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User Topic: Trouble in paradise. Help talk me thru this....
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 3:23 AM, September 9th (Monday)

So, this new guy is wonderful to me. He puts me first, treats me well, respects me, but I am having issues I need to talk thru here.

1. He is a poor college student (full time) without a job and so he does not have much money to do anything. He has put in a few applications but nothing yet. He was military for 5 years and is thinking of trying to re-enlist (he wants to afford a home and also to help me out from time to time which is really sweet ) but not sure the military will be a real option.

2. He owes his grandma $9K and has moved back with her to help pay it off (and have somewhere to live while in school). He was living with his buddy but his buddy lost his home so he had to move out. We aren't quite at the moving in together permanently stage for several reasons yet so.... He is paying down his debt to his gma thru his school money and also by working off some of it (he is giving her the $300 per month he was paying his buddy). Gma is very controlling. She raised him. He is somewhat afraid of her he admits, but doesn't really know why, not physically but she is the matriarch of the family.

So, he isn't allowed to spend the night here anymore . All summer we spent a LOT of time together and when DD was at her dad's he actually stayed here those 4 weeks. We were both extremely happy with that arrangement...he is easy to be with and we get along great.

But now DD is home, school has started, and he has to start paying down his debt to gma so since he lost his buddy's place he moved in with gma.

Now, in order for me to be "allowed" to spend the night with him at his gma's ...I have to let her get to know me and hang out at her house and jump thru whatever hoops hoping she approves of me and damn it...I'm 50 years old. I'm done jumping thru hoops. I've met the rest of his family and gone to see his other gma in the hospital and had lunch with his mom and gave his sister my old baby mattress and I've been doing the family thing and they all like me, I don't have a problem with getting to know his family because if we stay together they will be my family also, but this jumping thru hoops and having to get his gma's permission before we can spend the night together makes me feel 15 years old and it also feels degrading to me.

Honestly, at this age, I am done jumping thru hoops. I don't do it for my parents anymore either. I do what I want to do because I'm an adult. Sometimes they don't like it but they deal with it because they love me and I'm an adult.

I'm having problems with this. I miss laying in his arms all night. I miss waking up with him beside me. I NEED those weekends together again when my DD is at her dads and we can be together. Last 2 weekends he has been going home by 11 o clock and I am here alone. He has to live by her rules if he is staying with her...but WTF?

I'm kind of losing respect for him. I know he is in a tough situation and he owes her a lot (she has also supported him thru some rough times) but I don't know how to balance this. I feel myself pulling away emotionally from him. I can't do this for the next 2 years. It is painful to me and I have cried way too much and I feel myself shutting down emotionally and starting to think I am better off single again.

p.s We went from spending almost 24/7 together during the summer to now, when I only see him for a few hours a few days a week and then during the day on Fri, Sat and Sun. And now he is back with family and in that area of town, they are all wanting him to help around their homes (his dad, his aunt, his gma, etc...)so that time will even lessen some.....

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 3:36 AM, September 9th (Monday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 4:33 AM, September 9th (Monday)

How old is he?

That being said, "My roof, my rules." While her rules may seem unreasonable, they are her rules and he is living with her.

Unfortunately, you may need to put up with this until he has the means to afford a place of his own. Is spending the night together that important?

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29611 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
monarchwings
Member
Member # 39891
Default  Posted: 4:53 AM, September 9th (Monday)

I'd have a problem with this too.

He's a grown man without a job. I get that he's a student, but he is not a 19 year old student. He needs to be looking for a job as his job outside of school. Finding a job is work. What is his methodology for looking for a job. He should be out networking, trying to find job search teams. Finding companies he wants to get into. Trying to find contacts inside of the company. Calling them and asking if they can present his resume to the hiring manager. Hitting the career counselor's office monthly and developing a relationship with those folks, seeking out recruiters, trying to find a job as a waiter. Its a numbers game and he should have a weekly goal. There are chuches who have job ministries th as t can provide guidance and support. He should be reaching out to his military network. Looking them up on LI and networking with them.

How he handled the job search would be a key factor in my respect for him. It demonstrates his ambition in life. A job is not going to magically pop up when he graduates. Ops don't get executed without planning? Buy him the highly effective job search book.

Putting in a few applications is just not enough. Student or not..

Gently..do you ever get the vibe he is looking.for someone to take care of him? How old is this guy? How often is he going out?


Posts: 96 | Registered: Jul 2013
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, September 9th (Monday)

I get that she doesn't want a stranger in her house, but I don't get why he doesn't just come stay with you when you don't have your daughter..? What am I missing?

Seems to me like he needs to manage his relationship with gma better, and you need to manage your expectations of the sitatuion until he gets it worked out.

What are his job prospects like? Will he be done with school soon? Does he have contacts and connections and leads?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13748 | Registered: Jul 2011
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, September 9th (Monday)

He is 30. He just got out of the military 2 years ago and then started back to school.

Is spending the night together that important?
It wasn't before we got in the habit over the summer, but now it is. I miss it terribly and it was one of the ways we built up a strong bond/connection....that is when we spent a lot of time just talking intimately, plus my love language is touch....I wake up a lot during the night and just having him there next to me was really, really nice. Also, we both have PTSD and we sleep better and more deeply when we are together.

He's a grown man without a job. I get that he's a student, but he is not a 19 year old student.
Yes, he does need to figure something out here. I think he may need to go out of town to find something...we live in a small town with very limited options (fast food, liquor stores, or the casino.) He has applied at all of them except the fast food ones (which is where he worked before the military)
.He should be reaching out to his military network. Looking them up on LI and networking with them.
Okay....that is an idea he hasn't tried either. He has gone thru the veterans affairs coordinator at school but I don't believe he has looked at that network....

Gently..do you ever get the vibe he is looking.for someone to take care of him?
I have thought about this, but actually he wants to take care of me and my family. He helps out financially when he is able and he gets terribly upset when he has to borrow money for something (he always pays back promptly). It makes him real happy to be able to give me gas money sometimes and last month he paid for my oil change. He is feeling bad about himself for not being able to support himself and me well and that is what made him think lately about looking into going back into the military. Also, when he applied at the casino, he did call them back every day for about two weeks trying to check on the process of the job.

I get that she doesn't want a stranger in her house, but I don't get why he doesn't just come stay with you when you don't have your daughter..?
She has a curfew.

Seems to me like he needs to manage his relationship with gma better, and you need to manage your expectations of the sitatuion until he gets it worked out.
Yeah. Honestly, I think he is looking to her too much for approval; she was basically his mother figure growing up.....as for me, yeah. I am trying to be patient and deal with this. I am failing horribly at that though....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, September 9th (Monday)

Simply put, "It is her house and it is her rules." I don't think that he can respectfully "handle" his relationship with his grandmother. Either he abides by her rules, or he finds somewhere else to live.

Think long and hard before you start living together. I'd create a list of "must haves" before he could move in. Such as: He must have a job. He must have paid off his debt. He must be able to support himself 100%+. Sure, it is about not using you, but it is also for his self-respect.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, September 9th (Monday)

I know you're not going to like this appraisal, but it sounds like he was 'playing grownup' during the summer months with you, but he is really not emotionally mature enough to be in an adult relationship. I understand that he wants to 'help' you, but I think it's part of his fantasy because he's really not in a position to do this.

As the others have said, it's her house/her rules. Yes, they sound ridiculous for a 30-year old, but she gets to make the rules, and he gets to decide whether or not he wants to live there.

For your own sanity I would not try to cultivate granny's approval. Your SO needs to come up with another viable solution, and you need to take a hard look at this relationship to decide if it's ever going to go in the direction you want it to.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20178 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
ninebark
Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, September 9th (Monday)

We have similar but different situations..lol.

My BF is 34, he is living at home and going to school (he is in his last year of his course and doing great), he works part time.

We agreed in the beginning that he was not going to move in until he was working full time in his trade and could pay the bills.

We don't get every night together, sometimes we get one or two nights, but only stays over on the weekends, if he isn't working too too late.

So it is all about comprimise and what you are willing to put up with.

How much longer does he have in school? Is that tollerable?

As far as his grandmother is concerned, he needs to talk to her about that one. Yes he is living with her and paying her back, but he is not a teenager, she does not have the right to curfew him. And if he can't work that out on his own, then i might be a little leary of continuing in a relationship with him.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, September 9th (Monday)

Think long and hard before you start living together. I'd create a list of "must haves" before he could move in. Such as: He must have a job.
Yes, and that is one reason we are not ready just yet. He does need to be self-supporting first.

For your own sanity I would not try to cultivate granny's approval. Your SO needs to come up with another viable solution, and you need to take a hard look at this relationship to decide if it's ever going to go in the direction you want it to.
Yeah, I am not going to jump thru hoops for anyone at this point. I make her grandson happy. That should be enough for her. And I am waiting to see how he figures things out here. I am hoping he comes up with something other than continuing to live with her, because I know I won't last 2 years waiting for him to pay off his debts, graduate, get established in a career, etc....

A

s far as his grandmother is concerned, he needs to talk to her about that one. Yes he is living with her and paying her back, but he is not a teenager, she does not have the right to curfew him. And if he can't work that out on his own, then i might be a little leary of continuing in a relationship with him.
That is how I feel also. He needs to be an adult and stand up for himself. I can't be with someone who still lets others determine their destiny for them.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Spirit13
Member
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, September 9th (Monday)

NA,

Is he taking full advantage of the GI Bill benefits? He should be getting full tuition reimbursement as well as possibly a housing allowance and there are other things that apply for combinations of vocational training or rural location stipends etc.

Honestly, his past track record doesn't make him sound like someone who is really on top of his life and going to be a great candidate for a long term partner. That doesn't mean he isn't NOW getting his act together - so only you can determine this. The question is how motivated is he REALLY to get a job and how much is he busting his ass to change his life? If he isn't doing those things then I wouldn't want to hitch my wagon to that horse. You will always be having to either put the carrot in front of him or use the crop and who wants that kind of life?

[This message edited by Spirit13 at 9:16 AM, September 9th (Monday)]


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, September 9th (Monday)

I can't be with someone who still lets others determine their destiny for them.

He is determining his destiny. By not having a job and being in debt he is subject to the rules of his lender, and the owner of the home he resides in. In this case, his lender, and his landlord, are one and the same.

When he lived with his buddy he was subject to being kicked out if his buddy lost the house, and so on . . .

It isn't his grandmother that is standing in the way of his destiny. When he is free of debt, self-supporting, and living in his own place THEN he is in charge of his destiny.

[This message edited by alphakitte at 9:38 AM, September 9th (Monday)]


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, September 9th (Monday)

The question is how motivated is he REALLY to get a job and how much is he busting his ass to change his life?
He has made a lot of changes in the past couple years, so he is working on things.

He is determining his destiny. By not having a job and being in debt he is subject to the rules of his lender, and the owner of the home he resides in. In this case, his lender, and his landlord, are one and the same.
Ok, that makes sense and you are right. He is allowing others to control him.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, September 9th (Monday)

Ok, that makes sense and you are right. He is allowing others to control him.

Yeah, I understand grandma's house, grandma's rules, but this is a bit extreme. He is an adult. I don't understand why he can't say, "Grandma, I have other plans this weekend and I won't be home." Not waking her at odd hours of the night or inviting other people into her home makes sense, but as long as he let's her know in advance, grandma can't make a rule that he isn't allowed to spend the night anywhere else, ever.


Posts: 3388 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
million pieces
Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, September 9th (Monday)

Ok, that makes sense and you are right. He is allowing others to control him.

I don't think that is what she is saying. I take it as these are the consequences of his actions. He borrowed money, he needs to pay it back, and this is how it works best for him right now.

And I don't see it as a curfew. Her house and she doesn't want to be worried about him/woken up by him at all hours. She may also not approve of your age differences/intentions. But that doesn't matter. As long as he owes her money and is living under her roof, her rules.

When my SO separated from his ex, he moved into his parents house. Helped him out as he was still paying 100% mortgage and child support and his parents were having some serious health issues that he could help with. He was 45 and his parents still tried to enforce a curfew on him Since he was helping them as much as they were helping him, he had a little bit of negotiating room. He didn't bring back dates and they didn't comment on how late he was out. I'm really glad I met him after he moved out and bought a house


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1246 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, September 9th (Monday)

NA, Are you seeing any red flags here?

I'm seeing about a billion just from your reaction alone. I don't mean to be blunt but how exactly is any of this your problem? I get that it impacts you and what you want but are you seeing what you have in front of you and how you are enabling his dependancy and him enabling yours?

Grandmas house, her rules. He doesn't have to like them, he doesn't have to tolerate them. I think they are ridiculous but I respect her right to set her own boundaries. Y'know - he can just GTFO.

If he can't then he needs to suck it up. Its his problem, causing YOU problems and you're blaming the grandma for not playing along nicely?

Maybe she's sick of his dependant arse? Maybe she knows something about him you don't or don't want to see.

I'm sorry to be blunt but I have found users and abusers are absolutely wonderful to the person who is enabling/supporting them.

Treating you wonderfully is not enough. Love is not enough. Nice times are not enough.

Dude needs to get his shit together and give you a call when he does.

Does any of his part in this bother you. At.All?

I get that people get into sticky situations sometimes but fuck me - living with grandma at 30 with curfews and no sleepovers and that is his ONLY option because his c20 years older GF cannot (should not) bend her own boundaries in regards to her daughter just smacks of something unspeakably unpalatable to me.

You say you are done jumping through hoops. Why the fuck are you jumping through all of these hoops for this guy who seems like an absolute train wreck? Maybe it is not a short term or recent thing.

As I said, maybe grandma knows something about him you don't. Yet.

Maybe I'm tired and I'm missing something here but this just stinks to high heaven. Are there no flaming red flags for you here?

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 11:35 AM, September 9th (Monday)]


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5559 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, September 9th (Monday)

Maybe she's sick of his dependant arse? Maybe she knows something about him you don't or don't want to see.

This is what I was wondering.

I know he's in school but I know a lot of folks that manage to work, live on their own and go to school. Yes it may mean moving.

One of the best pieces of dating advice I got for later in life dating is this 'don't date potential'. You are dating the man he is right now. Not who he is going to be.

RE: The PTSD - TG has had significant issues with PTSD. The magnitude of the traumatic events in his life from 2004 - 2009 is mind blowing. HOWEVER - no matter how bad he is triggering, I still count on him to be an adult and be responsible for himself. I even get the sleep thing. TG will openly admit that he had major sleep issues until we started sharing a bed. I will listen, I will support, I will hold him through the total meltdowns that still happen once in a while. BUT I do expect that he is conducting his life as a whole as a fully functioning adult.

I know you think your guy is but look closely and be sure. No one here can tell you one way or another but there are a lot of red flags.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

ďMany of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.Ē -foulton oursler


Posts: 8440 | Registered: Apr 2008
Too_Trusting
Member
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, September 9th (Monday)

The part I don't get is WHY gma would be more agreeable to YOU spending the night at her house, but he can't spend the night at yours? You're not asking to let him come home at odd hours and wake her up. He's spending the night elsewhere.

And really? Would you be comfortable having your "weekend in his arms" at his gma's house???

What am I missing here? I don't get it.

[This message edited by Too_Trusting at 12:45 PM, September 9th (Monday)]


"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 2468 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, September 9th (Monday)

I don't understand why he can't say, "Grandma, I have other plans this weekend and I won't be home.
Me either. Trying to figure this one out.

She may also not approve of your age differences/intentions
Actually, his whole family likes me pretty well and she seems okay with me overall (she isn't positive towards anyone...she is a ball of negativity). I'm the only one that seems to have had problems with the age difference.

As long as he owes her money and is living under her roof, her rules.
Yeah, that is kind of how it is.

NA, Are you seeing any red flags here?
Maybe, sort of, IDK.....

I don't mean to be blunt but how exactly is any of this your problem? I get that it impacts you and what you want but are you seeing what you have in front of you and how you are enabling his dependancy and him enabling yours?
It is my problem because like you said, it is infringing on how I want to spend time with my guy. How are we enabling each other? I'm not paying his way or letting him move in ....I am wanting him to figure out on his own how to deal with this....
Y'know - he can just GTFO.
That is what I want him to do, but he still needs to find a way to pay her back. He was giving her a little money while he was staying with his buddy but there wasn't much left over after his living expenses.

Maybe she's sick of his dependant arse?
No, he has had a lot happen to him past 8 years and he is working hard now to fix his mistakes and the traumas they left. He did work before he went into the military. He is looking for a job now, and he is working hard in school. He has also been in leadership positions thru school so again, he is working hard on bettering himself but he is definitely a work in progress.

As I said, maybe grandma knows something about him you don't. Yet.
He is her favorite. She is just controlling and negative. And I do know his entire history, he has not hid anything from me and has totally let me into his past (as well as his mother has had lots of stories for me).

BUT I do expect that he is conducting his life as a whole as a fully functioning adult.
Yes, and that is also one reason I waited a year to start dating him. He was working on getting his sh*t together when I first met him, but I was so impressed by the pro-active steps he has taken and the motivation he has had to move forward.

*sigh* This is good stuff to help me keep my eyes open for and to process. I guess time will tell here...


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, September 9th (Monday)

And really? Would you be comfortable having your "weekend in his arms" at his gma's house???
Yeah, not really. That is another reason I'm not racing over there to try to impress gma and win her over. I have my own place ....child free on the weekends. He should be here with me then.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, September 9th (Monday)

Naive,
My first NB relationship was with someone who was not able to care for himself. It was starting to become a co-dependent relationship, like I had in my M. It was unhealthy for me.

The times we were alone and together "playing house" was great. But reality kicked in and I realized I would be carrying the weight of all the responsibilities, that he would be essentially using me. I was not willing to let him bring me down to what he considered as good enough in life.

There were other problems too, and his drinking was part of his inability to take care of himself properly.

I had the realization about a year and 1/2 into the relationship that just enjoying time together wasn't going to be enough. I've always been a strong independent woman. I need a man who matches that, not takes advantage of it.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, September 9th (Monday)

He should be here with me then.

If that be true, then he isn't that fella.

Here's the deal: Divide the amount he owes by the average amount he is paying Grandma off, each month. That is how many months before he calls all of the shots in his own life. Also, keep in mind that who he morphs into when he is independent may not be who he is now.

It seems that the consequences of his bad decisions have him behind the average timeline of a 30 year old. Do you have that kind of time?


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, September 9th (Monday)

It seems that the consequences of his bad decisions have him behind the average timeline of a 30 year old.

No offense but I don''t think service counts as a "bad decision" nor does where he''s at at 30 given the service and it''s impact. Sometimes military service makes it hard to re-integrate into civilian life because you go from having super-specific training and being in-charge of a lot of people, money, lives but those skills don''t translate well to the civilian world. Redefining yourself at 30 is fucking hard. And it sounds like that''s playing a role both in where he currently is and compounding the effects of any choices he has made.

As for what to do now, I have no advice, just lots of hugs because I know how frustrating it can be to have to wait patiently for anything.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3091 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, September 9th (Monday)

Cayc, I agree with you.

Regardless of the reason for his being behind the average 30 yr old's timeline doesn't change the time that Naive said she couldn't wait for. That was my point.

I'm grateful for his service.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
ExposedNiblet
Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, September 9th (Monday)

I don't feel Im really qualified to give much advice in the NB boards because I am not dating nor do I want to be.

That being said, this hit me hard:

He is somewhat afraid of her he admits, but doesn't really know why, not physically but she is the matriarch of the family.

I don't think the overnight situation is the big thing here. The fact that he's unable to stand up to her speaks volumes (a 30 year old with a curfew???), and I think that's what you should be focusing on.

You're dating Granny's Boy.

I married Mama's Boy. He was intimidated by her too, not only when he was living with her, but when he married me. This continued on till our divorce. It likely still continues.

Look, if Granny there decides during your relationship with "her boy" that you are not a good match, can you trust him to stand up for you? If he's afraid to make a stand over a curfew then, in all likelihood, it's not going to happen.

What if she starts getting verbally abusive toward you? What then? Of course you can stand up for yourself, as well you should, but can you live knowing that BF doesn't have your back? Can you respect him?

Your OP had so many red flags in it that I felt like saluting my computer.

I'd pass on this guy. You deserve so much more.

I'm sorry.



Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, September 9th (Monday)

Granny may not like the 20 year age gap either. She seems to still treat him like a child.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, September 9th (Monday)

Military family piping in here, he should contact your local VFW and American Legion. Most posts have a network or access to a network to help soldiers find jobs once they are in civi mode.

He can also look into reserves/National Guard duty and do the one weekend a month/two weeks a year (and yeah it will make him deployable) to keep with the military and use those networks for a job but he'll also get paid for that one weekend and two weeks.

Look into law enforcement or other municipal positions. Even if he can find a part-time gig it would be better than nothing.

His student loan can cover housing. I haven't used the GI bill but I would guess that there would be some kind of provision to allow for housing on that. Use that to pay off grams faster.

He's also not in a position to be dating right now from the way you have stated with what he has going on. You are in very different places in life that have nothing to do with age but have everything to do with finances and time.

((hugs))


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
mandan66
Member
Member # 40075
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, September 9th (Monday)

NA, I'm going to chime in with the others here. I am in a position to date, have actually gone out with a few, and, as everyone on here has experienced as well, lived through a nightmare of a former relationship/marriage. I made plenty of mistakes in my past marriage, for sure; lots of things to not be proud of. But---I learned a bunch from it all, namely: no way would I consider being in a serious relationship with someone who wasn't 'all in'. Gently, I'm a grown-ass man and I want a grown-up marriage. From what you say, it sounds like thats what you want and need also. Not saying this fella can't be that (sounds like he has some great qualities), but right now, if he's under the thumb of Grandma, that's a problem. Whose back will he have, when push comes to shove? I agree with M242; you guys are in different places in life right now. No shame in that, but that sounds like the reality of your situation.


Me: 47; WW: 48
2 DS: 9, 14
M:18--T:19
DDay: Jan/13
Divorced and Done!--7/13

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: KS
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, September 9th (Monday)

I had the realization about a year and 1/2 into the relationship that just enjoying time together wasn't going to be enough.
Oh, absolutely! He HAS to pull his weight and again, one reason we aren't ready for living together is because he has to have a job where he is able to help with bills.

But he made good money in the military, and when he did stay here, he was invaluable around here with helping with outside chores, my small business, and he actually painted my DD's bedroom for her while she was gone. He has made a huge effort at getting my kids together for my birthday and to do yardwork together. Earning money is important but it isn't the only thing. And I am just watching to see where he ends up with that part.

It seems that the consequences of his bad decisions have him behind the average timeline of a 30 year old.
But those bad decisions have also shaped him into who he is and is becoming....spurring him into counseling and becoming more compassionate and empathetic towards others. That is the part I fell in love with. (plus, I am still a work in progress myself).

Sometimes military service makes it hard to re-integrate into civilian life
Thank you cayc, yes! There is not much call for sonar techs here in our small town.

Regardless of the reason for his being behind the average 30 yr old's timeline doesn't change the time that Naive said she couldn't wait for. That was my point.
Yeah, and I don't want to wait. But, he does have good reasons and he is wonderful to me. I feel I am being impatient because honestly, after 8 months of dating, it is too soon for him to be moving in and I am working on why the overnight stays are so important to me....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, September 9th (Monday)

Look, if Granny there decides during your relationship with "her boy" that you are not a good match, can you trust him to stand up for you?
He promised he would, but he said it would be nice if we get along well. I've met her once, she doesn't bother me and I have no problem standing up for myself....and I told him I will but I will also respect her as long as she isn't abusive towards me. HIs fear of her is something he is working on in counseling, with me. He is taking me to those sessions so we can work on it together....

Granny may not like the 20 year age gap either. She seems to still treat him like a child.
She doesn't like many of the spouses in the family, but the one she does respect is his father's new wife. She stands up to granny but is also respectful of her. She is the type that will walk all over you if you let her and I think he is still letting her do that some because of childhood issues. Again, something he is working on in counseling. At least he takes it seriously when I bring up a problem or issue....

he should contact your local VFW and American Legion.
Thank you, I will suggest that to him.

You are in very different places in life that have nothing to do with age but have everything to do with finances and time.
Yes, I agree.

Gently, I'm a grown-ass man and I want a grown-up marriage. From what you say, it sounds like thats what you want and need also.
Yes, that is what I want this time.
but right now, if he's under the thumb of Grandma, that's a problem. Whose back will he have, when push comes to shove?
Yeah, we have argued about this stuff and it is really the only arguing we have done in the entire 8 months. I'm not ready to bail just yet, he is working so hard to make me happy and deal with all of this, but I know I won't put up with this sitch forever. I don't know what my timeline is, but I will know when it is enough.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Eranda
Member
Member # 6010
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, September 9th (Monday)

This guy sounds like way too much of a project considering what he brings to the party, which isn't much.

You are setting yourself up for years of "helping" someone deal with all their problems. I can tell you from experience it's NOT a good situation.

But... I sense that you are not ready to hear any of the advice here. I believe you get a an emotional payoff from being "needed" by this guy. But remember- people who "need" you are NEEDY. That is not a good basis for a relationship.

Mark my words- eventually you will get tired of constantly having to help him with his shit.


My Blog: http://allofthewaystohell.com/

Posts: 4226 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: eastern PA
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, September 9th (Monday)

I sense that you are not ready to hear any of the advice here. I believe you get a an emotional payoff from being "needed" by this guy.
I am listening...I'm just not ready to dump him just yet. I need to let this stuff sink in and see what happens over time here...this is not a decision I am making lightly because he also takes good care of me. I can be a little needy from time to time, and he has always been there for me also. He spent the night in the hospital with me when I had severe stomach pains and he actually listens to me when I have an issue. That is new for me, and maybe he isn't perfect but I know it is a step in the right direction.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Spirit13
Member
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

NA,

It's a process and I think there is a part of you that know it. You just aren't ready yet. The thing is that we all get sucked into trying to solve the problem for him. You, me (in giving helpful posts) .... all of us. And this is very co-dependent and is what creates the problem to begin with. You have to step back and make it HIS problem to solve. You are not happy. You are his girlfriend. You want HIM to solve the issue of not being able to sleep over at your place, for example. It isn't for YOU to suggest and problem solve and talk to Grandma, etc. etc.

HE has to recognize that YOU are not satisfied with this and it is HIS problem to step up and fix if he values your relationship. If he doesn't do this then you know what kind of a man you have.

That's my humble opinion anyway.

(I get sucked into the very same thing - don't get me wrong. It's super easy to want to be a pleaser, helper and solver to everyone.)


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
ninebark
Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

I get you NaiveAgain

Most people look at my BF and probably say "run for the hills!" lol

He is 34, lives at home, works at Tim Horton's. On paper he looks terrible.
One of his best friends cautioned me against dating him because of what others are saying about your boyfriend.

However I gave him a chance but I had very definite conditons and he has lived up to all of them.

-he pays for gas and food when he stays over, although he has his own car, if I dam doing all the driving he pays.
-He helps with chores around the house
-He goes back to school and gets a career or trade.

Well in that time he has gone back to school, got top in his class last year. One year to go!
He helps around the house, gives me money, babysits and pets sits when I need it. HE has been a very supportive and helpful guy. Next year he will start his apprenticeship and no he will not be moving in until he can finacially assist.


But I would have a real problem with the curfew thing. So I think the person you need to speak to is him. Let him know where you stand on this and that it is a potential deal breaker that has to be addressed.

[This message edited by ninebark at 9:41 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Spirit....thank you. You are absolutely correct. I am getting better at letting the guy figure things out. I have done this in the past with him and he has stepped up and fixed the problems.

This one is a larger one and he says he tosses and turns all night trying to figure out how to fix this. He knows I am not happy. He said he would work something out, but yesterday he said he would like us to do this one together because he just can't figure out how to fix this.

I am glad he is taking it seriously. I am glad he is trying to figure it out. But you are right, he has to step up and figure this one out. And I have to let him. We will see what the outcome is. Again, I am going to give him some time to figure things out, but if he settles in and stops working on it or decides he is okay with the status quo...I think at that point I will have to move on.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

ninebark, thank you also. He does look awful on paper but when I set a condition or boundary, every single time he has come thru on it. He wants this to work and he is vested in our relationship. And he is willing to learn what makes me happy and he works to do so. For example, he learned I like flowers so he has figured out a way to afford those from time to time, even on his poor student budget. He learned my favorite place to eat and has taken me there twice now. I had a problem with him hanging with a certain female that he was "just friends" with but had had some romantic interest in the past. He totally dumped her and got rid of her phone number. He has taken every step so far to help me feel secure and happy in our relationship.

He knows that spending time together is my love language so he will go without sleep and get up extra early to come and spend a few hours with me before school.

This grandma thing is a new one and apparently an old FOO issue for him, so this is a bigger hurdle than some of those in the past. I know I have to just have to sit back and see how he handles it which is difficult for me because at my core I am a problem solver and very proactive.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Spirit13
Member
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

NA,

Just do the best you can and try to catch yourself when you try to step in and fix things. Don't be the girlfriend and the mom. He HAS a mom, it's his Grandma apparently.

Hey, I went through a similar deal all summer when my SO of 2+ years decided to move. He and I have talked about getting married in a couple years and so when he looked at areas that didn't work for my job and my daughter's school... it was a real problem. I found myself consumed with fixing "our" problem and constantly talking about it, offering compromises, researching private schools, looking at other jobs, etc. Then I noticed that I was pretty much the only one working on "OUR" problem. He didn't seem too worried about the fact that I might not be able to move to be with him in 2 years. What a wake up call. Why the fuck was I doing all the work?

Sometimes is just takes a while for the reality of a person to set in.

Take care, be aware!


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

My guy does worry and stress over this situation, and it is upsetting him physically that I am upset. He just can't seem to figure out an answer to this problem. I think he could get a small room close to me and his school so we would be closer and be able to see each other more regularly, but he doesn't want to waste his small amount of monthly income on that when he really wants to save up for a house for us in the future. Problem is every time he makes a deposit into the "house for the future" can, he has to take some of it back for gas or stuff. He really needs a job.....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Throwing in another perspective.

I've thought a lot about this thread over the past few days and hesitated to respond to it (or any about your sitch) because I am your age with a son his age. Personally, I canít imagine dating someone with that big a gap in ages, especially since I know so very well the 30 year old male mind through my kid. Vice versa, I canít see my son dating someone my age, nor would I honestly be happy if he did. That, along with being influential in my sonís decision making Ė ONLY when he wants me to be Ė all added up to me walking away without commenting.

Youíve said time and time again here and in other posts what he does for YOU, how he fulfills your needs, helps with chores, helps with your business, helps with your DD, etc., yet, unless I missed it, I struggle to see whatís in it for him other than the obvious. Perhaps Ė just perhaps Ė this time away and with others that may see this relationship as rather one sided and incredibly needy (on both parts, but certainly more on yours) has started to change his way of thinking about the future. He very well might be in a ďtell her what she wants to hear right nowĒ mode Ė i.e., him taking on the task of ďfixingĒ things Ė so as to, I dunno Ė find a softer way out when your frustration with the whole mess peaks?

I have a couple of friends who are in somewhat similar unbalanced relationships, and the things and frustration they put up with are somewhat mind boggling.

Just my $0.02.

AJís MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21051 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

I believe you get a an emotional payoff from being "needed" by this guy.

You are setting yourself up for years of "helping" someone deal with all their problems.

I struggle to see whatís in it for him other than the obvious.

All I see is another dysfunctional situation here....definitely a mother/son unhealthy dynamic. He likes being told by you what he needs to do to be a grownup and you get a bit of satisfaction out of being in "control" and dictating what must occur for this to be a successful "relationship".

I agree with ajsmom. I couldn't imagine dating somebody with that much of an age difference. In your case, you want him to be in the same place you are in life so you can be happy together. Well, that isn't the case and that isn't going to happen. You have lived 20 more years of life than he has. He can't catch up with you to be in the same place or mindset. You will always surpass him.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13753 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

I struggle to see whatís in it for him other than the obvious
Since I was asking for help on my problems with this issue, I didn't feel the need to describe what he says he gets from me. When he fell for me, he didn't know we had such a huge age gap. He thought I was 5 years older than him (which is what most people guess...I have decent genetics and more energy than most 20 year olds.) I never took him seriously so by the time I did take him seriously and tell him, he didn't care at that point. He wasn't particularly looking for an "older" woman. I wasn't wanting a young guy to tell what to do and I waited a year to actually start dating him.

I ended up falling for him because in most ways he is more mature than any of the other guys I've dated (and most of them were older than me).

He fell for me, in his words, (besides the obvious) because of my heart first and foremost, because I am caring, loving, open and honest with him. He loves my personality and the way I conduct myself. Because I inspire him to be a better person (and don't take that wrong...not as a mother figure, but just as a better person because of what I do in my community). One of the most important things to him is the way we communicate with each other. Open, honest and vulnerable. He values that highly. He also values the way we handle disagreements. Like adults. No yelling, screaming, name-calling. No going for the weak spots. We just take our time and think things thru and then talk them over. He has dated much younger girls, his age girls, and a few years older. I am obviously the oldest he has dated, but I am the one that clicks with him.

We have the same goals in life. We are both politically interested. We enjoy a lot of the same hobbies and friends.

His family has gotten to know me and according to him, they adore me. They have told him that he better not mess this up, and his mom and sister have told me they love me.

We take care of each other when we are ill. I have gone to the hospital with him also when he has had problems. I go to his doctor visits with him. When his car was broken, we carpooled with my car for 2 months.

We help each other out. When one of us is having issues, the other one is patient and understanding. He can be just as nurturing and caring as me, that is mutual.

We have discussed the age gap in depth and over time. We know the negatives and we also know some people may not accept it. But since we are both overall happy and our families and friends are ecstatic, we aren't horribly concerned if others accept it or not.

I am dealing with an issue here that could be in any age group. I don't feel this is an age issue but more of a FOO issue. I quit letting my parents tell me what to do when I turned 16. My last SO was 48 and still letting his mommy run the show.

I do appreciate your comments and thoughts, but I feel you are making generalizations about our ages (and I'm sure your own experience with your son and friends) But not all 30 year olds are immature and not all 50 year olds have experience and wisdom (ha ha, that sounds bad....I hope I have some wisdom but I do wonder sometimes!)

He very well might be in a ďtell her what she wants to hear right nowĒ mode
No. We are brutally honest about our feelings, even when they aren't positive. We talk frequently about how we feel about each other, what is happening in our lives and relationship that impacts those feelings, and what we want in the future. Actually, a few days ago, that was when he came up with the idea of wanting to save for a down payment for a house for us. What he is doing now, he feels, will clear our future. I just miss him being around a lot, and that is normal. I am trying to talk it out here and get other perspectives.

I realized this afternoon, that one reason I am handling this so badly is because I have had so much loss with family. I've been thru several breakups where I felt my family was breaking apart. After he had stayed with me for a while, I did feel like he was family. When he left, it triggered that loss again. I was in mourning, and I just realized that a bit ago.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

In your case, you want him to be in the same place you are in life so you can be happy together. Well, that isn't the case and that isn't going to happen. You have lived 20 more years of life than he has. He can't catch up with you to be in the same place or mindset. You will always surpass him.
And I appreciate your making time to comment also, and that probably is true of many people. But not all. Again, generalizations don't always hold true. Obviously, I have lived 20 more years than him. Not everyone ages the same either. There are some 40 year olds that are old and ready for the rocking chair, and there are some 70 year olds with so much life and energy you would think they were 40. He has experienced more in the past twenty years than most people do in a life time. He has had more happen to him than just his military service, and I wont' go into detail, but it has matured him in most ways to levels I don't even see with people my age.

There are some things I do have more life experience with, but there are some that he has also. I appreciate his insight into certain subjects.

Oh, I'm also impressed with the work he is doing in counseling. I go with him sometimes to help support him, and his counselor has told us that we have something really special and wants to help us figure things out. She thinks we are really good for each other and she appreciates how supportive I am of him.

I still don't know if this will work, it may or may not. And I will probably post again if I have more issues to puzzle through. I do appreciate everyone's thoughts and insights.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 11:00 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

All I see is another dysfunctional situation here....definitely a mother/son unhealthy dynamic. He likes being told by you what he needs to do to be a grownup and you get a bit of satisfaction out of being in "control" and dictating what must occur for this to be a successful "relationship".
Oh, I forgot I did want to comment on this one. ICK!

We are definitely not a mother/son dynamic. Not everyone that has a larger than what is socially acceptable age gap is doing the mommy, son/daddy, daughter thing.

He doesn't like being told what to do. And I don't like telling him what to do, and I don't. What I do is let him know what my boundaries and standards are. Like you are supposed to in a healthy relationship. And he respects them or not, which is his choice. One reason this works is that the boundaries and standards I have match what he is willing to do because they don't go against anything that he values or disagrees with.

He also has some standards and boundaries, and I adhere to those. It goes both ways.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

He doesn't like being told what to do

Then how does he feel about Granny telling him that he has to be *home* by <whatever> time each night?

I've read your posts and I've read the responses....but something about this situation just feels *off* to me.....and the sticking point for me, I think, is this *curfew* issue.

He is 30. He has served his country. Yes, she's an old lady from another generation...so I *get* (and respect) that she could possibly be against you *staying over* at her place.

I'm just having a real problem with the curfew thing. He should be able to, out of consideration for her, tell her that he will be with friends <or whatever> and will be back at <whenever>. He is 30, ffs.

I'm bothered by the fact that he seems to have a *whatever* attitude about it, I guess.....because it isn't a *whatever* type of situation. I would think that if he were unhappy with the *curfew* imposed by Gma that he would either be head-on addressing the issue with her (Gma, I'm a grown-ass man and as long as I pay you the rent and let you know if I won't be home so that you're not up all night worrying....I will live my life as I see fit) OR he knows that Gma is going to be totally relentless about this (unacceptable) curfew thing.....he should be signing himself up for 2, 3, or 4 jobs or <whatever> in an effort to get the hell out of her house (and I don't get the impression that he's doing that).


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8007 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 4:45 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

My last SO was 48 and still letting his mommy run the show.

Pattern?

He may view you as the mother figure that *can* be pleased and where *he* can affect the outcome.

NA, you two may very well be the exception to the rule. But the rule is there because there are very few exceptions.

Personally, age is a number to me. It is about life experiences (college, children, etc.). You have very few of those experiences in common. It has nothing to do with energy or maturity--it is everything to do with what one has experienced in life.

A 30-something in deep debt and living with Grandma points to a not-so-fleeting issue.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29611 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
movingforward13
Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 5:10 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

I just came out of a situation as this and guess what, what everyone is saying is 100% true in my experience. My ex let his mother run the show, which she did and even encouraged him to cheat. When you have a mommy/son relationship, there will be times that he will resent you for having so much control over his "life" and he will rebel, which includes cheating. Regardless of his age and military service, he isn't mature, at least not emotionally if he can not assert himself as a man to his authoritative matriarchs in his life. That will spill over to you because he does look at you as the mother figure that he bangs.
It is sick, I completely agree, but there are men out here whose mothers never let them grow up and be a man and they look for those traits in relationships.

NA, at the end of the day, you don't have to take our word for it, but you started this post recognizing that there is a problem. A WHOLE bunch of people responded with their red flags. Two strikes. Don't rationalize this. Don't explain away. Just listen. I am sure he is a wonderful guy and I know how tough dating is, but if you are thinking long term, which I believe you are.... he has major issues here that can not be fixed by you. He needs help to deal with his FOO issues. He has them. And just based off the limited info you gave them, I am sure his problems run deeper. Most men who have mommy/son relationships have major FOO like Prince Syndrome, emotional incest, NPD, etc... Which more often than not, leads to cheating.

I guess you really need to think about what you want from this relationship. If you want long term, does he? What is his plan to achieve that with you? Does he want kids? What if he changes his mind in 5 years to wanting kids (assuming he doesn't want them now)? While the age gap is much, it really doesn't matter in the grand scope of things if you both are in the same place in life. You both aren't. He just got out the military and is now in college full time. He is essentially starting his life and figuring out who he is, as well as still becoming a man. He isn't there yet for you in my honest opinion. And I believe you need to see through the infatuation fog. You are in a fog right now which is why you are being defensive and rationalizing.

We are trying to help you. We don't want you hurt again because this boy is still trying to grow up. After cheating, that is the last thing you need. Protect yourself and protect your heart.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 638 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 5:13 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

I've read your posts and I've read the responses....but something about this situation just feels *off* to me.....and the sticking point for me, I think, is this *curfew* issue.
Yeah, that is what I am having issue with and why I posted. Another part of the curfew is some bad decisions in his past and granny thinks she is doing what is best for him.

Pattern?
Not really. None of the guys before XSO had that issue. And when he was living with his buddy, he wasn't jumping whenever his family/granny called. He was doing well at being able to say "I can't help you right now, I have other things I am doing." It is just different now that he has been forced to move back for a time. It wasn't an issue before, but it is now, which is why I am seeking help/advice here.

A 30-something in deep debt and living with Grandma points to a not-so-fleeting issue.
Yes, he did make some bad decisions (or rather, one or two that had a huge impact.) And another reason why I refused to date him at first, not just his age. But over the year we were best friends and I got to know him, I saw how hard he was working to get back on his feet and figure out why he made bad choices. I've made some really bad decisions too, but I am trying really hard to grow from them and make better decisions in the future. I've done counseling to work on myself and he is doing it now. I am really glad he doesn't hold my past bad decisions against me, because they have left me with a psychoX that I have to coparent with and some financial difficulties. I am working hard, going back to school, and seeking help for introspection to better myself and so is he.

He is on the same path there that I am. This is part of what I mean when I say we are wanting the same things out of life. We both want a healthy relationship. Neither one of us have had one. We want one, and we want it together and are working on it and learning together. We are doing a lot of things right this time, both of us, but there are some difficulties which is again why I am posting here. We are both working hard on personal growth. He has a good heart. He is learning and growing.

Again, I don't think it is an age thing, because he wasn't seeking out an older partner, and I wasn't wanting a younger one. I had a ten year age gap as my limit until I ended up with him. And I was ultra-sensitive in the beginning to the age gap and looking for problems because of it. What I found with us is that we do have some issues, but they are not particularly age related, and I was being prejudiced and judgmental. I also look at several of my friends who have relationships with large age gaps, and I see how they work things. However they are working things, in all 3 cases, they are all very happy and 2 of them have been together over ten years, and my bff is going on seven years and they are getting married this fall. They do have issues like everyone, but again, their issues aren't really age-related and they are happier than most couples.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 5:16 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

It is sick, I completely agree, but there are men out here whose mothers never let them grow up and be a man and they look for those traits in relationships.
Actually, he was the caretaker in his family growing up. This is where some of his maturity comes from. I was the oldest and I took care of my siblings. He also took care of his siblings, and after he was older, he took care of his mother because she ended up developing some emotional problems; however, when he was young he had a good relationship with his mother. She is educated and emotionally grounded but he was raised by his paternal grandma because of a nasty divorce and his mom didn't have the money to fight in court.

I am the first older woman he dated. The most serious relationship he had before me was 5 years and she was one year younger than he. He is the youngest I've dated. Most of my relationships were older men and my first husband was 7 years older than me.

This isn't a pattern with us. I know there are stereotypes about age different relationships but I truly feel this isn't the problem here.

movingforward, I do really appreciate your advice and I will read your post again. I can see you are posting from a caring and non-judgmental position so thank you. I'm not trying to rationalize but I'm trying to give more information to help others understand more. (I do see some defensiveness here though)

Also, he was raised to respect his elders, and his granny is the elder of the family. So part of it is respect, part of it is she was demanding and strong while he was growing up and moving back has kind of brought that out again, and part of it is he does feel he needs to respect the rules of the place he is living. HIs buddy had some weird rules also and he respected those while living there.

he has major issues here that can not be fixed by you. He needs help to deal with his FOO issues
I'm not trying to fix his problems. That is why I suggested counseling for him. He is trying to fix his problems. I am trying to deal with MY problem which is not handling this separation and his new rules well.

If you want long term, does he?
Yes. He wanted it first. It took me a little longer to get used to that idea but he is a good man overall and if we can work thru these issues, it will be good.
What is his plan to achieve that with you?
Move back home, find a job, finish school, get his debts paid off, start saving for a down payment on a house for us together, and then get married.

Does he want kids? What if he changes his mind in 5 years to wanting kids
No. We have talked about that in depth also.

While the age gap is much, it really doesn't matter in the grand scope of things if you both are in the same place in life. You both aren't. He just got out the military and is now in college full time.
I also am in school full time. I am trying to figure out who I really am and what I want in life now after being swallowed in a few toxic relationships and kids leaving home.

And that is also where our paths combine. We are both wanting the same basic things...

And I believe you need to see through the infatuation fog.
I've known him for 2 years now. I don't feel terribly infatuated and I can see his warts and issues....I still love him though. He has a beautiful and kind heart and he is willing to put the work into this relationship. Those are big pluses for me and part of what I truly value in a guy.

We are trying to help you. We don't want you hurt again because this boy is still trying to grow up.
Thank you! I really do appreciate that, and that is why I come here. I know the age stuff will get blasted from time to time but I am still putting things out here because I do want to figure this out.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

I do appreciate your comments and thoughts, but I feel you are making generalizations about our ages

And this is why I didn't comment at first.

I CLEARLY made my comment based on my OWN experiences, and what I see and know about the men that age and yet I'm accused of generalizing.

Personally, I canít imagine dating someone with that big a gap in ages, especially since I know so very well the 30 year old male mind through my kid. Vice versa, I canít see my son dating someone my age, nor would I honestly be happy if he did. That, along with being influential in my sonís decision making Ė ONLY when he wants me to be Ė all added up to me walking away without commenting.

(Notice the word "personally" and the heavy use of the word "I").

That is generalizing?

Hmmmmm...interesting, indeed.

I get that there are quite mature 30 year olds. By saying that, you'd be describing my son. He's done more right things at 30 (especially in his relationships) than I have at my age.

Look...you came here for feedback and three pages and 40 something comments from members in, we're literally back to page one as to where you are on this.

It's obvious no matter what anyone says you are able to explain things away or provide details missing in your original post that paint a whole different light on things.

I can only provide for you what you what I know and feel and I thought I had in a very personal way, yet to you - not so much. I'm lambasting the 30-something crowd.

Okie, dokie!

So, as they say "To each his own." I hope you are able to muddle through all of this, (because frankly by now it doesn't sound like you have any issues) and you're happy.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21051 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

ajsmom, I do appreciate you thinking before commenting. And it felt like a generalization but I may be a bit sensitive about that.

It's obvious no matter what anyone says you are able to explain things away or provide details missing in your original post that paint a whole different light on things.
And to quit a relationship on one post of several paragraphs is not intelligent. When other things come up, I prefer to put down more information in case that changes anything. I have changed my mind on several posts after I have seen extra information added later in the thread and I want to make sure any pertinent information is given.

I did also try to answer you when you asked what he is getting from this relationship. I hadn't tried to speak for him or talk about what he says about me, but it seemed important for you to know so I tried to answer you.

I think I felt somewhat attacked by your post and apparently you weren't meaning it that way, you were only trying to give your own experience, so I'm sorry if I got defensive and I appreciate your thoughts.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Oh, one more thing. I know in NB we see someone going down a bad path and we all chime in and try to help that person, then we tend to get disgusted when they don't listen immediately and act on the advice within minutes.

But we have to remember (me included) that when our WS's were acting up, we didn't fall out of love immediately. For many of us it took time and thought and a little more time and thought. This is serious stuff.

You can't just unlove someone just like that. There may actually be age problems here I'm not seeing, but apparently I'm not seeing them right now. I keep coming back and trying to talk this thru though. I haven't left this thread once the comments started. Just because I don't instantly agree and jump on everyone's advice doesn't mean I'm not listening and giving thought and letting things sink in.

You guys are right collectively in most cases, but there have been a few times when things were not what they seemed or we were actually wrong because we didn't have all the information. I am not going to cause more pain here between him and I without all the information being processed and thought about carefully.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Everyone seems to be stuck on the curfew issue, but the fact of the matter is that for whatever reason, he feels he has to live with his grandmother. One of her criteria for his living there is that he abides by her curfew--not accepting the curfew=no place to live.

There are a lot of issues here; many of us see red flags, but you will do what you think is best. I wish you luck.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20178 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

They have curfew in the military don't they? That's probably something he's more comfortable with than the average joe.

However, if it were making the love of your life uncomfortable, wouldn't you push back and assert your autonomy?

Sounds like he's spread so thinly right now -- trying to please everyone and get his life in order -- that he can't make you a priority, but that's just how it has to be in order for his current situation to pan out.

You being upset about it probably isn't helping, but again, that's just how it is and you have to deal with it for now.

I hope it works out for you in the end. I know a couple in their 60s (him) and 80s (her) who have been blissfully happy for many years.

It can and does happen.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 7:58 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17394 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

I also am in school full time. I am trying to figure out who I really am and what I want in life now

NaiveAgain, didn't you also have some problems transitioning when college ended for summer break?

HIs buddy had some weird rules also and he respected those while living there.


Gma is very controlling. She raised him. He is somewhat afraid of her he admits, but doesn't really know why, not physically but she is the matriarch of the family. So, he isn't allowed to spend the night here anymore .

I will voice a concern that he's always followed someone else's rules: Grandma. Military. Buddy who lost his house. NaiveAgain.

Has this guy ever lived independently? Discovering his personal tastes ... and funding those tastes on his salary alone?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
HappilyUnMarried
Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

I posted about my own "Troubles is Paradise" a few months ago, and like NA, I got a bunch of 2x4s that deviated from the topic at hand. It made me hesitant to open up my heart and post again. Makes me sad.

Sometimes we need time to process your comments. Let NA process this all! I know everything you do is to help.... But you don't have all the info... You don't see the interactions, the body language, the feelings involved. Sometimes you need to take the word "blue" as "blue" and not read much more into it. Maybe, just maybe, it is "blue"....

(((NA))) Listen to everyone, but follow your gut. Your eyes are open! You will end up doing what's right for you. You don't have to justify your words or be apologetic.

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 11:41 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

The thing that worries me when I read your posts is that the relationship is, well, all about the relationship. Maybe that is just what happens when two introspective people come together, but every time I read your posts I just read, how can we make this work, as if making it work is the end goal and readiness and logic be damned. It might seem the issues are age related, or you are just at different places, but I donít see that. I see you as both in the same boat, needing to sort out a lot of things in life before you worry about a relationship.

You have posted in the past that the stress of school, work, family, finances, and community obligations was affecting your health. It seems as though you have found a way to cope, but you would be in such a better place to date if you could finish school and get your finances in order first.

The same goes for him.

It is easy to make concessions in a romantic partner when you are not at your best. Iím not established in a career, so why should I expect it of a partner? Iím sorting through FOO issues, so who cares if he is? I struggle financially, so why should I care if he does? You should! You can fix your issues, you canít fix his! So fix your issues and quit lowering your standards and making concessions and hoping he will get his shit together some day. You might be waiting a long time.

Maybe take a break, or at least scale back on the intensity of the relationship. Quit future faking and talking about the relationship and let actions define its course. Give yourselves time to focus on yourselves and get your lives sorted. When you and your partner are in better places you wonít have to make such large concessions. You wonít have to worry about how grandma and curfew fits in with your epic romance because it will just be epic.

Iím sorry if this is overly harsh. I obviously donít know what is best for you, but you seem like such a caring person and I worry this relationship is distracting you from taking care of yourself.

[This message edited by Crescita at 11:55 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 3388 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
gardenparty
Member
Member # 12050
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Hey NA, you know my situation is very similar to yours. My SO is 21 years younger than me. Every time we have an issue people rush to point out our age gap however most of the things that we have dealt with are things that every couple deals with. You are both transitioning in your lives which in itself is enough to make your head spin, school, new career, new relationship, all hard on their own, combined it must be very difficult. My SO and I have been able to work through all our difficulties up to this point but I am realistic enough to know that that might not always be true. I have no words of advice just Hugs to you.


divorced!

Posts: 2681 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: newfoundland
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

the fact of the matter is that for whatever reason, he feels he has to live with his grandmother.
Yes. Honestly, that is the best option we both can come up with for the moment. Hopefully we will figure out something else in the near future.

They have curfew in the military don't they?
Yeah, he is used to rules and discipline.

However, if it were making the love of your life uncomfortable, wouldn't you push back and assert your autonomy?
Yes, he has started standing up to her a little bit this week on certain issues. It's a start.

Sounds like he's spread so thinly right now -- trying to please everyone and get his life in order
Absolutely, and I can see the stress he is dealing with...and I don't feel good that I am part of that.--
that he can't make you a priority,
He still does, quite a bit, in many other ways. He is working so hard on this.....

I hope it works out for you in the end. I know a couple in their 60s (him) and 80s (her) who have been blissfully happy for many years.
Thank you FF!

NaiveAgain, didn't you also have some problems transitioning when college ended for summer break?
Honestly, I can't remember! I know I was tired because it had been a very stressful but busy time!

Has this guy ever lived independently? Discovering his personal tastes ... and funding those tastes on his salary alone?
For a short time before he went into the military. And he does know his own tastes....he has hobbies, a career path, and was involved in various clubs/organizations at school, all things that are his own interests. He bought many of the things that he uses for his hobbies while he was in the military with that salary.

Sometimes we need time to process your comments. Let NA process this all!
Yes, it does take me time to let things sink in. I know when I was in the process of leaving WS, it took about 3 months and I don't know how many times I came back here with little things he did or said to hear once again "he is manipulating, he is still in his addiction" before it finally sunk in!

I know everything you do is to help.... But you don't have all the info... You don't see the interactions, the body language, the feelings involved. Sometimes you need to take the word "blue" as "blue" and not read much more into it. Maybe, just maybe, it is "blue"....
He is so loving towards me. Caring, gentle, kind. Emotionally here for me. Those are very difficult things for me to give up since I've never had that before.

(((NA))) Listen to everyone, but follow your gut. Your eyes are open! You will end up doing what's right for you. You don't have to justify your words or be apologetic.
Thank you HUM!

The thing that worries me when I read your posts is that the relationship is, well, all about the relationship. Maybe that is just what happens when two introspective people come together
I am sure it seems that way from what I post here!
I see you as both in the same boat, needing to sort out a lot of things in life before you worry about a relationship.
Yes, we do both have a lot of balls in the air we are juggling right now. I think my life will always be like that though, honestly. I have always been very involved in lots of stuff. It does stress me sometimes, and he is the same way, but the nice thing is that after dealing with this stuff all day it was so nice to come home together, relax on the couch together, make supper and just destress a bit together. I miss that in the evenings.

You have posted in the past that the stress of school, work, family, finances, and community obligations was affecting your health. It seems as though you have found a way to cope, but you would be in such a better place to date if you could finish school and get your finances in order first.
Yes, I finally got health insurance last month (YAY!!!!) and am now playing catch up with getting my health back together. I think I may always be in school. I like school. Even after I am working full time, I would like to keep up on a night class here or there and eventually work towards a doctorate, so I don't think I want to wait for that to end....I do understand what you are saying though, but honestly, I don't know if my life will ever be less stressful.
It is easy to make concessions in a romantic partner when you are not at your best. Iím not established in a career, so why should I expect it of a partner?
I see your point with that also. I know I have made those types of concessions in the past.

Maybe take a break, or at least scale back on the intensity of the relationship. Quit future faking and talking about the relationship and let actions define its course. Give yourselves time to focus on yourselves and get your lives sorted.
That seems to be happening naturally now that we are not spending as much time together. We are both focusing more on dealing with our obligations and other issues. I am starting to get used to the separation a bit now and and I can see where this stepping back and slowing down can have some benefits for the long run.


Iím sorry if this is overly harsh. I obviously donít know what is best for you, but you seem like such a caring person and I worry this relationship is distracting you from taking care of yourself.
It isn't harsh, it is valid, and thank you Crescita!

Every time we have an issue people rush to point out our age gap however most of the things that we have dealt with are things that every couple deals with. You are both transitioning in your lives which in itself is enough to make your head spin, school, new career, new relationship, all hard on their own, combined it must be very difficult.
Yes, the transitioning stuff is difficult but it is nice having someone to always bounce my thoughts off of and we can talk to each other about our stresses and achievements, our difficulties and our thoughts. I am so glad you are commenting here, I know you are in the same type of situation so I value your input. Thank you!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, September 12th (Thursday)

The curfew deal is hard! I would have a hard time with that. I think it's a time to step back and re-group after a period of growing closer. Reaffirm your relationships with friends, your personal hobbies and interests, whatever you do to understand your own motivations so that your are emotionally independent and not so swayed by what happens in the relationship. It's a time to pull back, wait and see, and reconnect with friends.

I think people get into mommy/son and daddy/daughter deals even when they are same age, I've seen that plenty of times so I don't automatically go there when I see big age differences.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5826 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

whatever you do to understand your own motivations so that your are emotionally independent and not so swayed by what happens in the relationship.
Yes, that is kind of what is happening right now also. It is making me see him in a new light and while it is kind of scary losing the intense bond we had, it is kind of nice right now to see that I am still happy to see him when we are able to get together, and I still value him and our relationship.

I think people get into mommy/son and daddy/daughter deals even when they are same age, I've seen that plenty of times so I don't automatically go there when I see big age differences.
Thank you for this also. Before I dated him, I did mistakenly feel that when there was a large age gap there were probably some parent/child issues going on (or just sex) but I found after falling in love with him that I was mistaken.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:58 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
cruelty
New Member
Member # 35951
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, September 13th (Friday)

I can understand a person being in a less than perfect situation as they try to get their lives together. Jobs are hard to come by. School is expensive. People work out agreements with family, knowing "how they are". Many of us have been there, job loss, high cost of living, debt. You do what you got to do. I would not fault him for that.
That said, sometimes the timing is way off in relationships. I had a bf about 5 years younger than me. He was finishing up school, living with his dad. At the time, it was fine. We had a good time together, he was a good man. He treated me well. I loved him. But after awhile, our lifestyles just didn't come together. We were on 2 different tracks. It took awhile for it to be over, but eventually it just was.


"The trick to forgetting the big picture is to look at everything close up" -Chuck Palahniuk

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2012
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, September 13th (Friday)

I can understand a person being in a less than perfect situation as they try to get their lives together. Jobs are hard to come by.
Today he finally got a call-back and he has a job interview on Monday!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15231 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 61