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Reconciliation
User Topic: Pulling my weight
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, September 9th (Monday)

I think, if a person is in reconciliation, that they make a choice to be reconciled and every day weigh their actions on this choice. My husband is doing this. I am not.
He went to a business golf event, garnered some business for himself, and win two tix for us to a football game. I said that's great, how'd you golf, what did you have for supper? And then a while later told him that all this was at the expense if his wife, that I don't know if the OW will be there or if he'll tell me if he sees them. He was very open and honest about the golfing and who he was with and checked in several times during the day.
But I was still a little anxious. He said these ppl are no longer threats. I said I don't know that. That its going to take years to build trust again.
He came over and hugged me and told me I was worth putting up with my affair and he made that choice. Could I please make a choice as it isn't fair to him that he is honest and shares and then gets " yelled at" like a child? I said probably not but I don't know what to do and I'm just sharing how I feel...,,
I said I have to make that choice every day..
And I said you didn't make that choice for a while either mrrachelc....

I cannot bite it off yet. Will anything he does ever be good enough?

[This message edited by rachelc at 8:44 PM, September 9th (Monday)]


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4886 | Registered: Dec 2010
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, September 9th (Monday)

I hope so Rachel....I hope so. You are right thought that if you want to move in a direction it is best to do so with positive intent. If you can't move towards your husband then move towards yourself....move towards making you less upset, less stressed, more whole again. Once you start a direction you will instantly feel better just because you are MOVING.

Your H sounds like he is doing a good job at trying to make you feel safe. Is there anything else today that he could have done that would have made you feel any different? Happier? Safer????

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, September 9th (Monday)

Rachel,

Just wanted to share with you a recent event that is a bit similar to yours. Even though things are going well in the T household that doesn't mean that I don't worry about trusting and encounters and such. We were at a huge week long golf tournament 2 weeks ago where not only is there golf all day but activities, dinner and dancing all night. It is a cesspool of high achieving people many who are on a 2 nd to 4th marriage. I had many duties in each day during the week and I found myself exhausted many of the evenings. One night in particular I was falling asleep at the table and hubby was enjoying myself. This was the very FIRST time I was able to leave him behind and retire alone to our room. I felt sick to my stomach, panicked a bit on my walk back to the room and found myself staying wide awake until H came home. To my surprise he had spent the time having a drink with a business contact, having a characters drawn of himself and then right home to our room. He surprised me and I thought right then I need to start trusting him more. If I don't let go at some point of my fear how can he ever earn the trust back!

Even when things are going well I still find that special little panic when he goes out on his own. Now yes I have the freedoms to know his OW is 4000 miles away but that's not stopping someone else from approaching him.

S in the end I have decided that I can't control everything and that we have had to start trusting that H has learned his lesson. I think he has but it will still take a really long time to get comfortable again.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 2:40 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Do you think that these are the only two women in the world that are threats to your M if your H wants to cheat?

At some point you will have to make a choice if this was a deal breaker for you or not.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4831 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

TG - nope. And I agree. Just not sure when that time is yet and if I can live with the uncomfortableness for the rest of my life..,,
My IC advised me to make a tally sheet of things I'll just have to live with if I stay. Really, this is what it's come down to?
People here are way more accepting of their spouses actions than me.

[This message edited by rachelc at 6:21 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4886 | Registered: Dec 2010
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

People here are way more accepting of their spouses actions than me.

Not just people, but your H as well.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4831 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Oh I wouldn't say I have ever accepted my husbands behaviour. If I had to talk about it openly I still think his behaviour was disgusting, selfish, a horrible act of terrorism on our marriage and my own person. But I have been able to accept WHY we got to this in our life....WHY the A was just waiting in the wings to happen, if not for both of us. I can't sit in judgement of a person who was acting in the light of what our marriage had become....an empty shell that had pretty wrapping paper.

I guess I have chosen to unwrap that box in all its glory and allow the world to see the dirty rotten core, a core we BOTH had a hand in creating....a core that is now new, small and brimming with hope.

I don't have the faintest clue if this was helpful....sorry.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Not just people, but your H as well.

yep, we're different people. stands to reason.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4886 | Registered: Dec 2010
Topic Posts: 8