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Reconciliation
User Topic: What if he isn't attracted to me anymore?
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

So, my husband and I are sort of in limbo. We are both in IC and MC starts next Monday.

My question is this: he was/is so angry over the state of our sex life in our marriage that he purposely set forth to kill his sexual desire for me. It worked. So now he says he has NO sexual feelings for me at all.

Anyone else been there? Advice? Suggestions?

Any advice on helping him to let go of the anger?


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1654 | Registered: Aug 2013
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

I'm sorry I haven't been in your situation. All I can say is you guys got married in the first place because you found something in each other. Sexual desire arises from liking and loving each other. I guess you guys can start there. If there's a will, there's a way.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

I think my H was sort of there. Very angry and hurt, which was some about our sex life, and a some about stuff that predated me. He has had to get really real about some of his motivations, and the more he looked, the more he realized that our sex life was part of the issue, but how that got acted out had really had to do with him.

But he was good and angry about his lot in life. Furious, and it is what gave him "permission" to do this. (Overlooking, of course, his role in our somewhat of a sexual stalemate.)

So, maybe your husband is making you the bad guy so he doesn't have to take much of a look at himself. It helped us that I was willing and able to work on the marriage, and whatever issues I had, which I think resulted in my H realizing that there was more going on than met the eye.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1738 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

I have not been in your shoes either nekorb but Amen to what bionicgal said. He is making you the fall guy here and that is so unfair.

I would focus on you for now.

He can deal with his anger in IC.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2104 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Cheaters are basically broken unhappy people that make the WRONG decision. Truth be told, you yourself probably recognize your marriage was not at the best place when the A started either. However, the wrong choice is NOT going to fix things. He should be pissed of the fact that not only is the marriage need fixing, but throw in his freak'n affair. That means it's going to be even HARDER than if he wouldn't have had an affair. But that's his fault, not yours.

My FWW didn't want to have sex much prior to A. Did I cheat? NO! Did I want to and have the temptation? YES! Am I special? NO! Just didn't want to loose my wife. Sexual frequency can be helped.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1215 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Thanks.

I'm really hoping this MC is the cat's meow - he has his work cut out for him.


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1654 | Registered: Aug 2013
Painfuljourney
Member
Member # 40208
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

If he's not attracted I think it's because he's not deciding to be. He's still holding on to resentment maybe. My WH went through this and during it all he was extremely angry with me, he blamed me. He had animosity towards me.

It wasn't until he let go of that blame and anger did he have the capacity to love again. I'm not talking physical attraction. I'm talking the soul connection. With that comes the physical attraction. Sexual attraction in and of itself is hollow and meaningless. It can be with anyone that is attractive I think. But soul connection is deeper. It comes from the commitment, the decision to love.

I recommend reading the Love Languages book and His Needs, Her Needs. You may not be loving each other in the right languages. Those 2 books really helped heal some issues in our connection with each other. Now we are touching (because we both value physical touch) and talking a ton (one of mine is honesty) and we are meeting each others needs.


BS (me) - 44
WH - 46
DD - July 1, 2013
2 daughters, 14 and 10

Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

I am sorry but he is using this as an excuse.
If he isn't "attracted" to you that is on him. You my dear are the same person, but even more awesome, and he should be in awe of you. Seriously, you have provided him the gift of R. And shown your strength by demanding the respect you deserve. If he doesn't find that attractive, then that is on him, and shows his own brokenness.

He is making an effort to choose to not find you a sexual being, this is probably because he hates himself, and does not have the tools he needs to fix that. This is something that needs to be discussed in MC, and he needs to definitely read the 5 love languages, the seven principles for making a marriage work. There are exercises in it, and should be done together. I would start on these prior to even going to MC, because it will take several sessions to even get to this issue.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7785 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

What if he isn't attracted to me anymore?

I am one to take things at face value and if someone says something like that to me, I believe them. I firmly believe the only person you can change is yourself and it is not all that valuable to "inform" the person who says he is not attracted that is just an excuse, or he is deciding, or making a choice not be attracted to you.

I'm not suggesting anyone should do what I'd do, but if my spouse said that to me, I'd find a divorce lawyer as soon as possible. I will not be with someone who does not want to be with me as much, or more than I want to be with him, even if I am married to him.


Posts: 5676 | Registered: Apr 2006
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

I used to feel very hurt by this. I could not get my wife turned on but OM didn't even have to try and she was melting on his hand. You know what that does to one's self esteem?

Truth is, everything new is exciting and then it gets old. It's up to the couple to keep the fire burning. Obviously infidelity hurts things to an umf degree and it is harder to get things going good again. He's attracted to you. It's why he's with you in the first place. He's just in the limbo faze. Shit hurts.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1215 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

I'm sort of with Bobbi_sue on this.

Um...the MC has some work to do, but your H is the one who has to change the most. Is he ready and willing to do what he needs to do?

nekorb, Your H's dissatisfaction with your pre-A sex life is his problem. The fact that he wasn't effective enough as a man to get the problem solved is a heavy burden for him to carry. The fact the he cheated instead of getting the problem resolved is a heavy burden for him to carry. The fact that he's still angry at you instead of taking responsibility is IMO a sign that he's not ready to R.

You didn't cause your H's A. He cheated for his own reasons, and you, like most BSes, are just collateral damage. You hae some responsibility for your pre-A M troubles, but those troubles aren't a root cause of his cheating.

Please protect yourself. You deserve way better than he's giving you. Consider the 180.

BTW, your H deserves way better than he's giving himself, IMO - but he's not going to get it unless and until he confronts his own pain and changes himself.

(((nekorb)))

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:40 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9725 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, September 12th (Thursday)

Thanks for the input everyone.

I'm really anxious to talk about this in MC with my husband. We don't talk about it now as it escalates quickly into an argument...because he can't talk about it without getting angry within a few MINUTES....but continues to try and tell me he isn't holding onto resentment.

He is taking responsibility for the affair - no remorse yet...but I think he is pretty numbed out to what all he is feeling...I think he is hugely disappointed in himself....

BUT - I think he blames everything pre-affair on ME...so that should be interesting to hash through...


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1654 | Registered: Aug 2013
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

nekorb,
If he is getting so instantly angry, it is a big issue for him. I, too, got the lions share of the blame for the A in the days after DDay (largely b/c it is how he rationalized it to himself during the affair). As time has passed, it has become more clear to him his responsibility for the A, both from within our marriage system, and just him, personally. We have gotten to remorse, but it came in pieces over the months since June.
If you go to MC and he reads some, he will start letting go of the sh*t that he told himself to have the affair. (Likely the "not attracted to" bit was part of it.) He is angry at himself, and the situation he caused. His libido should return as he starts getting real about himself and what he did. I don't know how foggy he still is, but he may feel like he is cheating on her with you. (Hated that one - crazy stuff!) Or, he may just be confused.

Hang tight!


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1738 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

IMO, if he brings up pre-A stuff when you discuss the A, he's shifting blame to you and thereby attempting to dodge responsibility for his betraying you.

If he gets so angry that you can't complete a discussion, he's using anger to manipulate your sitch.

Me, too - I hope the MC confronts him on this, and I hope he changes quickly and for the better.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9725 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

he was/is so angry over the state of our sex life in our marriage

How do you, nekorb, rate your sex life pre-A?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

Our sex life pre affair was very stressful. Neither of us was happy with the frequency (too little), but there were other issues at play that were making me not want to have sex with him - I was feeling used and unloved- and he had laid the responsibility for "fixing" our sex life at my feet, basically. He never initiated anymore, there was no flirting or romance, etc, etc. it had been that way for a couple of years at least.

It was something I obsessed over and worried about, and I think that made me so stressed then I wasn't in the mood for sex!

Catch 22.

We both have responsibility for the lack of sex, but he blames it on me because, "I'm ready whenever you are." And he got tired of me brushing off his advance. Well, I got tired of getting groped while I was cooking or loading the dishwasher.

So yeah...there are some issues there that need to be resolved.

Doesn't excuse the affair.


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1654 | Registered: Aug 2013
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

Nekorb, i think we had the same exact situation before the affair, for more years than I'd like to count.

Also, we had the "I"m ready whenever you are, so I don't need to do anything" dynamic. That seems to have changed post DDay, which has made a TON of difference. That stalemate needs to be broken, because nothing is as unsexy as "I can do it, you know, whenever YOU want to." Ugh.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1738 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, September 13th (Friday)

Bionic gal - did your husband have trouble letting go of resentment towards you over the pre-affair sex situation?


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1654 | Registered: Aug 2013
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 1:44 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

I'm glad you two are going to see a MC soon.

As recently as Sept. 3 you were doing the 180; meanwhile, also on Sept. 3, you report "Yesterday DH confided in me that he desperately wanted to call OW, but instead he left his phone at home and went for a bike ride.I think this is the longest stretch of NC...8 days."

Has WH maintained NC or is he actively communicating with OW?

Have you ended your attempt at 180? (not sure how you flip attachment off and on like a light switch!)


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
crazynot
Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

I think, after what you've been through, it should be about HIM helping YOU, not the other way round. All this 'no sexual feelings' stuff doesn't bear too much analysis when he's so recently been seeing OW. It's just a way of justifying himself. Don't let him off the hook too easily... remember to stand a chance of R with you, he should be the one doing all the work for now.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 839 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
crazynot
Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

I think, after what you've been through, it should be about HIM helping YOU, not the other way round. All this 'no sexual feelings' stuff doesn't bear too much analysis when he's so recently been seeing OW. It's just a way of justifying himself. Don't let him off the hook too easily... remember to stand a chance of R with you, he should be the one doing all the work for now.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 839 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
GraceisGood
Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

IMO, it is not so much about him being attracted to you as it is about his ability to feel empathy towards you and to be able to set aside his resentment (get to a place of acceptance), which is really what you HAVE to do to move on from his A right, so it is not like he has to do MORE than you do, but for some reason it sounds like he is not willing to "let go" of his resentment towards you in this, he is getting some sort of pay off for it (perhaps this resentment is stemming from a wound in his past that he has not dealt with and until he does it will make dealing with this current issue all the more difficult, or perhaps he needs this resentment to "justify" his actions to himself, even if he does not speak it out loud, so he can feel a certain way about himself, to keep himself from getting to the root of his issues).

If he can get to empathy and acceptance then he will see you for real, not this villanized version he has in his head, and then he can have REAL feeling for you, whether or not attraction is there time will tell imo.

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3433 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

Ladies_first-
On September 3 our 16yo daughter attempted suicide...which, as you can imagine, added a whole other dimension to the situation.

Thanks everyone for the input. It gives me stuff to think about. Last night we were talking about how last week we didn't get to start MC because the therapist had strep throat. My husband said - I'm waiting for them to call onto day and say he's having an asthma attack!

I do believe he has unresolved issues that are left over from before me, even.

We are both in IC, so am really anxious to be together in MC and start talking about some of this *together*.


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1654 | Registered: Aug 2013
brooke4
Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

I don't know your story, so this might be way off base, but do you think there's any chance that this is an attempt to even up the balance of power, when he doesn't really have a leg to stand on?

It seems to me that he's effectively managed to get you worried that he's not attracted to you, when, in fact, the focus really should be on are *you* willing to R with him.

I think I'm sort of with Bobbi Sue -- I would probably say something along the lines of that's really a shame, but the one thing I know is that I can't be married to someone who's not attracted to me, so let's start wrapping the legalities up now. But I can be a real bitch. I'm guessing you would see some serious backtracking on his part.

And I totally agree about the dishwasher grope. That was something that we discussed a lot in the early days of R - grabbing my ass while I'm doing something else is *not* foreplay.


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1490 | Registered: Feb 2007
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, September 15th (Sunday)

I'm happy to report he made an appt with his doctor to get his STD testing done.

:)

This makes me happy for two reasons:

1. I asked him, he said he would, and he did

2. I don't think he would do it if the A was still on going.


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1654 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 25