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jrc1963
Member
Member # 26531
Flame  Posted: 4:06 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Do you think that 12 is too young to witness a grown man going thru drug addiction withdraw?

Here's the backstory:
DS12's dad has a live-in girlfriend who has a grown son (30's). The grown son was living in Utah and he is addicted to pain killers. The son wants to get off the pain killers, and his mom wants to help him, so they brought the son here to Florida to live with them during his detox.

DS goes to his dad's on alternating weekends, and this weekend he would be at his dad.

His dad emailed me to let me know what was happening and gave me all the info and left the decision up to me.

So... Do you think a 12 year old should be allowed to witness a 30 year old man going thru the DT's?

TIA


Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 68
DS - 12
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24446 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

It depends on the 12yr old.
It'd also depend on how much you trust your ex to keep your DS safe in that situation.

Some kids would benefit from seeing the harsh realities of making poor choices.
Others would be freaked by it.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids (4 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6354 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
jrc1963
Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

My son is very empathetic and I think it would freak him out a lot.


Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 68
DS - 12
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24446 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Wow. I don't know...

I think it would be a good lesson on addiction, but what if the guy goes nuts??

I think I would have to say no to visitation right now. Maybe let DS watch an episode of 'Intervention' so he can get a picture of what's going on without being directly involved.

Tough decision, (((Jrc))).

ETA: Just saw your post about him being an empath. Don't let him see that. It will do far more harm than good.

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 4:16 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 11599 | Registered: Mar 2008
jrc1963
Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

What I don't know... couldn't know... is the unpredictability of detoxing from pain killers.

All I know about the DT's is what I've seen in movies and tv shows.

Ex seems to think 30 year old will just be throwing up a lot.

But I can envision unpredictable or violent behavior. At the very least I think this guy will probably be in a lot of pain and misery.

Also, is it fair to 30 year old to have a 12 year old watching him be sick?


Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 68
DS - 12
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24446 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

He'll never be able to unsee/unhear what he witnesses.

I would say no.

FWIW, kudos to your X. Not too many would even let the other parent have a voice.

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21041 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

In the words of Nancy, just say "No". Drugs and drug withdrawal DO introduce the possibility of psychosis and violence. It probably WON'T happen, but what if it did?? It's not worth the risk, IMO.

Posts: 11599 | Registered: Mar 2008
jrc1963
Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

AJ's mom... My ex and I have a decent relationship and I'm glad he did tell me ahead of time for sure.


Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 68
DS - 12
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24446 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

I wouldn't advise it, jrc.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24998 | Registered: Aug 2011
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

I don't have any direct experience with this, but I would lean towards no. Doesn't hurt to err on the side of safety and caution.

Posts: 6705 | Registered: Dec 2010
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Not your 12 year old with just his dad to walk him through, no. Maybe if you were there to help him process, but you won't be. His dad isn't as conscientious, if I recall correctly.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13684 | Registered: Jul 2011
jrc1963
Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Ama! You are correct.

And I certainly don't want to subject myself to that nightmare.


Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 68
DS - 12
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24446 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
HFSSC
Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

JRC, I have detoxed from prescription painkillers. Several times. It. Was. Not. Pretty.

It was awful. I threw up. I shook. I cried. I felt like my skin was on fire and there were bugs crawling under it. I am so very thankful that my kids never witnessed me like that. I cannot imagine a 12 year old witnessing it.

Just, no.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
jrc1963
Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

HFSSC...

Thank you for sharing that. I appreciate you sharing something that I am sure was painful.

Do you mind if I copy it and forward it to the ex? I doubt he has any idea what's about to happen in his house.

I did suggest that if he wanted to see DS this weekend we could work it out where he took him out on Saturday for golf or something and then bring him back here so he doesn't have to witness this.

Waiting to hear back.


Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 68
DS - 12
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24446 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
metamorphisis
Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Since you've gotten good advice I will simply add my "Not a chance in hell" opinion. While I have compassion for the young man, that would be incredibly awkward and potentially frightening for your son. Talk about an elephant in the room. I would suspend visits until it was better. And I think his dad was good to inform you.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44390 | Registered: Sep 2006
hurtbs
Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Getting off of opiates should be done in a facility. It will be emotionally painful for all of those involved.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15318 | Registered: Jun 2006
completeshock
Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

No kids here so take this with a grain of salt, but I say don't let him see it. I witnessed a friend detox this summer, it was a tough thing to watch and I am a lot older than 12. Maybe his dad can pick him up and they can go out somewhere, maybe he and his dad can discuss it if he has questions. I think at 12 he is old enough to know and not be left in the dark, but he shouldn't see it.


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1740 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
HFSSC
Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

JRC, no problem at all. I am an open book when it comes to my recovery. It's ugly, but it's the truth. Please share if it will help.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
JustDone
Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)


Do you think a 12 year old should be allowed to witness a 30 year old man going thru the DT's?

As a mother and as a former Social Worker my answer is no.


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2781 | Registered: Feb 2006
jrc1963
Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Thanks HFSSC

Thanks everyone for the advice.

His dad agreed to just taking him out for the day on Saturday and not doing any overnight this weekend.

You all confirmed my gut instincts of it not being a good idea.

Thanks again!


Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 68
DS - 12
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24446 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Phew! I got here late, and I'm so glad you decided to say no!


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20009 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
jrc1963
Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Thanks Sad...

I was leaning towards "Hell No" but it was nice to have back up.


Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 68
DS - 12
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24446 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, September 12th (Thursday)

No Not in the early stages of withdrawl. However I do think it would be beneficial for him to see what a mess he is after he has somewhat stabilized, and discuss the fact that because of his addiction he is 30 years old with nothing to show for it.

This can be a sobering, and definitely good life lesson. Just not while they are in the throws of actual physcial withdrawl.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8194 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, September 12th (Thursday)

IF it was a close friend or family member I might say it would be okay to witness some of it as a good teaching experience. And it's not much worse than seeing someone violently ill with food poisoning that anyone could witness at anytime. However, since this is a virtual stranger to your son why would his father want to subject him to that on purpose? That's just weird. His dad should take him out to spend time with him.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
Topic Posts: 24