SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Who are they? Really?
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Do any of you coming through the A question your knowledge and recognition of the person you married? After long term relationships, do you feel as if you do not really know your spouse? I have a nagging feeling that I have never known my H after 30+ years. Who is this person in my life for so long that I see as a stranger? How do you handle this along with R?


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1201 | Registered: May 2012 | From: South
struggling3
Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Are you saying that you think your H has behaved this way all along and you never knew it? Or are you just feeling that the person you know and love would not behave like this?

I think the latter is pretty normal. They have traumatized us and our relationship and that can take many years and them bending over backwards to help heal that.

If the first is your thought...wow...I don't know for sure if I could heal with that thought. I actually try not to let that thought in at all...too disturbing.


Me - BS 54
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 28, 25, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 276 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Searchingforhope
Member
Member # 38437
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

I struggled with this..Like you we have been together almost 30 yrs.

I am just starting to not discount the previous 26 yrs, before the A...I am giving my H credit for the fact that up until that point he was a good father, good husband etc...

And now since he is really doing his very best to be even better at it..he is really becoming a great father and a great husband.

But I will admit that right after DDAY and up until very recent, I couldn't see any of that...I was very focused on his poor behavior and judgement and could not see any good.

During his A, he really was a different person...and I know that he is haunted and ashamed of the person he became. It sickens him..the
whole thing.


I just try and remember that, and appreciate what he was before and is becoming now.


Me: BW 51 (didn't have a clue)
Him: FWH 54(extremely remorseful about his stupid midlife crisis)
Married 27 yrs

PA that lasted approx. 2 weeks. OW was a younger but totally screwed up %#@%!

DDay 4-25-12
Reconciling


Posts: 130 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: California
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

I agree with all of you. I honestly couldn't believe my H was capable of doing what he did. I searched and searched for anything I had missed. It wasn't until the time line fog lifted, around 8 months, that I got to start feeling that I didn't have to throw away my whole life.....just the 4+ years of the A. Listening and talking through the mountain of crap made me realize just how much of a saint he was to look beyond the now sex for probably 15 years. I have often said he deserves a medal on that front!

I am also glad to have retained most of our previous years of good memories and I am now looking forward to making many more positive and more loving memories in the future.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
kansas1968
Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

I could have written your post. I have even told our counsellor and my WH that we have been married for so long but we really did not know each other until this happened. The person I am married to was so familiar but I really didn't know him.

The person he is really is not quite as good as I thought in many ways, but better in some ways. It has been an interesting trip getting to know each other.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1185 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
ItsaClimb
Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

My fWH and I were in the same class at school from the age of 11, we've been together since we were 17yo.... After D-Day I felt I had no idea who he is. I'm still battling with that a year later. I thought I knew him inside out, really I did... now... I don't know, it's like all this time he was a wolf in sheep's clothing. Sad. Really, really sad.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 18yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 782 | Registered: Oct 2012
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Yes. In my case, he was pretending to be someone else that he wanted to be and his real self is a lost, selfish, unable to cope liar. He was wearing a mask the entire time and that's who I married. So after DDay, I realized who he really is and told him there's no way I would've married him. We've been in R 5 years now and he's now become the man he wanted to be or thought I married and more.

So yea, it's not unusual because WS present a mask to you in essence.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

I agree with Itsaclimb - I look at my WS and think, "Who is this guy" "Where is my husband" "Where is the guy that I trust with my whole heart and with my life" "Where is the guy that I knew would never, ever hurt me"????????????????
Where is that man? Oh wait, he never really existed!!!

Posts: 497 | Registered: Jun 2013
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Yes. In my case, he was pretending to be someone else that he wanted to be and his real self is a lost, selfish, unable to cope liar. He was wearing a mask the entire time and that's who I married. So after DDay, I realized who he really is and told him there's no way I would've married him. We've been in R 5 years now and he's now become the man he wanted to be or thought I married and more.


This ^^^ 100%


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
In R
"If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth." -Carl Sagan

Posts: 2251 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Topic Posts: 9