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Just Found Out
User Topic: Stuck between a rock and a hard place
cytron
New Member
Member # 40550
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Many of you read my earlier story about finding out about my spouse's affair with a "friend" and co-worker and how he has a wife with a newborn child.

I am dropping the bomb of my knowledge of the affair on Saturday, but torn about whether or not to tell his spouse. Many of you responded with HELL yes tell her and I am prepared to do so, but I am so concerned for her and her baby.

My spouse has ruined our marriage and lives of our kids forever, but do I want to do that to someone else. It may come out during the whole process, but I am not sure how it would unless someone slips up and tells her or she finds something like I did.

If I decide to tell his wife about what a son of a bitch he is and what he did to my family and her's how would you recommend that I go about it? Letter, phone, personal visit?


Posts: 28 | Registered: Sep 2013
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

You are not blowing up her marriage and family. Her lying, cheating husband did that already. She deserves the truth.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Reegz
New Member
Member # 40391
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

I agree with sailorgirl. The husband already chose to hurt his marriage by going outside of it. She deserves the truth.


Me: 40 BH
Her: 36 WW
Clues Discovered - EA - May/June 2013.
D-Day - Confirmation of EA and discovery of PA - August 20, 2013.
4 to 5 month affair.
We are in recovery. Taking it a day a time.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: New York
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Her lying, cheating husband did that already. She deserves the truth.

Bingo. Rule #1 of being a BS is you didn't cause the affair - therefore you are not responsible for the consequences. Her husband was the one who signed up to protect her, not you.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3868 | Registered: Dec 2011
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

cytron,

You should tell her, even though it's hard. The way she will find out? He could do it again with someone else. It won't be about your wife, but he is putting his BW's life in danger (STDs and other things like this).

How to go about it? Wow. . . I think that I would want a face to face. It all depends on the BW.

Good luck and (((Cytron)))


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

You need to call her and speak to her..no email..no facebook..no voicemail...all of these come with the risk of her WH finding the message before she does.

You are not doing anything..except providing this woman with the truth..that she deserves to know.

Im 3 years out. The very worst part of ALL of this has been the lies..I hate being lied too...I have every right to know what has happened in MY marriage...I am a 41 year old,intelligent woman,and I have every right to make my decisions about MY life based on the truth.


You would be giving this woman an incedible gift. The gist of knowledge..the gift of the truth.

Tell her. Do NOT tell your WW that you are going to do it...chances are high that she will warn OM..who will make up some story about you being a crazy abusive husband,accusing all male friends of his wife of having an affair with her.

Be kind. Stick to the facts. Keep your opinion about her WH out of it..or her instinct will be to tune you out and defend him. Offer her a copy of all of your evidence.

Please tell her.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:56 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7320 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Cytron, it's not your place to decide whether his wife is emotionally capable of hearing the truth or not. That isn't your call to make.

This woman should at least be given the same options you were given - the ability to make EDUCATED decisions about her future based on the reality of her marriage, not the fake reality he's painted for her at home.

She deserves nothing less than the same knowledge you've been given.

Do the right thing and tell her. What she CHOOSES to do with the information is on her, but at least give her the opportunity to make her own choices.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1722 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
whyohwhyohwhy
Member
Member # 17890
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

I sure as hell wish someone had told me.

It would have given me information that would have helped at the time.

I think you should tell her.


what did I ever do to deserve this?

Me:47 BS
Him: X, 51 PA SA NPD?
2 kids; DD14, DD8 divorced


Posts: 1042 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: east coast
Stronger4it
New Member
Member # 39372
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Agree with everyone else. She needs to know. Do it gently. Provide proof. Don't tell your S you are doing it.

And I really like the idea of it coming from you, the BS. Somehow its more honest. Or at least your agenda is honest. You want that A to stop wreaking havoc on both your lives.

I wish my WBF's AP had a spouse. Sadly (on many levels) she lives with her Mom.


Me BS 46
Him WS 48
Together 18 yrs
Daughter 9
DD Nov 13/12
Today ?

Posts: 50 | Registered: May 2013
cytron
New Member
Member # 40550
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Should I tell her before I confront my spouse or after? I am thinking of calling her to ask her to meet me afterwards. Not sure how to handle the best way for me.

Posts: 28 | Registered: Sep 2013
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Before. Don't give your spouse a heads up - a lot of times they will notify the AP, and the AP will try and muddy the situation.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3868 | Registered: Dec 2011
Reegz
New Member
Member # 40391
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Cytron, you need to tell her BEFORE you confront your spouse. That way your spouse has limited damage control/coverup possibilities. Ask the spouse to not confront UNTIL you're done. This is difficult but if done properly is the most effective way.


Me: 40 BH
Her: 36 WW
Clues Discovered - EA - May/June 2013.
D-Day - Confirmation of EA and discovery of PA - August 20, 2013.
4 to 5 month affair.
We are in recovery. Taking it a day a time.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: New York
jackson
Member
Member # 18819
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Ideally it would be good is you both confronted at the same time. Leave no room for the WSs to get their coverup story straight. The OM's BS needs to know for her own wellbeing. No telling what diseases he may be bringing home to his family. Also you and your WW need to be checked.
Wishing you well on the confrontation. Don't let her lay the blame on you or the M. It is solely on her.

Posts: 790 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Midwest
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Yes, tell her before telling your WW.

She will try everything to talk you out of it.

It is simply the right thing to do.

I admire your not wanting to hurt her but it will hurt her worse to live with a liar and a cheat.

If she knew wouldn't you want her to tell you?

Just be as gentle and as matter as fact as you can. Have details and dates/times so she can back up your message.

I am sorry you are here but the other BS deserves to know. What then then do with their marriage is their business.

Hugs and prayers.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
LeopoldB
Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

You need to tell her so she can be tested for STDs. There is no guarantee that your wife is the only woman OM has slept with. She and her new baby need this knowledge.

Posts: 196 | Registered: Sep 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

If possible,call her an hour or so before you confront your WW. Do it during a time when your WW is home and busy,so she won't be checking her facebook or her phone..actually..take her phone ad hide it until after confrontation. You don't want OM to warn your WW,or vice versa.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7320 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Sparkle0504
Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

"The very worst part of ALL of this has been the lies..I hate being lied too...I have every right to know what has happened in MY marriage...I am a 41 [43 in my case year old,intelligent woman,and I have every right to make my decisions about MY life based on the truth"

She needs to know and face to face.


Me 44 (BS)
Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011
Children - two, mine from my previous marriage
Final straw 6/6/14

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies


Posts: 191 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

I agree that the BS of the OM should be told as close to your confrontation time as possible.

Your wife and the OM are ALL about covering their butts at the moment, and if you completely shatter their united front, their little house of cards will fall and they'll have no strength or unity. You'll also effectively be eliminating their opportunity to pre-rehearse some cock and bull story that of course, minimizes what they've been up to.

Divide and conquer. Sounds cold and harsh, but that's what it is.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1722 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Hi cytron,

Should I tell her before I confront my spouse or after?

Do whatever works for you, there is not perfect way. You have an awful lot on your plate just now, and you are still in the early stage of what was a life altering drama for most of us.

It is good if you tell her. If it is after you confront your WW and your WW calls OM and he tells his BS that a nut job is going to call her, well you have done your duty. If you tell her ahead and your WW finds out and starts deleting things and going underground, well you already know what you need to know. Do not put too much pressure on yourself to do things “right”. What you are going through is difficult, the damage is already done.

Best wishes to you.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4117 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Camalus
Member
Member # 40199
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Please tell the other betrayed spouse.

Do it right before you confront your wife so she doesn't have time to contact POSmOM.


Me–BS age 61
Her -- WS age 59
Married for 34 years
One child, 30yrs

Her 'A' 1994(?) through 1998
D-Day 7/4/2013 Yes, I didn't find out for almost 15 years... but the pain is just as bad as if she were with him last week.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Near Houston Texas
MC_Jack
Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Hey man,

I told the other BW.

I told her 10 months after my d-day. For a long time I was content letting sleeping dogs lie. But when OM broke NC for the 2nd time, I figured that this was a sign the BW needed to know.

It was the OM that hurt his M, not me the messenger.

It was the OM that killed his M, as he subsequently lied continuously to his BW and was remorseless. They are getting D. He had a lot of chances.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 863 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
iwillNOT
Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Telling her is, very simply, the right thing to do.

I have been in her position, and was never told. That was before I had children with this man. Now, 13 years later, I have caught him cheating again. Who knows how many other times there have been in the interim. Now we have 4 children, and things are infinitely more difficult.

If I had had all the facts as they occurred, I might have made different choices for my life. Please give her the options to choose for herself.

I wish you peace.

[This message edited by iwillNOT at 5:13 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 493 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Warninglight
New Member
Member # 40507
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Cyt. Ive done confrontation scripts for about five men. Confronts are brutal WAR!

Have your evidence lined up and written down. You must literally crush her resistance with facts, evidence and guilt trips about your children having their world torn apart.

Your mind may go totally blank so have your evidence lined up and written down. Your throat will go instantly dry so have a water ready for each of you.

The best angle is the we might be able to reconcile if you tell me everything. No it does not matter if you really mean it.

Get a complete timeline and quantities. Most men id say 70 percent need ALL details to quiet their imagination. Decide if that is you.


WIfe email EA. DDay 03-0-2013 758A OM was a half literate hillbilly ex.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: E US
WIgirl
New Member
Member # 40533
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Telling the BS was really, really hard for me. I also wanted to let sleeping dogs lie, I thought the affair was over. They weren't my problem, it wasn't my job to save the BS. But I did it 3 months after DDay, after I found out my H broke NC. I simply forwarded one of the emails to both BS and the AP (along with a bit of commentary). And the shit storm began. The other BS thanked me for telling him (we actually know each other).

Good luck, it's not an easy thing to do...but I feel like it may have finally put an end to the fricking affair once and for all. And I really am happy thinking about how the AP is finally struggling now too.


Me: 38 yo BW
Him: 40 yo WH
2 daughters (8, 5); married 15 yrs
DD: 6/2/13 (5 mo EA/PA with coworker)
Separated/Divorcing

Posts: 49 | Registered: Sep 2013
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

The STD thing. Even if you're convinced your wife has no STDs, this dude could have been sleeping around with others before your WW.

If the BW doesn't know this and has future children with him...as you may know, STDs are a huge risk for pregnancies. Clearly, she is of child-bearing age.

If for no other reason, her health and her children's health are a reason to say something.

Frankly, her M is a cruel joke right now. What are you protecting? Absolutely nothing. Hiding this information just protects a sham of a M. Keeping this hidden is doing no one, not even her child, a favor. When you tell, their M may blow up and cause a lot of hurt, but she's being hurt right now, this minute with a WH who is likely ignoring her, her new precious baby, and acting like an asshat either directly or indirectly. She may be confused, depressed, and totally blindsided by his crap behavior at home. At least when you tell her, she'll know why.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Broken6
Member
Member # 40347
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

If you put yourself in her shoes, would you want to know? Would you be grateful for the other person telling you. If that answer is yes, then I would tell her. It gets the A out into the open, and since A's feed on secrecy, not having it out in the open to the interested parties, may prolong the A. I am sorry for your position, it is hard to be the bearer of bad news. Strength and luck to you.


The grass isn't greener on the other side, it is greener where you water it.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 26