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Reconciliation
User Topic: Sex after hb - personal content : )
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

HI all,

This is a really personal post and if you are at all shy of reading or discussing sex please don't read on.

I read the post about renewed kissing and it got me wondering about renewed sex lives.

Well we had the whole hysterical bonding thing for a few weeks after dday then my sex drive took a nose dive while the reality of affair sank in, still not quite there with believing he cheated but things are improving and our sex life seems to be one of the first things to show me how good our future could be...

My question is has anyone else found sex after HB ends is drastically improved.

My H had always been into porn now he can't stand it as it reminds him how sordid sex is when you don't want to do it, and how amazing it is with the right person when you focus on sex being special. He has even stopped masturbating cos he says his body is mine now and he would rather save his O's for me.

well, there has been quite a difference in our sex life! Can't really share this without being graphic but things like more kissing and caresses in the day. Loving texts while he is a work. BUt the most amazing change is actually in the bedroom (or anywhere else for that matter )

He used to be silent in bed now he tells me I am beautiful and how good things feel. He actually stopped mid way the other night and said 'don't move I just want to stay this close' have to say that blew me away.

Now for the really intimate stuff, sorry this is so graphic but it's this stuff that I can't believe. He used to be a one shot wonder but now we stay together after holding and touching and before I know it we are on round two. This can go on for hours. It's like as soon as we are 'together' he refuses to separate. I never used to be able to O and he could only do it once every two days. Now we are both shuddering and juddering for ages and surprised how our bodies are reacting to our new sex life! we didn't know we had it in us.

I am sorry if this is tmi but I really really want to know if anyone else is experiencing the same sort of transformation in their sex lives or if I am just one lucky lady.

Ap got none of that just a minutes fumble then he says he got slapped in the face with the enormity of what he was doing and stopped it straight away. He says it was like being blackmailed cos she was refusing to take him home and hinting she would tell me of the EA if he didn't do what she wanted. She didn't touch him once as it was all a game to her so now he knows how bad sex can be he seems to see it as far more personal than he did.

I used to be quite shy of romance, found the term 'making love' cheesy and hated pet names etc. Thought flowers were a waste of money and discouraged any 'fuss'. I didn't know what I was missing out on.

the only way to describe sex now really is making love. It's totally changed. He calls me baby and sweetie and I call him honey. I now accept little gifts as gestures of love instead of being embarrassed by them and thinking the money would be better spent on necessities.

It's like we are dating again but even better. He says it's cos he knows how close he came to losing me and has realised I am all he wants in the world now and it makes him frantic to be close.

I just wonder if this is typical as most of us seem to have experienced HB I wonder if it has led to more intimacy for most people. I really hope so.

[This message edited by olwen at 5:41 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 662 | Registered: Jul 2013
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 5:37 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

He used to be a one shot wonder like most men...

Hey...that's a pretty sweeping generalization. Some men (and women) here might disagree with your statement.

The rest of your post is a lovely ode to intimacy fueled connection, and how that ramps up sexual expression. We keep our "pilot light" burning with daily loving and intimate "little things", and the shuddering and juddering takes care of itself - often. Picture ridiculous middle aged rabbits acting like teen aged lovers. Our kids say ewwww a lot to our pda's at home.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Just desserts you are quite right! I will go back and delete that comment. I wrote it without thinking. I have only ever been with three men so I really have no reason for that comment I haven't 'known' enough men to comment and shouldn't make sweeping statements anyway. It was a slip so please accept my apologies.


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 662 | Registered: Jul 2013
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Also I think if you can make your kids go ewwww you're definitely doing something right

Our little boy is so relieved that we are 'staying together' that he just grins when he sees us hugging and kissing. The day we make him go ewwww will be a good one lol.

[This message edited by olwen at 5:52 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 662 | Registered: Jul 2013
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Our sex life is suffering, so I cant speak to your main question as to whether or not sex gets better after the A.

I can, however, speak to the way in which your husband is interacting with you and how it has changed.

I am a BH. I humbly admit that in many ways my actions pre-A resembled that of your husbands. Since the affair I have decided, like your husband, that any and all sex will involve my wife....nothing else. No masturbation, not fantasies, no porn, no nothing.

At first it was challenging...would have been so even without the dang mess that the A brought into our marriage, but made tougher due to the anger and sadness.

BUT, just like your husband, the sex we do have is so different then the sex we did have. And it has positive effects....really positive effects, throughout my entire life....not just in the bedroom. Its like I discovered a new way to exist...a new set of tools that make life.....easier? more fulfilling? better? Sorry, cant really describe it...just know that other parts of your husband life are improving as well...which will continue to positively reinforce this new, healthier way of living within him. It is lasting change.

So what you are seeing and experiencing from your husband is real...it is not an act....if he is like me, and by your details I really think he is, he is a new man in the bedroom.....and a new man OUTSIDE of the bedroom.

Whether he is Christian or not, this is how God desires us to be around our wives. We are to guard our wives heart, cherish her, sacrifice for her, to love her, to honor her.

That is what he is doing. That is what I have a renewed commitment to do.

My past is a part of me. I am neither proud of this or offer it up as an execuse....I simply view sex so very differently now. I did not understand the harm I was doing pre-A to our intimacy. I do now.

Congratulations on improved sex. It will do nothing but improve your union to your husband.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:40 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3609 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Thank you so much for that male perspective blakesteele. I got a bit of a lump in my throat reading it. You seem to be on completely the same page as my H and it's lovely to hear.

I am sorry to hear your sex life is suffering though. I hope things pick up soon, it sounds like you truly love your wife.

we are not religious but we do hold to Christian beliefs on morality etc. I think that's part of what has changed H. He has realised his morals were too lax and can't believe what he has done.

Onwards and upwards now. I love my new and improved H more than ever and hope it continues, I feel it will


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 662 | Registered: Jul 2013
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Sex prior to DDay was awful for me with my husband. Because I was yet another way for him to act out in his SA. I often compared myself to an unpaid prostitute. We had no emotional connection at all.

Now, we've done a complete 180. We have emotional intimacy and sex is completely focusing on each other. He is NOT just about himself at all anymore. We look at each other, talk to each other, and fully immerse ourselves into the moment. It's amazing. I've even cried due to sheer connection. It's not just about getting off for him and me just going through the motions anymore. It's all about connecting and experiencing.

And you're right...the AP's never got that and I focus on that too. I get things he never shared with anyone else.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

HB happened at my instigation a few weeks after d-day, and apart from a few glitches where I just couldn't stand the idea of sex with him due to extreme anger and hurt, it's continued to be a really important part of our lives.More frequent(several times a week) than it has for years,much more adventurous and honest than I think it's ever been, and much more instigated by me. I'm 54 and he's 61,long may it continue... And it's all due to us being able to communicate properly.
I really do feel that,as a member of the fairer sex(!)that I need to feel a good emotional bond before I want to have sex with anybody.Interesting side point,he had the LTA without getting emotionally involved (described them as fuck-buddies),we weren't getting on very well and sex life between us dwindled dramatically (no,I'm NOT justifying his affair). OW obviously was expecting more commitment from him despite him telling her quite clearly he was just there for sex, and was extremely pissed off with him when he finished it.Horrible,horrible,but at least he laid it out on the line to her at the start. I have read this is a common difference between men and women.
I think having a good sexual relationship with you partner is a vital part of a good marriage,I think I didn't realise until this all blew up how important it is. I'm sure that our good times in bed have played a huge part in helping to heal both of us,the closeness it brings I don't think can be surpassed.


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 220 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Apology accepted, olwen, and power on for making your little guy go eeewwwwww!

We are loving our renewed connection, and also NEW connection. When were out in a date, or with family, we just love having an unspoken, and usually unobserved, connection: a touch, gesture, wink, whisper, glance...that is ours alone. We've been "caught" in the act a few times by another couple or one half of a couple, and they either get it (because they do it too!) or look either miffed or jealous...or both.

We are loving nurturing our pilot light! And the good feelings spill over into every aspect of our life together. I can thank my spouse for believing in me, and us. Her ability to do that is because of how strong, self assured, and confident she is in...herself. Her beautiful, kind, smart, sexy, decent, loving, caring self.

My eyes are wide open to the gift of my BW. And the privilege and responsibility I now enjoy for bringing my best me, my authentic me, to myself, her and us. The work doesn't so much feel like work. It feels good and right.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

I don't know if we are HB or not - it has been 3 months of dramatically increased activity. We are certainly rekindled, and keeping with the fire theme, I also like the idea of the pilot light.

We are way different around each other, have also gotten the "EWWWW" from our son, and generally just much more affectionate. More kissing, more touching, etc. And the actual sex has run the gamut, because quite frankly, there has been a lot of it!

But mostly, more intimate, more adventurous and more vulnerable.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1879 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

I love reading these stories, so glad I bit the bullet and started this personal thread!

Just desserts, the last thing you said really resonated with me cos H said exactly the same thing about it not being work.

I pointed out to him early on that If he had put half the effort into our marriage as he did into his A (he wanted EA but not PA) then our marriage would have been stronger and he would probably have never felt the urge to stray.

When I thanked him for the huge changes he was making he said 'I know I am putting the effort in now but to be honest it doesn't feel like work, or making an effort, just doing what I should have been doing all along - it feels right, natural and easy' or words to that effect anyway

I am to blame too for our problems, I have to admit that. I have bipolar and was on an anti depressant for years that helped but killed my sex drive. I told my gp many times the lack of sex was going to cost me my marriage but they kept saying my mental health was more important. It kills me that H stayed and coped with a sexless marriage for so long and then when I came off them and told him my sex drive was returning instead of rekindling things he went elsewhere.

My worst mistake was not the low sex drive but the fact I didn't try harder to get things going, I was too depressed. Also I felt it was mean to have hugs and kisses cos he would get worked up and I would just be numb and I hated leaving him frustrated or worse still going through with it when he could tell I was not aroused. It was a bad time.

Now I just wish he had hung on a few weeks as my sex drive came back pretty quickly. Probably about a couple of weeks before he had A. I was too shy to do anything about it though after so long a time. I wish I had now it might have stopped it before it started.
But then again maybe not, we will never know.

It has all just shown me how important communication is - both verbal and physical!


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 662 | Registered: Jul 2013
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Our frequency was awful pre DDay. Both our faults for different reasons, I'll spare you.

But I used to be JEALOUS of women who had drives to want sex more than once a week. I would think man, I wish I could be like that, but I'm just NOT.

Well, I *AM* and I love being that person now.

Sex begets sex, someone said that to me once, and it's true for us. If we go through a lull once we get started again, it's like GAME ON!


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

TMI but last week we were 5 days in a row and one day was twice. SCORE!

Once upon a time I'd have cringed at that.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

I'll add that I used to feel sex was an (eventually) enjoyable obligation for a long time, and used to look at my period as relief from the guilt of not wanting to have more sex, although it made me sad to feel that way.

Now, I curse "the curse!" ha.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1879 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Wow! So many changes for the better. Really makes me smile.

I used to be the same, only really wanted sex after a night out and a few drinks. Then when I got ill it was all about managing my health and we had a few years of sex maybe a couple of times a year!! Before that we were going through infertility treatment so sex became mechanical.

I thought we had cracked it last year when I came off my meds and went hypomanic (mild mania) and hypersexual, my god that was an interesting few weeks lol. Sadly they put me back on my old meds and problems came back.

I don't put the improvement down to the A - no way! BUt I do put it down to falling in love again. I always loved H but with all my problems and the lack of sex he had stopped seeing me in a romantic way. My efforts to move on after the A have shown him how deeply I have always loved him and when he realised what he had done by his affair and nearly lost me well it woke him up to how much he still loves me.

I am hoping it will be a happily ever after DESPITE the affair.


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 662 | Registered: Jul 2013
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Olwen - Enjoy it.
Do NOT be embarassed or ashamed to talk about it either.

We are at the 5 year mark from Dday, and I can honestly say our sex lives are better than ever. We used to average, one time a week, prior to Dday, and that was usually a come on hurry up I've got things to do type thing.

Now we have a much deeper bond, and better understanding of each other. I also kinda lost all inhibitions after dday, sort of a what do I have to loose attitude, which has opened the door to lots of fun things for us.

It can make healing a lot better when you can make that connection. It sure did for us. Yes in all relationships the passion waxes and wanes, it just seems that when it drops off doesn't last more than a week or two, and then we are back at it.

My teenagers, esp my daughter are grossed out by the affection we show each other. I tell her to be quiet, we could be screaming at one another, and creating totally dysfunctional people. I just get eye rolls.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8218 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Wish there was a like button I could hit like on face book lol!


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 662 | Registered: Jul 2013
shatteredheart7
Member
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

The time leading up to his A and during his A I wasn't interested at all. Partially due to my grief. We had spent thousands of $$$ trying to reverse his vasectomy only for it to fail. I was having a hard time dealing with it. If we didn't have sex then there was no reason for me to hope, so it lessened my pain. Plus, sex for him was just about, well sex. No intimacy at any other time. Foreplay was practically non existent and it was over before I could even get started. Leaving me feeling like what's the point.

When we reconnected in April 2012 things were different. Well, not the first time. The first time started with a hug in the kitchen and ended up with our clothes strung from the kitchen to the living room floor. It was like that for about a week. Then, it all changed. He took his time, was more loving. I enjoyed it more. Enough time had passed that I wasn't thinking about the baby that we wouldn't have. From April 2012 til he confessed about his A in Sept 2012 it was every day, usually 3 times a day. After he confessed, it was even more often. I sometimes say that I was like a dog marking my territory. After a couple months it went back to 2-3 times a day every day. In the last couple months we have slowed down to once a day every day, sometimes if we are lucky we get twice in a day. If our lives hadn't gotten so crazy busy with work and the kids we would still be going at it 3x a day.
It is so much more special now. Before it was really just sex. The emotional connection was lacking. Now, it is amazing.


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Olsen...

As the original author of the renewed kissing thread I would love to respond to your post....

Before the A, sex for us was almost non existent. There were several reasons for this, many stemmed back to our earlier relationship as immature kids which my husband never felt were worth exploring. Well boy was he wrong....they were at the very base of my reasons for slowly not wanting sex at all. Feeling under appreciated, overworked, under helped around the house when the kids were small I started to feel that sex was just another chore I had to preform as a wife. It was worse if we had been out enjoying times with friends and had a few drinks. I never climaxed anymore, the enjoyment was all but finished for me. To say this was the BIGGEST reason for my H's A would be speaking the truth. We grew so apart that when he started having performance issues I could tell he blamed them on me.....or at least I projected that he blamed them on me. There was no love left in our coupling, there was no joy.....it was quite sad really because we had enjoyed a really incredible sex life for the first 10 years of our relationship. But those years were minus kids, mortgages, real jobs, real life. Add to this mess my current and ongoing body issues and you can probably get how bad things really got.

The A shock me to my very core and forced me to visit all of the reasons why our marriage had sagged far enough to afford my husband the feeling he deserved an A. Of course these issues came back into light full force. This time though hubby could not avoid finally dealing with them. He tried, oh he tried to say that we were too young and that I was just rehashing old crap that shouldn't matter anymore. Didn't I get the last laugh when these issues became my #1 reason for slowly backing away sexually. Now he listens intently...

Thankfully our incredible coupling skills have returned after being all but non existent for well over 20 years. No longer do I feel I am just servicing my husbands needs....I am enjoying the feelings we have been able to relight after finally dealing with our past mess. We also love staying together, joined as one, once we have finished. That to me is the most intimate part of the whole experience....to feel as one. Just touching my H kindly, lovingly can fuel my new inner fires and it is now he who isn't so sure of himself!!!!! His non performance issues have all but disappeared. He no longer rushes, he on longer needs to

I am saddened by all the time we have missed this part of our love and life. I will be forever grateful that we have found the tools to rediscover it. I don't plan to ever let it escape again.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Ps....wish more of us had the courage to start threads like this. I have been amazed and pleased at the response to the kissing post and I am enjoying this one just as much. Thank you for letting me know I inspired you to relook at a past wrong in your world and examine why it is now so right!!

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 9:48 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Shattered heart 7 I hope you don't mind but I have sent you a pm. Been through infertility myself and found some info may help you?


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 662 | Registered: Jul 2013
brknwmn
Member
Member # 40603
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

It's like we are dating again but even better. He says it's cos he knows how close he came to losing me and has realised I am all he wants in the world now and it makes him frantic to be close.

So jealous...that's all I want from my WH...hoping we can get to where you are. we are at the point where i've nose dived off a cliff with my sex drive and he doesn't feel like he's "allowed to ask for anything sexual since he's the one who screwed up in the first place"


Me: 26 BS Him: 29 WH
Together since Dec 2005
officially done 10-30-13

Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.


Posts: 78 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

TxsT - glad to see you lol!

Yes your thread really made me think and that's why I started this one. Hope you don't mind me expanding on your original question.

Thanks for you response too, so pleased you have rediscovered a happy love life.

Staying together really is the best part


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 662 | Registered: Jul 2013
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

((brknwmn))

I hope you get there soon too

We have had plenty of times where I told him I hated him, could never let anyone touch me again, where sex was the last thing on my mind.

It's strange though, if he can get past my defences when I get angry like that and manages to hug me tight then I soon relax and feel better.

I did pursue a better sex life though, it was not always easy with mind movies etc but by avoiding some things and dedicating time to make other things more special it became easier.

I still have my 'don't touch me, don't even look at me!' days but they are getting fewer.

Strangely he has as many things he is uncomfortable with as me. For example he will know longer let me perform oral sex on him - he says' cos I know where it has been and it makes me uncomfortable. We found a way round that
when he touches me intimately I still flinch for the first few seconds as he did that to her.

Sex in a car is out until the day it happens naturally. Neither of us want to challenge that one.

I won't wear a skirt for him anymore, it's what she did. It used to be one of his fav things now it makes me cringe.

What I am bumbling over trying to say is it has not been easy but it's been worth finding ways round triggers and as Samanthabaker already said, sex begets more sex. I think that's really true and I am glad I pushed myself those first few times.

Good luck to you x

[This message edited by olwen at 10:10 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 662 | Registered: Jul 2013
PrincessPeach06
Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

After Dday we had sex daily for probably a month. It awakened something inside of me that I never knew was there!!

The problem now is getting him in the mood and its frustrating. I've turned into this person who was ok with maybe once a week "boring" sex to a raging maniac!!! And poor H has to get up at 3 am to work and is tired a lot. My biggest hurt is that I bet it wasn't very hard to get in the mood for OW. Oh well, we talk about it a lot so maybe it will somehow sort itself out.


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Been through the whole gamut of life after DDay, HB, ending of HB, getting back to normal, etc. We're coming up on 6 years from DDay, here's how it went for us:

HB started a week after DDay. Went strong for a full 18 months. At 18 months, H cried "uncle" and basically started calling time outs as he was too worn out and needed a break. So HB slowed from that point. Then he started having some ED just a few times, and it was all psychological (he was not dealing with his guilt and shame and it was manifesting in his penis apparently) so that significantly hampered things for us for a while.

H went to IC more, read more books, started really working on himself. Got over the ED. Sex really never returned to HB type stuff, but it is back to "normal". We do still do more than what we used to as far as bedroom moves and whatnot, but it's nothing like HB was. Sex is much more intimate now than it ever has been, but it's not mind blowing anymore (most of the time). It's still really good, don't get me wrong, but there could be more of it.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

((Princess peach)), that happened here too. H wanted twice a week but when things hotted up suddenly he was giving me a run for my money.

Talking really helped. We had some real heart to hearts about what we liked and didn't like, what we wanted to try etc. Some of the answers were a shock. I had spent years doing things I thought he wanted and he actually said oh I can take or leave that it's 'this' I really love etc.

It really made a difference to us.

The other thing I think helps is actually discussing sex. Somehow the more we talked about it the more we wanted it. Might be worth a try??

Maybe it's his guilt holding him back? That happened to H a lot of the time. He felt so bad about what he had done that he took a while to relax into things and realise it actually helps us be closer.

He tends to make sex a lot more about me now and I think that's a lot to do with his desire to make it up to me.

How about a weekend away? We had a fab one in a honeymoon lodge in the middle of a forest, hot tub, four poster, total seclusion etc. We did it a bit too soon sadly and that's when HB ended. The first night and day - out of this world - then the rest of the weekend I was a blubbing wreck. Something like that might get him in the mood though, just a thought x


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 662 | Registered: Jul 2013
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

We had a reasonable sex life pre D-day and vacation sex was always very hot, but what a difference since then!

We enjoyed HB tremendously, but we have our new form of HB that I have termed "heightened bonding". We make sensuality and eroticism a daily part of our lives, and make time for an afternoon or evening filled with love making regularly, as well as regular sessions throughout the week. The big difference is the connection and how giving my H has become. He was fairly selfish in the past, and it always had to be initiated by him. Well, no more! He is all about my (multiple) pleasure and welcomes my advances.

It really helps us ride out the rollercoaster to have this way of connecting regularly.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Yakamishi
Member
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Whether he is Christian or not, this is how God desires us to be around our wives. We are to guard our wives heart, cherish her, sacrifice for her, to love her, to honor her.

That^ is awesome.


Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Kids:4
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 214 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Holy moly people! I need to get my act in gear!

But seriously? We have been doing 110% better in this area. I do think its still HB at this point but we went from once every few months (!!!) to 4 times a month in aug and twice this month so far. I also curse my "curse" now!

Before the PA we had started infertility treatment in 2009 so our sex was very mechanical, we even called it baby-making sex. Then we did 2 years of IVF and it got worse because it takes out the sex completely. I was depressed and frustrated and no longer ever got "in the mood". When I finally got pregnant in 2011 I was put on pelvic rest which meant no sex through my pregnancy. By the time I could have sex again we had a new baby to take card of and H felt neglected. Cue the PA!
Looking back on all of it now, we were so disconnected its no wonder our sex life suffered. We are slowly rebuilding that connection and I'm loving the closeness. I definitely find myself in the mood more often!

Great thread!

[This message edited by AML04 at 5:23 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 843 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
datura222
New Member
Member # 39766
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

This is such an interesting thread!

We experienced HB as well. It is now 3 months post DD.

Sex before DD was very formulaic. The same way, not much kissing-my fault.i have huge intimacy issues. He always wanted more intimacy in the bedroom.

DD was like an atomic bomb hitting the marriage. I woke the hell up and when the dust settled I could see how damaging my actions have been over the years and why he went to seek validation elsewhere during an extremely low point in the marriage...I too did the same thing...a ONS based on just as much false intimacy as his ONS.

How are things different now?

For the first time in my life I can actually look into a eyes while making love. I have never, ever been able to be this vulnerable with anyone.

I enjoy long passionate kissing with him...I have such regret for not embracing kissing during the entire time we have been married.

We enjoy making love 5-7 times a week instead of the standard one to two times per month.

We massage each other and hold each other and talk before and after.

He has, like others have written on here, ceased to use all pornography, nor does he masturabte...his sexual energy is all given to me, and I gladly reciprocate.

We have been through so much....infertility, mother enmeshment issues, intimacy issues, anger/resentment issues, abandonment issues...etc. we are both in IC and MC....I hope we can make it through and have something stronger than ever before someday despite the hurtful actions we have done to each other.


In R
Dday: Father's Day 2013
We are madhatters.
Husband took a polygraph due to the risky nature of his infidelity.
Polygraphs: 1 fail, disclosure, passed 2

Posts: 44 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Bay Area CA
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

I keep thinking

BROWN CHICKEN BROWN COW!!!!!


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

datura - our stories are nearly the same, and my DD is one day after yours.

I cannot fathom why it is so much better now, but we are going with it!


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1879 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
ionlytalkedtoher
Member
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

its better but not where i want it to be. I have asked him to call me pet names (sweetie) etc, he tried, but hasn't kept it up.

the one thing that has changed for me is that i don't necessarily keep quiet about my needs any more. he used to be the type to wham bam thank you mam but now he does make an effort to appease me whereas before he didn't.


Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2013
MsRukia
Member
Member # 40219
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

I can identify so much with those of you who struggled with sex prior to A. That was us, though he finally really started communicating with me and I got my act together, the A already happened. ((Sigh)) he had stopped the PA for a while, sex was great and I found that I had a huge sex drive! In retrospect its the first time in 10 years I'm not on Birth control or anti depressants. But WH slept with her again when we were having great and frequent sex. It's hard not to feel guilty about my lack of sex for so long. Now we are having sex daily, and I hope it lasts. I have 9 1/2 years to make up for.


BS (34)
WS MisterP (37)
Together 14 1/2 years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly but surely finding my way.

Posts: 172 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

When my FWH and I first got together, we really were like rabbits. We couldn’t get enough of each other. We’d look at each other across the room and make love with our eyes alone. He has a history of finding it hard to O. He never, never had that problem with me. I am the only person that he has had a multiple O with.

The dying of that intimacy, that expression of our love, was the true tragedy of our marriage. Don’t get me wrong, DDay wasn’t a picnic or a walk in the park. But looking back right now, the killing of our intimacy was far worse.

Little by little, due to our problems, our inability or unwillingness to talk things out, our personal hells, our sex life died. For me to want to Do It, I had to be drunk to be daring enough to demand sex. He didn’t initiate ever, because he was so afraid of being denied. Due to both of our pre-martial issues, we just didn’t have the courage to face our demons and we let “there’s always tomorrow’ become our stock answer.

Meanwhile, to help himself feel wanted, he upped his porn use, then his chat room use, then registered on AFF, and ended up begging for sex on Pay Me sites. He literally screwed the first woman that agreed to have sex with him. And that was her only appeal she said yes and he thought that this would help him to feel wanted. Meanwhile, I was volunteering, stewing mentally, and withdrawing even further, feeling unwanted and unloved.

Now, it’s completely different. With one exception, it’s better than when we first got together. The one difference is his inability to completely O while on ADs. BUT, we both ask for what we want now. We’re both much more in tune with each other. We’re a hell of a lot more adventurous. And since it’s just the two of us, let us say that there are parts of the house that we have sought out to “explore.”

Many times, after we’ve made love, he’s become very emotional and told me that he doesn’t understand how he could have forgotten what we were to each other, what we could do to each other, and how MUCH lovemaking between the two of us was quality and quantity. I’ve given myself permission and have become multi-O. He’s learned exactly what I want and like, and has become QUITE the master of it! Our renewed love live has been God’s own blessing for the two of us. And I hope and pray for the day that he can come off of ADs, because frankly, I want to feel him completely lose himself in me with a booming, all out O. And drive him into another one.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4715 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 3:09 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

[This message edited by olwen at 9:37 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 662 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 37