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Reconciliation
User Topic: Purpose of 180 during R?
ccw82
Member
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

So I've read about doing the 180, and how it's supposed to help the BS work on themselves to detach from the WS.

My question is, how do we correctly balance the 180 if we are also trying to R? Is 180 just temporary, or is it supposed to be a lifelong change for the BS so that we are never left vulnerable to being hurt that badly ever again?

I guess I'm just a little confused, so any advice or information is welcomed and appreciated!


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
standingonmarble
Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

I will throw this out there, any time your WS starts to backtrack, thereby hurting you, that is the time to back off and protect yourself from anymore bulls&*t. Don't think of it as a weapon to snap them back into reality. Use it when you start losing sight of yourself, find yourself giving into the insanity of a WS during their healing from the A or any other time you find yourself wondering what just happened.

I always thought of the 180 as a new lifestyle, one that keeps the focus on yourself, making sure that your needs are taken care of, learning to love yourself.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 738 | Registered: Feb 2011
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

I had the same question when I first heard about it, and when I posted someone said that it is best used for unrepentant, foggy or spouses who are not totally on board.

While having a healthy sense of self is also important for the rest of us, if you have a repentant spouse who is giving 100 percent, I can't see where it is needed.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, September 9th (Monday)

My question is, how do we correctly balance the 180 if we are also trying to R?
I feel that the 180 is highly overprescribed on SI and members are often confused, thinking that if they are a BS they should be implementing this.

I feel that 180 should be reserved for a select few, in the case where the WS is NOT on board for R, not remorseful, possibly still involved with the OP, but the BS feels desperate to save the M in spite of this. In such cases, the 180 can help the BS come to realize that life can and will go on whether they remain with the WS or not.

it's supposed to help the BS work on themselves to detach from the WS.

It is absolutely counterproductive to R, if the WS is actually remorseful, but at the same time the BS is making an effort to "detach."

If you both want R, you should be moving closer together, communicating more, not detaching or doing the 180.


Posts: 5764 | Registered: Apr 2006
hopefullromantic
Member
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, September 9th (Monday)

I just wanted to reiterate what bionic gal stated. If the WS is remorseful and working hard at R then there is no need for the 180. It is only to be used when the WS is not fully committed to R, or is doing some major backsliding and only doing minimal work.

I often see it used here for seemingly minor offenses, which I believe is counterproductive to R. If the 180 is overused it will lose its impact with the WS and just prepare both the BS and the WS for divorce.


It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1787 | Registered: Oct 2007
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, September 9th (Monday)

I feel that the 180 should never be used when one is reconciling.

The 180 is used to detach emotionally from a WS that isn't remorseful or just not willing to do the work needed to heal the marriage. It is used so the BS can get stronger and stronger and do what is needed to protect themselves. (separation, divorce, whatever)

However, there are some of the 180 that we should all use no matter what. Numbers 11, 12, 20, 22, 23, 25 and 26 are some, there might be a few more.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9844 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, September 9th (Monday)

What SMS said, it is not to be used when R is on the table with a remorseful spouse.

Having said that, there is a place for a BS to back up and learn how to heal themselves and let the WS do the work. I think sitting back and not fully committing to R is not always a bad thing. If your WS is known for lying and not doing what they say, making them prove themselves with actions for a period of time is not a bad thing.

I don't feel this is the same thing as the 180 though.

CC, taking time to focus on you and what you need to heal is a good thing, doesn't mean you stop communicating.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5094 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, September 9th (Monday)

*sits on bench next to SM and TG*


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6569 | Registered: Jan 2011
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, September 9th (Monday)

My question is, how do we correctly balance the 180 if we are also trying to R?

You don't. You have to be all in if you want to R. There may be some things you should do that are similar to things in the 180, depending on circumstances, but that is only coincidental, a part of living a healthy life. There are also many similarities between the 180 and passive aggressive, but that does not make them the same thing, any more than 4 wheels makes a lawn mower a Formula 1.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, September 9th (Monday)

There are also many similarities between the 180 and passive aggressive, but that does not make them the same thing

So true. What I have seen is that when a person gets healthy, a natural 180 will take place when the relationship is not healthy. The healthy spouse does not have to ask how to do it, they instinctively know that what is happening is not healthy anymore and they back away. Boundaries are put in place and are either followed or not. The 180 is not done to get a response or a reaction. It is done to protect oneself. This is not conducive to R.

I have seen healthy 180's done rarely, and when they are done, it is not passive aggressive in the least. Many are. The person doing it, needs to be about getting healthy.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5094 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, September 9th (Monday)

Double post

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 12:39 PM, September 9th (Monday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, September 9th (Monday)

any time your WS starts to backtrack, thereby hurting you, that is the time to back off and protect yourself from anymore bulls&*t.
This is what I use it for during R, as my WH still hasn't been the most remorseful candidate.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, September 9th (Monday)

What Rebreather said.

I understand that some tactics that are critical for R look like some of the 180 stuff. When I have an issue with my W, I have to figure out what I want, and I have to communicate about the issue. That sounds a lot like the focusing on oneself that is so important to the 180.

But in the 180, that's it - I devise my own resolution, and my W can comply or leave. In R, after focusing on myself, I then work with my W to come up with a resolution that works for both of us.

The focusing on oneself in R has, IMO, a way different purpose that focusing on myself in the 180.

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:59 PM, September 9th (Monday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10430 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
ccw82
Member
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, September 9th (Monday)

Thank you all so much for your response! This whole time is very confusing...it's difficult to know what to do. I appreciate everyone taking time to give feedback and clarify this for me.


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
hopefullromantic
Member
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

I think the bottom line is that the WS may say they are in R, but actions speak louder than words. If the WS is not actively in R, then you, as a couple are not technically in R either, as it takes two. That is when you do the 180.


It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1787 | Registered: Oct 2007
Topic Posts: 15