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neverdidithink
Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Another new member to the club. I confirmed the A a month ago and still feel like a ping pong ball. He has taken complete responsibility for his actions and seems genuinely sorry/is doing all the right things. I'm still watching email and phone useage like a hawk. (so far, nothing to see, but I feel better knowing.)

We've had a tough year and our communication really suffered. (chicken or egg?)I'm crushed, but hopeful that we can work through our issues and put this marriage back together.

My big stumbling block is that he can't really explain why me made the choices he did, and this leaves me wondering if the same circumstances presented themselves again, would he make the same choices.

I'm exhuausted. I'm in IC and trying to work through this with very little IRL support as my friends and family would jump into protective mode and make it difficult for us to have any real chance to reconcile.

I appreciate all the support offered here. I've been reading since Dday and am finally ready to join the conversations.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 338 | Registered: Sep 2013
duststorm
New Member
Member # 40500
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

I'm sorry you are here :(

Is your story posted? I have found it is helpful to post your story so members can look back and see what was going on as you post. I, personally, cannot keep up with screen names but can keep stories together.

You will find great support here.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Texas
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Welcome to SI, neverdidthink. None of us ever thought we'd be a part of this forum, but we are , on the upside it is a great place for support.

Have you checked out the articles in the Healing Library? Also scroll down in this forum a page or two and find all the threads with a target icon on the left-hand side, great reads for newbies. My personal favorite is Tactical Primer.

It will take an extremely long time, years, not months to get over the pain of infidelity. Your emotions will be all over the place, very normal, one day sad, one day angry, one day feeling ok. IC is a great idea, just be aware that not all counselors are trained in infidelity. Trust your gut with your counselor as well.

We've had a tough year and our communication really suffered

^^^Absolutely no justification for an affair, all marriages have ups and downs, there are other more constructive ways to deal with marital problems such as counseling. An A is the most destructive and easiest way to cop out of daily struggles.

Lean on us, lean on a TRUSTED family member or friend, lean on your IC.

(((Hugs))))


Posts: 7589 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Welcome to SI

So are you feeling that you might be ready to try and discuss any of this through an MC? Have you discuss with your IC about how to go about how to best approach your H to get him to open up? What questions might be helpful in getting him to break things down so that the answer to the overall question of why is recognized?

Like annb says, please check out the healing library and keep posting your questions and any need of support.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52537 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

My big stumbling block is that he can't really explain why me made the choices he did, and this leaves me wondering if the same circumstances presented themselves again, would he make the same choices.

The answer to this requires the type of "inner work" any BS like you and me should thank God we don't have to do.
That being said - would you feel safe enough for him to post in the Wayward forums?
They certainly will 'drive him to the reason(s)' if possible. They are awesome - though I couldn't even peek in there for years...

The Wayward forum is one of the unique features that sets SI apart from everywhere and anywhere else.

Find poster 'Danntonio' on there - to see what (I believe is) true remorse - in real time. It's moving.

One other little thing. You spoke of rebuilding your M.
Since your old M was not the cause of his choice to cheat, it might help you to start to think of (not re-building, but) building a new M.

When was Dday?


Posts: 6643 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
neverdidithink
Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, September 12th (Thursday)

Thanks, everyone.

^^^Absolutely no justification for an affair, all marriages have ups and downs, there are other more constructive ways to deal with marital problems such as counseling. An A is the most destructive and easiest way to cop out of daily struggles.
annb, I'm in complete agreement, as is WH. This wasn't about me. I shared the same struggles and my reaction was not to be unfaithful.

So are you feeling that you might be ready to try and discuss any of this through an MC?

Yes, moving upward. We've discussed/agreed to IC for him and MC for us, but right now scheduling is a problem with our work and travel schedules. We're making it a priority.

jjct: I'm not sure I'm ready to share SI just yet. I need a safe place to be able to process some of this right now. It's still a little too raw. I'm also not sure I'm ready to see his "inner work" unfold in real time.

Since your old M was not the cause of his choice to cheat, it might help you to start to think of (not re-building, but) building a new M.
YES! Our anniversary just passed and he ordered me a new wedding ring. I will wear both old and new as a reminder of both our history and the promise of a new begnning.

Dday was 8/11, though my heart knew long before that.

I'm hopeful for the future, but having been down the divorce road before I'm also aware things don't always work out as we hoped and I am prepared to walk away if there continue to be any secrets in our marriage.

[This message edited by neverdidithink at 8:21 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 338 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 6