiteful eh.......meh to that! There is a photo of your 'friend' in the dictionary next to the meaning of spiteful unfortunately!


BS 39
4 DD's
DD 2012
New life started march 2014, false R! Still on the rollercoaster but will ride it out until the end.....because that's just how I roll

Posts: 47 | Registered: May 2013
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

HBH - You are very brave to step up and do what you did.

I certainly don't expect my WH's friends to tell me about his affair but it would have been nice if they had said to HIM "Hey, you are doing something that is going to fuck up your life sooner or later. Why are you being so stupid?" But alas, no, they did not. So IMO they are not real friends.

Similar to you, I dumped a friend who was having an affair with a married man. She told me I did not have the whole story. I said I don't even want to know. Mind you, her H cheated on her the previous year and they were breaking up. So I just thought it was really crappy of her to do that to someone else - regardless of circumstance. Plus, have a little self respect, please!!!

One of my friends received an anonymous letter telling her about her WH's affair. This was a few days after she had asked for a sign from above about what to do about her marriage (she did not suspect but she did know she wasn't happy). She remains grateful to whomever sent that.

You did the right thing. Brace yourself for a little backlash but it will eventually blow over. Any friend you lose over this was not worth having in the first place. And look at it this way, at least NOW you will know who your friends are.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 855 | Registered: Jun 2013
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

if she is willing to break up someone else's marriage, maybe she might try mine next. No thanks.
Exactly. You did the right thing.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7021 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
SorrowBhindSmile
Member
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

WOW. I just have to chime in and say that i am in awe of your strength and courage. amazing. And i agree with everyone. you totally did the right thing. I found out about my WH A from an anonymous letter in the mail....so someone, somewhere out there had the strength to tell me, and i cant ever be more grateful. It is a totally shitty position to be in...to be "the one that blows someones world apart".....but it isnt you. YOU didnt do that...the waywards did. DONT let anyone make you feel like you did a bad thing. You are an advocate for the betrayed. someone has to be.


I told them. They don't know OW and at this point I don't care if she finds out that I enlightened the BW, because WH and I just went NC with her. I don't want a friend like that, and if she is willing to break up someone else's marriage, maybe she might try mine next. No thanks.

excellent call. again, an huge show of strength. kudos to you. My WH's OW WAS a long time friend of mine. She had previous affairs and when those didnt pan out, she went after my husband. Nice, huh??

protect yourself and your marriage always. hugs to you!


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
LovesLaboursLost
Member
Member # 37272
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, October 7th (Monday)

Ouch, that has to be rough. Not a friend per se, but a blogger i used to really like and respect has started blogging about her affair with mm. Needless to say i no longer like or respect her. People can really fool you sometimes...


I'm a work in progress.

Posts: 77 | Registered: Oct 2012
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, October 7th (Monday)

She said I went over the line and involved myself in someone else's marriage out of spite and because I was "assuming there was cheating".

That's a crock of shit. Those are defensive words...for whatever reason, and who is this person to determine your motivations? She should stop trying to determine your motivation and worry about her own....those defensive ones..she appears to have.

You did the right thing. The info you left is a bit like a gift. Now that it's been given, it's hers to do with as she will!


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Want2help
Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, October 7th (Monday)

I was told by a "friend of a friend" of OW's (actually, it was OW's friend's MOTHER who called and told me) about the affair.

I will tell you, it was better to hear from a stranger than OW or my FWH. He was totally unremorseful at the time, and it took the power away from both of them.

Please, tell the BW.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
7 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2158 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, October 7th (Monday)

happily yelled out "yeahhhhh I'm a homewrecker!"

I don't get this kind of thinking. Causing innocent people to suffer and not giving it a second thought??? How do some people live with themselves? I hope your friend does the right thing.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Posts: 5624 | Registered: Aug 2007
headdesk
Member
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, October 7th (Monday)

Good for you, hang in there. Doing the right thing is often tough and painful for a while.

I had to report my friend's husband to child protective services because he was actively abusing my friend in front of the kids and had said some pretty scary things about the kids (like 'shut her up or I'll punch her about their brand new baby). It sucked. My friend felt betrayed and was very angry at me...but it was the only move to make. Being silent would have been worse.

Lost the friendship, kept my values. Worth it.


Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, October 7th (Monday)

HBH, just jumping in to say that you absolutely did the right thing. You were very brave.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, October 7th (Monday)

HBH
You did the right thing.
My BFF cheated on her X I knew it by the way she was avoiding me I called her on it and she confessed. I waited a day to see if she would tell her then husband. When she did not I told her she had 24Hrs are I was telling him.
She told him and she apologized to me. I love her and hated to watch her spiral so far down.
Sounds like you and your FWS are working as a team:-)


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3185 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, October 7th (Monday)

I think the word “friend” tends to be used too loosely nowadays. I for one have friends and then I have acquaintances.

If you realized your friend was doing something dangerous - say shooting heroin into her veins – wouldn’t you try to get her to quit? Would you really be a “friend” if you simply looked the other way and decided that it was her problem and no concern of yours?

I have been approached by friends and told when my behavior was inappropriate or not in accordance with their expectations. I have always taken heed to what they say – after all IMHO this shows a clear concern for my well-being.
I too have visited friends and acquaintances to warn them of their drinking, drugging, dubious financial transactions, tax evasion... I have even talked to one when I saw where he was headed with his flirting in the office. Yes – I have lost a few acquaintances. But I have also earned a lot of friends. Sometimes months later when they have come to me to thank for the intervention.

So maybe you were the only TRUE friend this woman had and you showed that by NOT supporting her in doing wrong. Maybe you contacting the OW is what is needed for your “friend” to get her life back in line. Maybe – if she is a decent person – she will come back to you one day and thank you. Or maybe not. At least you have done what is right.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5485 | Registered: Sep 2005
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, October 7th (Monday)

I don't want a friend like that, and if she is willing to break up someone else's marriage, maybe she might try mine next. No thanks.

Too true. My XBFF did just that. Sure wish I had cut her off when she decided to have an 'open marriage.'


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1540 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Topic Posts: 43