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Reconciliation
User Topic: New book....the 5 Love Languages
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, September 9th (Monday)

Everyone....going to start a new path with reading and venture into a more positive direction. Picked up the book the 5 Love Languages so that H and I can understand how we communicate love. Broaden our understanding of what makes the other feel special and loved and appreciated. Not a super big book and maybe everyone needs a little lighter read on a positive direction.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, September 9th (Monday)

Good book, has been recommended here often.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8984 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, September 9th (Monday)

GREAT book! Mr Lucky and I were exactly the same. Ironically our son-in-law recommended it.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
SecondHelping
Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, September 9th (Monday)

This is a great book. I read it and am still waiting on fWW to read it...5 months now...it would be better if you both read it and share results with each other.

[This message edited by SecondHelping at 7:46 PM, September 9th (Monday)]


D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, Kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 468 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
musiclovingmom
Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, September 9th (Monday)

I read this book in college. Long before I ever got married. It is fabulous! There is also an online quiz you can take to help determine your love language. My H and I did it a while back. Our love languages were posted on the fridge for awhile. Maybe it is time to revisit that.

Posts: 882 | Registered: Jan 2013
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, September 9th (Monday)

great book.....don't forget to take the free online quiz that quickly and accurately lets you know what your love language is....it can be different then you think.

Self discovery is one of the more exciting parts of this journey.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, September 9th (Monday)

I am so excited that so many of my trusted post friends also recommend this book. I will start reading it tonight.

My hubby was really happy that the new book is so positive driven and should be helpful in our quest to improve and thrive.

Thanks for your in sights everyone!

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, September 9th (Monday)

Hi there T,

That is one of the very first books our MC recommended -- at our very first sessions! We both had huge AHA moments when we read it. It's very simple to get the concept. Once we "got it", I felt so stupid that I had been married for almost 20 years and never really figured this out. Good Lord.

My biggest problem is this: I can easily speak all the love languages to my H, except the one that is his primary language, Words of Affirmation. In the past, the reason I believe is that I was raised by immigrants (Dad-German, Mom- Swiss)and I was not raised in a culture of much praise. Certain things were expected and certain things were just understood.

My problem in my current situation is that I feel like his ego was one of the main drivers of his A... and I can get resentful of needing to stroke his ego now to make him feel loved. God knows, I am truly trying, but it is very hard for me. Much easier to stroke his arm, hug, touch, provide acts of service, bring home a little thoughtful gift, or spend quality time together. But tell him how wonderful he is -- sometimes I want to choke on that! So I am always looking for positive affirmations that I CAN stomach at this point of time. Some moments are easier than others. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else...

However, I will say that, while simple, these Love Languages are right on the mark. I also bought "Love Languages for Teenagers" -- hoping to make some break-throughs on that front too, if I can!!!!

Hugs to you!


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 20 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, MC/IC/FC,
He officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 526 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, September 9th (Monday)

SS1 - I hear you about the affirmations thing! I have felt that, but hadn't put it into words.

I made the mistake of getting the audio book, and didn't care for the author's tone. But, the material is great. We had our son (9) do it as well, and it was interesting to see what he needs too!


me - BS (45)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"An affair is more akin to a mental illness than a relationship."

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1346 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, September 9th (Monday)

Hey Still!!!!! Thanks for adding that great in sight. I am looking forward to the book. It is nice to look at something positive for a change.

Booked dinner reservations for tomorrow night ( our actual anniversary ) since dinner in the mountains was so rudely interrupted by huge pains from my surgery. Was in bed by 8 just as my caribou was being served. I felt horrible. Also bought no less then 4 anniversary cards......just couldn't decide. Some where just not appropriate at all!!!!M

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
naivewife
Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, September 9th (Monday)

Ugh, bought this book two weeks ago and can't get WH to read it! I bought it because he said the affair books were too painful, hit too close to home so I thought this would be perfect. Nope, for whatever reason, he can't quite bring himself to read this one either, but he's read two other non A/non relationship books in the meantime.
Is there any reason why he can't just do the quiz without reading the book? I'm thinking maybe if I just said "this is my love language, read that chapter" and he could tell me his, then it would be something at least. I do fear his is also words of affirmation though, and like someone above, I too was raised in a non-praise (dutch)household and now, after his ego stroke fest,I find it especially hard to say much more than "That shirt looks nice!" or whatever!


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 339 | Registered: Feb 2013
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, September 9th (Monday)

Read it about a year and a half ago. Major light bulb moment for me.

Ironically, it helped in communicating with my kids too.

Also checked out the 5 apologies. Had some interesting findings there as well.

Happy reading.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"You can do it!" - R. Schneider


Posts: 5465 | Registered: Nov 2011
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

I decided we really "need" a poll on this.... Just put it up in General. Please go chime in on your LL vs your spouse's LL! I wonder if there any pattern!!!!!

T, sorry that post-op pain interrupted your anniversary weekend!!!!!


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 20 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, MC/IC/FC,
He officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 526 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Patchy
Member
Member # 39228
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Excellent book. Every couple should read it. I had learned about the love languages, and a lightbulb definitely went off for me when I realized touch was not just something he wanted, but something he needed to feel loved. And yet I still had issue with it no matter how I tried.

A year or two later, after the shocking reality that he had basically given up on our marriage, I bought the book and devoured it and worked hard to implement what I learned. However it was too late. Not go my marriage, but he had already started seeing her before I got that shocking revelation and I found out shortly after reading the book.

Ugh.

At any rate ... I'm so glad to know you are reading it. Hopefully he will too. It may just change your marriage drastically.


Me BS 44
Him FWS 45
Married 23 Years
DDay 1 July 2012
DDay 2 Christmas Day 2013 same woman
EA with kissing, very strong bond and talk of leaving spouses for each other.

Posts: 93 | Registered: May 2013
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 4:11 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Still.....it's ok, I figured it was worth it. That's the only pain I experienced this past weekend which is a whole lot better then what I was feeling this time last year. To be on the eve of our 1 year Dday and know that I was ready to leave, even without knowing about the A, shows me just how incredibly far we have come in this first year. The card I gave him last year at this time says it all.....my love was strong enough to survive the rain.....oh my god did I have no idea a flood was so eminent back then!!!!!! Hubby's card to me last year proved just how disconnected he was.....the card said Happy Birthday, not Happy Anniversary....I AM NOT JOKING! He discovered that 2 weeks after Dday. He couldn't believe he was so blind and stupid. It just goes to show you how disconnected we had both become from our world.

So, a little abdominal pain, really justified abdominal pain is a relief this year.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Topic Posts: 15