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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Unanswered questions
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

God damn it! There's so much I still don't know, and will never find out from Little Miss I-Never-Cheated-On-You-So-Stop-Being-Paranoid-And-Never-Mind-Those-Emails-You-Read-You-Stalker (that name may not catch on; I think I'll stick with calling her The Princess).

I never suspected her of cheating until we had already been married for over 17 years. I knew that she was a flirt, but why would that be a problem when she was so honourable - and was always so worried about ME cheating, right?

I don't know why, but I was just thinking back to our trip to Disney a couple years ago. We met another family on the plane that was from our town, and was staying in the same resort. We ran into them in the pool one day - just the dad and kids. He and The Princess spent a good portion of the afternoon out in the middle of the pool talking, while I watched both sets of kids! Of course, I was having fun with my kids, and didn't mind watching their new friends, and why would I worry about her?

A couple nights later, she decided she wanted to go for a walk. I thought it was a good idea for all of us to have a short walk before bed. She stopped that with her favourite, "You get to work by yourself all the time, but I never get alone time."

Of course, I don't KNOW if she was fucking him - and she may not have been - but this is just one more family memory that is ruined by her infidelity. The more I look, the more no memories are safe. She has ruined everything.

I've been working hard to try not to do this, and to create new memories with my boys. For the most part I've been successful, but every once in a while it really pisses me off.

I know you've all heard this a million times before, but I'm going to say it: She has taken our entire 17.5-year marriage and turned it into one giant cheating clusterfuck.

Have I mentioned that I hate her?


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1686 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Sigh. And I've been making such good progress lately.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1686 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Believe it or not, this IS good progress! Life review, re-examining events based on new information, determining what might be true versus what you know is true... That's good stuff there. It hurts like hell, but it's good stuff.

I had this same moment last year when I started sorting through STBX's stuff here at home (after I'd already booted him) and began discovering the extreme perversion & double life he'd been living. I realized, like you, that our entire marriage was built on a lie, that I'd never actually been in an honest marriage with him, that every single memory of my life with him was tainted. It's staggering. Go slow with yourself and allow yourself to wonder & turn it over in your mind.

I'm so sorry, bro. (((NON-FULL FRONTAL HUGS))))) ((((('CUZ OF THE MALE FEMALE THING, YA KNOW)))))


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9299 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

Thanks, NG, but how do you get through when you can't get answers? It's driving me crazy to think of all the devoted years that have been splotched with whatever she wasn't willing to swallow at the time (sorry, too much imagery?).

I'll gladly take your side-hugs. Thanks again.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1686 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

((Pass))

I totally get it. I know that every moment of our 22 years M is tainted, going back to where I found that he lied on our marriage application (wasn't enough to invalidate it legally). That should have been the first of many red flags that I chose to ignore over the years. The POS was, I thought, the most honorable person I knew. Hindsight is 20/20, unfortunately. I didn't WANT to see anything problematic and enjoyed years of marriage with rose colored glasses on. The reality was right in front of me and I minimized it all. There is now not a single memory I can think of that is not twisted in some way. I will never know everything, and I have come to terms with that even though I am a very analytical thinker and need answers.

Cut yourself some slack. She is not the person you thought she was, just as the POS was not the man I thought he was. You can't understand crazy unless you are crazy too, and you will drive yourself bonkers trying to second guess your history together.

Deep breaths and let it go...


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 976 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, September 12th (Thursday)

At some point when you've raged enough & bloodied your head to a pulp from banging it on the proverbial brick wall, when you reach that point you start walking away from the answers. That's been one of the hardest of the hard things for me. I'm the kind of person who needs to know. I heal from knowing. Yet I will never know exactly what he was up to. I have lots of circumstantial evidence, I can go back over memories and, based on what I now know, make educated guesses of what was really happening, but I'll never KNOW.

It's horrible to do that to another person. When the day comes that he has to meet his maker, he'll have some serious 'splaining to do.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9299 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, September 12th (Thursday)

I struggled with this a lot too, but I finally just accepted two things:

First, the truth I did have, while incomplete, was more than enough to justify the end of the marriage and underscore a dozen times over in blood red ink what a completely pathetic douche he is.

And second, more answers, more knowledge, more truth... would also bring more pain, and ultimately change nothing about the outcome of the situation.

Try to let go of that need to know. Nothing new you are able to learn is going to change anything or make you feel better. And isn't that in opposition to your current goals: changing and feeling better? I know its hard but don't waste the energy on her. Focus on you. You're far more important.


Me: Looking forward to the future
Him: Left behind in the past

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 664 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, September 12th (Thursday)

My god these used to torture me in the early days.

I read a post here once that said something like "sometimes when everything blows up it all falls into place".

That is exactly how I felt. I had a strong urge to know. I begged him to tell me. Like begged old-school in the old fashioned way. He resolutely refused. It used to make me crazy.

I can't tell you the number of times I was in a group of people and I was the only one who didn't know he was fucking around. That humiliation took quite some time to process. I now see that they were the ones who should feel humiliated. Just horrible.

I remember going to a colleagues wedding with him. I kept commenting on how strange OWUmpteen was acting. Is she OK? She is acting so strange!

He sat me next to her during the service and I was trying to cheer her up. Whenever I see someone is really uncomfortable I tend to go out of my way to make them feel a little more comfortable.

We all hung out in between the service and reception. I was blissfully and heavily pregnant at the time. Nice.

There are so many examples just like that. Working late. Out with the boys. Golf. I just need to run into work quickly.

Hell I even smelled another 'woman' in his groin - stopped, commented, we both gaslighted the fuck out of me (I knew what I smelled) and I still proceeded with the BJ. So.Fucked.Up.

Now? Now when something clicks into place and I wonder if he was up to something my response is always: "Probably. What a fuckwit, seriously". Then I continue with my day.

I think this strong need to know is us trying to make some sense out of this. Even if I did have the whole story I doubt I would be able to make sense of it because it is nonsensical.

This is part of the acceptance phase. It hurts like hell when it starts but by the end of it you're kind of all hurt-out. No more stones of hurt to turn over.

Be gentle with yourself, OK. We're all blinded a little when our BS fog lifts.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5435 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, September 12th (Thursday)

Pass....it's called "acceptance".

Eventually you will reach a point where you embrace the fact you have all the information you will ever get from her, or from what you have figured out.

Stop holding the blame for this and put it where it belongs....on HER shoulders.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6453 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, September 12th (Thursday)

"Probably. What a fuckwit, seriously"

This will become my new mantra! I like "fuckwit" because it doesn't make me sound like I hate women - I only hate one.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1686 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
lost4now
Member
Member # 21634
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, September 12th (Thursday)

Pass.....me too! I have a strong urge to know everything too. I always think it is better to know what you are dealing with instead of the wondering. But really, in this case, you are truly better off to try and put it all behind you. It's called the past for a reason. Try to focus on your present and the future. It's difficult at best some days but it really is the path to healing.

Strongbutbroken....smelled the same thing on my WS and knew what I was smelling....I said nothing and worried and cried and reasoned it all away so I could move past it. It was easier than hearing a lie from him I guess. I HATE myself for this. I recall it in my mind sometimes and I can't believe I did nothing about it. It eats me alive! When I read your post I felt for you too!!! It sucks.....and I am truly sorry you had to experience this as well.


BS - ME 43
WH 44
Married 20 years
DDay #1 12/28/07
DDay #2 9/18/08
DDay #3 12/28/08
Dday #4 11/18/10 (same OW)
Dday #5 8/22/12 (same OW)
2 beautiful daughters
"Love grows where it is nurtured and dies where it is not!"

Posts: 841 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: NJ
Dawn58
Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, September 12th (Thursday)

Dear pass,

Oh, I feel your pain and rage. I think we all want to know more, in order to understand how this happened. I think the truth that I am finding, is that I will never understand why he cheated on me. I am not cut from the same cloth he is (thank God), so I will never fully understand.

I have gone through, looking over the past four months of the marriage (I had no idea the affair was going on) and seeing it all in a different light. Then, moving onto the entire marriage (where there others?).

In the end, does it really matter? The more I found out (which really has not been all that much), the more pain I felt. I am at the point now, that i don't want that pain anymore. He cheated because that is who he is. He lied because that is who he is. Do I deserve someone that like? Hell no, I deserve so much more than that. I am honest, I am loving, I am strong, I am whole, I am kind. He didn't deserve me and he was damned blessed to have my love and devotion.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 465 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
ninebark
Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, September 12th (Thursday)

OH MAN I SO GET IT!! LOL!!!

I have been separated 2 years and I still can't look at our photo album from our Disney vacation.

This was our big family vacation that we had saved up for, it was so exciting, none of us had ever gone. The trip was so much fun. Except hisbuddy (who helped him hide the affair and his wife joined us...grr).

I found out later that he was in the A during that time and even called her from our hotel room when DS and I would go out and swim without him.

To this day looking at those pictures of us looking so much like a happy family makes my stomach just hurt.

Even though I am moving forward with my life and things are wonderful, those happy memories are forever tainted!! So ((hugs)) Pass, I am in the not so magic kindgom of memories with you.

Oh and I hate him too.... with a blinding white hot rage, that I cover with teeth clenching smile

[This message edited by ninebark at 9:45 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, September 12th (Thursday)

Pass,

It's been 10 years since my divorce, the truth of my marriage is still finding its way to the light of day and to me. In June I met a woman who used to live in our former town. She was surprised that we were divorced, and shared a detail or three about somethings that I was wondering about. The town we lived in is 1200 miles from where we are now! The information validated what I already suspected/knew to be true. It was a meh moment. It changes nothing about me, my opinion of him can't get any lower. I have already forgiven myself for being a trusting and faithful wife to someone who didn't deserve it. Hopefully you will to. Hugs.

The problem was I trusted his lies more than I trusted my gut!

More hugs ,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4851 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
kg201
Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, September 12th (Thursday)

I have been going back and forth trying to decide whether I want more answers or not. I met with the AP's wife and got some more information (basically a confirmation of timelines). But I think I have come to a point where I just see the last 3.5 years as one big lie, and it doesn't matter what all the little details were. If you take a big pile of shit and break it up into individual pieces, you still have a lot of shit. I on occasion struggle with the image of my WW with him sexually, but right now when my thoughts slip it's more about what they are currently doing. But I try to not care as best I can.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 592 | Registered: Aug 2013
npain
Member
Member # 33539
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

I too have come to the realization that there is no need for any more answers. What I currently have as evidence is so F'ed up for anyone to even consider going back into a marriage with the wasband.

Also, any additional info isn't going to make me feel any better and it isn't going to change things, so why bother? So I work on letting it go...and moving on with my MUCH BETTER life...


S,beginning D

Posts: 508 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: New York
Topic Posts: 16