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Wayward Side
User Topic: Deal breaker
kroma
Member
Member # 39964
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, September 13th (Friday)

I guess I should've taken everyone's advice about accepting what appears to be a deal breaker. 12 days ago I moved out respecting my wife's wishes about needing space. Since then I have done really well considering the mess I was last year. I was adapting to being alone and just being a dad. It felt good. But by the same token I had faith that someday after my wife was able to "figure herself out" that we could possibly start over.
Yesterday 2 hours before a scheduled MC session she hands me a letter stating the marriage is over. She can't get past the A and wanted me to respect her wishes and just be a good dad. She wants me to sign separation papers.
Heartbroken......
I'm at a loss. I honestly thought we had a chance given our history and our lives that we've shared. I was a fool and blinded by a love that isn't there. These are now my consequences and I must learn to live with them. I love my kids and will always be a great dad. I know my job is to keep taking care of myself. I will do the best I can. Truth is I'm still in love with my wife. And I'm finding myself not handling this latest bomb very well. I'm lost and afraid of going backwards to where I was a year ago. Depressed, isolated, and scared.


Me WS 44
Her 42
Kids x2 G-13, B-11
Married 16 years
D-Day 09-30-12
R for 10 months
Separated 09-01-13

I will never give up on my wife. Never. I will love her forever....

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: new york
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 3:05 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

I am sorry to hear this and I am sorry for your pain. I know this is not what you wanted.

Try not to let the fear overwhelm you at this point, you still have you to work on, your kids to keep you busy. Do you have a healthy hobby yet? Keeping yourself busy while you work on healing and getting healthy is going to be key.

The people down in D/S are really good on how to do this as well.

This doesn't have to set you back. I am sorry this has not gone the way you wanted.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5079 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
kroma
Member
Member # 39964
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

I know what I have to do to get through this process. It's going to be so damn hard not to focus on her and her life without me.
Yesterday afternoon I wrote her a letter basically saying that although I'm not fighting how she feels to just know that I'm truly remorseful and I still love her. It wasn't a letter begging to take me back. No pressures. Just a letter from the heart. I left it for her to read last night. She had gone out with her girlfriends and as I was going to bed I texted her goodnight and "I love you" like I always do but I added that I wondered what she thought of the letter and that I'm sure she'll never tell me. I knew she was home when I wrote this too. Almost at the exact same timeframe she posted a pic of her and her friends having this great time on FB. She knows I have her on FB and that I'd see it. My heart sank and for the 1st time since my crisis a year ago I needed Ativan. I feel this was on purpose or that she really doesn't care what I feel. Some may think I deserve this. Maybe so. I don't. What I did was wrong and hurtful. But I hurt too.
We never hurt eachother in 20+ years. Now there's nothing but hurt.
What also bothers me is she kept saying I need my space. I just want to be left alone to think. No mom, no dad, no friends coming over just want to be by myself. It's been 2 weeks and she hasn't spent 1 night alone.
I never wanted to leave the house because I knew if I did it would be a death wish. I was right.


Me WS 44
Her 42
Kids x2 G-13, B-11
Married 16 years
D-Day 09-30-12
R for 10 months
Separated 09-01-13

I will never give up on my wife. Never. I will love her forever....

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: new york
noglamour
Member
Member # 40380
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

I'm in a similar situation and it can hurt to think about not being with your wife. Just because she wants you to sign papers doesn't mean it is over.
I read another profile on this site and the coupled had a D a couple years ago and they are in R now.

After reading that in her profile(heartbroken0903), that has given me hope.

Try and keep busy. I joined a gym and work out almost every day and I have been playing sand vball 1 to 2 times a week.


Me: WS 38
Her: BS 37
6 year old
Married 9 years, together 11
DDay: 7/29/13

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2013
kroma
Member
Member # 39964
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

I had a session with my psych yesterday and he said the same thing. It may not be over is what he said. I know my wife though. She's a very strong minded person with a memory and conviction like an elephant. Do I think she loves me and cares about me still? Yes. Will she miss me at some point? Yes. But I think she's able to separate the memories from the future. She is sad bc she wishes this never happened but it's nothing but a memory for her she says.


Me WS 44
Her 42
Kids x2 G-13, B-11
Married 16 years
D-Day 09-30-12
R for 10 months
Separated 09-01-13

I will never give up on my wife. Never. I will love her forever....

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: new york
noglamour
Member
Member # 40380
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

I stopped texting and telling my wife "i love you" and "i miss you". I felt like this would not help and make her feel uncomfortable.
About a month ago, my wife changed her FB profile picture. It would always have a picture of her and our son. This one was just of her and she was outside in her bikini with sunglasses on. You can't see her boobs, but you can see the straps. I was like WTF. She said she had did that out of anger.

Continue to give her space and work on you.

My wife wanted me to leave the house too. She took my keys, garage door opener. Put all my clothes in the guest bedroom. 2 weeks ago she was yelling at my telling me how much she hated me.

Last night I was at the house changing the air filters, washing off the deck, fixing the toilet. While I was there we talking and it felt great.



Me: WS 38
Her: BS 37
6 year old
Married 9 years, together 11
DDay: 7/29/13

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2013
kroma
Member
Member # 39964
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

The one thing we have going for us is I truly believe that she and I were destined to be together forever. This may be naive of me. And most of you out there may think I'm a sap or being stupid and living in a fantasy world. But I know my wife better than anyone. I know who she is, why she is. I know that as angry as she is and as cold as she's been there's still a place in her heart for me. We always said we had this special relationship which is why this whole mess is so crazy. How could I have done what I did to us?
I believe in 2nd chances. I believe in love. I believe in faith. I believe in hope. I just have to hold onto that and ride this out as long as I can. Because that's all I know.......


Me WS 44
Her 42
Kids x2 G-13, B-11
Married 16 years
D-Day 09-30-12
R for 10 months
Separated 09-01-13

I will never give up on my wife. Never. I will love her forever....

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: new york
noglamour
Member
Member # 40380
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

Same with my wife. She grew up very differently than me. I know she can "block" things out of her mind. Including me.
If we did not have our son, she would have packed her stuff and moved out of our state already.

You have been married 16 years, thats a long time! Of course she still loves you and will miss you.
Focus on fixing yourself and showing her that she can trust you.


Me: WS 38
Her: BS 37
6 year old
Married 9 years, together 11
DDay: 7/29/13

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2013
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

I believe in 2nd chances. I believe in love. I believe in faith. I believe in hope. I just have to hold onto that and ride this out as long as I can. Because that's all I know.......

I'm not sure what this even means besides kind of a hallmarky version of vague.

Believe in yourself. Know you'll be ok if you do the work and dig into your issues either with her or without.

The situation you posted about, her posting a picture knowing you'll see it. People are so transparent yet their actions can be so misread. If she truly didn't care she would never have done that. That's not indifference or anything close to it.

Then again I think FB is a Christmas letter on steroids. The one with updates like son at Harvard daughter at Yale, promotions and award for charity work

I sent a pic of my golden retriever who never understood the whole neuter concept having relations with a huge throw pillow "glad your endings are happy". Guess overachievement doesn't come with a sense of humor.

Head down, focus on your process, being there for kids if you have them. You've stated how you feel about her. Don't keep sending the I love you. It can very much seem like emotional manipulation. Mentally detach with love and let her go. If she sees the change and you are in a better place there may be a future for you together. If not you will be healthy, safe, and ready for a healthy safe partner. Success!

[This message edited by uncertainone at 5:09 PM, September 14th (Saturday)]


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
kroma
Member
Member # 39964
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

I do believe in myself. I know my only choice is to move forward and make the best of what is thrown at me. It's great advice. Hard part is handling this day to day. To say to let her go isn't an easy task. She has always been my best friend. We did everything. I guess you could say I put all my eggs in one basket and now that she's gone I don't know what to do half the time. It's like I have to start over completely. Easier said then done. But that's the path I have then that's what I will do.....


Me WS 44
Her 42
Kids x2 G-13, B-11
Married 16 years
D-Day 09-30-12
R for 10 months
Separated 09-01-13

I will never give up on my wife. Never. I will love her forever....

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: new york
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

kroma,

I know what you are going through, and I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

Like UO said, stop sending the good night text, stop the i love you text every night.

Mentally detach with love and let her go.

^^ THis is really hard, I have spent a year working on this in IC, in CoDA, and it's finally sinking in. I am still not 100% there, but each day I get closer.

Find yourself now in all of this. Be the best dad you can be, and respect her boundaries. A certain amount of NC will help at the beginning while both of you get through the pain of this. Find a hobby. Find the support of your friends.

Almost at the exact same timeframe she posted a pic of her and her friends having this great time on FB.

^^ This...I had something similar to this happen too. Truth is, maybe she was having a great time, maybe she wasn't, but doesn't she deserve a night out with her friends? Look at why this was so upsetting to you. Really figure that out.

Now is the time for the hard work. You do it now because you want to, If you try to do it because you think she will change her mind, you are setting yourself up for failure.

I am not saying it's going to be easy. Hell, in every conversation I have with my BW to this day I am still looking for the little hints of R, or a little sign that this is just a test, and if I just do x, y, or z a certain way, we will get back together.

I hope you two make it. Good luck.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

Continuing your healing and working on yourself for YOU is the most important thing you can do right now. Love and relationships come and go, but you have to live with yourself forever.

I know that's easier said than done. I was destroyed when my XH divorced me, and I wasn't with him for nearly the length of time as many of y'all have been with your spouses---AND we don't have kids. I can only imagine how you must be feeling.

The only way past it is through it, and you will never regret it if you do the work needed whether you reconcile or divorce.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried.


Posts: 2232 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

Continuing your healing and working on yourself for YOU is the most important thing you can do right now.

Quoting for truth.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37421 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Topic Posts: 13