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Just Found Out
User Topic: He is just a good friend.
ExpatSouth
New Member
Member # 40594
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

I found out a week ago that my wife of nearly two decades had been unfaithful for how long, I don't know.

The most hurtful thing about this is that she went about her life in deceit, making a very good actress in tenderness, holding me close. On the day I confronted her, three hours after we woke, and cuddled in the dark hours, she told me she was moving out.

This guy(older fellow) was supposed to be a "good friend". But the dominoes kept falling over the past few weeks as she spent more and more time with him while I was at work.

When I confronted her about it, she tried to shift the blame to me, that I hadn't been jealous enough. I am not a normally jealous person, putting my trust in someone I love, in the faith that they will remain faithful.

Is this typical passive aggressive behavior from the cheating spouse? Trying to shift the blame in their transgressions.

She's still seeing this guy, and I have proof, just waiting to see if she's going to lie again when we see each other soon.

[This message edited by ExpatSouth at 12:34 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]


Me: 54
WW: 48
Married: 27 years
Kids: 2 Ds, grown.
D-Day : 31 AUG 2013
Divorced: Feb 2014
WS refused MC, wanted divorce. On D-day, WS was loving, kind, warm, cozy in bed-3 hrs before being confronted and telling me she's movi

Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

ExpatSouth))) Welcome here, to the carnival ride you never bought a ticket for -

Check out the Healing Library at the left.

We're here for you man.

Her behaviors are very typical, no doubt about that.
Tell us more (keep posting) - it's a little slow on wknds.

You say; "...when we see each other soon."
Are you S? (Separated)


Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
ExpatSouth
New Member
Member # 40594
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

Yes, separated. Supposed to "talk" soon. But I don't know what that means since any chance at reconciliation begins with contrition, admission of guilt, and promise to end the illicit affair.

I have heard none of that.


Me: 54
WW: 48
Married: 27 years
Kids: 2 Ds, grown.
D-Day : 31 AUG 2013
Divorced: Feb 2014
WS refused MC, wanted divorce. On D-day, WS was loving, kind, warm, cozy in bed-3 hrs before being confronted and telling me she's movi

Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Broken6
Member
Member # 40347
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

Welcome, and I am sorry. In my own instance, yes - at first he did blame me for his entering into the A. I had abandoned him, I did not meet his needs as a wife, he gave me long list of reasons, which I wrote down so I wouldn't forget. Now I want to forget them. I realize that he also abandoned me, and our family. He certainly didn't meet my needs while he was pursuing the OW. He spent alot of time and energy into making his new relationship work, all the peril of ours. I found so much helpful reading material on this site, and after reading it, I became stronger. I went back to him, and was able to say that I took responsibility for what was going on in M before the A, but he got 100% of the blame for the A. This took him aback. He now owns up to it, and we are trying to R. He has owned up to alot of his failures as an honest and good human being. I used to describe him to people as good, honest as the day is long, and intelligent. I can't really use those adjectives anymore - I came up with new ones, not really fit for public. Stay strong, and don't let them transfer blame to you. You are a good person, not the cheater. I think they do it to assuage their guilt. Hugs.


The grass isn't greener on the other side, it is greener where you water it.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Aug 2013
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

I'm sorry she has no remorse.
You can't put it there, or "nice her" back.
Do not accept her attempts to blameshift.
YOU DID NOT CAUSE HER AFFAIR
It was her choice, and her choice only - it has nothing to do with you.

Read the 180 and implement:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

I will also bump some threads for you to read - look for the "target" icons.
Stay strong brother.


Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
ExpatSouth
New Member
Member # 40594
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

Thanks for the advice on The 180.

I probably broke several of these rules in the first hours and days after the affair was exposed. But after the initial shock, no more. I have been pulling back and avoiding contact with her.

It's funny. When she comes by the house for things, there is this unhappy look on her face, and I just lay on the calm voice and even tone. I think the guilt is eating her up.

She came by this week when I was home sick (from lack of sleep)...and proceeded to tell me every detail of her weekend, where she would be. I looked at her and didn't say a word. I think she knew I was saying, "What good is this word salad? I can't believe anything you are saying at this point."

I stayed busy this weekend, and last week, attending two events in town with really awesome people.

It's just the late nights that the darkness comes back, and the loneliness, pain, agony. Not much to do at that point but just "enjoy" the ride, and hope it's going to get better soon.


Me: 54
WW: 48
Married: 27 years
Kids: 2 Ds, grown.
D-Day : 31 AUG 2013
Divorced: Feb 2014
WS refused MC, wanted divorce. On D-day, WS was loving, kind, warm, cozy in bed-3 hrs before being confronted and telling me she's movi

Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

I'm sorry this has happened to you. But I'm glad you found us. Your in good company here. Its a safe place for advice, support, hugs and a kick in the ass when you need it. Bro, there are many of us guys here who have walked in your shoes. It sucks and there is not much you can do about the situation. Yet the only shining ray of light is that you are very much in control of your destiny. I'd suggest seeking help if needed. There is nothing wrong in seeing a pro if this starts to get you to some bad places. And in most cases it does just that. Its best to be proactive rather than reactive when dealing with a WS. Sitting there waiting for her to lob another grenade in your foxhole wont help things. In fact allowing a WS to call the shots is probably the worst thing you can do. While its very natural for a person in your position to just want to wallow in self pity its best to start thinking about what your going to do down the line. Fighting back the depression and sadness can be a unimaginable task. But if you start to takes baby steps in healing yourself now things get better much quicker. As for your WW, she has made her decision and you need to accept that. But that does not mean you have to lay down as she walks all over you.

Affairs thrive in secrecy and they feed off your misery. I have found its better to starve that that fucker to death. Expose the A for what it is. Don't allow her to see you hurting. Even if your dying inside don't give her the satisfaction. You must allow her to live with the consequences of her actions. And if that means to be shamed for being a cheat, so be it. Inform all that need to know. Let people know the truth before she goes out and tells a different story. And trust me at the least she will say that you grew apart and she was not happy for years blah, blah, blah. No mention of her whoring around will be mouthed from her. But if she goes the usual path she is going to make you the bad guy. She will lie and demonize you to no end. And don't think she is beyond making up some rather reputation destroying bullshit to tell the public. Its just it goes with a WS. As I mentioned prior be proactive. See an attorney and get a game plan together. Expose her and her OM for what they really are. Don't take any shit from her either. Be careful when around her. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve. She will just emotionally destroy you if you do. Seek real life help as needed and most of all take care of your health.

Your just starting this wild ride. Its gonna get worse before it gets better. You have to realize that your fighting for your life and well being now. You must act accordingly. Infidelity and its subsequent course must be treated like war. Take no prisoners, show no quarter. Empower yourself by taking control back. When you feel there is not fight left dig down deep. Everyone of us has that last few ounces of reserve strength and energy for a final push. Use it wisely and you will come out of this OK. Welcome brother, please keep posting and reading.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5552 | Registered: Nov 2007
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

What good is this word salad?


That's a good one!

Another one that's good, especially for deflecting blameshifting (& other salad ingredients) is:
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
Then just exit.

Don't beat yourself up for "breaking the rules" - most of us struggle at first.
The key is getting back up on the 180 horse. Ride that sucker to Healedville.

[This message edited by jjct at 8:50 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]


Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

ExpatSouth

Supposed to "talk" soon. But I don't know what that means since any chance at reconciliation begins with contrition, admission of guilt, and promise to end the illicit affair.
I have heard none of that.

Judge her by her actions not on her words. She is full of crap as you can plainly see.

Stronger is right. Expose the Affair to family and friends.

One other thing she will not expect. File for Divorce. Show her that you are strong, have no desire to be with a liar and cheater but most importantly show her that you are separating your life from her infidelity.

Shock her. If she becomes remorseful which I doubt you can always stop the Divorce.

A good friend of mine took all of his wifes clothes, stuffed them in black garbage bags and dumped them at OM's place where she was living.

He left a note "I took out the trash, she all yours now!"

Be strong, life will get better with her or without her.

HM


Posts: 789 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
ExpatSouth
New Member
Member # 40594
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, September 9th (Monday)

I am going to aim to take the high road with her, and show her respect where she shows me none right now. Well, I will attempt to until/if I have to play hard ball. Not going to let her run over me, but will attempt to use the 180's advice to show that I am moving on.

In my state, there is a "cooling off" period after the divorce is filed, wherein both parties have ample time to figure out if they want to go thru with it.

It's been a tough weekend, and I am fortunate to have this forum to vent. In a much better place this morning(1:30AM here) than I was yesterday. But I know the peaks and valleys are sure to lie ahead.

[This message edited by ExpatSouth at 1:35 AM, September 9th (Monday)]


Me: 54
WW: 48
Married: 27 years
Kids: 2 Ds, grown.
D-Day : 31 AUG 2013
Divorced: Feb 2014
WS refused MC, wanted divorce. On D-day, WS was loving, kind, warm, cozy in bed-3 hrs before being confronted and telling me she's movi

Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, September 9th (Monday)

You already received some great advice.

One other thing she will not expect. File for Divorce. Show her that you are strong, have no desire to be with a liar and cheater but most importantly show her that you are separating your life from her infidelity.
^^^This though is a crucial piece of advice that you should really consider. Your Wayward wife is still knee deep in the Affair. Even if you don't file immediately you should meet with a lawyer, or several to see which one you like, to figure out your rights. If you have joint accounts, she is using those funds to supoprt her A, if you have children you need to figure out custody issues, what about the deed to your home if you own, 401k/pension, all things that you will need to discuss at some point down the line. Make a list of questions and take them to a L to discuss your rights.

You can always stop a Divorce but your best chance of coming out of this whole is right now in the beginning when you have her off guard. The longer you wait to file the more comfortable she will be with the staus quo and the bolder she will become. Pack her shit up and put it in a spare bedroom. File and take back control of your life. A side effect of filing may be that she wakes up but she still has shitload of work to do on herself before she is even remotely safe for you again. She hasn't even gone NC with the OM yet. Sending you strength my friend. This shit sucks but you will get through it. One last thing NOTHING YOU DID CAUSED HER TO HAVE AN A. That is 100% on her.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:35 AM, September 9th (Monday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1812 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
ExpatSouth
New Member
Member # 40594
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, September 9th (Monday)

If reconciliation isn't in teh picture, will probably try to mediate, and keep things from getting mean-spirited. If she doesn't want to be with me anymore, I should feel the same.

The initial sting and shock of this is wearing off, and reading the 180 helped greatly. I have followed the advice of the 180 and from friends who've been thru this...to stay busy, get out of the house, especially when the bad memories come back.

There are no child custody(thank goodness) to worry about, just checking accounts, credit cards(all are paid off monthly), 401k/IRAs, the mortgage, a car loans. Doing this as amicable as possible will prevent the scars from getting to awful.

But it remains to be seen. I will act in good faith as long as I have an understanding that we both are on the same page.

I remain sad, surprised, disappointed, but my mind is more clear than a week ago at this time.

[This message edited by ExpatSouth at 9:03 AM, September 9th (Monday)]


Me: 54
WW: 48
Married: 27 years
Kids: 2 Ds, grown.
D-Day : 31 AUG 2013
Divorced: Feb 2014
WS refused MC, wanted divorce. On D-day, WS was loving, kind, warm, cozy in bed-3 hrs before being confronted and telling me she's movi

Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, September 9th (Monday)

Dear Expat

Sorry you found your self here a place no one ever wanted to be.

Please know this is a safe and caring place with people from all walks of life who have dealt with infidelity.

It is a rough journey, a hard journey, a hurtful journey but you can and will come out the other side. You will. We are all here to help you along the way.

I would also suggest an IC for you. You will need help navigating the waters.

Emotions will most likely run high to low for a while (this is very normal) - you have been dealt a blow to your mind, body and soul.

Allow yourself to feel everything you need to feel.

By what little you describe it sounds as if your WW is hoping to get you to "beg" her to come back. She is seeking a response to HER choices and HER behavior.

As hard as it is, sounds as if you are doing great with the 180.

Is she still seeing the OM? Does she want to R? Or is she still hedging her bets at this point?

Keep focusing on you. You can't change her but you change take control of YOU and your life going forward.

Keep posting. Good luck. Prayers and hugs.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1099 | Registered: Apr 2013
ExpatSouth
New Member
Member # 40594
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, September 9th (Monday)

1Faith, she is still seeing OM as far as I can tell. Still not sure if she is interested in R.

Thanks for the kind words.


Me: 54
WW: 48
Married: 27 years
Kids: 2 Ds, grown.
D-Day : 31 AUG 2013
Divorced: Feb 2014
WS refused MC, wanted divorce. On D-day, WS was loving, kind, warm, cozy in bed-3 hrs before being confronted and telling me she's movi

Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, September 9th (Monday)

It may be too early but some here have suggested having D papers drawn up to get her to make a decision. If you do decide to R you don't have to file but some suggest the reality of the papers drawn suddenly shine a whole new light on things.

If she choses the OM at least you can find closure vs. her treating you both like yo-yo's. (sorry, don't mean to be harsh)

Right now she is cakewalking. Wanting you and the OM. Close your bakery.

Do you want to R?

Stay strong. Hugs


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1099 | Registered: Apr 2013
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, September 9th (Monday)

Expat)))<<<those are manhugs, and I want you to know, I mean this in the kindest way,

She is lying, blameshifting, and currently involved with another partner -
is it not already mean-spirited?

Pray for sunshine, sure enough, but right now, it is raining. On you.
The 4 essential things you need for R:
- Remorse
- Transparency
- Honesty
- NC
It doesn't look like you're getting even one of them!
In reality, R isn't in the picture - it might be on the horizon,
as getting a L's advice, separating the finances fairly, and really and actively demonstrating you're moving on with your life
might
wake her up...

In the meantime, you're doing great with the 180, and you are healing.


Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
ExpatSouth
New Member
Member # 40594
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, September 9th (Monday)

In my heart of hearts, I believe in the marriage vows. So, yes, I would want R if it were possible.

But under these circumstances, I have some doubts about R. For one thing, contact with OM was requested, but this request was never addressed - and I pretty much know the request was denied.

A week ago, I was ready to draw up the papers, but we are only a week into this tilt-a-whirl. Don't need to make any permanent decisions yet. I do need to see an attorney just to know my state's options, waiting period, etc.

jjct: Yes, the behavior, blame-shifting is typical acting-out/passive aggressive. I just need to ignore it like you do when children act this way. Wait until she comes to her senses.


Me: 54
WW: 48
Married: 27 years
Kids: 2 Ds, grown.
D-Day : 31 AUG 2013
Divorced: Feb 2014
WS refused MC, wanted divorce. On D-day, WS was loving, kind, warm, cozy in bed-3 hrs before being confronted and telling me she's movi

Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
RyeBread
Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, September 9th (Monday)

ExpatSouth

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. I know this is a very tough time for you and you have gotten some very wise advice.

Sounds like you have embraced the 180 and that is good. Focus on yourself for now. You are priority number 1 at this point.

In regards to keeping things ammicable and keeping the drama to a minimum; you know your situation best. If you feel that is the best course of action then do it. Those of us who have or are going through the same thing want to see you protected. The advice to see a lawyer and heffty bagging her things are to protect you.

It sounds like your WW is still seeing the other man. She may or may not come around to being remorseful. Mine didn't. Just know that she will not have your best interests in mind. It's now that you need to protect yourself. It's hard to put your wife in the "enemy" catagory but she is definitely not a friend. She is selfish and only looking out for herself. Be wise to that and take the steps you need to look out for you.

Keep posting and asking questions. We are here for you.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1018 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
RyeBread
Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, September 9th (Monday)

I just need to ignore it like you do when children act this way.

^^^This is exactly what you are dealing with. Children don't think about consequences of how their behavior affects others. Be wise to this.

Wait until she comes to her senses.

This may not happen. Be prepared for that and stand up for yourself in every discussion or decision you have to make. She is not behaving or thinking rationally. She is in La-La land.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1018 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, September 9th (Monday)

Wait until she comes to her senses.

Put an X on the calendar because this may or may not happen.

I hope she does come to her senses and that she is remorseful and will work with you to build a marriage built on honesty, respect, truth and love.

Love is a decision not a feeling.

Good luck


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1099 | Registered: Apr 2013
Arnold01
Member
Member # 39751
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, September 9th (Monday)

ExpatSouth, I was in your situation not long ago, so I'm sorry that you find yourself in this spot. You've gotten a lot of good advice already, and I'll echo the other comments about the 180. Do it - it'll help tremendously.

Where I might have a different perspective from other posters is that I didn't file for D or make any big moves immediately. As much as I thought about taking those steps, I knew that I could play that card at any point. And I was feeling so emotionally up and down that I couldn't trust my own feelings - one day wanting to stick with the 180 and see if he'd come around, the next day wanting to end the marriage. It was hard to know what I was really feeling, so I chose to not make any big decisions right way. The point is that you're in control, so don't forget that and let that empower you to make whatever decisions are right for you (or hold off on big decisions if that's your choice).

In my case, fWH came around and after two months of sort of ending things / sort of not with the MOW, he chose to cut her off completely. So far, so good... Wishing you all the best. Lots of hugs!


D-Day: June 2013 discovered two-month EA/PA
NC established: August 2013
Reconciling

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jul 2013
ExpatSouth
New Member
Member # 40594
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, September 9th (Monday)

Arnold1, I am in the same boat. Need to process the event before making any lasting decisions. So much that I don't know right now, and I keep expecting some "new" surprise.

Being vengeful, throwing her stuff in the street, that doesn't serve any purpose for me, and only makes the process of R or the process of a final separation(divorce) even more unlikely.


Me: 54
WW: 48
Married: 27 years
Kids: 2 Ds, grown.
D-Day : 31 AUG 2013
Divorced: Feb 2014
WS refused MC, wanted divorce. On D-day, WS was loving, kind, warm, cozy in bed-3 hrs before being confronted and telling me she's movi

Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, September 9th (Monday)

I just want to say that you seem to be doing very well; good for you. We all know how completely horrible this time is. I also need to say that not being jealous enough is a really bad reason to throw out there. Yikes!

Take your time. Take care of yourself. Let us help you.

You'll get through this.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1698 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
ExpatSouth
New Member
Member # 40594
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, September 9th (Monday)

Update: She wants to get together for coffee later in the week to talk. I will study up on the 180 in the next few days.

Will listen, but agree to nothing. I want to see contrition, some sense of remorse, and the vow to cut off contact with OM. Even then, I don't know if I want R. I would have to think about it. Long and hard.


Me: 54
WW: 48
Married: 27 years
Kids: 2 Ds, grown.
D-Day : 31 AUG 2013
Divorced: Feb 2014
WS refused MC, wanted divorce. On D-day, WS was loving, kind, warm, cozy in bed-3 hrs before being confronted and telling me she's movi

Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, September 9th (Monday)

(((hugs))) I''m glad that you''re going to be able to get together to talk. Before that talk, I would suggest that you start thinking of some if/then scenarios, rehearse them and your response mentally, and be ready to trot them out if needed. Examples might be:

If she shows remorse, tells you that she'' made a huge mistake, and wants to come back home, then you tell her that you need complete transparency, a NC letter that you will jointly write and send, and her to attend counseling to get to the bottom of why infidelity was seen as an acceptable option for her.

If she says that she''s sorry, wants to come back home, but can''t or won''t write that NC letter (or follow any of the above), then you tell her that that isn''t good enough for you and that you should stay separated for a month to think about things.

If she tells you that she has no intention of coming back or of not seeing the OM, then you tell her that its time to separate your finances, and set up a date to go over that. Then get to the bank immediately, cancel all joint credit cards, open an account with your name on it only, and transfer 1/2 of the money in the joint account into your account. Then stop your direct deposit and only deposit "your" money into your account. And then see a lawyer before the finance talk to find out what your legal obligations and rights are.

If she shows up with the OM and tells you to f-off, you leave, see your lawyer, do the above, change the locks on your house, and file for divorce to start the clock ticking.

You get the idea. Because you want to walk into this meeting looking and feeling strong (no matter how much you may have to fake it), and having thought through a variety of options and consequences. Stuff that you can live with. Weakness is not attractive and this is not a time to be weak. You don''t have to be mean, cruel, or unkind, but you DO have to look out for YOUR interests. Because the person that is wearing your WW''s skin is not your wife it''s a pod-person with little to no concern about you right now. That''s just the nature of the beast at this point. Strategic thinking.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4557 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, September 9th (Monday)

When you don't file when the affair is disclosed and your wife leaves, it sends a message that you probably wish to reconcile. This puts your WW in a position of strength; in spite of her treacherous betrayal you want the marriage to continue.

It gives her the courage to cake eat; to continue the affair while she has the security of the marriage as a fall back option. She can take her time bargaining with you for a possible reconciliation, while enjoying the OM's romance and attention.

Here's some advice; when you meet for coffee present her with divorce documents. Tell her you're moving on with your life; sad that the marriage is ending but looking forward to a brighter future. It take away your WW's option to cake eat at her leisure and forces her to make decisions.

You emerge looking like a confident, strong, decisive guy who won't take any more of this adultery garbage. As others have said its a bargaining ploy; you can always withdraw the motion at a later date if you see true remorse.


Posts: 1689 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Dagny07
Member
Member # 16928
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, September 9th (Monday)

((Expat)) You haven't said if the OM is married/in a relationship. If he is, then the BS (Betrayed Spouse) should be told.

I was kept in the dark for a year and a half (A YEAR AND A HALF), knowing something was wrong, not knowing that 3 other people (the 2 cheaters and the BH) were making choices FOR me behind my back.

Kindness? Nope. Cowardice. Deceit.


Me:BW Him: FWH E/A
M: 29 years, together 36 : both guilty of PAs 20+ years ago
CDay#1 Oct 06 (false); DDay#2 Oct 07 (truth from OW's BH)
R: Tenaciously optimistic

Posts: 829 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Midwest
ExpatSouth
New Member
Member # 40594
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, September 9th (Monday)

OM has been divorced for years. And for those who are urging me to hand over divorce papers, it's been a week. I don't think I could get papers drawn up in that time.

Just going to sit back and listen and not say much. Paraphrasing the 180, listen to what she's REALLY saying, not the word salad coming out of her mouth.


Me: 54
WW: 48
Married: 27 years
Kids: 2 Ds, grown.
D-Day : 31 AUG 2013
Divorced: Feb 2014
WS refused MC, wanted divorce. On D-day, WS was loving, kind, warm, cozy in bed-3 hrs before being confronted and telling me she's movi

Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, September 9th (Monday)

Dear Pat,

Make sure you meet with her in a public place and if possible take a recorder to protect yourself from her making allegations of abuse on your part.

Divorce is war and things get really nasty when the WS realizes their new life isn't going to be so cushy.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6451 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
2long
New Member
Member # 10570
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, September 9th (Monday)

Okay, so she left you 2 have an affair with an older divorced philandering jackass?

And she wants 2 meet you for coffee?

You said you want 2 work with a mediator and keep things amicable. Remember that part about her leaving you 2 have an affair with the philandering jackass? You can't be amicable while this is going on. The OM will be advising her and she will be listening 2 that advice because she wants 2.

IF you insist on working with a mediator, make an appointment for the time she wants 2 meet for coffee and let her "talk" there.

But there are 2 better strategies:

Number A: Meet with a lawyer and draft up a legal separation agreement for her 2 sign over coffee. Before coffee, close all joint accounts and protect yourself financially.

Letter 2: Don't meet for coffee. Tell her you have no desire 2 talk 2 her again until she's ended her affair and is willing 2 do whatever it takes 2 convince you that she's remorseful and wants 2 fix the mess she's created. Then, make her live on her own for a month 2 prove she's sincere.

-ol' 2long


Posts: 20 | Registered: May 2006 | From: So. Cal
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

From a female perspective it might be useful to gauge what your wife could be looking for from this coffee meeting. You have implied that you will be calm and measured in your questions and responses; a logical, calm approach to an attempted resolution to this crisis.

I would bet your wife is looking for emotion; anger, pain, even tears as you passionately demand answers to this betrayal. This, in her way of thinking, shows her you care; because you are obviously deeply hurt and therefore must love her.

If however you are cold, hostile or otherwise unemotional and withdrawn, then she might deduce that you probably don't care for her or the marriage and she did the correct thing in leaving. The coffee meeting will therefore reassure her of that.

The above is worth considering as you formulate your approach to the upcoming discussion. I suppose its part of trying to guess just what your wife's expectations are. Is she trying to to find out if there is anything left in the marriage [hence a hoped for emotional response]; or is she there to deliver the coup de grace?


Posts: 1689 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Warninglight
New Member
Member # 40507
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

In many places cooling off periods are greatly reduced or even eliminated in cheating cases.

Are you in quebec?


WIfe email EA. DDay 03-0-2013 758A OM was a half literate hillbilly ex.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: E US
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

My wife did the same ! Cheated with no remorse and never looked back not even a glance after 18 yrs. so I feel the pain. I wish you the best but I want to tell you that my stbxw asked me to dinner and I got so excited like a sucker! Then I asked why ? What do we think will be the outcome? She said " an amicable divorce". I told her to f--k off divorce and amicable are not in same dictionary! But that is me and my story. Hopefully yours is happy. Stay strong! All the best !


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 603 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
ExpatSouth
New Member
Member # 40594
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

Just an update after all these months.

I filed for divorce the week after I discovered the affair, if only to show her that I was serious. She never left this guy.

I got some really good advice from a trusted friend. He said that a year from now, the biggest question you want answered is : Did I show her respect?

I followed his advice, kept things on the numbers and out of the emotions, and it helped me navigate the agreement.

The divorce was final about a month ago.

Now she wants to go to dinner, telling me that it's "hard to let go of someone you've lived with for 20 years".

I want to tell her: You didn't love me enough to stay married to me, so why is it so hard to let go now? Unreal, huh?


Me: 54
WW: 48
Married: 27 years
Kids: 2 Ds, grown.
D-Day : 31 AUG 2013
Divorced: Feb 2014
WS refused MC, wanted divorce. On D-day, WS was loving, kind, warm, cozy in bed-3 hrs before being confronted and telling me she's movi

Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

Why would you want to go to dinner with someone who doesn't respect you, lied to you, risked exposing you to STD's, and didn't respect your marriage?

I'd rather eat alone.


k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6451 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

Now she wants to go to dinner, telling me that it's "hard to let go of someone you've lived with for 20 years".
Sounds like things aren't so great or as great as she thought they would be with OM.

I guess I should ask, is she still with the OM?

Oddly, if she is with the OM, and she is asking you out to dinner, I wonder if she has told the OM she asked you out?


Posts: 3509 | Registered: Jun 2002
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

Expat

Go have dinner but I doubt you will ever get the answer to "Why" nor remorse for her horrible choices.

You will most likely walk away feeling "disappointed" in someone that you love and respected.

The two qualities she has failed to show you.

Speaking from experience I walked away and never looked back.

My future was in front of me. Yours is too!

Glad you were able to be decisive and keep the emotions out of the divorce.

I am sure it has not been easy but you are already on your way to a better, brighter future.

Thanks for your update.

HM


Posts: 789 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
ExpatSouth
New Member
Member # 40594
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Sounds like things aren't so great or as great as she thought they would be with OM.
I guess I should ask, is she still with the OM?

Oddly, if she is with the OM, and she is asking you out to dinner, I wonder if she has told the OM she asked you out?

Craig2001: I don't think OM is anywhere in the same universe as I am in regards to empathy and warmth. He's a horse trainer, rough around the edges, she met him when she took horseback riding lessons. Always just said he was "just a friend".....said friend kept asking her about her marriage, I could tell he coached her along the way to leave. But she had the choice to stay or go.

I have decided that silence is the best response because I really don't want to dig up the hurt and the pain I've been trying to negotiate over these past 7 months.

Truth be told, she can't hold on to the few vestiges of our marriage that she treasures, treating this like a cafeteria plan. And I can't be her friend. I used to be her confidant, the person she shared her deepest thoughts with....but I have credible evidence that she betrayed even these thoughts with her friends and her sister. She shared way too much, twisted way too much to make herself out to be the "victim" in all of this.


Me: 54
WW: 48
Married: 27 years
Kids: 2 Ds, grown.
D-Day : 31 AUG 2013
Divorced: Feb 2014
WS refused MC, wanted divorce. On D-day, WS was loving, kind, warm, cozy in bed-3 hrs before being confronted and telling me she's movi

Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
ExpatSouth
New Member
Member # 40594
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Expat
Go have dinner but I doubt you will ever get the answer to "Why" nor remorse for her horrible choices.

You will most likely walk away feeling "disappointed" in someone that you love and respected.

The two qualities she has failed to show you.

Speaking from experience I walked away and never looked back.

My future was in front of me. Yours is too!

Glad you were able to be decisive and keep the emotions out of the divorce.

I am sure it has not been easy but you are already on your way to a better, brighter future.

Thanks for your update.

HM

HM: It was a very hard road for me to keep things out of the emotional realm. I endured a lot of slings and arrows along the way, petty demands, spiteful comments, accusations. It was very hard to resist responding because I really didn't want anything to impede the course of events....I wanted the divorce to be final, to finally escape from this loveless marriage, and living with a crazy woman and her schemes.

So now it's really curious that she's still hanging on to the good old days. This was not the 1st time she had left, she moved out three years ago, but moved back after three weeks, ostensibly to try to save our marriage. And I worked hard to rebuild and revive that marriage. But when she left the 2nd time, it was like she wanted to turn the clock back three years and discount all of the blood, sweat and tears I had endured to make a better marriage.

So I don't really know what she wants now. Have her cake and eat it too? Not gonna happen.


Me: 54
WW: 48
Married: 27 years
Kids: 2 Ds, grown.
D-Day : 31 AUG 2013
Divorced: Feb 2014
WS refused MC, wanted divorce. On D-day, WS was loving, kind, warm, cozy in bed-3 hrs before being confronted and telling me she's movi

Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Uhtred
Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Just because I'm a spiteful bastard I'd go have dinner with her and record the conversation. When the meal was over I'd get up and leave her with the bill. After all she asked you out.

If she shows any remorse or apology I'd send a copy to all those that she's told twisted lies to about you. I'd get on my high horse and ride off into the sunset. Just saying!


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 541 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Jduff
Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

Now she wants to go to dinner, telling me that it's "hard to let go of someone you've lived with for 20 years".

I would tell her "First, go to some IC sessions to figure out why you feel it's hard to let go, and why you left in the first place. Then we go to dinner and you can tell me about it."

Otherwise, this is just some pity party session for her to get sympathy from you. Until she owns her shit, what else is worth hearing from her? Nada...


Me- BS (44)
WW (41)
DS - 9, 12
M - 16yrs

Divorced - 5/23/14


Posts: 397 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
ExpatSouth
New Member
Member # 40594
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

I would tell her "First, go to some IC sessions to figure out why you feel it's hard to let go, and why you left in the first place. Then we go to dinner and you can tell me about it."

Otherwise, this is just some pity party session for her to get sympathy from you. Until she owns her shit, what else is worth hearing from her? Nada...

Good advice, Jduff. As much as I try to find the right response, I keep returning to no response at all. Because she doesn't deserve it, and since she has never shown an ounce of remorse(or at least told me so), I'm not going to forget about the hurt and the pain she inflicted on me and the kids.


Me: 54
WW: 48
Married: 27 years
Kids: 2 Ds, grown.
D-Day : 31 AUG 2013
Divorced: Feb 2014
WS refused MC, wanted divorce. On D-day, WS was loving, kind, warm, cozy in bed-3 hrs before being confronted and telling me she's movi

Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Revenge  Posted: 10:28 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

Silence speaks volumes.

Every action has a reaction; every action has a consequence.

Too little, too late on her part.

Move forward and don't look back.

Good for you and here's to your future happy.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1099 | Registered: Apr 2013
Jduff
Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

As much as I try to find the right response, I keep returning to no response at all.

You never really do have to follow through on that dinner. But if she actually does take your advice, she would eventually have to face the truth. You know that's going to hurt her as much as she hurt you, if not more. Who knows, maybe her conscious bothers her enough she has to tell everyone she had gaslighted along the way of her awful truth of her A.

But then, that's her problem.

Time to heal you. Do what you feel serves YOU best to bring inner peace.


Me- BS (44)
WW (41)
DS - 9, 12
M - 16yrs

Divorced - 5/23/14


Posts: 397 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

Sounds as if life with the horse trainer is beginning to pall. Now she is looking back at her marriage with you and wondering if she made the right choice.

I think having dinner with her sends a message that you are willing to be friends, which you are not. Just don't reply.


Posts: 1689 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
ExpatSouth
New Member
Member # 40594
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, March 28th (Friday)

You never really do have to follow through on that dinner. But if she actually does take your advice, she would eventually have to face the truth. You know that's going to hurt her as much as she hurt you, if not more. Who knows, maybe her conscious bothers her enough she has to tell everyone she had gaslighted along the way of her awful truth of her A.

But then, that's her problem.

Time to heal you. Do what you feel serves YOU best to bring inner peace.

JDuff: During all of this, I wanted to show my kids(both of them adults - daughters, 28 and 26) that I was the better person. I have never uttered a single negative thing to them about their Mom, but I have good reason to suspect that she has gone out of her way to try to poison my r'ship with my kids. And that is something that I don't think she knows.....she hasn't a clue about how much I have gleaned from just reading her emails (she was stupid enough to never change her Gmail password and I followed every little sinister thing that she was trying over the course of 6-7 mos....a blessing and a curse)

I think my conscious efforts to be the better person have paid dividends. I am closer to my daughters now than I have ever been, and we don't have the constant tension of their Mom's craziness casting a pall on our relationship.

Just became a grandfather for the 1st time, and though this is not how I envisioned it (I always looked as us growing old together and doting on grandkids in the back yard), I am still enjoying becoming closer to my daughter, son-in-law, and my new grandbaby.

The only time I ever involved my kids in this was on D-Day + 2, when ex-wife had told me she was staying with my oldest daughter, and I drove 50 miles to her house on a Saturday night just to prove that ex was not telling the truth. I apologized profusely to my daughter, and told her that I would never drag her into this awful mess again.


Me: 54
WW: 48
Married: 27 years
Kids: 2 Ds, grown.
D-Day : 31 AUG 2013
Divorced: Feb 2014
WS refused MC, wanted divorce. On D-day, WS was loving, kind, warm, cozy in bed-3 hrs before being confronted and telling me she's movi

Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 46