User Topic: WS doesn't believe in Divorce
Member # 40169
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

Then why was it so easy for him to cheat on his wife? I am no saint believe you me but I have been faithful to him since we got together

Posts: 171 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Illinois
Member # 35813
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

He is a hypocrite. Obviously he doesn't believe in marriage either, or he would not have broken his vows. Maybe this is just a mind game he is playing with you in the hopes that you won't leave him?

Me: BW 38, Him: WH 37
M: 07/07/07
DDay: 06/09/12
Divorce Granted on December 5, 2012 - fasted divorce ever (thanks to my good lawyer) and I am not looking back with ANY regrets!!

"And this above all else, to thine own self be true"

Posts: 254 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Alberta
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

***WS doesn't believe in Divorce***
Huh. How convenient.....

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8078 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 25376
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

Tell him that unlike the tooth fairy, divorce really does exist.

Posts: 305 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: California Central Coast
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

WS doesn't believe in Divorce
Mmmm. What the hell does he think could happen when he is cheating and lying ? Didn't think you would find out or care? They almost ALL think the same thing. Both lying and cheating will lead to divorce more times than reconciling .Why ? Because a WS can be very delusional and definitely in a deep fog with no remorse only regret of being caught. That is never good reconciling reasons.

Take a look down Wayward forum and read what true remorse is and the hard work they do to fix their problems and marriage. How is your WH comparing in actions ?

[This message edited by gma56 at 2:36 AM, September 15th (Sunday)]

It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20383 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
Member # 40169
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

I don't he can compare this is the fourth Saturday he hasn't came home and someone that is remorseful fully comes home I believe and wants to be there for his wife and his kids I made my choice 17 years ago he is still my choice but I feel I'm not he says he's staying til the day he dies but wouldn't you think he'd put in some effort

Posts: 171 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Illinois
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

He seems to think that YOU don't have a say in this...... If he continues on the path he's on, I have a feeling that he's in for a big old shock -- the one where he realizes that he doesn't control the world and everyone in it.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8078 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 40169
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

I told him 2-3 years ago He would have to leave if he didn't get a job we were living off my income which I was ok with until he started staying out all hours of the night then coming in taking the bank card out of my purse while I was sleeping he only did that twice that's when I told him he had to leave I was at my Gmas house when I got the call saying he knew it I said knew what so I rushed home there was a note saying that he saw my exs name on line and he knew I was cheating which I opened my laptop and there's his name just his name my husband did not open the im so he didnt read the messages nothing if he had he would of known nothing was going on on my part just asking what gifts he wanted on FarmVille and occasionally shut the hell up because he'd bring up the past ( sorry for repeating I know ive put this in other post) my husband means the whole world to me and I'm just a pile of shit under his feet. back then and now it sucks I'm not with him because of the kids and I'm not with him for a roof over my head this is my place my Gma bought it after my gpa passed because my mnl told me if my husband ever went back to jail I wouldn't have a place to go so she wanted to make sure I did have a place

Posts: 171 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Illinois
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

I'd like to couch this with a *gently*, but there's not really a gentle way to say this -- WHY should he put in any effort? He's been using you and getting away with it for so long that he now feels so entitled that he can cheat right under your nose AND pretty much *tell* you that he's going to continue cake-eating because divorce just isn't an option.

He has a criminal background. (you mentioned he'd been to jail)
He seems un-interested in getting a job and quite happy to "stay [in the house your gma provided to you] until he dies."
He takes your bank card w/o your knowledge (technically it's his money too since you're married, but I'm referring to the sneakiness of the action)
And he accuses you of cheating based on......not too much and without any type of conversation.

He can still be *your choice*, but that doesn't mean that the choice that you are making is one that is emotionally healthy for you......

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8078 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 40169
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

Your right I can't change him ive tried I started going to IC but that didn't work that just have him another thing to say i was cheating two yours ago I put my faith in god that didn't work because If it did WS wouldn't of cheated I haven't gone back I've stopped praying I'm lost how can he say he loves me and not prove it I'm sorry I'm venting

Posts: 171 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Illinois
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

You know, he''s telling you how he feels by his actions. Sometimes you have to let go with the outcome that you wish would happen and see the outcome that is being shown to you. And then believe it.

I do assure you (and that turdsmacker) that divorce does exist. Been through one. Unlike Unicorn farts and Rainbow glitter in the sky, divorce is real. Just go talk to a lawyer and they will tell you exactly how to make it happen. I''d say you were overdue for this talk. (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 40169
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

I know that's right :-(

Posts: 171 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Illinois
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

Roll to disbelieve fails. Divorce is real.

"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7477 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

Obviously he doesn't believe in marriage either, or he would not have broken his vows.
Very well said.

Posts: 1211 | Registered: Feb 2011
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, September 15th (Sunday)

how can he say he loves me and not prove it

*His* definition of love and yours are different.

I put my faith in god that didn't work because If it did WS wouldn't of cheated, not really. It isn't God's job to give you what you want. Years ago, I decided to take 'religion' more seriously. I decided to learn it and live it. And I did that. It has turned out to be a really good thing for me, but it did shit-all for my marriage....because my stbx is an abusive, serial-cheating, toxic dude....and that's not MY problem. Disclaimer: I haven't been to church in over a year. During false R we began attending a church that had a pastor and congregation that I really, really liked and felt 'at home' with, but when I found out that stbx was cheating during our 'supposed' R......I couldn't bring myself to return to there.

I started going to IC but that didn't work that just have him another thing to say i was cheating

????? What ?????
SoOver.....this is a super-duper red flag for abuse.
He was worried that your IC was going to work with you enough that you would be able to *see* how fucked-up he is and encourage you to make healthy choices for yourself (ie....leave him because he's not a *good* relationship choice for you emotionally)...and so he threw a tantrum <or whatever> and made you feel *bad* about it and so you stopped going. *Score* for his cheating ass! He gets to keep you in this mind-swirling mind-fuck in perpetuity. Great for him. Really, really, really bad for you. .......did I say *really*?

Take a step back right now. You've probably read about the 180. Your WS seems to *have your number* as far as knowing which buttons to push on you in order to get you to 'fall in line', so expect it to get a bit 'ugly' when you start thinking about YOURself and what YOU need and want for your own life and start taking steps to achieve it.

What does this guy bring to the table, SO? Seriously. Think about it. What is HE doing to for YOUR life?

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8078 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 4:11 AM, September 15th (Sunday)

See if he 'believes in Divorce' when you serve him with Divorce papers.

Please don't live like this any longer. Please see a lawyer asap.

"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

Your H means the world to you. He treats you like shit under his feet.

Analyze that, SO96. The reading I get is that you treat yourself like shit.

IC - IC - IC. Start telling yourself the truth: you're loving, lovable, and capable.

All you need is for you to believe in D - and in yourself.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10352 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 40169
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

I have no idea if he has an account on here because it was the weirdest thing he came home and I was practicing the 180 I didn't say anything to him it was about midnight he goes in the bathroom and he talks loud so I can hear him two rooms away or more if I don't have anything on and he says Ive treated you like shit since day one I didn't respond out loud but all I thought was WOW i could not believe that he said it its like he read this thread but he doesnt go on my ipod but he doesn't remember half the things he says the morning after so I'm debating on telling him what he said because he will deny saying it. I appreciate all your responses I really do he was a wonderful guy when we met all through middle school through the summers through high school even before we got married even through our pregnancy with our daughter he went to the appts then bam jail he was driving on a suspended license when he thought it got taken care of.

Posts: 171 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Illinois
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

It doesn't really matter what he believes. If you choose to divorce him, he can't really stop you.

Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

SoOver, I am going to echo what the others are telling you. I know that you remember a good man long ago, but for whatever reason, he is not that man anymore. He is abusive and controlling. You deserve better, and you know it.

SEE A LAWYER NOW. Even if you ultimately decide not to divorce him, you need to know your rights, and you need to know how to get him out of the house your grandmother bought for you if you do decide to divorce. You need advice on protecting your finances, too. (At a minimum, change your debit card PIN number.)

Do not tell him that you are planning to see a lawyer, though. Just do it.

And good luck, SO. Please keep posting to let us know how you are doing.

Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA

Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

1.) he doesn't remember the morning after? Are we talking chemical addiction?

2.) this in't the place to have religious discussions, but don't blame God, or amyone else but your wayward for your wayward's choices. He has free will and he is exercising it.

------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

WS doesn't believe in Divorce

Unlike Santa and the Easter Bunny, in this case you can actually prove it if you so choose.

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson

Posts: 4145 | Registered: Sep 2005
Member # 40169
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, September 16th (Monday)

He's being super nice I don't think he's messing around because the man pocket sails me more often then I can count but I'm doing the 180 and let me tell you it's hard not to say I love you when you've been saying it to one man for over 17 years when he says it I change the course of the conversation he said I love you 4xs in a row

Posts: 171 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Illinois
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, September 16th (Monday)

WS doesn't believe in Divorce
He may say he doesn't believe in divorce, but if he engaged in infidelity, he made the choice to divorce, even if by proxy.

Why? Because the decision to cheat is the decision to end a marriage. It doesn't always turn out that way (well, it does end the marriage, but sometimes, with hard work, the rubble can be built into a new, stronger one). But adultery is one of the few clear-cut, Biblically-sanctioned reasons for divorce.

He may not believe in walking into a courthouse, himself, to file for divorce. Frankly, by your description, it sounds as though that's less faith-based than because he generally lacks motivation to do anything constructive.

But he most assuredly believed he was entitled to break the vows that made your marriage sacred, didn't he?

So, he chose divorce by proxy--making YOU the "bad guy." That you have chosen not to divorce him is a gift---one I'm not sure should be bestowed.

You mention giving it over to God. I think it's wise to surrender what we can't control. In fact, I have the word "surrender" tattooed inside my wrist to remind me of this---it was a crucial skill for me to master, and a huge challenge.

But healthy surrender does NOT involve giving up the things you CAN control. As the adage goes, "God helps those who help themselves."

At this point, you risk becoming complicit in your own betrayal. One of the hardest aspects of infidelity, for me, was a mighty struggle with anger at myself--that I didn't see. That I believed. That I trusted. That, once I did know, I gave too many chances, and believed, and trusted again.

Find your power. Do whatever you can to improve your life, to bring yourself joy (if only fleeting), with the understanding that the only person whose thoughts, feelings, and actions you can change is YOU.

Start making small changes for the better. It's unbelievable how empowering it is--even seemingly minor things add up, and lend you strength you didn't know you had.

Surrender what you can't control, certainly. But please, please don't mistake that advice for becoming passive and complacent about your OWN actions. You are still responsible for your own healing, your own well-being. As a parent, you are responsible for your children, as well--though of course you cannot control their thoughts, feelings or actions. You CAN protect them, model strong, decisive behavior, show them what love is intended to be.

Allowing this disrespect and mistreatment benefits no one, and harms you.

[This message edited by solus sto at 4:30 PM, September 16th (Monday)]

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8841 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, September 16th (Monday)

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”

― Mark Twain

This is my new mantra.

If you'd like, try a separation first. I was amazed at how much easier my life was once WH moved out. I discovered I didn't need him. I still love my WH very much, but I just cannot be married to him.

On the religion note, I asked God to give me a sign for help in my decision. What happened was that every time I started thinking about Reconciliation, I discovered a further betrayal. I think that's a pretty clear sign.

Also, if your WH 'doesn't believe in divorce,' maybe he just doesn't want to file for himself. Maybe he wants you to do it for him. Also, check out if your state has a Legal Separation option. My state does. It basically a divorce without the "Dissolution of Marriage." Meanwhile, it will protect you and your kids financially, and you can work on healing you for the emotional trauma of his infidelity.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. ((hugs))

Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Topic Posts: 25