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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Collaborative Divorce?
GeauxTigers
Member
Member # 28301
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

Looking into this option. I really don't have the stomach for an ugly, nitpicky fight. At the same time, I don't want to get screwed and have to deal with it the rest of my life.

Any experiences out there?


Sigh... how did I end up here?

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Nashville
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

I attended a class earlier this year for women going through a major life transition (women like me!). One of my classmates was going through a Collaborative Divorce. I'd never heard of it before. I couldn't believe how calm & methodical she described it. She didn't want the divorce at all, her husband was forcing it, but she was going along with it because he was willing to compensate her financially. If it turned out the way she described it, it sounded like an ideal way to go.

But it would only work if both people are mentally balanced and there's no animosity.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9856 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
soveryweary
Member
Member # 32265
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

Nature Girl is spot on about it.
We are doing an "amicable" divorce, also because I don't have the stomach for a long, drawn out fight.
I hope it will work out for you.


Divorced 1/3/14

Posts: 627 | Registered: May 2011
GeauxTigers
Member
Member # 28301
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

Thanks, guys. I hope that's how it goes too, but I have a lot on the line. I guess it'll depend on what her expectations are.

We shall see. Hell, I'll take ALL the debt, she can have anything she wants in the house, but I won't be shackled into sponsoring her choices forever. Lifetime income is a deal-breaker for me.


Sigh... how did I end up here?

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Nashville
kg201
Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

My WW agreed to do it with me today. We don't have enough stuff to fight about, we don't have money for a drawn out fight, and neither of us is saying that the kids should be anything but 50-50. I think the only thing that may or not be an issue is the health insurance, but I have to look into what my insurance company allows. She has terminal cancer, so it would be horrible for me to remove her from the health insurance (affair or not) unless there is no choice.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 736 | Registered: Aug 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

KG, you could offer to pay her COBRA payments so she could keep her insurance.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9856 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

Have you talked to an attorney to understand how the courts in your state would probably assess spousal support and division of debts and assets.

Knowing how the courts typically rule might help you in a collaborative divorce in making the best agreement.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52737 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
GeauxTigers
Member
Member # 28301
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

After DD#1 I did, but its been a while. May be worth another visit now.


Sigh... how did I end up here?

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Nashville
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

Hi,

As Naturegirl said

But it would only work if both people are mentally balanced and there's no animosity.

Really consider this carefully. I always wanted collaborative; my STBXWW wanted mediation (sort of a "step below" collaborative).

I reluctantly agreed to give mediation a shot. It turned out to be a 1500.00 waste of time as my WW, true to form, was irrational and bullying.

I ultimately decided not to even try to waste more time and money on collaborative and just cut to the inevitable chase: litigation.

The reason why in my case was the big risk you take with collaborative: if it falls apart (and it would have in my case for the same reasons it did with mediation) then the attorneys must recuse themselves and you have to find another, and start from scratch.

I did not want to risk losing my attorney, as I like her too much.

Give your situation a LOT of thought, and good luck!


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2012
hopeandchange
Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

Collaborative Divorce has specific requirements and IMO just increases time and money spent

IMO, both spouses need to be informed of rights and likely outcomes and then try and negotiate the agreement themselves which they would take to their lawyer

If this does not work, cut to the chase!

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 406 | Registered: Sep 2011
peacelovetea
Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

We did collaborative, but we mostly agreed on terms for the big stuff like custody and financials, it was just the nitty gritty details. We actually finished the final document sitting all four of us in a room for 2 hours, then my lawyer brought it to court to be stamped as final. But, we were both able to be reasonable. WH did have a minor shitfit initially over the monthly payments of CS and SS but his lawyer told him to STFU because there was more than enough left for him. It was a good way for us to go, but we knew from the beginning that litigation was not going to be part of it.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 542 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

We opted to use our state's self-help fill-in-the-blank dissolution forms. I filled them out after we had agreed how to split possessions. I did my homework first to see how the court generally rules, and I made sure our agreement met those basic requirements. We should have it finalized in a few weeks.

I did not want a long battle, and I just wanted him legally out of my life ASAP. We don't have much in assets because of his out-of-control spending (plenty of debt though) and I didn't want to waste money on legal fees that I needed to rebuild. And I knew he didn't have any resources either. However, I didn't want to completely tip my hand about my financial situation so I told him my family was prepared to assist with a legal fees if he wanted this to get ugly. It was a bluff (I never asked my family and never planned to), but it was enough to make him realize it was in his best interest to do it the easy way. I am getting what I want and know what I would get after a messy expensive battle (being realistic knowing how the court rules) for a whole $150 in legal filing fees and no fight.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1206 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
swizzlestick03
Member
Member # 30102
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

Geaux, I'm so sorry to see it has come to this. I think about you and some of the others who I followed often, hoping your absence meant things were going well.

Hang in there.


Me: BW-33
Him: WS-32
D-Day #1: 16 August 2010
D-Day #2: 16 January 2011
One smallish kiddo.

Posts: 571 | Registered: Nov 2010
GeauxTigers
Member
Member # 28301
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

hoping your absence meant things were going well

Um, no One day I may update SI on my season in hell, but I just don't have the heart right now.

Thanks for the kind words, though. I'll be fine!


Sigh... how did I end up here?

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Nashville
Topic Posts: 14