User Topic: What do you grieve/mourn/miss?
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

So I was reading on here how one of the SI folks did an exercise that listed of all the things that she felt she lost or mourned with the betrayal.

I started a list which came fast and furious. This is only 5 minutes worth of thought, so I am sure it isn't complete. I want to ask all of you....what do you grieve or mourn?

Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 491 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

Here is mine:

Things that I grieve:
-You not being “my be all and end all”
-You not having my back
-My marriage
-The you that I loved even with your flaws
-Knowing you had flaws, but never thought you would choose to outright deceive me
-Feeling the word “husband” is foreign & choking on it when I say it
-Not being able to look at pictures of us and our family and not see the betrayal
-My trust in you
-Realizing I shouldn’t have trusted you
-Starting a life with you
-Starting a family with you
-Realizing that it is just me. I am the only one that has my back
-I am alone
-Having a love story that sucks
-Can never say “you should marry someone like your dad”
-Can never say “someday I hope you are like your dad”
-When &&&&& says we are her model couple
-When anyone gives you a compliment
-Our lives prior to your betrayal. The innocence of our kids and our marriage.
-Realizing that you don’t have eyes just for me
-Our intimacy has been broken and shared with someone outside our marriage
-Sharing your body so freely with someone else who isn’t your wife
-Never being able to say we have a good life

Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 491 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, September 14th (Saturday)


........her car?

Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 953 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

The most painful one for me and what is taking the longest time to heal:

I thought he was my best friend, my deepest and truest confidant.

It was a lie. I mourn that loss the most. To know he used what I told him as a means to lie more effectively to me - that is what hurts the most in my situation.

Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

Posts: 748 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

Him. My husband. I miss him.

On dday, I remembering crying, "Bring him killed killed my husband would never do this to me..bring him back."

It is one of the only things I remember saying that day. I was already mourning the loss of my husband. This man..was a stranger. And he had taken MY husband from me. I loved my husband...I adored that man..and this man had killed him.

I still miss that man. But I am learning to love the new one. These days,he makes it easy.

But I will always miss him.

FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7671 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Member # 38660
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

I truly miss peace...peace in my mind...peace in my heart.

"Never, never, never give up." - Winston Churchill

Posts: 138 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

I miss having our family together as we enter retirement. That's all gone.

I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.

Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
Member # 40564
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

Oh HurtsButIm, the same for me as for you, to the word. And, I just miss him, before all of this.

Posts: 117 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 7849
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

Mine is silly...

I miss the days we would call each other and he'd answer the phone and say "Hello Debbie!" ~ not my name. Or he'd call and say he was coming home and I'd say, "Okay, I'll send my boyfriend home".

I see other couples make the little jokes, like "I need to get him a girlfriend", etc...

I miss the ability to do that and it be funny to us.

[This message edited by 921Lisa at 4:22 PM, September 14th (Saturday)]

Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. (Mr Sim York Soo)


Posts: 881 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

Dam your list was sooooo accurate . I can't say too much more except that smile in the morning waking up next to the woman who was my life . Tough read I get f--ked up reading it. Sorry.

"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 676 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

As noprincess said, I miss the peace. My brain will never forget he cheated on me!

DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1460 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

I miss feeling excited about what the future would bring for our family.

I miss us calling each other silly names.

I miss weekend mornings having breakfast as a family.

I miss thinking we were best friends.

I miss trusting him and believing we were going to grow old together.

I miss laughing during sex.

And most of all I miss the person I no longer am. That person no longer exists, her soul was torn apart.

Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, September 15th (Sunday)

After about two and a half years since d-day, the thing I miss is feeling like I was significant enough to my fww that she would not have cheated. I miss feeling like a significant other. I was her insignificant other.

I wish I could be that important to someone.

Posts: 1211 | Registered: Feb 2011
Member # 39409
Default  Posted: 2:03 AM, September 15th (Sunday)

I miss the marriage I thought I had. I miss the husband who I thought was my second half.
I miss the old me probably the most. The old me was such a happy, joyful, prayerful woman. This new me is sad, often depressed and more often than not, cynical and jaded. I see my poor, tired heart and I remember the old me. Yeah, I miss a lot of things.

Me: BS-42
Hubby: FWS-42
OW: former friend of mine
EA from ? to 3-15-12
3 DD, 1 DS
Time heals all wounds-I do not agree.

Posts: 95 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 38973
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, September 15th (Sunday)

I miss loving whole heartedly.
I miss believing he was my friend as well as my husband.
I miss the loss of our pet names for each other.
I miss feeling safe with him.
I miss the man I thought he was.
I grieve giving the majority of the years of my life over to a relationship with a man who can never be satisfied with just me.

[This message edited by StruckNumb at 8:58 AM, September 15th (Sunday)]

f?WH - 49
m27 yrs, T 28, no kids
OW-WH's former CW, friends + 20yr
DDay-11/16/12, LT EA, 4y? PA, manymany
EA with FFriends over the years
Attempting R
Is there an end to blindness in sight?

Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: N.California
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, September 15th (Sunday)

I miss the innocence that I had with trusting him. Thinking he could never be capable of hurting me more than anyone else on this earth.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, September 15th (Sunday)

The trust. No matter what our problems I never thought cheating would be one of them.

Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**

Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 39126
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, September 15th (Sunday)

I miss feeling safe, content and happy, i fear i will never feel truly happy again

I hate how his betrayal has changed me and how i now view everything with suspicion.

I miss the feeling that our family was special to both of us and the love and security within it.

i miss being able to believe and trust my husband.

I miss being able to feel relaxed and having random thoughts and plans about the future. Now it's just hard fight away the constant thoughts of his betrayal

BS me 46
WS him 49
Married almost 25 yrs, together almost 30
2 DD 18 & 13
Dday #1 14/4/13
TT until Dday #2 28/4/13
Living one day at a time

Posts: 56 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, September 15th (Sunday)

I now know how good a liar my husband is. I wish I didn't know that.

For myself, there have been ppl in my life who abandoned me, but I always thought I had my own back. And I proved that I didn't, just added to the list if ppl who betrayed me I miss the feeling of knowing I had never betrayed myself. No matter how healthy I get, I still did that.

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.

Posts: 5242 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 36781
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, September 15th (Sunday)

These posts made me sob. They're all true. I miss being held at night and feeling safe in his arms. I miss being so special to someone. I miss looking into each other's eyes and knowing that we have a special private life together. I miss calling him just to hear his voice. I miss him. I miss us. I miss who I used to be. I miss my life when I didn't have to live with this emotional pain every single second. I miss trusting others. I miss the home we created. I miss the home I used to live in. I miss when I used to wake up and look forward to my day.

I mourn the loss of our marriage. I mourn the loss of the man I married because I don't know who this guy is, and I mourn the loss of me because I am so sad. So lost. So destroyed.

I will never trust anyone with all my heart again.

me: BS
him: WS

D Day: July 27, 2012
Day of first suspicion: 6/7/11
DD#2: November 2, 2012


Posts: 105 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

I miss almost everything everyone has said here. And I miss holding him a lot. After that many years, your body remembers. I miss counting his gray hairs.

And I miss the evidence of him around the house. There are no shaving hairs on my sink in the morning anymore. I hated them when we were together and it made me crazy. Now that they are gone, I'm so sad my sink is clean.

And I miss how innocent I was. I was always just happy and confident. If I saw an article in the paper about some ancient couple celebrating their anniversary in a nursing home or something, I would smile and think "that's us".

And it's not like I needed to be the center of his world or anything like that, but I miss feeling like I was special enough to make a commitment to and to build a life with. We used to be a team. We knew each other so well. We talked and texted all the time. We shared everything. But as soon as DDay happened, he closed the door to me. No more texts. No more calls. I didn't matter. He could say whatever the hell he wanted to me now and my feelings didn't matter. If he made me cry with his "honesty" about OW, he didn't seem to care and gave me the dead eyes. We were Skyping during one of the Dday convos and he was eating a sandwich and hardly even looking at me. I actually had to ask him to put the food down and pay attention.

To go from his wife to a nothing is so hard.

BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

Your responses made me tear up. I am hoping that somehow this exercise will help. I'm not feeling it yet...

Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 491 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

I miss thinking someone had my back, but honestly, it is better knowing that you don't, instead of falsely thinking you had something that really wasn't there.

time wounds all heels

Posts: 5397 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Member # 40505
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

Ooooh what a heart wrenching topic.
Totally agree with 64fleet. We will never be duped again (hopefully).
I miss being duped. I miss the trust.
So sad.

Posts: 63 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

Peace, safety, belief, and the husband I thought was sharing my life.

Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.

Posts: 1526 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

I grieve that after all the shit I have gone thru with him that one sentence he said to me a few months ago was the final arrow into my heart. I am on the path of done, and he will not be told until I am ready.

I mourn the realization that said H really was (is?) a very selfish prick!! That once a decade, as I look back, there has been a disrespect of me, a "it's all your fault S2S", and like a mealy-mouse POS I forgave each, and every, time.

I miss the fact that just when we are close to realizing our younger dreams I could care less! I have NO desire to engage in those dreams.

I grieve the fact that I no longer (after 42 yrs) love my H. And since he is the king of CA he will not ask, and I will not tell.

I mourn the fact that I now feel I have truly wasted my life, and you don't get a redo.

I miss the man I thought I was M'd to.

Me: BS
Him: WH

Posts: 1299 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

I am like 921Lisa....I miss being able to make those funny jokes and know they had no truth to them, they were JUST a joke.

I miss the total trust and blind faith, that I will NEVER give him or any other man again.

I miss knowing I was the only person he shared his heartache, pain and troubles with.

I miss the loss of my own beliefs in the sanctity of marriage.


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 39609
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

Things I miss:

* Feeling protected/loved/special/important to my husband.
* Not having to wonder if my marriage is going to laugh.
* The purity of our relationship (thought we were still onlies)
* Being able to look at pictures of our wedding or prom, etc. and smiling.
* Not constantly comparing myself to APs
* Being happy that my daughter would have such an amazing father.
* Not feeling like I am alone in this world.
* Not feeling disposable.

I mourn:
* The carefree college and high school dating and 'having fun' years that I (happily at the time) gave up to marry him.
* My fantasy of the perfect family (no step/half siblings. I feel like this makes my daughter less special. She has a brother out there...with one of the worst women I have ever met being the mother)
* The marriage I thought I had.
* The husband I thought I had (I thought I had me one of the good ones )
* The other children I dreamed of having with him. (I'm not bringing another child into the world while my marriage is in such a state and who knows if it will truly get better. I literally have to hold back tears when I see newborns)
* The joy and excitment we SHOULD have been choking up with over the pregnancy and birth of our first child.
* All of the energy I spent dealing with his fence sitting and bullshit when I should have been enjoying my pregnancy and newborn.
* The time that I put myself on hold for him. (coming home from deployment? I'll take a term off to help him readjust)

There's so much more. I'm sure all of us could write a book.

Together 6 yrs. M 4 yrs. DD born 3/1/2013.
Me: BS -- Him: 1 EA/PA (6mos), PA (MW), and 6 ONS...Been at it for almost 5 yrs. *Still slave to TT* 1st DDay- 11/24/2012,
.....OC due in August.....

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 4:31 AM, September 16th (Monday)

To be honest not much at all. I just wish I didn't have to deal with all the betrayal to find this out though.

"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1358 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, September 16th (Monday)

I don't miss him at all.

I miss the ME who once was.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8829 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, September 16th (Monday)

I miss the life I loved. I miss my best friend (or so I thought). I miss/mourn everything.

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, September 16th (Monday)

This thread is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry for everyone's pain.

Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 23014
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, September 16th (Monday)

I miss thinking I was special to one person no matter who esle viewed me as less

Posts: 473 | Registered: Feb 2009
Member # 40488
Frustrated  Posted: 7:24 PM, September 16th (Monday)

Wow.. Yes to all of these..
The most is that he's not my Soulmate. I was never a romantic more of a realist. Didn't believe in the fairy tale or love at first sight.. A skeptic..
Until I met Him. I fell in love the moment he walked into the room. I had never felt like that before.. It was electric.. Unworldly. And we hit it off from opposite worlds but he completed me... I was in shock because I for the first time realized what true deep unconditional love was ... And he was my knight in shining armour.. He loved me, protected me and saved me..He was my saviour.. I would do anything for this man and he for me.. Now I think back at it all and realize just how stupid I was... The ultimate skeptic believing in all that shit.. Oh I miss it so.. How naive, innocent and how sweet.. And yes the jokes.. because I knew he would never cross the line..
God I am in tears. Fuck him.. Fuck him for ruining my life.. His life because he knows now that its gone forever!!!

Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, September 16th (Monday)

I miss thinking it was "us against the world". That no matter how bad things were around us, my WS would always be there for me as my safe place to fall.

I don't feel safe anymore.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 17 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 246 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 38150
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)

* I mourn for our young children, that although we are attempting to R, they aren't being brought up in the happy, warm loving environment that I always dreamed and worked so hard for.

* I mourn for my extended family - those that know of the A are heart broken and want to help but don't know how. Those that don't know are aware that something is "off" and are confused by how disconnected we have become.

* I mourn for my WH, seeing him slowly realize the full extent of the damage that he has done is excruciating to watch, he is a broken man working so hard to fix something that may not be fixable.

* I mourn for myself. I am fighting so hard every day to "reclaim" myself, but the truth is, that I don't know that I will ever be back to the same happy, loving person that I was. I feel jaded, unhappy, uncertain and as though my marriage has been a sham.

* I miss looking deep into my husbands eyes, feeling nothing but pure love, admiration, trust and hope.

* I miss making love without mind movies or reminders of all of the things he did with her and said to me about how she was better than me in so many ways.

* I miss looking in a mirror and feeling like I was good enough and happy with myself.

* I miss boasting to friends and family how lucky I was to have the marriage of my dreams.

* I miss the tender touches, little romantic gestures and loving words that used to come from my husband pre-A. He does some of them now, but they often feel forced and I have to remind him.

* More than anything, I miss loving him so completely, devotedly, and faithfully - and feeling as though that was reciprocated by him, always.

Me (37): BW
Him (33): WH (1sorryGDF)
D-Day: 12/19/12
DD: 3yrs old
DS: Almost 2!!
2 yr EA/PA
Working hard towards R with IC's/MC
Slowly... but getting there

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jan 2013
New Member
Member # 40216
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)

The thing I miss the most is security. Security in knowing he was there for ME, no matter what. Security in knowing he was the one person who could / should tell me the truth - no matter what. Security in knowing he would never gamble our financial future for selfish reasons like having an affair with someone who worked for him. Security in knowing I would have a partner to grow old with. He stole all of that from me.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I'm sorry if I shouldn't post. But all of your responses really hit me hard. I'm hoping my wife, Teach8 reads these and responds. I would like for her to share these feelings. And maybe it can be the start of a conversation. Strong topic and one every WS should read.

Posts: 290 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife

Posts: 483 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 40219
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Honestly I miss that we were each others "onlies" and that I didn't experience the sexual exploration with him.
I do mourn the loss of many aspects if our marriage. But honestly, all this mess has opened our eyes that we had some deep issues. We are now working on those.
I hope the new marriage we build will be even better and richer than what we had.

BS (34)
WS MisterP (37)
Together 14 1/2 years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly but surely finding my way.

Posts: 172 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
Member # 40219
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Honestly I miss that we were each others "onlies" and that I didn't experience the sexual exploration with him.
I do mourn the loss of many aspects if our marriage. But honestly, all this mess has opened our eyes that we had some deep issues. We are now working on those.
I hope the new marriage we build will be even better and richer than what we had.

BS (34)
WS MisterP (37)
Together 14 1/2 years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly but surely finding my way.

Posts: 172 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I knew I shouldn't have clicked on this thread. So much pain out there...

I miss everything before the A. I miss my little family.

Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I no longer have the ability to trust people or even give them the benefit of the doubt. No matter how hard I try i'm always wondering how long before they screw me over or show their "true" colors. It's crazy because I am worried that I will sabotage future relationships because I expect all of them to go the same way. Something i'm working on but once the box is opened it can't be closed again.

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1910 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Your list hit just about everything.

I also miss me. He destroyed who I was and I will never be me again.


Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Member # 39707
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

So powerful. I'm having a good night despite having a horrid time last night and into this morning.
This post is sad yet, is necessary I think..?
I'm like most everyone else.
I miss so much!!!
And I miss ME!! :(

Me: BS
Him: doesn't matter anymore...or does it...

Being very, very careful

D-day 14 June 2013

I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!

Posts: 167 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: trying to figure it out
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

My WH was a total jerk right before and during his affair. He would come home (after 10) and rush straight to the computer, never saying hello to me. He would talk at me about his work but never asked me about my work or my day with the kids. He never lifted a finger to do laundry, wash dishes, cook or help kids with homework, even after I went back to work full-time.

After DDay I stopped putting up with all that BS. Now he's acting like a dad and husband

so, while I miss the trust and sentimentality of having an ideal relationship, I know I never had that in the first place.

Instead, he had someone who wouldn't rock the boat to make sure the family stayed together. I don't miss that woman at all. Now he tows the line or he's gone.

All the missing sentimental feelings and burned up memories are second to the life we have now.

Posts: 626 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 38561
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I thought about this one for a while and it hit me hard. Narrowed down yet still broad, I miss security. The security of thinking someone will always be there. The security that you have that one person just for you to grow old with. The security of you own feelings. Just, security.

ME - A new person
HER - A waining memory
DDay - 2/22/2013
2-3 month EA/PA
Together for 6 years, ready to start my life . . .

"I can fill the flask up, but can't get past us
I'm in the storm, staying strong, but can't get back

Posts: 177 | Registered: Feb 2013
New Member
Member # 39637
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, September 20th (Friday)

I miss not being a nutcase. I told the therapist the other day that I can't even take a shower in peace. Why? Because I am wondering what he is doing downstairs - masturbating, quickly talking to a woman, getting on computer, whatever. So when I need relaxing time - I do it quickly.

I miss enjoying my own time. When he would go back to his hometown to "visit with his daughter" or "visit with his friend", I would be happy I could get things done around the house and for myself. I wouldn't even be thinking about him. I would be happy I was being his wife and doing something nice like getting all the laundry done or cooking dinner.

Me: BS, 31
Him: WH/SA, 31
Together 8 years
Married 7 years
DS1, DD2, DSontheway 10/10/13
Official DDAY: October 2012
'09 some things came out, he went to SA, stopped doing it and he went to town! Always been caught and never confessed.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Connecticut
Member # 29358
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

I grieve the loss of myself the most. I no longer recognize the weak shell of a person I have become. I feel almost like a ghost.

Me - BW 40
Him - FWH 39
Her - MOW 47 Fat Assed Toothless Man Faced Whore!!!

DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Michigan
Member # 6490
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)

I am WS (or was, once upon a time long ago). It's been nine years since my A. My xH has long since remarried. I have remained alone; no more relationships for me. I have focused on raising my kids as a single mom as best I could.

I miss being somebody's spouse. Being worth something as a woman, to someone. The sense of being cherished.

I know it was not true in my case. My H did not in fact love me and cheated for most of our marriage. But even though it was all a lie: those years I was married and believed myself loved, they were the best of my life. I mourn them.


Posts: 960 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Europe
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)

I think this tends to change depending on what day it is, where my mind is going.

Consistently though, I mourn the loss of the love that I thought was real.

I mourn the innocence and trust that I had in him.

I mourn that I have never truly been loved.

I mourn for the past that I can never have.

I grieve for the belief that I mattered, that no matter what he loved me and would never "intentionally" hurt me.

I miss my belief in the inherent goodness in people.

I miss the woman that I was, basically happy, calm, optimistic, patient, forgiving, trusting. I will never be the same.

I can only work towards a better future.

"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie


Posts: 1416 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)

I miss knowing that no matter what happened, we were a team. We had exact other.

I miss my childlike faith in him, in us.

I miss being with him on holidays. My family works odd shifts, so I spend a lot of holidays alone.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7761 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)

I miss the H I fell in love with. I thought he was the smartest person I had ever met. I felt safe. I enjoyed all that we did together. I loved our family and all our plans. I respected him fully. Now, I feel he is immature, selfish, makes bad choices, and I feel he decided that being married and having kids is just too hard. Escaping is his best solution. And its really really stupid to want to be 25 when your 55.

a trigger yesterday

Posts: 937 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
Member # 32964
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)

I miss who I was right up to the second before those words came out of his mouth. I remember the person I was before, but I can't find her again and I miss that the most.

"Always go with your gut...the mind will only tell you what you want to hear."!!
WH: 44
DDay: 8/02/09 (just someone from work)
DDay: 10/27/09 Complete confession
WH has done everything right for R (that I know of).

Posts: 130 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: IA
New Member
Member # 38073
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)

I miss the innocence of thinking my WW was my queen. I miss loving her with every morsel of my being. I miss trusting her. i miss being proud of her. i miss being able to agree with others when they showered her with professional praise. I miss believing she had my back and that she was my partner. I miss her friendship. I miss the belief that someone other than my mother was there for me and has my best interest at heart.

Me: BS
Kids: 17 /18
Married 19 years
D-Day: 12/7/2012
Full story: 2/12/2013

Posts: 28 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: NC
Member # 39772
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)

I miss having a best friend who was my best friend since I was 20 years old.

As I have told him, I feel like an alien came and took him away and replaced him with someone I do not even recognize.

I miss the man who had such kindness for people in general and has admitted he feels no empathy anymore.

I miss having such respect for him and now hate him and am disgusted by him.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)

Security/safety. I will never have it again, because I will never trust anyone 100 % again.

together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 20940
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, September 25th (Wednesday) and respect, too...but mostly security.

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."

Posts: 385 | Registered: Sep 2008
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I'm 5 yrs out so my list is not about HIM or what he did...

I miss his family. My parents are gross; I'm still close with some family...but his family was always really nice and welcoming.

I miss his dad a lot and his wife (not XH's mom). I was also really close to a sister of his. We're all 'okay' now, but it's not the same.

His dad was so funny. He doesn't just like or accept anyone - but we hit it off from day one! I mean, just clicked. He used to call me at work just to chat. I hate not having that anymore.

Posts: 14389 | Registered: Jun 2008
Topic Posts: 59