SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Wifey vent
wannabenormal
Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

I'll try to make this short.

I have 2 kids. Until this year, both attended the same school. School doesn't have buses, so parents drive to and from.

This year, we changed one of the kids to different school. So kid1 is still at same school, kid2 is not. I don't live in XH's district, so this means when I have kids, I would have 2 drop-offs in morning. Well, XH OFFERED to pick up kid2 from kid1's school on my days...so I won't have two drop-offs. I have a bitchin' commute and the second school is not on way.

We've been at this for a month with few hiccups.

For some reason, wifey has decided she'll take kid1 to school on the days they have kids. She mentioned once how she feels SOOO bad for XH having to drive all the way to school1 for kid2...so kid2 can catch bus at their house (it's not even that bad, but I get it's a hassle). XH hasn't said a word to me about this.

I told kid1 that wifey should not be talking to them about this and should it come up again, kid1 could politely bring up the fact that XW also is inconvenienced with the situation as XW (me) picks up kid2 from their house everyday on my kid nights.

I told kid1 IF it comes up again and you feel inclined to respond, that's something you could say. It doesn't have to be nasty...you could simply state it's different now for everyone.

It came up again recently...kid1 said, "I know, but my mom also drives a lot too". To which wife replies, "EXCUSE ME?!" The kid1 goes into how I drive all the time, a lot of the time and that I get kid2 from their house everyday that kids are with me.

Wife replies with - "Yeah, well your mom gets kid2 when she FEELS like it". Then goes on to suggest to kid1 that "maybe your mom can find a service to take you guys to school. it's probably like $25 a week" and then asks kid1 if they know what time I leave my job each day and what is my schedule like.

I am so mad. First and foremost, my child is not your sounding board. You don't like this new schedule, you either talk to me or you talk to your H to talk to me.

Secondly, don't you DARE presume to speak on my schedule.

I won't present my schedule here now but it's crazy and a lot of that is due to a really shitty commute.

I saw wife the other day when I got kid2 and it took everything in me not to knock her ass out in the driveway. She's such a bitch!!!



Posts: 14362 | Registered: Jun 2008
hurtbs
Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

Yes, she sounds like a bitch and is way too up in your business.

But also, very gently, you should not be coaching your child to defend you to her or broach these arguments. It's bad enough that she is being a bitch about you to him (grossly inappropriate). However, because she's such a bitch this will just exacerbate the issue and cause your child a lot more strife.

The next time he tells you stupid bitchy stuff that came out of stupid bitch's mouth, just say something like "Well I'm sorry she feels that way." or "I'm sorry you had to hear her talk about that."


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15325 | Registered: Jun 2006
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

Your children should not be put in the position of having to have these conversations, period!

That said, don't mke your children defend you, no matter how accurate. Teach them that the only response they need have about any such cnversations initiated by wifey is as follows: "This is something you should discuss with Mom, but not with me." Period!


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
wannabenormal
Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

I didn't realize I should 'coach' her.

I was merely trying to provide kid1 with a reply because kid1 felt 'helpless'...but I can see what y'all are saying.

I will go with the 'I'm sorry she feels that way' approach. Thanks for the input!



Posts: 14362 | Registered: Jun 2008
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

I know it is beyond aggravating, but you were coaching her. To defend you.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
wannabenormal
Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

I didn't feel like I was - I felt like that I was presenting my side (which WAS coaching her). So I will just listen...and unless she asks, won't say anything.

This shit is HARD!



Posts: 14362 | Registered: Jun 2008
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

((((hugs))))

I understand about bitchin commutes! And I really don't know how you deal with the superior and arrogant attitude of your X and his wifetress. I don't know if I could keep from strangling that bitch.

As far as "coaching", your child was upset and asked for help. Perhaps you did not tell her the best thing, but there is no manual that goes along with being a BS (t/j and why to WS get a manual but we don't?? end t/j). Perhaps next time help your child to articulate how they feel without any mention of you. Something like "Well the schedule is hard for me too. I don't like all the driving around either." If either of your kids ever mentions you then you know wifetress with pitch a fit. Because face it, she wishes you did not exist. You are the constant reminder that she is an OW/WW with a OM/MM, regardless of the fact that they both D and then created a new fantasy M. And she has previously shown that she is perfectly willing to talk shit about you to the kids. So the best thing to do, for both you and the kids, is to remove yourself from all conversations. If they feel attacked by OW then help them find ways to express how they feel and how it affects them without bringing you into the conversation.

HTH


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17638 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

i don't mean to belabor thevpoint, but you say,
I felt like that I was presenting my side

This would provoke a youngster who loves their mother to take up for her side. It puts her in a no win situation, and can cause her stress. ,.instead, much better to teach her how to be neutral and deflect manipulating "adults" like wifey to take their triffling up with someone their own size.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
wannabenormal
Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

Okay, I totally get that I handled it wrong and I will modify my behavior. But...

I also was hoping for more sympathy!


Ha ha...but I've heard things before where I bite my tongue. I feel like 'taking the high road' has created a situation where it's okay for wife to have her opinion and we just take it with a grain of salt because the wife knows I won't say anything and if the kids do, she knows her H, my X) has her back.

I wasn't nasty, but I did have enough. My job sucks, my schedule sucks...to have someone insinuate I don't do enough went right up my ass.

Thanks for listening, just wanted to vent. *sigh*



Posts: 14362 | Registered: Jun 2008
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

I totally get it. I just keep in mind, what's best for my kids. It's always about them.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
wannabenormal
Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

Alpha - I feel I've done what's best for my kids all along.

What got me is something insinuating that I don't. I always take this crap with a grain of salt, but insinuating I take advantage or don't do my part really got to me.

I'm not perfect, but I've always tried really damned hard. ALWAYS because I never wanted to look back and regret the way I handled something.

I'll just be more cautious with my reaction now.



Posts: 14362 | Registered: Jun 2008
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, September 13th (Friday)

You sure have my sympathy. My husband's first wife is married to her AP, and when his daughter was young, he did ALL of the driving - 20 miles each way, every weekend, Wednesday evenings, anything. Ex-wife NEVER did the driving. And she worked part-time for many of those years.

But I also agree, this isn't for the kids to hash out. Just tell your kids to say, "this is between you adults, not me."


Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1478 | Registered: Nov 2010
RyeBread
Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, September 13th (Friday)

These situations are tough. you have my sympathy for sure.

I think the best response for your kids to say is "Call my mom. Thats between you guys." Type of response. They've already been put in a situation they didn't choose, they don't need to be in the middle of any more stress/drama.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, September 13th (Friday)

"maybe your mom can find a service to take you guys to school. it's probably like $25 a week"

Why doesn't she and xh pay for the service. Beytch.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2982 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Topic Posts: 14