We had a lovely day - big party at daycare (family and non-daycare friends party is this weekend) with surprise appearances by Tinkerbell and a Pirate who also happened to be master face-painters and balloon twisters.
I then picked the girls up early and we had a fun-filled park visit followed by dinner and icecream at our favourite Thai restaurant (right next door to the old house - we live only 1km/0.6 miles away) then lots of shenannigans at bathtime and before bed followed by a squealing game of peekabo with the kittens chasing our hands under the bedroom door.
A blissful day all up.
The hard part? I posted a pic of her first bath at home on FB and we started going through all of their baby photos on my FB. I forgot how much they love seeing these photos and hearing about the first time I saw them. I forgot how misty the thoughts and memories make me. I'm sad that I find these photos hard to look at. A little angry too.
I was so desperately sad during their babyhood. They were the easiest babies on the planet but deep down I always wondered if all time and energy I put into them caused the huge gulf in my M. I now know it definitely wasn't but still, I'm sad for ever having the thought. For the lost time. Time I'll never get back.
I'm more than making up for it now - even with 50/50 I am ten times the mother I was back then. Patient, engaged, happy, loving. I was those things before but it wasn't always natural like it is now, I faked it a lot.
I know the only way through it is through it but damn - their baby photos and birth stories being a trigger sucks arse. Big.Time.
Have any of you been through this too and does it pass eventually? It has dampened from the last 2 birthdays but I guess I'm looking for some hope that this in particular won't happen come up every time I look at their photos or think of their lovely birth stories.
TBH I'm also a worried that I was a bit hesitant to type these feelings out let alone actually post it. To date I have really enjoyed embracing my vulnerability but I'm not liking it one bit ATM.