User Topic: Are you forbidden to open his mail?
Member # 40393
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

Been married 32 years. I am forbidden to open any mail that has WH name on it. Also- unable to look at any of his bank statements, emails etc. He now uses a track phone and keeps the screen locked. Am I nuts? or does he have something to hide with all this secrecy?

Me: 50
WH: 50 pro cake-eater, NPD, SA
Married 33 years
D-Days 3-4-12, 8-19-12 (EA, probably PA)porn,ashleymadison, etc, etc
4 sons, 3 daughters
8 grandkids
Divorcing - finally

Posts: 120 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Utah
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

Is this the type of marriage that you want to be in? Obviously not by your filing.

I am afraid that he will never do the work to improve himself. He has betrayed you emotionally and financially, and shows no remorse for his actions.

But the quick answer to your questions are: (1) you are definitely NOT nuts, and (2) he has plenty to hide with his secrecy.

2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

I am so sorry... I would venture to say he is the Crazy one... Once he cheated he forfited his rights to any privacy. How else is he suppose to be transparent if he is hiding things from you. I would open and keep his mail and go to the bank and take every cent out. Time to talk to your lawyer and start your exit plan.
Again I am so sorry.
It is my fear that I decide to stay in the marriage and end up D...

Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

Whaaaat? Really, do you tolerate this?

No way. A marriage allows privacy in the restroom, everything else is fair game.

Really, you are not *allowed*? Hell, he's not *allowed* back into the house until you are.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2979 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

I am a bit different.

There is no way I would open my husband's mail. I would not assume that just because he is my husband, I should be able to get into his mail.

BUT...having said husband has never said that I am not "allowed" to open his mail. That would be a concern to me for sure.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

I open mail that is a bill wit his name on it because I pay our bills. Personal mail I don't, but he wouldn't care.


You can't see bank statements? See his phone?


Those who hide nothing, have nothing TO hide.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

I open all of his mail..always have..he has opened mine too..neither of us have ever had a problem with it.

FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7679 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

When I was married we opened the bills and statements with the other's name on it, if we needed to, and left the personal mail alone.

Stupidly, I trusted now-ex so much that I had stopped looking at the bills. He handled the bill paying, and I was good with that. So at the time of d-day I had no idea of what our financial situation looked like.

Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect

Posts: 12164 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

I am guessing this is about hidden money that he feels you are not "entitled" to. "It's HIS". Been there...for 30 years.

Go into sleuth mode and start thinking of ways to check his banking statements. Does he bank on line? Get the number off his banking card (client card) and start thinking about what he would use for passwords. When you are ready, sign in to that bank with the number on his card and start guessing at passwords.

Failing that, there are forensic lawyers who specialize in finding hidden accounts, but I imagine they are expensive.

I'll bet he has hidden accounts, maybe even at a different bank. Go through his wallet when he is in the shower. Or would you rather spend the rest of your life wondering where your rent money will come from, as you travel by bus to work in your senior years, living on Kraft Dinner?

All privacy rules become invalid when they cheat.

I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.

Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

Yes, he is hiding something

He also has contol issues. He is controlling you.

People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not ....will be divorcing the selfish creep.

Posts: 8384 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

Whether he is hiding something or not, is this the type of marriage you want to be in?
I have always opened mail with my spouses name and he has opened mine.
Not an issue. I have nothing to hide.
If he ever told me "don't open that" I would tell him to go to hell.
I still might for all the other stuff.
Don't give yourself up for his standards.
Even after 30 years you know you deserve better.

I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

Has this prohibition been in place for the past 32 years or is a recent development?

If it's recent, you might want to seriously consider getting your ducks in a row. You need to have a contingency plan in place in case this guy decides to blind-side you......due to his deviousness, he cannot be trusted and you need to protect yourself right now.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8075 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

If I didn't open his mail, his bills would never get paid! I have always had access to everything... that's one of the reasons his A threw me for a loop! Never any of that secretive behavior. And privacy... what's that? WH doesn't even respect the bathroom rule!

BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
Dark Inertia
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

With my ex husband I was always able to open his mail and he open mine. With my fiance now, he hands me his mail to open. He doesn't like dealing with such things, usually bills and credit card offers.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 4:16 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]

"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

Not only was I forbidden to open mail with his name on it, I was forbidden to get the mail from the mail box. If I DARED to get the mail he would raise Holy Hell.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9821 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Getting to Happy
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

Really, you are not *allowed*? Hell, he's not *allowed* back into the house until you are.


Or would you rather spend the rest of your life wondering where your rent money will come from, as you travel by bus to work in your senior years, living on Kraft Dinner?


Seriously. How can a cheating spouse think that they can maintain secrecy/non-transparency after dicking down a stranger?!?

It boggles the mind.

Stick to reality. HE is a cheater and a liar.


Your not a child, your his wife. Does he really think that you would have sex with him but you cannot look at his mail?

Let me re-phrase that...YOUR Mail. Yours and his. Every little thing he does financially is tied to you.


If he makes unilateral decisions, they will directly impact you.

This is why if you were to divorce he would have to pay you back for wining and dining his AP.

And this is why you need access.

Just open the mail. Make copies of everything that is relevant. If he gets angry, too bad for him.

Ignore this controlling nonsensical BS! Do this for your safety.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.

Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

This is a level of control that falls into the abuse category. He controls quite a lot when you aren't allowed to know any of the financials. FTG.

If mine told me that I would tell him he needs a new address then. What a self righteous pig.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8698 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 40393
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Thanks for all your comments. He has become more secretive over the years. I have no access to anything of his. When he told me to NOT open his mail I immediately thought "What are you hiding?" He can look at my bank account (and has access), open all my mail etc. I have nothing to hide. The mail thing started about 10-12 years ago after a financial crash (caused by his bad choices). As my suspicions grew - I found secret email accounts, Ashley madison account etc...then came the OW. I have decided I got use to a "normal" that wasn't normal in a real marriage. He has lied continuously - I'm done. I have hired a good attorney and have all my ducks in a row. Stupid man!!

Me: 50
WH: 50 pro cake-eater, NPD, SA
Married 33 years
D-Days 3-4-12, 8-19-12 (EA, probably PA)porn,ashleymadison, etc, etc
4 sons, 3 daughters
8 grandkids
Divorcing - finally

Posts: 120 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Utah
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Well if he isn't hiding anything then he's over the top controlling IMO.

Different people have different boundaries but I don't think spouses should be keeping correspondence and finances private from one another.

"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7476 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 19