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Reconciliation
User Topic: Movie trigger again ;( Are there any good movies to watch?
soconfusednow
Member
Member # 40078
Question  Posted: 9:29 AM, September 12th (Thursday)

Went to watch a movie with H & in less than 5 minutes infidelity was in my face again I either thought or said "I can't watch this" I'm not sure which, then got up & left the room. My H just sat there & watched the movie.

I started to get angry and my mind started spinning. How could he just sit & watch that, after I left the room. Didn't he even care that it upset me? Why didn't he offer to watch something different? Am I just being selfish? Maybe that was the only part like that. Maybe I should go try & watch it with him. If it's filled with it I know I'll start crying again.............Sometimes the spinning never stops. It would be nice to have a blank slate once in a while.

Later, he came and asked if he had done something. I told him "with that being in the beginning I wasn't sure how much it would be in the movie so I didn't want to watch it."

I wanted to scream "Yes you had a F***ing affair. And since infidelity is in almost every movie, it hurts to watch. Something that is supposed to be entertaining is now just another thing that has been taken away from me."

A simple I'm sorry that your hurting & a hug initiated by him would have been perfect just then......in my dreams I guess.

What I'd like to know is......are there any good movies out there that don't have any reference to affairs or someone coming on to someone they know is married.

[This message edited by soconfusednow at 9:42 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
SorrowBhindSmile
Member
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, September 12th (Thursday)

Finding Nemo! HA

Yeah, i hear you, totally feel your pain. It is EVERYWHERE!!! so frustrating. Shows that i used to enjoy watching are just soured and spoiled. Its hard to escape it, A's are so glorified in movies and TV shows. I never really noticed it until now.

Shortly after DDay, we were watching True Lies with another couple friend of ours who knew about the A. They had never seen the movie, and i had forgotten how basically the entire premise of the movie was his assumption that she had an A. OMG, half way thru my friend was so uncomfortable that she faked a headache/food poisoning and they left early. I TOTALLY knew she was faking, too, because i called her out on it the next day and she burst into tears and just said she felt so bad for me and didn't want me to be uncomfortable so she faked the headache so we could stop watching the movie. See, now that's a true friend right there. I just love her so!!!!!


Sometimes when i am feeling uncertain, i just steer clear of newer movies and go for the classics that i know and love....Jaws, Untouchables, A Christmas Story, Breakfast Club SpaceBalls LOL!

hugs to you!!


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, September 12th (Thursday)

I love good movies. I am a movie snob actually. There I said it. It's so hard confused bc it is everywhere. My bf gave me a "great" book to read and guess what was in it? I thought, "did you really just give this to me?" (She knows).

Anyway, back to the movies...we went to see the Way, Way Back this summer with Steve Carrell. It was in there but not apparent at first. But I could deal with it bc she took her power back (Toni Collette) and the focus was on her son. It was reall a look at adults behaving badly and the kids, in their youth just trying to figure it out.

I wish your H would have turned it off to comfort you. For now, its a trigger. Hopefully one day it won't be but right now it is and I hope you let him know in a kind but firm way that you NEED him to recognize this is a sensitive subject matter now. We don't watch Mad Men anymore bc of Don Draper.

((Soconfused)). LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, September 12th (Thursday)

I'm sorry you're so raw that you can't watch these things, been there and know the pain of it. His appropriate reaction would have been to turn it off and give you a hug and another apology.

I'm not married anymore, but I knew I was healing when I could watch an inflight movie with an underlying infidelity theme and not trigger. It took years to get there. Hopefully you will someday too.

In the meantime there's a movie called The Way with Sheen and his son Emilio Estevez. It's really good and I don't remember any triggery bits other than crying at the beautiful scenery and the emotional journey of the lead character...

And Spaceballs, Toy Story or Up.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 11:11 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17322 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, September 12th (Thursday)

Which movie was it?

Easy to list ones NOT to watch. Not easy to list ones TO watch.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, September 12th (Thursday)

"Warm Bodies" is a movie I just watched. It was a love story and it was good, although LA may not like it. It is actually a zombie love story. No infidelity at all.

I just like to be entertained by a movie and not have to "learn lessons" from movies. I want to forget about real life and get lost in the movie. I also dislike having my tears jerked. HATE movies with infidelity in it. I am appalled that most of my most favorite movies pre d-day have some infidelity in it.

I feel you should have talked to Mr.soconfusednow. Talk being the operative word, not scream, although I understand the wanting to scream. You kind of minimized it yourself with telling him

"with that being in the beginning I wasn't sure how much it would be in the movie so I didn't want to watch it."
I feel it would be good if you shared this:
Yes you had a F***ing affair. And since infidelity is in almost every movie, it hurts to watch. Something that is supposed to be entertaining is now just another thing that has been taken away from me."
We sometimes expect our WS's to know how everything effects us. But, they just don't, especially when you aren't that far out from d-day. They have a different perspective than us. We want our WS's to be empathetic, but I feel we must also point out to them things that do effect us so they can help with the triggers. Also, have you told your H what you want from him when you do trigger?

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:49 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
soconfusednow
Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

Also, have you told your H what you want from him when you do trigger?

My first thought was yes I have, but he is unwilling or unable to do that. Then I started thinking, I forget a lot, sometimes I'm not sure if I have or have not done things. Did I tell him? Can I tell him too many times? What's the difference between expressing my needs and nagging? If I have to nag or throw a fit to get what I need I don't want it, because it's not given freely. etc.....................there goes my mind spinning again. I wish it would just stop.

I feel it would be good if you shared this:
Yes you had a F***ing affair. And since infidelity is in almost every movie, it hurts to watch. Something that is supposed to be entertaining is now just another thing that has been taken away from me."

I feel like I'm constantly throwing it in his face. How are we suppose to heal if I can't get past it?

[This message edited by soconfusednow at 2:36 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

Soconfused, you registered on SI two months ago. If this is around your D-Day time then you are VERY early on in the process.

I feel like I'm constantly throwing it in his face. How are we suppose to heal if I can't get past it?

It is hard not to at this early stage but you will get there. You will get there sooner if he is empathetic, sensitive to your needs/triggers.

We saw that funny movie with Jason Bateman and Melissa McCartney. They had to stay in a hotel. It was a nice hotel. I thought, "did THEY stay in a nice hotel like this? How much money did they spend on room service? What did she wear? What did he say to her?" Shit, my brain would not stop early on! I told him after the fact how I felt. It took me off guard that I reacted this way and of course surprised him bc nothing sexual was happening in the movie scene but at that time just the fact that they were in a hotel was enough.

How are you supposed to heal? You keep talking. You listen. As me/Sister said YOU TELL HIM WHAT YOU NEED. Tell him what your triggers are. If it is hard to talk about it, put it on paper and hand it to him.

Finally, you move through this with hard work and time and it takes a hell of a lot of both. I know everyone hates that expression but what can I say? It just is.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Dreamland
Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

Yes try the Other Woman.. Made us wives look like total bitches.. I had to throw up.. I too noticed that's its almost in every movie. But I guess infidelty is really all around us are we at 60% of Marrisges have infidelities. I just don't want to be reminded as I am fucking living the outcome of selfish behaviours.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
SmallButStrong
Member
Member # 40128
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

I realized now that almost all of our "faves" as a couple I can no longer watch. Seriously! Love Actually, The English Patient, Crazy Stupid Love...all of them have infidelity.

For me, it doesn't even need to be infidelity. It can be about new, exciting love and it triggers me. I think about how exciting it must have been for them and that high they were on...

I've pretty much just boycotted movies, TV, and NEWS for that matter! At least for now...


Me: BW
Him: WH
Married 13 years at time of D-Day, 2 small children
D-day 1: 8/16/12 (told it was EA only)
D-day 2: 9/22/12 (the OW confessed to the truth and exposed the PA)
12 month affair, 10 months PA
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jul 2013
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

Oh, I agree - New Exciting Love is actually more of a trigger for me than infidelity in a movie! It has only been three months, though.

I can't even watch my trashy Housewives shows anymore.

And I can relate with the triggering over random stuff. Oh, there's a truck! They had sex in our truck, blah blah blah.

Hopefully this will lessen over time!


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1879 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

Warm Bodies is about a new, young love, but it is zombie love, so maybe it wouldn't be quite so triggery. It is also rated PG-13. It is an enjoyable movie. But I like zombies. Anyway, I find most action/adventure movies are the safest.

I had a long list of bizarre triggers. For me, at almost 3 1/2 yrs. post d-day, I can say the triggers have declined. And, the triggering is way, way down. I still avoid certain things. I don't feel I will ever find "infidelity" entertaining, even if it is just simply on principle. I refuse to watch. Very rarely is it ever portrayed realistically.

Some triggers don't really bother me anymore. Or, if I do trigger, it is just an "oh" and it is just that teeny, tiny blip now.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Dreamland
Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

Yep agree on the new exciting love relationships are huge triggers. I am reading a novel has all that sometime I throw the book and ask or wonder if that's how it was for them. No matter what WH does its not new with me. So I ask him why are you hear.. Why bother because I am afraid that with time he will want some thing new exciting and that Affair thrill. That's what he said he enjoyed. The thrill and so I can't even compete. How can we.. We are in year 2 of R and I am up and down constantly. And we are moving into holiday season which I hate. And our anniversary is linked to him meeting the Other bitch. So I hate it and Christmas new year valentines and march 8 international women's days. Which is huge big celebration for women in his country.. My DDay. I hate everything that's coming.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
FragileStrength
New Member
Member # 40640
Wink  Posted: 6:01 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

So those types of movies used to get to me too. Then I managed to see the positive side to it... well, semi silver lining at least. Because there are SOOOO many movies that involve infidelity, it helped me to realize how common this really is... which helped me in knowing that I really wasn't alone. And that is the biggest support through all of this because that was the biggest feeling I felt when I found out... that I was alone and I would have to face recovery as such.

But the truth is, it's out there... it's a HUGE issue in relationships... and because that's true, it also means there are great support sites like this, and books, and programs, and resources...

Ok, so maybe that wasn't exactly an answer to your question, but maybe it will help to offset that particular trigger? And as far as which movies to watch? I LOVE Disney movies... I am truly a sucker for Mulan... :)


Dating 9 years (8.5 years committed)
DDay1 - July 20, 2012
DDay2 - April 24, 2013
Multiple EA and PA from the beginning of our relationship.
The grass ain't always greener on the other side, it's green where you water it. - Big Sean

Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013
MsRukia
Member
Member # 40219
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, September 13th (Friday)

I was thinking about this today as I was browsing Netflix. There are a lot of shows and movies that do have affairs and sexuality in them. I realized that documentaries and reality TV are going to be my best bets. Have you found any other things to watch?


BS (34)
WS MisterP (37)
Together 14 1/2 years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly but surely finding my way.

Posts: 172 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
Markay81
New Member
Member # 39387
Default  Posted: 4:35 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

I have pretty much given up enjoying movies unless its horror. I cant even do Disney princess movies cause I think "Prince charming my ass he will probably cheat" Or my WH gets so mad cause if we are watching a movie and if someone is proposing or getting married I yell at the tv "Don't do it, its a trap". So unless its blood and guts with people running and screaming I tend not to watch. Sad part is I cheer for the phyco killer lol


Ugh! Sometimes reality sucks.
BS (me) 31
WH (him) 33
OW - married Bar Whore Rig Rat
Married 14 years
3 amazing kids
DDay-3/03/2013 TT.The whole truth came out(hopefully) 06/09/2013
Currently on the roller coaster of R.

Posts: 48 | Registered: May 2013
Amber13
Member
Member # 40505
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

Have you seen "This is 40"? I really enjoyed it, its about a H & W not really getting on having a few issues but its funny and has a nice ending.

Posts: 63 | Registered: Aug 2013
UKlady
Member
Member # 39058
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, September 15th (Sunday)

I cant even do Disney princess movies cause I think "Prince charming my ass he will probably cheat"

Yup! me too!!

and

....if someone is proposing or getting married I yell at the tv "Don't do it, its a trap".

and that!! That actually made me LOL - I want to do that when I see weddings out and about now too! Whereas before whenever we saw a bride on her way to her wedding or a newly married couple on their way to their reception both WH and I would go 'awww that's nice' and feel all warm and lovely about our own wedding day - not any more, not for me


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 18