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User Topic: Updates/Developments (His co-worker called-- long)
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, September 13th (Friday)

First of all-- to all of my SI friends who have PM... I have started emails to all of you but was interrupted by a surprise vacation and dinner by my friends/family this week (our anniversary was today and everyone was trying to help keep my mind off of it). Between that and work, I've been MIA. I'm sorry!

My brief backstory for any newbies is that we were living apart this year due to his new job on the opposite coast and I had been in the process of changing my whole life around to come join him out there permanently. I got a job in his office, quit my job, sold almost everything, shipped everything else out there and was all set to go... and found out about a week before I was going to leave that he had been cheating with a coworker for several months.

He had left a fiancee in the past and has a significant history of FOO and mental health issues, so we all thought this was some sort of breakdown at first.

But 3 week of false R over the phone/Skype and he came back from a trip home to see family armed with ILYB speeches and wanting S. He also admitted he had taken the A underground. Crazy or not, I told him if he broke NC that was it for me, so I NCed him on the spot (took him off FB, blocked his phone on my cell, etc) and held firm to it... until today.

So, update:

As I mentioned, today is our anniversary. Would have been 11 years. Friends had been calling and emailing all day. A bunch of them had surprised me with a vacation to a B&B on the coast. When I got back home, they had a dinner party set up for me with presents, including a hard cover book they had bound filled with messages they had written about how much they loved me and their favorite memories of me, gift certificates for new clothes and a spa day, framed photos, etc. Wasn't a dry eye in the house. So touching.

I'll admit I half expected (hoped?) that WS would call. He didn't.

I check my phone in the backseat of the car on the way back from the dinner party and I had an email from a coworker of WS whom I had never met or spoken to before. Here is a part of her email:

****
Anyhow, maybe this is strange or maybe it's not- but I've been wanting to say so much to you, that I'm sorry to hear what happened re: breaking off your relationship with [WS] after 10.5 years. I remember so much how I was looking forward in meeting you early this summer!

I know today is your anniversary- September 12th. If you feel sad- I wanted to encourage you with the following saying:

[a very nice-- but long-- encouraging saying about how things will get better and everything happens for a reason]

Even though I have not met you, I just know that you are a super pretty girl & extremely bright! You are a great catch for someone who will appreciate you! (that's what I keep telling myself & as young women we totally need to stay strong & stick together!) For what its worth, I've only known WS for a small amount of time, and he's been a good boss, mentor, and friend to me. I'm sure both of you were great together. I feel bad for both of you. But, you are both in my thoughts today for a brighter and hopeful future.
***

This email made me temporarily insane. Here I was with something like 35 texts, phone calls and well-wishes from people who love and care about me. Friends who got together and scraped together all of these gifts and getaways for me... made a freaking BOOK telling me how much they love me. And now someone I haven't even ever met is emailing me this sweet and caring note.

Yet the one person who was supposed to love me forever-- the one person I loved the most in the world-- was MIA on our anniversary.

First: I effing called WS. He hasn't changed his number. He sent me to VM. I left him a short message and told him that I don't understand why he did what he did, but I've given up trying to. But I don't understand why he continues to do what he is doing by hurting me and our friends and family with how he is acting and his silence. That anything I've done in terms of blocking him or whatnot is because he continues to act like none of this means anything to him and I refuse to watch. And that, he should know that I don't hate him. That I look back on our 10 years together with a lot of love and I hope he does, too. But that I have fully accepted there is no future for us. In light of that, I told him that I hope he finds happiness-- whatever that means to him now. And I hung up.

I have not heard back from him.

The coworker left her number on the bottom of the email. I called her and left her a message simply thanking her for her email and told her that, even if we never speak, I'll remember that she made such a nice gesture.

She called me back. Within a couple of mins it was clear she was either calling because she was on a fishing expedition for herself, or the office had sent her on one because she is about to leave her job there (so she tells me). She told me that he has been telling people that we had been having problems since November (a lie) that I left him, or maybe it was sort of mutual (a lie) and that the reason for our S/D was that we discovered we weren't compatible (WTF????) and so it didn't make sense for me to follow him out there.

She said that she tried not to push it with him too much because, technically, he was her boss... but that she kept politely suggesting to him that his story didn't make sense. That a woman doesn't uproot her life and stay with a man for over a decade and then just decide one day that there aren't compatible.

She said it took her two months, but in late July/early August she was helping him move his office into another building and she finally said to him that the only thing that makes sense to her is that I cheated or that he cheated. He told her he refused to discuss it.

I decided that's it. I'm not going to hold back anymore. I told her everything. I told her that he cheated. I told her it was with a coworker. I told her who it is. I told her how I found out.

The whole time she just kept gasping and muttering "this is disgusting".

She had to go, but promised to call me tomorrow (I don't know how I feel about that). But she tells me that, as far as WS and OW are concerned "there is something there/something is going on there." And that the office suspected something in particular because they both took vacation days since yesterday for a long weekend and everyone thought it was odd timing (given our anniversary). I told her about how he told me he wouldn't date her openly right away but "maybe in six months." So I confirmed for her that that all may be part of the plan. She told me that OW rubs everyone in the office the wrong way. She also hinted that he had been inappropriate with her in some way, too.

Remember this is the guy who has had 5 women in his office either quit (including me!) and/or report him to HR for being "hostile" and not respecting the opinions of others.

I really don't know how I feel about all of this. I thought of all of you on SI right away.

First of all, I can go either way on having broken NC. On our anniversary, I sort of think I get a pass and shows I'm a decent person. I'm trying not to kick myself for that too much. Frankly, I don't know how I would have lived with myself if I just let the day go by without saying SOMETHING.

Second, all of you who told me, despite his protests to the contrary, that he would stay with OW. You win a prize.

I feel like I can officially stop wondering what FOO/mental health issues poor little WS is suffering from. He's taking vacations on our anniversary... yet he can't be bothered to pay back a loan he took from my family, etc etc etc.

I still can't quite get myself to a place where I think our years together were crap. Quite honestly, I thought we loved each other and things were more or less great. Not until the separation did it all fall apart.

But whoever this dude is now is certainly someone who is detestable.

And I don't get what this coworker is up to. I think she means well, but I also suspect she's a mole. But I'm glad I told her the truth. I hope she tells the whole office in the morning, frankly.

So what do you think? What is this coworker up to? Should I talk to her again if she calls tomorrow?

Did I do the right thing in telling all to the people (or, perhaps only one person) he works with?

What do you anticipate might be the aftermath of all of this?

It was so hard not to call him again after I found out he's probably on some get-away with OW to tell him to scrap all of that mature stuff I just said in the last message because I talked to "X" in his office, know where he is right now and, oh by the way, I told "X" everything...

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 2:10 AM, September 13th (Friday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 2:32 AM, September 13th (Friday)

It makes no sense why a co-worker of his that you never met would e-mail you and then call you to talk about your WH's (bosses) affair. As Judge Judy says if it doesn't make sense, it probably isn't true.

How did this vertual stranger even know it was your anniversary in the first place unless she is talking with your WH about something an employee would never know?? She also is talking about things that are very personal and not the least bit related to her job.

It sounds like she was just trying to get information out of you for WH or OW. I would not take anymore of her e-mails or calls and do not tell her any more of your personal issues.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 3:30 AM, September 13th (Friday)

Ditto what TrustGone said.

She is looking for information. Either she has a crush on him and wants to know who she is competing with, or she is a nosey parker and is the local gossip. If she is leaving her job, why is she insinuating herself into your life now? Something smells here.

ps: could this be OW checking to see if he is talking to you? And to see where your head is at, if you are coming for him or she has a clear shot. Either way really crappy thing to do.

[This message edited by momentintime at 3:32 AM, September 13th (Friday)]


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2985 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
million pieces
Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, September 13th (Friday)

ps: could this be OW checking to see if he is talking to you? And to see where your head is at, if you are coming for him or she has a clear shot. Either way really crappy thing to do.

This is what I thought immediately.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 12
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, September 13th (Friday)

Yeah, I thought immediately that you were talking to the OW.. I would try to stay NC with this mystery person from now on..

And you have some awesome friends! Congrats for making it through your anniversary. A funny coincidence for you if I'm right- STBX did not contact me on our anniversary last month, but OW texted me..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2320 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, September 13th (Friday)

Yeah, I agree all around that something isn't right.

My first thought, actually, was that she's interested in WS but something was eating at her about the fact that he's technically still M and wanted to know my side of the situation before getting involved with a M man.

Ugh. This is why I was NC-ing. I didn't want to have to deal with this kind of thing.

I feel completely dirty. I hate that he has pulled me into this life.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 6:44 AM, September 13th (Friday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, September 13th (Friday)

As I was reading her email I thought "it''''s the OW".

As I read your voicemail to your WS, I thought noooooooo don''''t do it bc it reminds me of how his fiancée that he walked away from contacted him and how he didn''''t respond to that.

Now that you''''ve talked to OW, I''''m thinking there are 2 OW and this is the spurned one.

You''''re still trying to make sense of this like your WS is a normal person, but he isn''''t. He''''s a con artist pure and simple. Start evaluating all he does/did from that''''s respective and you''''ll see it fits. You can have all the pleasant memories of the last 10 years that you want, after all, for you they probably were largely pleasant. But you really need to get your head around the reality that your WS isn''''t who you think he is or even was.

You are surrounded by love, you are young enough to begin again. Your are very very lucky you didn''''t have kids with this guy. You have a lot to be grateful for and glad about.

Seriously FTG and get mad. If you think of him, let it be to say, what a worthless piece of shit who is going to die old and alone. He stole so much form you and doesn''''t deserve a kind word or thought. You wish him happiness? Well I don''''t. I wish all the bad things in the world to happen to him, just like I do with my xWH. And it''''s going to happen, of that I am sure.

[This message edited by cayc at 6:44 AM, September 13th, 2013 (Friday)]


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3122 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, September 13th (Friday)

Ugh. I completely see where you're coming from cayc.

So what do I do now? NC the mystery caller and that's it?


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, September 13th (Friday)

And I knew while I was doing it that it was JUST like the fiancée.

AAAArrrrrgggggg! Why did I have champagne with dinner???? I'm too much of a warm and fuzzy/happy drunk.

(*facepalm*)


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
neverbeokay
Member
Member # 8275
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, September 13th (Friday)

I agree with the other posters - it's an OW or one of her coconspirators.

What's done is done, and don't beat yourself up about it, you didn't make this f'ed up situation.

You have your life ahead of you. NC from now on.


Posts: 306 | Registered: Sep 2005
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, September 13th (Friday)

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE????

Who calls someone's estranged spouse on their ANNIVERSARY to fish for info?

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 6:53 AM, September 13th (Friday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, September 13th (Friday)

If it wasn't OW1 or OW2, 3, 4, 5, 6 etc. I will eat my shoe.

None of that is normal. There is no universe where ANY of that is normal.

But you really need to get your head around the reality that your WS isn''t who you think he is or even was.

^^Word.

Unfortunately breaking NC IS normal. We all fall off. Remember how you feel right now the next time you are tempted to break NC.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now but he is doing you a huge favour. You are still in shock and your head is spinning - you haven't had enough negative interaction to strengthen your resolve. But you are having negative experiences - that's the next best thing.

Dust yourself off and get back on the wagon.

Block the crazy "co-worker". Even if you buy the crazy story you have so much love around you that you don't need to let this strange person in your life.

Don't be so hard on yourself. If this one slip helps you stick to hardcore NC in future then it is well worth the price of admission.

I fell of the wagon at least a dozen times before I decided I had had enough new hurts.

((PL)) You will not find closure in that guy's direction. It is sitting within you. You just need a little time to unlock it. Please be gentle with yourself, friend.

The wedding anniversary/S-date and DD date weren't hard for me. Its the antiversary of the day we met in October - he proposed on the same date a year later. THAT was my hell day last year. It won't be as bad this year but I can already feel that I am bracing myself for it.

These first are the hardest. The 2nds I've had so far have been a breeze.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, September 13th (Friday)

I say don't block the phantom woman just yet - if you are still married. If you aren't married, and want to move on with your life, block her. If she calls back, just see what SHE tells you.

Someone actually called me a very long time ago (15years ago) from my H work telling me stuff he was doing at work----this woman had been cheated on before. She even came by my house one day and I didn't open the door! I blew her off thinking she was nuts. GOD IF ONLY I HAD LISTENED TO HER!!!!!

Also, before I was married to XWH, a guy called me from H work whom I had met only once. He said I seemed like a really nice person and that I really needed to think about moving across the country with bf (now XWH)because stories he told everyone just did not make sense. He gave me examples of what my (then boyfriend, now XWH) told me vs what he told everyone at work. This guy was only about 25 years old with a big heart. I didn't listen and I moved 5 states away with him. I should have listened!!!!!


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2214 | Registered: Jan 2012
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, September 13th (Friday)

I was feeling like it was the OW, too, whilst reading. Or, wannabe OW, or OW's besty.

OW called me (before I knew there was even an OW) and tried to befriend me. I didn't know it at all. OW was a former co-worker of FWH's, so called me on some dumb pretense of wanting to touch base with its former boss.

Yeah, I felt so dumb because I did give some info to this stranger on the phone. Nothing really personal. But, more info than I should have. AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!

Lesson learned. I am so sorry, PL. Don't let this weirdo ruin what all your IRL friends did for you to make you feel special and important, because you are. (((PL)))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9798 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
sammie
Member
Member # 7785
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, September 13th (Friday)

Yup. This is another OW. One who was lied to about you AND original OW. And she is clearly a nasty, sneaky, slimy little skank to be calling you when she KNEW you would be at your most vulnerable to pump you for info.

I am just FURIOUS with this hobag on your behalf!

Huge hugs hon. You do not deserve any of this shit!


If someone loves you, it should feel like they love you.
Never give more of yourself than you are getting back.

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." ~Ernest Hemingway


Posts: 5818 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Australia
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, September 13th (Friday)

My gut tells me this woman is up to no good... but, frankly, I wanted to out him and I wanted to know what he's been saying about me and whether he's still with OW.

I think I've gotten all of the info I need or want... so I agree that I'm going to have to NC her now.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, September 13th (Friday)

But I'm still going to want to vomit every time I think of breaking NC. I hadn't broken it since May! AAAARRRRGGGG!!!!

Let this be a lesson, kids...


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, September 13th (Friday)

I just keep wondering how she got your number


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8459 | Registered: Apr 2008
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, September 13th (Friday)

PL,

Do not beat yourself up for breaking NC. You have done an amazing job and I'm glad that your first communication was something positive, mature, understanding, and respectful...etc. Even if he doesn't deserve these things from you, your dignity is intact.

Dust yourself off and keep moving forward. Your EX is a coward. The coworker is either a busy body or a coconspirator as others have suggested. I hope it's not the OW because that is sick and disgusting.

The best part of your post is that you are surrounded by so many people who love and adore you. I know what it's like to spend a third of your life with someone and see it all disappear in an instant. It's a journey finding yourself again. It sounds like the people around you are helping to remind you of the wonderful person you were before you ever met your WS and the wonderful person you are now.

Wether or not he is spending the weekend with OW doesn't matter. You are so far removed from that whole situation and just by the information you received from the phone call you can get a glimpse of what your life would have been like had you stayed there and given him more chances or kept in contact with him. If anything I hope this confirms for you that you absolutely have made the right decision in staying away.

I believe everything happens for a reason. I know from all of your previous posts that you are very analytical and rational and you have explored many facets of your relationship, the A, and your WS' history. It doesn't sound as if he has done any of that. It sounds as if he just buried his head in the sand and is deluding himself into thinking that the his revisionist history is the truth. I've experienced the same thing but unfortunately I've had to face my WS on an almost daily basis. Even if I didn't, I know I would have faltered half as many times as I have since DDay. So I always give you mad props for staying NC for this long. I mean damn girl....you are a champion!

I just think it's a process and by each step you take forward you get further and further away from this unhealthy situation. A good friend told me recently that all of these bad times will just make me appreciate it more when someone healthy comes into my life.

I'm happy to see your post and know you are doing ok. Especially through something as triggery as your wedding anniversary. Stay strong and hold your head up high for handling all of this with style and grace.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 9:33 AM, September 13th (Friday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, September 13th (Friday)

So sorry. Instead of being mad at yourself for breaking NC, turn that anger towards it's proper direction: your WH and that woman. I, too, think she is an OW, and I have an especially low opinion of her because she contacted you on your anniversary date.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9824 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
movingforward13
Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, September 13th (Friday)

You need to file for divorce and put this madness behind you. Your ex is still with the OW. Probably has more drama now since some random chick is reaching up out to you. He clearly isn't thinking about you since he wouldn't even pick up your call.

Fuck him.
For for divorce.
End this chapter.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 640 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, September 13th (Friday)

I hate that he has pulled me into this life.
He didn't pull you back in.
But I'm still going to want to vomit every time I think of breaking NC. I hadn't broken it since May! AAAARRRRGGGG!!!! Let this be a lesson, kids...

Take 2 asprin, block your STBXH on your telephone, and file the divorce papers.

He's taking vacations on our anniversary... yet he can't be bothered to pay back a loan he took from my family,

The loan is between your father and your STBXH.

File for Divorce!!!

(((PhantomLimb)))

[This message edited by ladies_first at 11:26 AM, September 13th (Friday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, September 13th (Friday)

I hate this, but I'm worried that he's going to find out that I confirmed the A with this person and hate me.

God... why do I care so much? I guess I feel like I want him to remember me as someone who loved him and didn't deserve this. Not someone who sabotaged him...


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, September 13th (Friday)

I hate this, but I'm worried that he's going to find out that I confirmed the A with this person and hate me.

I understand how you feel. I too cared if ex hated me. When I started to accept that Ex is a spineless POS with no conscience, I no longer cared. If a horrible excuse for a human doesn't like you, so what? That's a good thing as people like that only "like" those they can use and abuse!

(((Phantom)))

If it was another OW, I hope she's an angry, vindictive, bunny boiling, lunatic who will make your WH's and his other OW's lives a living hell.

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 2:16 PM, September 13th (Friday)]


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, September 13th (Friday)

(((PhantomLimb)))

My shoulda/coulda/woulda anniversary is also the 12th. Yesterday would have been 26 years. And for the first time I felt nothing.

Be kind to yourself.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17685 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, September 13th (Friday)

I'm worried that he's going to ... hate me. ...I feel like I want him to remember me as someone who loved him and didn't deserve this.

You can't control his feelings.

You never could control his feelings (if you could, there would be no need for a place like Surviving Infidelity.)

“There are no happy endings.
Endings are the saddest part,
So just give me a happy middle
And a very happy start.”

~Shel Silverstein, Every Thing on It

[This message edited by ladies_first at 2:56 PM, September 13th (Friday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, September 13th (Friday)

I hate this, but I'm worried that he's going to find out that I confirmed the A with this person and hate me.

God... why do I care so much? I guess I feel like I want him to remember me as someone who loved him and didn't deserve this. Not someone who sabotaged him...

At this point my IC would give me that look she gets when I say something incredibly muddled. You know the one where they look at you over the top of their glasses, shaking their head good-naturedly? That look?

That's the look I'm giving you now.

Okay, so let's run with this. Let's say he finds out you've spilled the beans. Is what you said true? Yes, it is. So nothing's changed there. Would he be finding out something about himself he doesn't already know? Of course not.

Does he love & adore you? No, he doesn't. In fact, he's made great deliberate effort to hurt you & set things in motion that have destroyed your life. So truthfully, it doesn't matter if he hates you. He can't do anything worse to you. He isn't a wizard, his hating you won't magically turn into some evil spell that will fly to your house & peck your eyes out. His hatred isn't going to hurt you.

You're afraid he's going to think you sabotaged him? And how would you do that? By telling someone the truth about him? So, speaking the truth about the true things he's done is harmful to him?

Isn't that twisted logic? Isn't it true that HE did these things? So he's done this to himself? All you did was have a conversation. You didn't reach out to this woman, she reached out to you. No matter who she is, she came after you and asked for this information. You haven't sabotaged him at all.

In fact, he is the one who sabotaged you. He is the liar. He is the cheater. You're the survivor.

You cannot manage someone's thoughts & memories. You're only in charge of yourself. You MUST let go of the notion that you have any power. What he thinks of you is completely irrelevant to you & your life.

Get him out of your head, Hon.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9824 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, September 13th (Friday)

End of the Day Update: I went to see my IC and reviewed everything here.

He told me he's actually happy that I called WS because he said it shows I'm human. He said that the way I've maintained NC, gone faithfully to IC, tried to rebuild my life by taking all of the correct steps in systematic order, etc etc was admirable and impressive but "not sustainable." We talked about how the fact he didn't answer or respond-- and the fact that I wasn't shaken by that-- shows that there was some benefit to doing it. I got something off of my chest, was measured and mature about it and his reaction (or lack thereof) gives me confirmation of where he's at and that helps me move forward and file.

As for this woman calling, he agrees something is fishy. All my friends do as well. They say that she's too invested and anxious about something. Whether it's on the negative or positive side for WS, it sort of doesn't matter. It's enough to know that I want to take a giant step back.

And we're going to keep working on this idea that I care what he thinks of me. There's a lot there and a lot of things it could mean. He suggested we not over analyze it or try to "solve" it -- but keep it out there as something peculiar that keeps coming up for me that we have to keep an eye on as I deal with all of this loss. (But your advice, Nature, is well-taken).

That woman just texted me a few mins ago. I guess I must have mentioned the story about the dog peeing on WS (I guess I'll tell a perfect stranger if you give me 5 mins... but, I mean, come on, who wouldn't. She's been sending me memes about dogs peeing on stuff with smiley faces, telling me she'll call in a little while.

I'm not going to answer tonight. I want to tell her that I appreciate her support, but I'm not comfortable discussing this further. But I'm tired and not up for the mental and emotional energy that is going to take. Again, I just want to take a huge step back from the whole thing.

IC says to strap in and prepare myself in case WS finds out that I confirmed everything and begins raging at me again. He also said be prepared for him to go on the offense and begin telling people I'm a liar or something to that effect.

But this is such a strange development. Hard to get my mind around. She must be an OW or something along those lines. Whatever she is, she's too eager.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, September 13th (Friday)

Sounds like you have an excellent IC.

Friends had been calling and emailing all day. A bunch of them had surprised me with a vacation to a B&B on the coast. When I got back home, they had a dinner party set up for me with presents, including a hard cover book they had bound filled with messages they had written about how much they loved me and their favorite memories of me, gift certificates for new clothes and a spa day, framed photos, etc.

May I suggest you devote 100% of your attention to your friends at home ... and 0% energy to STBXH and anonymous emails from people "whom I had never met or spoken to before."

Have a great weekend!


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, September 13th (Friday)

My IC is pretty great. I wish I could tell you guys his name, too. It's hilarious.

That woman just called and left a message. She's persistent. I'll give her that.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, September 13th (Friday)

Whatever she is, she's too eager.

She's persistent.
Yes, that is the crux of why this just isn't sitting right. And, now I am getting creeped out by her, too. How about you, PL?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9798 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, September 13th (Friday)

Well, here is one thing about this that I hadn't put together until today:

You guys might remember that WS hired one of my good friends as his secretary in the Spring. She's quit the job and is coming home at the end of her contract... but she's out there.

I looked at this woman's FB page and she is friends with my friend and with the other woman in the office WS hated and used to tell me was insane (the "Cabin Lady" for those of you who remember that WS stayed in a cabin with this person last summer during a training session and lied to me about it).

She is not friends with WS on FB. She professes that they are friends (and that she was texting him on our anniversary) etc etc. But not to the point that that connection has been made.

I understand that that's a minor thing all things considered-- but the sort of conflict here is that I know my friend who is out there is a good person. She's professional. She's got a good head on her shoulders. She's obviously discreet (she knows about the A and she evidently didn't spill it).

I've come to suspect that the other coworker WS hated and lied about is fundamentally a good person-- a little nutty-- but a decent person. And she was just promoted over WS's head (which definitely must have chapped his behind).

So it does seem on the face of it that this woman is a good witch and not a bad witch. But who knows...

But, yes, my gut tells me to be creeped out. Beyond her being too eager... if WS is her friend... she is awfully quick to believe me and take my side. It's a little strange.

I've thought about contacting my friend and asking her what she thinks of this girl-- but we made a promise to one another that I wouldn't get her involved and she wouldn't tell me what she's witnessing out there.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
ChoosingHope
Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, September 13th (Friday)

i can't read all these responses.

I'm imagining my psychologist shaking her head here and saying, "Just WHY are we still having this conversation? WHY are you so focused on this woman that you don't know - and the man who treated you so poorly?"

I know this is all new. And so DRAMATIC. It sounds like you are surrounded by fabulous and supportive friends, and that soon you'll be able to sit back and take a deep breath and be so thankful that this sort of unpleasant, scary, mysterious, threatening drama is out of your life.

The only way to get there is NC with all of this stuff.

But you already know that!

After I finally asked my STBX to leave, I compiled a list of more than a dozen situations like this that occurred with women throughout my marriage. Most were not as dramatic as this - they ranged from a secretary that insisted that I take a look/pay my STBX's cellphone bills, to a woman who emailed me at my work email address and told me that she was having a S&M affair with my husband and was pregnant with my child.

So I've heard it all. On the other side of this MESS, you are going to find peace and safety and light and love. NC is your key to all of that, I swear!!!


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
ChoosingHope
Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, September 13th (Friday)

Oh, and I really wouldn't get your friend involved in this any more. It's her job and she needs to stay neutral and professional!

Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, September 13th (Friday)

If I may point this out, I think that you''re missing the golden nugget in the pile of shite that has piled up.

All of your friends called you, made a book to tell you how much you were loved, and did their best to support you, distract you, and comfort you on a painful day. You were loved, upheld, and supported.

Who gives a flying rat''s patookie what''s going on where he lives? You know that he''s screwing around and lying like a sad 60''s shag rug. You know that he''s not worth spitting on. So why give him any more head space and deep -six his pathetic ass?

Get out of the drama. Send the drama lama back to it''s cage. Focus on YOU and get the heck out of this marriage. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, September 13th (Friday)

Honestly, I felt overwhelmed by my friends. I told my IC that I felt a little like I was attending my own funeral. When anyone said something loving or supportive, I couldn't help but think about what the day was and that the one person who should have been saying those things to me wasn't there.

The book is still in my car. I haven't even read it.

I feel so ungrateful.

I've called them all and thanked them, nonetheless. Cards will follow.

I asked my family to call the L this morning while I was at IC... so I'm doing what I have to. I continue to move forward.

As more and more time goes on and this crazy crap happens-- I agree that I don't feel right about it and I need to distance myself. I am.

At the same time, the more time passes the more and more I just feel sad. Sad. And I don't understand. And I that's it. There's an acceptance in just saying "I don't get it and I loved him and this is a waste and I'm so sad with out him." When that comes up for me, I'm just trying to hold on until it passes.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

Tell your friend (OW current or past for sure!) that you appreciate her support but you have more than enough IRL and you are well on your way to healing so don't wish to discuss it further with anyone.

And maybe that you hope OW doesn't get the genital herpes STBXWH caught off those hookers in Vegas.....

OK that last bit probably isn't helpful. Funny as hell though.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

He said that the way I've maintained NC, gone faithfully to IC, tried to rebuild my life by taking all of the correct steps in systematic order, etc etc was admirable and impressive but "not sustainable."

Why isn't it sustainable?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8081 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 3:28 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

^^ Because we're human. Nobody gets it 100% right from the get-go. Falling is an important part of learning to walk, then run, KWIM?


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

Exactly. He thinks that I get preoccupied with "fixing" things and wanting/needing a tidy and healing ending. I'm also a bit of a perfectionist, so he thinks it's important that I can do something that is technically a strategic misstep and not beat myself up over it.

And my message was pretty neutral, all things considered. It's not like I called raging or sobbing.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 8:05 AM, September 14th (Saturday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

Oh, yea, ok. That makes sense.... Your IC seems pretty sharp. What a gift that is.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8081 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

If it wasn't OW1 or OW2, 3, 4, 5, 6 etc. I will eat my shoe.
I'll agree with you on this one, and join you by eating my hat!

She is definitely either an OW, or an almost OW that got jilted by him.

Most people would not call a BS like this, if they didn't know him. Some might, I could be wrong, but I would think most would not. There was a male coworker of mine who was openly having an affair. His SAHM BS had no idea. I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to tell her, but I didn't have the nerve, so I had someone from SI call his wife and tell her. I could never imagine calling and chit-chatting. My instincts tell me she has to be an OW.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3406 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

Fwiw PL, the way I stay NC isn''''t strength of will, detachment, disinterest or even perfection (why hello there fellow sufferer!), it is purely the recognition that if I contact him and am nice, he''''ll think "why see there, I''''m not such a bad guy after all" or if I contact him and am mean, then he''''ll say "why see there, cayc is a bitch so I deserved happiness and she deserved what I did to her, so I''''m not such a bad guy after all". This is the only thing in my power to do, to not give him the platform to think what he did was ok. By not contacting him ever, by never responding to his Attempts to contact me, he is left with the most cutting thing someone can do to someone else, ignoring them.

If you try and contact him, it gives him the power to ignore you, and trust me, he knows this. Don''t give him that power.

[This message edited by cayc at 10:33 AM, September 14th, 2013 (Saturday)]


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3122 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

I'm working really hard to get to a place of indifference because I think if I can genuinely get there, I have a better chance of moving forward without concern for his choices and outcomes... but also, naturally, it gives me a better chance at moving on myself.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

Unfortunately I don't believe you can force indifference. I think it is achieved by a combination time, acceptance and working on yourself.

Be gentle with yourself through the downswings and keep putting one foot in front of the other. You will get there.

((PL))


Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou


Posts: 752 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

Okay, maybe this needs it's own post-- but I've decided to write this coworker/OW(?) an email. I give her the benefit of the doubt that she is who she says she is in it... but I do warn her. Let me know what you think:

Dear “[COW]”,

Before I say anything else, I just want to reiterate that I am so touched and grateful for your message and phone call on Thursday. You sound like such a lovely person and it makes me terribly sad that we never got to work together and/or meet.

That said, after speaking with you, I realized that talking about with happened with [WS] with someone “new” who is actually out there and interacting with him causes me to relive the pain that his actions caused. I’m sure you can only imagine how traumatizing this whole experience has been and I’ve been working really hard to move past everything. I think for my own emotional well-being, I need to be very careful about allowing myself to be drawn back into his world. He is simply no longer someone who is good for me.

You did, however, confirm my suspicions about what continues to go on out there—including the creation of a revisionist history that I believe is largely his attempt at self-preservation (for the record, it’s a narrative that is not working with anyone outside of [X] who knows what really happened). In some sense, that has given me some relief. It is clear he is no longer my problem; he has found a way to live with his actions and has found someone in this other woman to fill the role of his caretaker. For that, I am very grateful to you.

It sounded to me as if you feel invested in him and his well-being. In many ways he is a very charming, sweet and fundamentally good person. In many ways, as I’ve discovered the hard way, he is a conflicted and avoidant person with a history of ultimately hurting those who care about him the most. Again, I’m not even the first person he has done this to (a red flag I shouldn’t have ignored). My advice to you is please trust your instincts about him. Your instincts are good. For my part, I knew very early on something was off about him, but I continued to give him the benefit of the doubt… for years. Once I had built a life around him and his promises, it was too late. I began catching him in lies about other women last summer, but accepted his excuses and continued to trust him. It basically took catching him red-handed for him to finally come clean about his double life. And the charitable thing to say about how he has handled things since I found out is that he hasn’t treated me (or my family and our friends) with very much respect. My suspicion is that someone like [X] might be able to confirm this overall impression of him.

It is difficult for me to say these things to you. Frankly, I remain pretty conflicted about telling/confirming the truth of the situation (my resignation letters for [X] were quite a feat—my [X] actually helped me write them so I could capture that [WS]’s actions had forced my hand and left me no choice, without actually coming out and saying that he was cheating!). But I don’t have the energy to obscure the truth anymore and he has given me no reason to have an interest in helping him preserve the façade he has constructed. So if someone asks, I’m simply honest. I don’t know what else to do and the burdens he has left me with are heavy enough without adding on the need to continue to play his game.

And I would be remiss if I didn’t say that my heart isn’t the only one he has broken—it kills me to watch my parents cry, to watch my friends cry, to hold my goddaughter while she asks me why she’s never going to see her Uncle [X] again. Those are the only moments when I think I can understand why he has abandoned us all. If given the choice to walk away and start over, or have to face the damage you have caused, starting over seems so much cleaner, easier. It’s must be so much easier not to have to face yourself. I don’t get that luxury.

Thank you again for reaching out and for your offer of friendship. As you may know, I am friends with [X] and so perhaps there will come a time when our paths will cross and I will be in a better place to open myself up to you.

Take care,

-- [BS]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

Don't send this, you don't know who she is or what her angle is.

It gives too many details, put it in your journal and keep it to yourself.

If you feel the need to communicate keep it short and factual.

"Thank you for your concern and contact. Given the situation I do not feel it appropriate to continue the conversation. Kind regards PL"

or something along those lines.


Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou


Posts: 752 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

and fundamentally good person.

Also be careful of this thinking. He is NOT a fundamentally good person. He lies, abuses and runs away from conflict. Keeping yourself in this mind frame may slow your healing. Look at what he has done, look at his actions and be honest with yourself. If you did what he has done would you think you were a good person?


Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou


Posts: 752 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

You're right. And I struggle with that.

It's going to be edited out of the email. :)

Now onto editing it out of my mind!


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

Oh Dear Lord...!

PLEASE DO NOT SEND THAT MESSAGE!!!!!!!!!!!

None of it. Don't send anything. You will rue the day you send a message like this. I urge you, I'm jumping up & down exhorting you, do not send this or any other message.

You are not this woman's mommy, auntie, sister or BFF. You owe her nothing. She is a grown-ass adult. She can live her own life. Stop trying to protect her. Furthermore, this is exactly the kind of letter that would end up on your STBX's lawyer's desk. You do not want that.

Girlfriend, please. Turn your attention on yourself. Work on yourself. Let other people live their lives, go through their own hardships, make their own way.

Gently, you need to mind your own business.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9824 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

THAT is why I posted it here first!

So you would just not respond to her at all...?


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

Would I respond to her at all, in any way, shape or form?

Do I think YOU should respond to this woman in any way, shape or form???


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9824 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

ROTFL!


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

I agree NG, no response is best. I figured that the door had been opened slightly already and at least telling her to politely f off might stop further contact on her part.


Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou


Posts: 752 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

Examine whether you are trying to get a message to him.

This is a dip in the rollercoaster friend. Hold on tight and brace yourself until it passes. It will pass.

Keep posting - pour it all out here and in your journal. Get it out.

I know you feel weird just poofing on her so I suggest you send her a 2 line text. Something like:

"Thank you for your support. I've decided it is not in my best interests to keep re-living this so I would like to move on. I have tonnes of support IRL and I would like to focus on my support network around me. I trust you will respect my boundaries here." Then crickets to anything else she sends.

Its not rude, its protective.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

OMG NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DO NOT SEND THIS!

First, it''s not NC with your stbx, bc what you say will be communicated to him.

Second, why are you so insistent on thinking there is something of value in your stbx? He''s a complete dirtbag.

Third, why are you insisting on being nice to people who are shitty to you or trying to manipulate you? THIS WOMAN IS AN OW OR A SOON TO BE OW OR A PAST OW. Fuck her.

Really, you need to learn how protect yourself bc right now you''re still making it easy for people to hoodwink you. Stop setting yourself up.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3122 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
ChoosingHope
Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do not send that email!!!!!!!

Write it and write many more - but then tear them up before sending them. No good will come of sending that email.

Can you call up a friend instead? Watch a movie? Go for a run? Anything to keep your mind off of this for the rest of the weekend?


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
ChoosingHope
Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

I just wanted to reiterate what Nature Girl said - this could end up on your STBX's lawyer's desk. Or in front of a judge! Also, he could sue you for writing to one of his work colleagues!!! He could lose his job now or down the road and blame you for it and come after you in court.

Please do not write ANYTHING to her, even a two-line email that could prove later that you were talking about him to his colleagues.

It's not worth it in any way. Besides, this woman sounds like she has mental problems of her own. Your separation and divorce is NONE OF HER BUSINESS.


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

I'm not going to do it. And thank you, SI family!

You know, one of my biggest problems is that I always think the best of people and desire for things to be tidy and nice and because I'm always looking to be the best person I can, I assume others are doing the same. In other words, I tend to be gullible.

One of the A#1 issues in IC since DDay has been that my gut told me he was weird when I met him, that his story about the fiancée didn't add up, that something was wrong last summer and I should leave, that something was off before I moved out there. I rationalized and ignored it every time.

My gut is telling me there is something WEIRD going on here. Then I rationalize and think "oh, maybe this woman is just really nice and I should warn her." But my gut!

So I want to treat this as an exercise in what happens when I actually listen to my instincts. My instincts say don't respond any more than I already have. And I want to see what the outcome of that is.

Thanks again for being there for me, guys.

And, if she called me because she's evil and anticipated that I would be vulnerable that evening, that is truly evil. God. Who does that?


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
blindsided03
Member
Member # 40302
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

hey, look at the bright side. she might be another OW, but you just made shit really complicated for him if that's the case. this could be funny because SHE will trash talk him to everyone at work and you didn't have to lift a finger! He made himself look bad and she's a woman scorned....LOL!!!!


BW
M6m
Dday(2)8/13
D12/13...he's a sociopath.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

I'll be honest-- for the first 24 hours my concern was (1) that she spare herself heartache and (2) guilt for having a moment of weakness and letting the truth out...

But my WS has so escaped any consequences. He destroyed my life in so many ways (lost job, lost future, broken heart) and moved on without even looking back. If he has to face even a small dose of reality because of this, I think I would get some satisfaction out of that.

I feel bad for feeling that way-- but he's never faced a consequence for his bad actions in his life. He met me right after leaving his fiancée... and I was young and stupid and didn't see it as a red flag. He never does his work but is so smart he pulls it off at the last min and never gets in trouble. And with this, because I walked away and NCed, he never had to face me. He hides OW, keeps my photos up on FB and tells a lie about our "compatibility" to his (and my would-be) coworkers and boss.

I never really knew what happened with his ex-fiancée... but I've been tempted to ask her. I wouldn't be surprised to find out he cheated on her. But because they were young and he moved to a new state to start grad school, he didn't have to carry any of that baggage with him.

We may be in different states now, but we're in the same field and, obviously, the stakes of leaving me are a little bit higher. And I haven't held back on letting colleagues know what he did, when approached about it.

I suppose this maybe-OW could keep this info about his A to herself.... but, I dunno. I think that might be doubtful. Do you?

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 8:57 PM, September 15th (Sunday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

I hope it was an OW and not just some busy-body, gossiping co-worker. And not just any OW..the kind of OW that handles rejection in a way that lands on the evening news! The kind of insane stuff that leaves watchers/readers with their mouth hanging open and thanking God that they (hopefully) don't know anyone so crazy. Some viral video worthy crazy!

I'm so glad you posted here instead of sending that email. You don't deserve that kind of dysfunction in your life. Whoever that woman was, she is definitely a bold person with a lot invested in a "co-worker".


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

Totally! Fingers crossed she's a Bunny-boiler!

That would be awesome.

My fantasy is that she gathers up all of the women who already hate him and they go to their boss and complain that he has used this new job as a personal dating service. They won't be able to fire him for that, but I hope it makes his life uncomfortable insofar as he's forced to face the truth about himself in some small measure.

And I'm just glad that at least one person over there can stick a mental "A" on OW's chest. I haven't felt much animosity against her, all things considered (I fully blame my WS), but if she gets a little embarrassed by this, I don't think that would be the worst thing.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I've talked to some friends/colleagues and they think I should at least say something to her in case I have to interact with her in the future (we're in the same field more or less) and in case she was just being genuine.

What about this:

Dear X,

Before I say anything else, I want to reiterate that I am so touched and grateful for your message and phone call on Thursday. You sound like such a lovely person and it makes me terribly sad that we never got to work together and/or meet.

That said, after speaking with you, I realized that talking about with happened with [WS] with someone “new” who is actually out there and interacting with him causes me to relive the pain of everything that has happened. I’m sure you can only imagine how traumatizing this whole experience has been and I’ve been working really hard to move past everything. I think for my own emotional well-being, I need to be very careful about allowing myself to be drawn back into the situation in any way.

Again, you seem like a very caring and sweet person and it is certainly not in my nature to turn away a friend. I wanted to think carefully about this, which is why I waited to respond to you.

Perhaps at some point in the future we can be friends. You may know that I am friends with X and I remain tangentially involved in X, so it is possible our paths will cross again.

Best,


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Nope. Nope nope nope. Don't do it. Your friends are not in your position, your friends have not been through the legal system like the rest of us have.

If you have to interact with her in the future then address this with her then. THEN. For now let it go.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9824 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ChoosingHope
Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

What does your attorney say about this?

No attorney would allow you to write that letter.


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Bloody hell PL. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo do not send that. It reads like a kick me sign.

In so far as being in the same field, deal with it by kicking ass and doing well. That''s what I''m doing. So you know what happened to me today? Got a call from a colleague telling me my xWH wanted to participate in a training event we''re having (we work for the same agency). And my colleague doubled checked with me it was who he said he was, and he and our security team rallied round and denied the request purely on the grounds of protecting me. I''m liked and valued so fuck my ex, that''s how they see it. And that''s how people in your field will see it too, you mighty scholar with publications and grants and speaking engagements that you got ALL ON YOUR OWN without your POS stbxwh.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3122 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

It reads like a kick me sign.

Okay... this gave me a good laugh.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
sammie
Member
Member # 7785
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, September 20th (Friday)

No, NO and FUCK NO! Pleeeease do not send.

As an HR professional AND as a long-term SI member, NOOOOOOO!!!!

That letter could end up in either a divorce court OR an employment court, and either would be HORRIBLY detrimental to you!

Hugs though.


If someone loves you, it should feel like they love you.
Never give more of yourself than you are getting back.

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." ~Ernest Hemingway


Posts: 5818 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Australia
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, September 20th (Friday)

I didn't send it. I kept ignoring and her calls finally stopped.

And I realized that I can block her number the same way I've blocked WS.

One of my friends suggested that if any more of his OW/"friends" calls me, I should call his boss and complain.

Any thoughts on that?

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 6:33 AM, September 20th (Friday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, September 20th (Friday)

This is a rise above it / take the high road kind of situation. As in do nothing, say nothing, don''t let them see you react. You will come off to all witnesses as sane, level headed & smelling like roses. They will look like the gutter trash they are.

Deal with this by soaring now that you don''t have the deadweight of a con artist dragging you down & holding you back.

Don''t let my sharp words to you make you think you shouldn''t have feelings about all this shit. It''s excellent to bring it here to SI to get it out so you can comport yourself impeccably IRL. I''m just trying to give you that virtual shake by the shoulders so you develop that steel backbone that helps you weather shit like this.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3122 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, September 20th (Friday)

I'm really hoping that was it.

I was supposed to work in his office, as I've mentioned. I was supposed to be this woman's boss. WS/STBX became her boss when I didn't show up because of DDay.

So she knew who I was, etc.

Seeing as we're going on 6 mos of NC with WS/STBX, I should start to become a thing of the past.

If it turns out this is another OW, the primary OW (the one he cheated on me with) has the problem. Not me.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, September 20th (Friday)

One of my friends suggested that if any more of his OW/"friends" calls me, I should call his boss and complain.

Any thoughts on that?

First, how did she get your number? Is it easily found thru public sources? If not, assume she got it from him.

How many OW "friends' seeking information is too much contact? For me it would be one to learn my lesson of getting back on the NC wagon,

Her calling would cause me all sorts of pain - wondering what he's up to, who he's with, how moved on was he? And many more questions that would put him back into the front of my brain. Which is NOT where he should be!

But I wouldn't bother complaining unless it became obsessive and took me away from doing my job. THEN I would either complain to his company regarding disruption of your work time. Till it becomes a problem just keep blocking.

Hugs,
K.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5264 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
confused girl
Member
Member # 10649
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, September 20th (Friday)

PL,

I know you talk to your friends and co-workers and get their opinions. The problem is: they haven't been down this road and don't know how hard it is to heal.

Gentle 2x4.....

There isn't any reason to call the boss and complain. Doing things like that make you seem like the one with the problem. Just ignore. And then ignore some more.

Yes, it is hard but in the end, by not poking the bear, you will be able to move on quicker. Think about how much time this girl has taken up in your mind. She doesn't deserve to even be in your mind. Don't do anything, don't send her emails, don;t talk if she calls again. Just don't. Continue moving on with your life.


Love always hopes.

Posts: 1382 | Registered: May 2006
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, September 20th (Friday)

I agree.

It really caused me a lot of pain for several days and I don't want to go back in that space. It really showed me that I want no part of his drama and I'm so glad I left and NCed.

The fact that she called on our anniversary to basically tell me that he took vacation time with OW to go off on a trip somewhere was even more painful.

We had booked a vows ceremony for that weekend that was supposed to be like our "wedding" (we had eloped) and an opportunity for friends/family to come visit us in our new home. We had been waiting to do it until one of us had a job so we could pay for it ourselves and really do it up the way we wanted to.

So he basically took off with OW on our "wedding" weekend. That was tough. For all I know, they stayed at the resort we booked for the ceremony (which, of course, was non-refundable... bye bye 6k).

(And I now have TWO wedding dresses in my closet I don't know what to do with. Ebay, I guess.)

And found out that he stopped payment on all of our insurance and equity that week as well. Didn't talk to me about it. Just cut it.

*sigh*

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 7:13 AM, September 20th (Friday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Threnody
Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, September 20th (Friday)

On the topic of being a PollyAnna and muzzling the small voice that comes from your gut:

I'm that. I've done that. I do that. I probably will always do that. But I'm getting better and I'm learning to trust that voice.

One thing that helped was IC. I've had a book recommended to me which I haven't read more than pieces of, but it seems to explain this process to us happy-headed morons: The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. I know others here have read it because they, too, suffer from the affliction.

Strangely, everyone I know who has read/needed the book has been female. Muting that voice may be a sociological issue, but whatever its source it makes us vulnerable and leads us into pretty bad situations at times.

As a PSA, using the "Shop now!" link in the left sidebar to order the book gives a few coins to SI.


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14040 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
missmydogs
Member
Member # 36559
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, September 20th (Friday)

Love Gavin de Becker. Protecting the gift was fantastic as well.

PL- Why don't you change your number? Fresh start. Who calls someone they don't know on their anniversary? Why is she so invested? I would bet she's an aspiring ow if not an outright ow. In any case she's nuts. Treat her like the toxic waste she is. Best wishes.


Me 36
DS 16
DD 4

Divorced!

I've made a huge mistake - GOB


Posts: 71 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: missmydogs
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, September 20th (Friday)

I'd rather block her than let something crazy WS is doing affect me even further. I've had that phone number since high school and I don't feel like having to tell all of my contacts I've made a change. Heck with her.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
ChoosingHope
Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, September 21st (Saturday)

I'd rather block her than let something crazy WS is doing affect me even further. I've had that phone number since high school and I don't feel like having to tell all of my contacts I've made a change. Heck with her.

Good for you, PhantomLimb.

Block her, and if she contact you again somehow, tell her that she is harassing you and that you will go to HR and the police.

And keep taking good care of yourself.


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
Rainbows
Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 2:27 AM, September 21st (Saturday)

You don't owe anyone anything. This woman injected herself into your life out of the blue.

Do not email her. Do not respond to her at all. You have no idea what here true intentions are and if she's truly a decent person and you run into her again, she will understand why you NC'd her now. For all you know she's an OW upset he went away with the other OW.

I was like you, very idealistic and believed the best in people. The reality is some people are just sociopaths and we will never understand them. In your case, this isn't normal human behavior, so protect and take care of yourself.

In reading this thread, there's a part of me that's wondering if maybe you want to respond as a way of getting your thoughts back to your WH. Since there's already a part of you that suspects she's an OW, it's perfectly reasonable to think anything you tell her will make it back to him. I could be wrong, though.

After I moved out, a mutual friend went to pick up some of my things from our house. I was tempted to say certain things to him that I knew would get back to my WH. My STBX is insane, so ultimately I decided not to say anything that could trigger him.

You're so blessed to have so much love and support in your life.

[This message edited by Rainbows at 2:31 AM, September 21st (Saturday)]


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 411 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
Topic Posts: 80