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Just Found Out
User Topic: New here
BittersweetSep
New Member
Member # 40609
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, September 9th (Monday)

I am new to the board. I wish I wasn't.
Found out yesterday, I feel like I am trapped in a nightmare.

I am 37 weeks pregnant, so the timing is pretty crappy. I also have a 3 yr old daughter for whom I must try to hold it together.

I guess I should post what happened? Random meeting, in a hotel room. Twice. Pictures on line.
It's hard to put it into coherent sentences right now.

I am hoping to find some support on this board to help me keep it together. I don't want a divorce. I am lost.


Trying to forgive.
Found out 9-8-13
37 weeks pregnant

Posts: 4 | Registered: Sep 2013
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, September 9th (Monday)

Welcome BittersweetSep

Right now focus on your health and your daughter's well being. That might be all that you can do right now. Try to sleep. Stay hydrated and nourished.

If you aren't up to posting right now, then do some reading in the threads here and in the Healing Library (link is on the left side)



AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51532 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, September 9th (Monday)

Oh, honey. I am so sorry. We all know the nightmare feeling.

Put yourself, your daughter and your pregnancy first. Think about telling someone who can help IRL too. Maybe your BFF, sister, or doctor.

Seeing a counselor was extremely helpful to me--I needed to say all my worst fears out loud, but not to my WH.

You will survive this, and eventually, you and your sweet kids will be thriving and happy with or without your husband.

Most importantly right now, his cheating is not your fault. He did not cheat because of you or the marriage. He betrayed his pregnant wife and daughter because something is very wrong inside him.

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

It's really all about him and his brokenness. I hope he takes full responsibility for what he's done and gets his sorry ass into individual counseling ASAP.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, September 9th (Monday)

My stomach is in knots for you right now. Your pain pours off the screen.

I am so sorry you are suffering like this, but I want to assure you...it will get better.

You will be OK but it is going to take some time.

You have already taken the first step to healing, you reached out for support. You found a very safe place full of very compassionate people that know exactly what you're going through (although not all of us were pregnant when we found out but some on here were)

We've all been where you are now with the early stages of infidelity) and we have made it out the other side.

We will do our best to help you while you find your way, too.

I hope you share the rest of your story. I also hope your WH has come to his senses and is working to repair the immense damage he has done.

For now, please take good care of you and your babies.

As hard as it is, please try and eat and get some rest. Please reach out to a friend or family member that can help you.

This is not your secret to keep. You need help right now.

If nothing else please know that his choice to cheat is not your fault. It is not.

Please do not beat yourself up. You didn't do anything wrong. All of us missed most of the red flags. That just means you love your WH and never expected you should be LOOKING for red flags.

The shock of infidelity can cause PTSD. It takes such a heavy toll on the betrayed. What you're feeling is normal, awful but normal. Sometimes it takes months to begin to process it all. Do what you need to do to heal yourself. Be kind to you now.

If you can go to IC, it helps a lot. It is your WH's job to fix himself. You can't fix him because you didn't break him. You did nothing wrong.

With time, you can work together to fix your relationship and save your marriage if that is what you decide you want.

Please TRY and take care of yourself and your baby. Stress is evil on its on right but to add pregnancy to it can be dangerous health wise. I say try, because we all know that is easier said than done.

Sending prayers and hugs your way.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1103 | Registered: Apr 2013
BittersweetSep
New Member
Member # 40609
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, September 9th (Monday)

Thank you. It feels like a very lonely process, I am not sure who to tell. It's tricky, if we stay together (which is my hope) I don't want people judging me/us.

He is sorry, he wants to make it work. It's just so recent. I am trying to drink water and stay hydrated. Food? I am trying, it's like choking down sand paper.

He will give me passwords. I told him I need to be able to see his phone whenever I want. I want access to all our financial records. I told him he needs to get tested for stds. He met the same person twice. (I want to believe it but ...well who knows right?)

I want the tears to stop. My daughter looks at me and asks "why are you sad mommy? Are you happy mommy?"

She is 3. She doesn't need to see this. She doesn't deserve this. My unborn baby doesn't deserve this. I didn't deserve this. Sigh.

I am sorry if I am rambling.


Trying to forgive.
Found out 9-8-13
37 weeks pregnant

Posts: 4 | Registered: Sep 2013
sad81712
New Member
Member # 37418
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, September 9th (Monday)

I've feel your pain. I've been there. You may want to confide in your ob/gyn. He/She will be able to help you. Read the healing library. It's okay to let your tears out!! Let your daughter know you had some "sad news" but you're and everything is okay! It is hard to keep it together in front of your kids. My kids were 13 & 14 when I found out....it was very hard to act happy in front of them so I asked our close friends to keep them for a couple of days while I could "think" and we could talk!
Just because this happen does not mean you need to divorce! Many of us here have not divorced.



Dday 8/12
false R 8/13
thing are better but not the same....
Dday #2 10/13

Posts: 26 | Registered: Nov 2012
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, September 9th (Monday)

How did you find out? Did he tell you?

You don't have to tell everyone but someone that can help you. A family member, a trusted friend? You need support in real life. If they are truly your family/friend they will not judge you. They will hurt for you and be there for you. Just think about it.

Your WH can't be the only one to help you heal bc he is the person that caused the pain.

Try Ensure or milkshake something. You need your strength, as hard as it is.

We are here. Take care.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1103 | Registered: Apr 2013
sad81712
New Member
Member # 37418
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, September 9th (Monday)

BittersweetSept, You are very smart.....you're right -be very careful who you tell! I am just like you not wanting people to judge us. At first, I only told two people because I needed their help. Once you tell someone it will change your relationship with them!! Throughout the year I told 4 other people. 2 which were my sister and sister-in-law...I really need family support from them but they never gave it to me. They didn't want to get involved!! Now my relationship with them has been changed forever. People will judge you...and only you will know how to handle your relationship. Can you find a marriage counselor?



Dday 8/12
false R 8/13
thing are better but not the same....
Dday #2 10/13

Posts: 26 | Registered: Nov 2012
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, September 9th (Monday)

I am so very sorry that you had the reason to find us. But we are here to support you through your nightmare. You will survive this, and I promise you that one day you will be happy again.

Please do take your OB/GYN into your confidence. This next part is hard, so very hard. You are going to need to have a complete STD/HIV panel run on you and it needs to happen immediately due to your pregnancy. You need to do this even if he tells you that he had "protected" sex and used a condom. All a condom really does is mostly protect against unwanted pregnancies. If he kissed her, if either of them went down on the other one, it was not protected sex. You cannot trust his word on this matter first, because he is a liar and liars lie, and most importantly, because of the baby you are carrying. He has put not only your life at risk, but the babies as well. Please make that phone call to your OB/GYN today. Each and every one of us has had to make that call to our own doctors, so we all know how hard it''s going to be. But you really don''t have choice. This is just another shit sandwich that your WH has served up to you. He needs to be screened too and he needs to have his doctor show you the results. You cannot accept his word because, well, liars lie. I''m so very sorry.

Please come back often for support. We''re all here for you. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4588 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
pregnantandsad
Member
Member # 40141
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, September 9th (Monday)

I am so sorry, I know the pain of a cheating spouse while pregnant- I found out at 30 weeks.

I understand not knowing who to talk to, and I agree with a poster above who mentioned talking to your OBGYN. Mine has been very understanding and helpful, and my nurse has been even better, sometimes literally lending a shoulder to cry on. Try to rest, eat a bit and drink lots of water. Just knowing that you are actively still caring for yourself and your unborn baby can make you feel better and that you still have some control.

I have a 4 year old daughter and it's hard to keep it together around her, but there is no shame in admitting to her that you have been a little sad but still love her and will be ok.

Sending lots of thoughts and hugs to you.


M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD4 and a newborn
D-Day 7/2013 he didn't want R and moved in with OW
Filing for D

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, September 9th (Monday)

Oh BittersweetSep, I am so so sorry you found us. My daughter was 4 when I found out and I will never forget her little voice asking me "Why are you so sad all of the time, Mommy?". It's heartbreaking. I hate, hate, hate to say this but you must listen to Skan - you MUST call your doctor today.

I too couldn't eat anything. Everything tasted like cardboard. If you have a blender try making smoothies or tell your H to make them for you. You can make large batches and freeze them in zip lock bags. Before you go to bed, take one out of the freezer, let it defrost in the fridge and then you can just snip a corner and pour it into a glass. Buy protein powder and add it to the smoothies.

I am so, so, so sorry you found us. But we will be here to support you. Oh and you NEED in person support. What about your Mother?

I hope your H is being remorseful and supportive...


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 261 | Registered: Mar 2013
Girlietoo
Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, September 9th (Monday)

I''m really really sorry. It is a special kind of awful to find this out while pregnant. I wish I had more to offer than ((hugs)). Please take care of yourself and your littles. Don''t feel pressure to make any big decisions. There is plenty of time to figure out what to do in the future.


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 235 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Needadrink
Member
Member # 40512
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, September 9th (Monday)

Oh sweetheart I just want to reach out and take you in my arms and hold you. Your pain comes across very loud and clear. To find out about this when you could give birth any day is beyond belief.I am much older than you and found out 3 Months ago That my H has been cheating for 18 yrs with the same women. It's good that you have found out early so you can really save your marriage. As for me food no longer feels like i'm swallowing a watermelon and I am working on it day to day. Time helps and you will feel better but there are many triggers. Hold on to your sanity and give those precious children of yours all the love you have because he doesn't deserve it.


BS 57
WH 58
M 28 yrs together 32
D Day 10th April 2013
20 Yrs of Infidelity with long term affair 18 yrs but only seen a couple of times a year. 3 Prostitutes, sexual Massages.Ongoing Porn. lapdances.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2013
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, September 9th (Monday)

Hello Bittersweet,

I'm so sorry you're here, but I'm glad you found us.

I understand about not being able to eat or drink. During the week after D-day (that's discovery day), I lost 13 pounds. Chocolate protein shakes, super cold with a straw, were the only thing I could manage once I did start eating again. Cold chunks of pineapple were also good and the sugar helped my energy level. Experiment until you find something that works for you... you must have nourishment for yourself and your baby.

Stay focused on yourself right now. You've just gone through a huge trauma, and you're still reeling. You need time to steady yourself and regroup, both physically and mentally. Try not to make any decisions right now about your marriage. If he's truly remorseful, your H will wait patiently until you're ready to start talking about things. Take it slow, slow, slow. One step at a time, and only as you feel able. Stay focused on yourself, your baby, and your daughter. Because no matter what happens with your marriage, the THREE of you are family forever and they need you to be healthy and strong.

(((Hugs))) to you. Hang in there.


Me: Looking forward to the future
Him: Left behind in the past

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 674 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
BittersweetSep
New Member
Member # 40609
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, September 9th (Monday)

On my way to labor & delivery.
Contractions. Because of course this how the universe works.
Sigh.


Trying to forgive.
Found out 9-8-13
37 weeks pregnant

Posts: 4 | Registered: Sep 2013
TheNothing
New Member
Member # 40616
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, September 9th (Monday)

BittersweetSep, you are not alone. I also discovered my husband's infidelity at 9 months pregnant. Scary common, hey?

Please take care of yourself, and your baby. You are creating a new life, something beautiful and wonderful. You deserve support.


BS(me): 34
WH: 42
4 kids: 8,6,4, and a newborn
D-day: Aug 2013...new and raw

Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

(((hugs))) I''ll be praying for a swift and safe delivery for you and your baby.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4588 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Prayers for a safe and healthy delivery. Focus on the miracle of
God's gift - this baby. Keep us posted - we all want you and your baby to be healthy. That is what is most important right now. Good luck.

Hugs !!


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1103 | Registered: Apr 2013
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Hugs honey, we'll be thinking of you today, welcome to your new babe.



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Apr 2009
iwillNOT
Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

BittersweetSep,

I am praying for you today as you focus on the most important things, that is, you and your baby. You are stronger than you think. Take whatever you need right now, whatEVER you need. You cannot control what your DH does right now, nor change what he did in the past; tap into that mama- bear inside you for strength and if he doesn't step up as he should, then he can wait to be dealt with until you are good and ready and are finished with bringing your new wee one into the world. Please give yourself lots of leeway, treat yourself with all the kindness you deserve. Do you have family nearby, to pamper you after the baby comes? Can you hire a postpartum doula to care for you for a week after the birth?


I wish you peace.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 470 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
BittersweetSep
New Member
Member # 40609
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Thank you everyone for your positive thoughts and prayers. Everything went smoothly.

My baby girl is here :) 6 lb 9 oz.
Perfect little girl.

My 3 yr old came over and she was so happy to finally meet her little sister. The misterious "baby in the belly" she was perfect holding her. They are my saving grace.

Husband was/is here. I am trying very hard to put things aside for a minute because I don't want to tarnish the memory of my baby's birth story. However the keyword is "trying".

I catch myself looking at my husband and being so happy and then glancing back and remembering that he was intimate with someone else. While I was pregnant. It's hard


Trying to forgive.
Found out 9-8-13
37 weeks pregnant

Posts: 4 | Registered: Sep 2013
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Congratulations on your precious bundle of joy.

Try to enjoy this time. You don't have to make any big decisions right now. Just get through the throught weeks best you can.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by sadtoo at 8:23 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7994 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Thinkingtoomuch
Member
Member # 31765
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)


Congratulations Bittersweet on your new baby girl!! Just hold her, love her and marvel at her innocence. Such a gift.

You sound like a very strong woman. Try to get some rest and drink and eat.



Posts: 752 | Registered: Apr 2011
iwillNOT
Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Congratulations on your beautiful baby! I hope you can take comfort from that precious, pure love for your new angel. Take care of yourself, baby needs you to. I wish you all the best.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 470 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 5:17 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Congratulations on that beautiful life that you just brought into this world , truly amazing . I read your post and live the pain all over again . For me it is over 5 months now and although I am no where near out of the woods , the pain has eased somewhat. You have gotten great advice here please take it . I wish you all the best in your long journey ahead and know you are not alone .


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 612 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
sohowamI
Member
Member # 36671
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

I was 7 months pregnant with my second child when I found out that my WS had a drunken ONS at a works Christmas party many moons ago. I also had a 2 1/2 year old. He gave me Chlymidia which was passed onto my unborn daughter.

When he found out that he had an infection and that he had to tell me, obviously he was contrite and promised on bended knees that he would NEVER EVER EVER betray me again. I believed him. I was alone. No family in this country and financially dependent upon him. I had no one to talk to about it (and the only 'friend' that I did tell, blanked me forever after...)

Within six months of my daughter's birth he embarked on a ten year affair with another (divorced) woman. During that time he had another two affairs. To date he has had eleven affairs, one of which lasted for twelve years subsequent to the others and has produced (so far as I know) at least one other child.

Had I had known what was to be the future, I would have left him there. Whatever the outcome of being alone...

I found out about all the others last year - I had numerous 'DDays.'

My advice: Someone who cheats on a pregnant wife is someone who has no boundaries and is severely impaired with regards to real intimacy with their wife. He has some kind of hole to fill that you won't be able to. I'm sorry to have to speak like this.

IF he goes into intensive IC and you both have MC and everything is out and above board and you feel that you can trust this man again, then give it a chance but remember that you are dealing with what could be a pattern of behaviour for the rest of your married life.

Please look after yourself and your other child. I know just how hard this is.

Hugs to you.


WS had two LTAs of 10 years and 12 years; further 8/9 affairs; EAs, 2 OC. Looks horrific but he is fully immersed in trying to find the 'broken.' It's on-going and painful. If there's a blue sky and sunshine, then it's a good day.

Posts: 165 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
WIgirl
New Member
Member # 40533
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Congratulations on your new baby girl! You've gotten a lot of great advice. I hate that you're here...((HUGS)).


Me: 38 yo BW
Him: 40 yo WH
2 daughters (8, 5); married 15 yrs
DD: 6/2/13 (5 mo EA/PA with coworker)
Separated/Divorcing

Posts: 49 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 27