SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
General
User Topic: in need of something... anyone wanna slap me upside the head?
jasonguitarboy
Member
Member # 22939
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

Welcome to my pity parade... feel free to hit me with a 2x4 or whatever.

I feel like I'm laying on the ground wounded and WW is just going about life like its every day. I feel like I'm waiting for something from her but she's not offering anything. I'm down and sad. Feel I can't trust her..... don't even bother tracking her shit anymore since she needs to know about everything I do or use to track her shit. Just seems pointless...

I see her sexy shoes, pretty face, dressed up and looking good... all things I loved about her... and see them as tools for her to attract other men. A sweet torture indeed. The things you love turned against you... made to be implements of torture. I hate it.

I want her touch so bad but at the same time I find it painful... full of questions and images. Where is that girl I met? The one who thought I was so awesome. The one who made me feel like she worshipped me. The one who made me feel like a mans man. Where is she? Where did she go?

I'm so tired of the alpha male attitude she has to put off. The control she needs. Knowing that if I take a stand against her aggression she'll just attack.

This isn't to say she's made no efforts. She has really toned down her temper, she is much easier to get along with. We have more good times lately... I'm also down and hurting a lot.

Maybe I just needed to get this out there. I really don't know what I'm looking for. Am I just feeling sorry for myself? Is it because we are slowly approaching the one year mark of discovery? I don't freakin know. This wasn't supposed to happen again.


What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.....right?
"And there's a change, that even with regret, cannot be undone."
"No one plans to take the path that leads us lower..."
Me-BS 35
Her-WS 32 (surviving1979)

Posts: 189 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: nowhere
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

These feelings seem pretty normal. I don't think you need a 2x4, I think you need to give yourself some slack. You had your world nuked. You are justified in feeling distrustful.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 617 | Registered: May 2013
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

Jason,

Regretfully, I am reasonably sure that right now is the new status quo. And you don't like it.

At this point, right now, you have to work on you. If you don't get yourself to the point that you can choose to stay in this marriage or not, you will continue in this pain.

Nothing you describe shows surviving doing any deep work on herself. Just superficial. And you have legitimate fears if you think that this can happen yet again.

That is the extent of my 2x4---work on you. Work to decide....I mean REALLY decide....if this is what you are willing to live with.

Sorry that you are hurting.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2002 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
jasonguitarboy
Member
Member # 22939
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

Thanks, JB, deciding to stay and have this happen again in the future is my biggest fear. I don't want to waste anymore time. If I had a gaurantee that would be one thing. I expected to see much more effort on her part and, in her defense, she does have some very deep wounds of her own to deal with... I just don't know if I'm willing to let everything slide because she has scars too... I feel cold saying that. I care that she has these issues, I don't want her hurting... but I need to see a difference. Idk anymore dude.


What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.....right?
"And there's a change, that even with regret, cannot be undone."
"No one plans to take the path that leads us lower..."
Me-BS 35
Her-WS 32 (surviving1979)

Posts: 189 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: nowhere
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

I care that she has these issues, I don't want her hurting... but I need to see a difference

Yes, you do.
I *cared* about my stbx's issues also....it led me down the road of giving him *passes* on his shitty behavior that he didn't deserve.

You say that she's toned down her anger and that she's easier to get along with now. But did these things happen because she's worked to *understand* where these issues spring from or is she just 'white-knuckling' it, kwim? Like, instead of her *getting herself* and becoming a person that 'wants' to be a good wife, she's only more nice now because "'jasonguitarboy' gets all moody and shit when I'm mad so I better check myself"? From the tone of your post, it sounds like the latter....

I'm so tired of the alpha male attitude she has to put off. The control she needs. Knowing that if I take a stand against her aggression she'll just attack.

You are not describing a marriage partnership here. You are describing a dictatorship where you have no voice. (TBH, she sounds like a bully)

jb is right. Take a good hard look at your life and relationship as it is today and ask yourself if *this* is how you want to spend the rest of your life. If it isn't, then it will be up to YOU to direct your own course........


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7706 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 5