SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: anyone here from the R forum?
Gottagetthrough
Member
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

My wh and I were actively divorcing for a year, then separated but 'working' on things for 2 years. Started living together again last year.

He's gone from appreciative that I'd help him & consider R to the jerk he used to be.

Our big fight now is over homeschooling- during the A, my wh was manic, and abusing prescription drugs his Ow helped him get. They used together.

Wh was fired from 2 jobs and ended up moving to an area with crummy schools to get a job. After having our kids in the crummy school system last year, I decided to homeschool. Wh offered no alternative, and has known about this for months.

Today he told me that I was horrible for homeschooling, and that he would do everything to make my life more difficult.

Something sort of snapped. Maybe its the fact that, lol, I do everything and hold his butt together. He is going to make my life harder... Well, the way to do that would be to stick around. He's dead weight. I just don't want to try anymore. I don't care.

I want out. I want to meet someone else. Maybe I needed this time to disassociate from the marriage? But I'm distancing myself from him and our marriage. Which really reminds me of HIS behavior the year leading up to his affair.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 8:03 PM, September 7th (Saturday)]


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Jan 2010
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

when I first arrived in D/S, kicking and screaming I might add, it was from R. Only, turned out to be false R, and now-ex had continued his affair with OW.

Let me just say that first off, yes, you need to time to heal from the infidelity, marriage and divorce before you try to meet someone new.

Secondly, divorce is not a cure for your WH being able to have an opinion on the homeschooling issue. In fact, he may even win the legal right to make that decision in the divorce.

However, if infidelity is a dealbreaker for you, it's a dealbreaker. It does sound like your WH is either still in the affair, and/or not remorseful at all for cheating.

The best thing you can do is consult a local attorney. Knowledge is power, and the more you know, the better able you'll be to make a decision.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 11991 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
Gottagetthrough
Member
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

when we were divorcing a few years ago, after that mess, my D lawyer drew up papers that WH signed giving me sole legal and physical custody over the kids. It was after he had been diagnosed bipolar and was in recovery from the pills.

so I think I could win the whole homeschooling thing in court, and actually, I would probably move to an area with a better school system anyway.

it just pisses me off that he would be so juvenile about the whole thing... come to me with a solution to the problem. don't act passive aggressively

hes not still in the A, im 99% sure. (found out during this mess never to be 100% sure of ANYTHING... im still only 99% sure that the earth is round

)

He's just not remorseful like he was-- he WAS remorseful before we started living together again, but its almost like he thinks "alls well that ends well" Um, no.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Jan 2010
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 2:12 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

Oh, I spent several years in the R forum. I kinda faded away a bit towards the end out of sheer embarrassment that I was still trying to R with an unremorseful asshole.

Remorse is essential for your healing. If he acts like the pain and suffering he inflicted on you, the knife stabbing, the asshattery, is no big deal, you are going to drive yourself insane trying to stay in the relationship. It hurts too much. It is too big a blow on the self esteem. It tears you down piece by piece.

I wanted to die. I wanted the pain to end. Suicidal thoughts plagued my life.

I finally snapped, like you, when I realized he was an asshole, and he liked himself that way.

DONE.

Get out of this relationship. Distance yourself far, and fast. If you have to file for D again, do it. Put yourself on the fast track to peace, and healthy parenting without him in your home.

I wish I had not wasted so many years in false R, but whatever. Can't get them back.

hugs to you ((((Gottagetthrough))))


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1006 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

My god, Heartbroken:
I wish I had not wasted so many years in false R

Years?? I can't even imagine. I was in false R for just a few weeks here-and-there within the course of six months and I thought I would die from the pain. Not to be trite, but better late than never.

I'm glad you finally did find your strength.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1472 | Registered: Dec 2012
peacelovetea
Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

We were in R, or well, trying R for more than 2 years before I realized I was done trying. Our D was final not quite 3 years from D-day.

For me it gave me time to get my ducks in a row, to resign myself to the reality of a D and what that meant for my children, and to do a lot of separating from the M. The last year of "R" was really me mourning. It wasn't what I wanted, and its certainly not easy financially, but I am better off.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
Topic Posts: 6