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User Topic: OW lack of apology. Fws opinions welcine
Peanut5
Member
Member # 36051
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

We are two years out. Healing strong Yet the OW who was very close to our entire family has never apologized. Or shown remorse towards us. I'm still trying to wrap my head around that. I know how I would react if I ever hurt someone. Can anyone help me with this? Honest insight please. She appears happily going on in life. She is still young ..,only 22. Is it youth? That generation? Clearly my husband was 100% at fault. I was betrayed double whammie.

Posts: 102 | Registered: Jul 2012
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

It's selfishness and entitlement.

Stop giving her space in you head. She doesn't deserve it.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7761 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
ionlytalkedtoher
Member
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

I don't think she will ever apologize. I don't many OW ever do. They feel entitled to what they stole.

Posts: 264 | Registered: Jul 2013
selkiescot
Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

She hasex with a married man. At the very least it shows she has.....issues. I wouldn't expect and apology from her. It might be guilt, bad manners or just plain dumb assitude. I would move on and not worry about her. She doesn't deserve your thoughts.

[This message edited by selkiescot at 12:08 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1400 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

Without knowing exactly what happened, its hard to say. she was half his age, in many ways a,child still.

Maybe she feels like your H seduced her, so she now hates him. No apology likely. She's glad to hand him back to you.

Maybe she's immature.

Maybe she felt like she loved him and still wants him, combined with your H having told her lies about how he felt toward her. She's then lied to herself to help her rationalize and justify her behavior. Her lies have convinced her she did nothing wrong. Why apologize when you've done nothing wrong? She might think you owe her an apology, since in her mind she thinks she never would have gotten involved with your H if you hadn't been such an insufficient wife, etc.

Maybe it was her first sexual experience, and she is traumatized?

What were the circumstances behind your H deciding to have sex with a 19 year old?


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 953 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Peanut5
Member
Member # 36051
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

Well..she had been a part of the family for 4 years before A. Loads of flirting. Her dad was nonexistent. My H felt like a KISA. Our marriage was rocky. He was angry for years. Issues he finally dealt with after discovery. I think the age was a boost. He says that after the first time he lost all respect for her. When I look back, he was a shell of a man. He knew when this came out, it would end out marriage. When I didn't kick him out, he did some serious inner work. He is no where near the man I married. Nor am I the same. We both needed work. I am still shocked by his methods. But I 100% know the man beside me now would never make the same choices. The age was an ego boost And she gave it easily. She was witness to our marriage struggles and I truly believe she thought our marriage would end and she would have someone to take care of her. I know my H is deeply deeply ashamed and horrified with his behavior

Posts: 102 | Registered: Jul 2012
Peanut5
Member
Member # 36051
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

And it wasn't her first. I don't believe she was traumatized. I look back at myself at that age. I was still wise enough to make better choices. But I do remember also being selfish and lacking the experience of empathy.

Posts: 102 | Registered: Jul 2012
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

Peanut

Maybe in years to come she will mature intona responsible adult. Maybe then she will apologize?

I sincerely hope your husband digsdeep to figure out what possessed him to have intercourse with a person so young at his age.
I never can wrap my head around men in their 40s screwing young 18 19 year old girls.
She is just a child hopefully in time she will get what she was a part of.

I never got an apology from my husbands women.

[This message edited by heartache101 at 7:24 AM, September 8th (Sunday)]


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

I don't think she will ever apologize. I don't many OW ever do.
I find that few people actually apologize for their selfish acts and hurting others. It is not limited to cheaters, though.

Posts: 5760 | Registered: Apr 2006
musiclovingmom
Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

The three I knew and who knew me - OW#1 didn't tell, hasn't apologized and still fishes occasionally. OW#2 - refuses to admit she did anything wrong. Her response is always 'I was being a good friend'. OW#5 - apologized when she outed him for having to tell me this and played the pity card nicely until my H sent her an NC saying she was a mistake and he should have spent all that time and effort on me. Then she got nasty.

Also, honestly, I've decided that an apology wouldn't make it better. Sorry alone does almost nothing when my H says it and the OW aren't likely to be specific about what they are sorry for. Another broken person involved in a fantasy to cure their ails. I've taken to praying for them. Maybe someday they will heal themselves so they don't inflict this pain on another unsuspecting woman.


Posts: 1105 | Registered: Jan 2013
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

My husband had four AP's. Two apologized to me. One it was an apology while she threw my husband under the bus with several lies (she even contradicted herself) and the other seemed sincere but it too was more about her.

But, what I also wonder...has your husband ever apologized to HER? For his part? Would you want him to? It doesn't matter if he wasn't her first, he was still so much older than her. She essentially was still a child. You may not think she's traumatized, but you can't know for sure. You may not think she wasn't hurt, but you don't know. You may not think he manipulated her, but you don't know.

I guess, I have a unique view on this I that my husband tried to become involved with a 19 year old last summer when he was 35. This is what ultimately led to our second epic DDay. He was her boss. (All his AP's were employees). Except this time, this young woman, did NOT accept his advances, and turned him in to HR. My husband was fired for sexual harassment. I never blamed HER but rather my husband. Because HE was the "adult" with more time under his belt. This girl had just graduated high school. It was my husband's responsibility to not go there (or after anyone).

Even if this young woman had given in to my husband, I still wouldn't have blamed her. Who is the adult so to speak?

I know my view may be harsh, but given that this girl had an absentee father, many issues of her own, goodness knows what was going through her head. It doesn't give her a pass by any means at all. However, I wouldn't expect or need an apology from her. Goodness knows how the experience messed with her head, even if you don't think it did. IIRC she was your daughter's friend. I'm sure it had to have some weird impact on her.

I know your husband has changed (as has mine). For me, the fault lies with my husband for even thinking about coming on to a 19 year old girl. I hope, in time, he somehow (through his sponsor, through me) makes amends to her.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Peanut5
Member
Member # 36051
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

His version is that it was a mutual attraction. A sick one at that. He certainly saw his power in it. It was mutually agreed upon to be just sexual. He told her he was not leaving his marriage. He has apologized profusely to her in the past. She did harass us in many ways the last two years. Mostly aimed at myself. I still hold maternal feelings in regards to her. I did care for her and she used that to her advantage.

Posts: 102 | Registered: Jul 2012
Peanut5
Member
Member # 36051
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

Also porn had a lot to do with it. They sent each other a lot of sexual images. None of him. Only of her

Posts: 102 | Registered: Jul 2012
Hrtbrken1
Member
Member # 33802
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

Peanut, I second what Samantha said. So she was 16 when she became close to your family? Still in so many ways a child looking for a father figure. We can't predict how someone will feel in the future, maybe when she's in her 30's something life-changing will happen to her. She'll change, and try to apologize. Or not. Who knows? But it seems this girl is more to be pitied and ignored then to hope for a sudden change of heart. I never got a "real" apology from MOW (who was a friend of the family), just a lot of blameshifting.


Me-BW
Him-WH
Together 16 years, married 10.
DDay 07/26/2011, 8 month EA/PA with friend of our family. Months of TT.
DDay#2 Early spring 2012, confirmed EA with another woman.

Posts: 144 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Sunny South
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

I think in time, and believe me I know it takes time, processing, acceptance, etc. you have to let it go.

You're likely never going to get an apology. If you were to confront (not saying you would) and force it, it would be very insincere. I thought an apology would make me feel better. It didn't. At all. It just made me feel worse.

In theory, if full responsibility were accepted it might, but I'm not counting on it. At this point, I'm just focusing on US. Not THEM. The apologies from my husband I know are sincere. That's what I need anyway in my healing.

It took me some time to get to this point though, and I fully understand that. I think it's a process.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
dayatatime
Member
Member # 17090
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

I got a huge apology from OW while she was fishing and badmouthing my entire family on Facebook. So an apology was more manipulation from her and no guarantee of remorse.


BS 52
WH 55
son 13
ddays 9/27/07 and 9/1/10

Posts: 764 | Registered: Nov 2007
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

An apology from OW is only worth having if it's sincere, unlike the pile of gushy,trite crap I was sent.I had a letter from OW saying "I never meant for this to happen"-yeah right,carry on a LTA with my husband, asking endless favours from him and myself, pushing her way continually into our lives, holiday plans etc (her own friends were starting to avoid her as she was such a pain in the arse to be with and stupid me actually felt slightly sorry for her)but no,never meant for it to happen...And had the gall to say how pleased she was that myself and hubby were making a go of our marriage after I'd asked for a divorce and then agreed to try once more to make it work. He had stopped the affair 5 months prior to my asking for the divorce,(I didn't have a clue about his affair then,just couldn't carry on living with him)-but she still kept on at him,even subtly in front of her BH to ask him to continue.No, never meant for any of it to happen, and pleased we were back together.... Well she got a right royal rollicking by e-mail from me for that pathetic attempt to cover her arse,think she thought if she wrote it I wouldn't cause her any trouble-wrong!!And having spoken to her BH at length after d-day,she has not shown one iota of remorse or guilt about the effects on either myself or her BH,and according to my husband,never ever showed any during the affair.
So,a sincere apology I could have accepted, but an insincere one is just like another slap in the face, and I would rather not have had it at all.Rant over, but still makes my blood boil when I remember what she wrote


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
Peanut5
Member
Member # 36051
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

Thank you all. It's true. I don't think any apology would ever suffice. It's really an explanation I want. Of which I will never get. Her whys. I know his.

Posts: 102 | Registered: Jul 2012
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

One thing that hit me a couple months ago...no explanation will ever make what they did "better" though for a long time I thought it would. Like if I understood why they did it, it would some how make sense.

No explanation will ever make sense or make it "better". That's when I slowly came to a place of acceptance.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
LivinginLimbo
Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

An apology would mean admitting they did something wrong. This is a concept that extremely few OW's can grasp regardless of their age.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1046 | Registered: Mar 2012
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

I got an apology...of course...AP was shaking in his boots when he gave it to me..terrified I was going to out him to his mother,roommates, Hell the whole damned town.

LOL.

FTR, I never would have done that. I knew immediately AP could have been anyone..WH was just looking for ANYONE..and AP was willing and convenient. I put all the blame on WH. I have no hatred for AP..rare..I know. I never would have outted him to his family and friends. But..he didn't know that...LOL.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7679 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Hrtbrken1
Member
Member # 33802
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, September 8th (Sunday)

Limbo, you nailed it. I got a "I'm sorry, butbutbut......". I yelled at my husband, he led her on, blah blah blah. She never saw it as her doing something wrong, so she really had nothing to be sorry for.


Me-BW
Him-WH
Together 16 years, married 10.
DDay 07/26/2011, 8 month EA/PA with friend of our family. Months of TT.
DDay#2 Early spring 2012, confirmed EA with another woman.

Posts: 144 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Sunny South
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

I would wager the vast majority of OWs and OMs do not apologize.

We do emphasize NC, so maybe it would be best, for you, to focus on mental no contact.

Don't give this woman any more of your life. She's taken enough.

ETA: After reading further, I'd call her a "girl" rather than "woman" (and yes, I know the age of consent was past). She was not out of her teens, and had father-abandonment issues. You made her part of your family---and your pushing-40 husband used her to stroke his OWN ego. That was exploitative.

She does bear responsibility for her actions, but I think the focus needs to shift. Your husband chose to get his needs met by a troubled teenager.

THAT is a pretty big issue to explore.

I would not leap to the conclusion that she was not traumatized. If nothing else, she lost the surrogate family you created for her. Yes, indeed---she is responsible for her actions. But the real grown-up--the one who reached majority nearly 20 years prior (as compared to her not-yet-20 years on the planet)--is the one who bears responsibility for making amends to you.

Was she a stupid, fucked-up girl? No doubt.

But I'd bet her experience with your husband only fucked her up more.

I don't think she got off as scot-free as you imagine. If nothing else, she lost the family you'd created for her--and that's a pretty huge loss for a girl with FOO issues like you describe.

I am very, very sorry for your pain. Truly I am. But shift the focus. Strive for mental NC with this girl (with perhaps, first, a prayer that your husband's actions did not damage her more than she already was).

And no. I'm not saying she was blameless. I don't know whether she was or was not. I am saying that married men pushing 40 who choose OWs who are 19 and have daddy issues cause harm--and not just to their wives and children.

[This message edited by solus sto at 1:26 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8838 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

I don't know of an OW who has given a wife an apology...myself or some friends.

OW in Perv's case has made a competition with me and doesn't even know me...stole my life so that I am a shell of a person, and I don't ever expect an apology, no. She feels as if she saved him from me and a horrible fate and she can fix him-no (eta for spelling correction) one can because he doesn't think he has problems.

What I'm learning is that OW who will continually sleep with a married (formerly) family man in the first place, doesn't think in the same way that I do. She actually feels justified in helping him leave his family and the life he worked very hard for. She will and did fight tooth and nail for him, a man she hardly knew and just met, fought to break up a family...and he sees nothing wrong with that of her -that he will admit. For him it's ego and to that I cannot relate.

I wouldn't wait too long for that apology.

I, too, hated OW for a time, but now I feel a sense of pity if anything, because she hooked herself a guy who will sneak out in the middle of the night and who is capable of abandoning children. He's also already cheated on her and lied to "get" her, and she accepts this. What is that?

ETA also that apologies that came from Perv himself were kind of insulting, because they were always done with minimizing anything that was bothering me at the time. No sincerity or real remorse, flat and electronic.

Solo Sto has a great idea and it's something I've done in other areas...shifting the focus of your thoughts can really help. I used to feel that Ow, a/k/a "Fatty B", "stole" Perv...but in a way she can have him and good luck to her. Even if they get married, they have the rest of their lives to know what they did when they look in the mirror to three people who's lives got wrecked for their "happiness". They did not care.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 1:33 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

So she was 16 when she got close to your family. Perfect position for him to groom her.

They agreed it was just sex? How would she even know how that whole deal works at that point?

I've been exactly where she was chronologically. Just had experience with how fucked up adults can be so when he made his move he got quite a different response and risked getting a junkectomy.

I hope she's getting the help she needs. I hope he is too.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

Maybe she felt like she loved him and still wants him, combined with your H having told her lies about how he felt toward her. She's then lied to herself to help her rationalize and justify her behavior. Her lies have convinced her she did nothing wrong. Why apologize when you've done nothing wrong? She might think you owe her an apology, since in her mind she thinks she never would have gotten involved with your H if you hadn't been such an insufficient wife, etc.

This...and the fact that I believe some OW simply don't have the maturity and perspective to understand that marriage is actually a lifetime commitment and all that entails.
In my case OW had already been divorced 2X but said to me "people get divorced all the time".
Her longest M was 7 years. Mine was 17. She obviously has no idea what it takes to stay in a relationship, and didn't think it was a major issue when my WS said he wanted to be with her. He did lie to her, but even after he came clean about wanting to be with me and that we were NOT divorcing-she stuck around and continued to allow him access to her.
His fault for starting it all, of course.
I think that these women who are ok with compromising their morality simply don't understand marriage the way faithful people do.
It's sick.
The only way I would ever expect an apology from OW is if she was in a long term relationship and someone did to her what she did to me.
Maybe not even then.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

After DDay 1 I received no apology from MOW. She told me I had damaged my M before she even got there. She also had no regrets she said.

3 months ago she broke NC with me to scream about why she is up on a cheater site and to take it down or she would take legal action. She went on insulting me even going as far as to say my WH is staying with me because he is afraid I'll commit suicide. I told her I would take the site down and that she and my WH had hurt me very much from their actions. Only at that point did I receive an apology. She said, "well I guess I owe you an apology" Ya think? Her apology came too little too late.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 3:57 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Topic Posts: 27