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User Topic: Today's Realization
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

As I prepare myself for my Wh to leave tomorrow the following hit me, and it's so clear now.

Being his wife and my kids mother is WHO I AM every second of every day, in my thoughts and actions. For him, being a husband and father is just one of the many hats he wears each day, his thoughts and actions depend upon which hat he's wearing at the time. I don't know who he really is.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

It sounds like he doesn't know who he is. INTEGRITY is having ones thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and behaviors all integrated. We have integrity when we wear only one all encompassing hat, when I am the same me at home, at work, with friends, on SI, everywhere!!!. When I am true to to myself and everyone else.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2600 | Registered: Aug 2012
Broken1Again
Member
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

I understand what you're saying. We become wife and mother and lose who we actually are outside of that. I think that's the struggle with why we want to forgive so badly, because we don't know what our roles are if one of those roles are taken away.


BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 881 | Registered: May 2011
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

I too came to that realization a few months back.
Find out who YOU are again. It's time to be a teensy weensy bit selfish.
I also realized, that as selfish as my husband was, I helped him perpetuate it in our sons.
When I stopped being only Mom to our sons, they had a tantrum. My youngest would call me at work and demand, yes, demand I come home and cook his dinner. That enough was enough and he was tired of me thinking only of myself. LOL, he's 18 and I've taught him how to cook.
THAT DAY I stopped being only Mom and Wife.
Now, I bikeride, getting into shape (used to run marathons), starting martial arts in a few months, I read, listen to MY music in the house.
My oldest son is out of the house, and my 18 year old had a fit and ran away.
And, I don't worry about it.
Find YOU, LOVE YOU. Everything else will fall into place.
And not to preach religion or God if that isn't your thing, but attending Church for me was awfully healing.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2263 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

There is one thing you know about him without a shadow of a doubt now though: he is still a liar.

With that realisation so much else becomes abundantly clear too. Not least why he got that extra phone he tried to hide. OldCow, he's never been all in in this R from the start, and I highly doubt he's ever been NC with OW either, so you are doing the very best thing you can for YOU in going NC with him and throwing him out. It doesn't make it any easier for you to do, but it does make it the RIGHT thing to do for YOU.


You've been in my thoughts and prayers since this happened, and you will continue to be so today. ((OldCow18))


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1877 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
putonahappyface
Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

(((sweetcow))) thinking of you


BS (me) - 50; SAWH- 51 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 21&17
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: discovered porn addiction
4 years out: M is strong; FWH is a new man :)


Posts: 720 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

No, I am other things too, I have a full time job, I have good friends, I like to workout, etc. etc. My point is that, like chico said, I have integrity and no matter what I am doing, my actions are based on my loyalness to my husband and children. His aren't.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, September 7th (Saturday)

You deserve better. Period.
We all know this part is hard. Hang in there. You can walk away knowing you did EVERYTHING you could to save your marriage and all the fault lies within him. You have no regrets while he will have plenty once he gets who she really is. The OW is never even a percentage of the wife. He will have to learn this the hard way now!
Hugs and support to you sister!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2263 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
ILINIA
Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

(((OC18))) You have been in my thoughts.

This was my realization today. Through all of this crap, I realize I know more about who I am and you know what? I like who I am.

I do it all... full-time job, took care of the kids & home, planned vacations and the appts, I was always running the kids to everything. I did all this with little to no help. I was strong, invested, loyal, and present in our lives every single day. He was not. I don't know why I accepted such a pathetic effort from him.

I can & will carry my head high. It sounds like you are doing the same.

Whatever happens, know that you stayed true to yourself and your family.


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 472 | Registered: Jul 2013
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

Being his wife and my kids mother is WHO I AM every second of every day, in my thoughts and actions. For him, being a husband and father is just one of the many hats he wears each day, his thoughts and actions depend upon which hat he's wearing at the time.

Yep, that totally makes sense. No matter what you do, you're mindful of the effect it will have on your husband and children. But he compartmentalizes. He feels he can act like a husband/father sometimes but not others, rather than be mindful that he IS a husband/father all the time.

That's a sad but very powerful realization.

I know tomorrow will be hard. No words of wisdom - we're here for you.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Ariabook
Member
Member # 39669
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

What Broken1Again said


Separated
Wants nothing to do with our daughter
No Contact

Posts: 75 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Newwhere
Topic Posts: 11