SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: Is it just me
jrr111800
New Member
Member # 39919
Stop  Posted: 12:32 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Is it me or do half the BSís on this site typically have a bitter sense towards most of us WSís. Although deserved from our own spouses, I really think that everyone is different, they view things completely different. They typically only see one side, they donít see what some of us are doing, working extremely hard to repair the damage we have cause. I can see when a question is asked, that the BS is expecting an honest answer, but from what I have read, quite a few of them have a biased tilt.
Now I am not saying that I have been the perfect WS from the outsetÖI TTíd for a couple weeks, kept details secret and so forth, But I have come clean admitted to everything, Have had total NC from outset, answer every question she asks to the best of my ability, go IC to work on my selfish ass, and have completely recommitted my devotion to my wife, my marriage, and family. Sure I make mistakes along the way, but the one I do not make is breaking trust, breaking my boundaries. I have nothing to hide, I own and accept the fact I am the problem, I am the one who created this situation and I am fully responsible for fixing may marriage and helping my BS.
But what drives me nuts is that there are some of us WSís out there that havenít done this or have relapsed. This in turn makes US that do worse than we really are. Which then has the snowball effect that their BS have nothing positive to say about any of us WS and that we will all turn out as bad as their WS. IMHO, it is just not true, there are WS out there who are truly committed to R and we are working hard to make it happen.
Sorry for the rant, just frustrated today.


Me-WH-38
BS-40
Married 13yrs
DD July 13,2013
6 month EA 2-ONS


Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Phx
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 12:50 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

They typically only see one side, they donít see what some of us are doing

It doesn't really matter...they aren't your BS. They are speaking and sharing their struggles about their own situations.

I'm pretty sure it would upset you to read on a thread that you were forbidden to post on about how foggy and stupid the WS's on this site were. So instead of passing judgment on them, focus on your own BS and what you can do to help her heal.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197932 | Registered: May 2002
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

WS Only.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:01 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

I kinda get what you''re saying. But here''s the truth. Most WS aren''t remorseful. Most WS aren''t doing the hard work. Most WS don''t help their BSs. The WS that "gets it" and do the heavy lifting are few and far between. If there were more remorseful WS, our forum would have the same amount or even more traffic than the JFO and General forums.

Is it hard to read those forums? Yeah sometimes. If I''m down or dealing with a trigger, I don''t find encouragement by reading "That filthy, nasty, lying, whore of a home wrecking pig!" Kind of posts. I know they aren''t talking about me personally. Its their WS, and the AP they are tormented by. But they still get to me sometimes. That''s when I back out and remember who my BS is and what I''m doing for us. Kwim?

Are there some BS that write off all cheaters? Maybe. That''s their choice. But I''ll tell you something. The most precious, amazing friends that I''ve made here, are BSs. Who''da thunk?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6253 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
UnexpectedSong
Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

How does your wife treat you? That's the only BS attitude you need to care about.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6098 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

I find it helpful to speak to the BS on this site because it helps give me insight into what my own BS is thinking and feeling.
At first I was afraid of comments I may recieve from some BS but more often then not I have gotten support and good advice! !


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 852 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
1DumbHusband
Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

I agree you have to find BSs willing to talk. I've been fortunate to find such a positive BS that their insight is truly helping me in my recovery. Seek out the positive ones and ignore the others if you need help. Of course the only BS that matters is your own. But having input from the other side will help immensely! Both to help you heal and help you help your BS heal.


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 3:00 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Reading what these BS's are saying and the pain in their posts will go a long way in helping you to have empathy in helping your BS and her pain. I know it helped me when I was a wayward new to this site and new to the process. When I would get frustrated, or tired, I would read the posts from other BS's and be reminded why I was here. There is a lot to be learned from some great BS's here.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4954 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
unforgivable5
Member
Member # 38797
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

I get what you are saying jrr, but this is where empathy comes in to play, as well as introspection.

Sometimes when I see a harsh post from a BS, I would immediately get defensive. But I am teaching myself to step back and take myself and my own feelings out of it. Sometimes I'll read that person's profile, and get a feeling for their story. Or I will pause, take a breath, and then I reread it, but this time, not as a WS; just as another human being. This is hard to do, but its helped me come a long way, especially when dealing with my BS's emotions.

Anger isn't a primary emotion. It's the byproduct of much deeper feelings.

[This message edited by unforgivable5 at 9:13 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


WH
D-day 3/4/13

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013
Fallen
Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Through all of the pain and difficulty of recovering from my horrible choices, do you know who helped me most? The BSes here. They helped me to understand the pain my husband was feeling. Many of them did so with an open and willing heart because seeing a WS who wanted to know how to help their own BS was helpful to them in their own healing.

I think it's pretty F-ing amazing that the betrayed spouses posting here will take even a minute to post to a WS. They have their own pain to deal with yet they still try to help. Sit with that thought for a minute or two.

It's that kind of empathy and kindness in spite of their personal pain that makes SI so special.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23486 | Registered: May 2004
jrr111800
New Member
Member # 39919
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

I guess I need to clarify what I was feeling at the moment. First, I need to say that I donít for one second discount the other BSís on here feelings and pain. I do truly understand that what we Whís have done is traumatic and horrific. It is something that each person on here will have to manage the rest of our lives. My intention fro that rant wasnít to rebuke the 99.5% of the BSís on SI, it was more of a feeling like there is a very minute loud few on here who didnít have the WH who was willing to dig his/her heals in the ground, plant a flag and pick up the shovel and start doing the heavy work to repair the mess we selfishly created and now have a negative outlook on everything. Although their intention and advice may be good from their point, I sometimes feel they are looking through a set of bitterness glasses they canít see the good. Just my observations. Maybe I am reading into it wrong but that is my opinion. Also, I will add that for me SI is and has been one of the most helpful tools in helping me understand what I need to do, for my BS, for my family, and for myself. Thanks for all the insight from this initial post and trust me your responses didnít go by the way side. Thanks again.


Me-WH-38
BS-40
Married 13yrs
DD July 13,2013
6 month EA 2-ONS


Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Phx
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

Don't confuse thinking with feeling, jrr.

I sometimes feel they are looking through a set of bitterness glasses they canít see the good

You *think* some of the BS here see through bitterness glasses. And so what if they do? What's it to ya?

My point is: what do you *feel* when you read those "negative" posts? Do you feel shame, anger, sadness...? Identify your feelings, and then instead of shifting the responsibility for them onto anonymous SI'ers, take ownership.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response thereís a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1197 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

On a board with 40,000 members and 40,000 different opinions, nobody is going to like everything they read here. An oft-repeated saying here at SI is "Take what you need and leave the rest."

Thanks to everyone here, mods/admin and members alike, this is probably the safest and best place on the web to get infidelity support for both sides of the fence.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried. Reconciliation is a process and I still struggle.


Posts: 2203 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

I sometimes feel they are looking through a set of bitterness glasses they canít see the good.
Why does that bug you so much? Is it your business if they are jaded or not? Does it affect your personal life?

If every BS on this forum were to flip me the bird and tell me I'm a fraud...yeah? So? They aren't my BS. My BS, my actions, and our healing as a couple is all that matters.

(No offense to any of the BSs here. Just trying to make a point.)


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6253 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
sunnyrain
Member
Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, September 15th (Sunday)

It's not just you. It is so apparent! Not only are some super bitter, but there are some that seem to celebrate and encourage the bitterness.

Sure, we can ignore it and not take it personally. But I do see it.


"I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne."

Posts: 388 | Registered: Nov 2010
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

It's true. There are some BS's on this site who are bitter. There are also some who are angry. There are also a great deal of them who are very loving. Betrayal causes people to go through a gamut of all sorts of emotions, and a lot of those emotions aren't pleasant.

The key is to stay focused on the task at hand, and not only repairing the damage caused, but also looking within to see what caused us to go there in the first place. Regardless of what BS's are saying on this site about their own respective WS's, or what other WS's are doing or not doing, we have to forge our own path to being healthy, and at times it does feel akin to swimming upstream. It can be done though.


Posts: 7213 | Registered: Dec 2010
confetticheck
New Member
Member # 38676
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

I'm sorry, are you having a bit of a hard day. Me too! After 10 months of bearing my soul and crying like I have never before she is still greatly hurt by what I did. I've haven't felt better in 20 years because I came clean, but she's all still fk'd up. WOW! I Pearl Harbored this sweet girl and she's still pissed! WTF! Listen Spock you didn't just make a little mistake you screwed your wife over and YOUR self. I'm not think"n you get that but that's my dumb ass opinion


Me - WH
Her - BW
Married 20 yrs, 3 kids
DDay - 17 Nov '12 (5 month PA)

Life's tough, it's tougher when your stupid.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: FL
Topic Posts: 17