User Topic: What causes someone to be nice to the mean and mean to the nice?
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

Someone mentioned a possible disorder once before, but it was long ago and I do not remember it. But, my fww is very nice to me when I turn a cold shoulder and a royal bitch when I warm up to her. I just do not understand it. The other thing I have noticed with her is that for a few days following the big O, she also has bitchy tendencies.

Its almost as if the more real D is, the more she tries to R. I do not think she is in an active A, but the I'd say she was a much better candidate when I was good to her.

Any ideas?

Posts: 1211 | Registered: Feb 2011
New Member
Member # 35951
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, September 15th (Sunday)

Could it be the emotional distancer thing!

"The trick to forgetting the big picture is to look at everything close up" -Chuck Palahniuk

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, September 15th (Sunday)

The perceived ability to get away with it vs. imminent consequences.

Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.

Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, September 15th (Sunday)

Personality disorder?

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8074 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, September 15th (Sunday)

Control issues and insecurity.

BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.

Posts: 323 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, September 15th (Sunday)

Good food for thought.

Funny thing is, as I re-read the thread title I noticed that is what I am turning into with her. My natural disposition is to be nice to the nice, and ignore the mean as much as I can until my back is against the wall then be mean to the mean. It has served me well all these years, except with her.

Maybe the problem is me. The way things are working, she'd be a great wife if we were always just ready to divorce. Maybe its time to get back into MC for a progress assessment. Its been almost two years since we've seen one.

Posts: 1211 | Registered: Feb 2011
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

I still think the universal explanation for cheating is that the cheater betrays others in the process of avoiding her own pain.

If you are loving, your W faces her own belief she is not lovable. It's easy to avoid dealing with her own shit by getting angry at you for not seeing how unlovable she is.

Just my belief, based on nothing other than speculation and anecdote, but it sure makes sense to me.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10343 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 7