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User Topic: I am a narcicist
1DumbHusband
Member
Member # 40239
Stop  Posted: 3:20 AM, September 15th (Sunday)

My beautiful BS and I were talking tonight and the topic came up that I might be a narcicist. We did some research and I exhibit many of the traits and characteristics of a narcicist and the behaviors fit the way that I have been in the 6 years my wonderful BS and I have been together. Has anyone else explored the possibility or been diagnosed as having narcicistic personality disorder? If so, what is the treatment/recovery process? I'm setting up an IC session next week with a therapist. Apparently for someone with NPD, this is a big step because most narcicist don't seek help. However I want to work towards R with my beautiful BS and IC appears to be the only way to address my issues now. Thanks for the input in advance!


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, September 15th (Sunday)

I think IC is never a bad idea. Good for you for exploring this with a professional.

Good luck in your healing.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36651 | Registered: Sep 2007
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, September 15th (Sunday)

Yep, good choice to see a professional and leave the diagnosing up to them! When I look up the characteristics of sociopaths, I match 80% of them, and was relieved when my IC assured me I'm not.

What I didn't know is: if you're worried you might be a sociopath, it proves that you're not. The same probably applies to NPD, like you said, you'd never admit there was anything wrong with you.

But IC has been life-changing for me, I hope you have a great experience, too.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1046 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
1DumbHusband
Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, September 15th (Sunday)

20Wrongs: I think I actually may be a narcicist because a lot of the symptoms and characteristics apply to me. I hope an IC can help me and its not too late!


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
RemorsefulWH
Member
Member # 36446
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, September 15th (Sunday)

Hi 1DH, I could have written this exact post a couple of weeks ago. My BS and I have been trying to understand 'me' for some time now and it was my BS that came across it. I couldn't have fit the description anymore than I did.
From my relatively limited understanding you are right the very fact we are acknowledging it suggests we're not N's, but for me it really fits too much to not believe. Then the issue becomes how to deal with it. Most things we have read suggest this cant really be treated or 'fixed', which is a devastating prospect because this means we'll always be this broken person. However, like you I'm discussing in IC and acutely aware of the person I am and have been. At this stage I haven't really got any advice but would suggest you keep talking to your BS and IC and keep posting. One thing I would say is that I believe most WS's will have exhibited N behaviours before/during/after their A's at some point, my concern is the cold approach and lack of empathy that has often remained.
Previous to acknowledging the N in me, I appeared more empathetic but now I seem accepting of a colder me, which is a major issue. I am far more aware and less defensive when I'm told I'm behaving this way but it doesn't seem to stop the behaviour.
Good luck


Me: WH 33
Wife: BS 32 (love of my life)
DD 4
Dday1: 12/03/12 and a number of others until 15/04/13, disgusted in myself

Posts: 75 | Registered: Aug 2012
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, September 15th (Sunday)

Like remorsefulwh said, the fact that you think you may be and are willing to look for help, suggests that you are not. Most people can look on the list of traits of a narcissist and see themselves at one time or another. Having been raised by a NPD mother, I can assure you that just by the fact that you are here and that you listen to other's advice, would indicate that you do not have this PD.

Get to IC, everyone can be guilty of having these traits and being a jerk at one point or another. Let your IC help you out.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4524 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

I would definitely listen to the advice that you have gotten from others, and hold off on the self-diagnosis. I think seeing an IC will be a great first step. Prior to being diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, I had self-diagnosed myself with everything from Bipolar Disorder to Cyclothymia. Definitely get in to the IC and start having some honest discussions, and they will help you get to the root of what you need to work on/be treated for.

Good luck to you.


Posts: 6260 | Registered: Dec 2010
MCJLM
New Member
Member # 40283
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, September 16th (Monday)

At the beginning of all of this, my BH told me I was narcissist, even bought a book on how to disarm a narcissist. I, too, explored this label as I would have classified myself as the furthest thing from that. My IC assured me that I was not. However, what I came to realize is that an extramarital affair is narcissistic in itself. My behavior to get involved in an EA and then during the A, and for a time after, until I pulled my head out of my ass, was absolutely narcissistic. So I can comfortably say that I was certainly a narcissist during this time. No questions about that. But I look at myself long before the A and since I've been working on myself after, and am able to separate the two. Not a great place to be, though.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2013
MCJLM
New Member
Member # 40283
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, September 16th (Monday)

And good luck to you on this. It's complicated. I can relate.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2013
1DumbHusband
Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, September 16th (Monday)

Thanks for the input. I'm working on finding a therapist in our area who takes our insurance. Apparently there's plenty of kids therapists in our area, but not a lot of adult therapists.


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
1DumbHusband
Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Well here's my update. I have an appointment for Friday at 1 to see a therapist. My poor BS has one right after at 2. So we're both going to have IC initially. Counseling didn't work before because I lied or did not own up completely to the errors in my past. Hoping this time will be different. Hoping I can make some true progress and work on changing myself.


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
UnexpectedSong
Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I think everyone goes through the narcissist diagnosis at one time or another. The fact is that we are all narcissists. We have to be, otherwise we could not survive life. Many BSes are narcissists - they think the affairs are about them or because of them or that they could have prevented it. As human beings, we are supposed to be narcissistic. So don't take that too seriously. But it's good you will be seeing a therapist.

As an aside... why is your wife always your "beautiful BS" or "wonderful BS" or "poor BS"? Do you write posts for her to read? I.e., to prove to her that you are doing the work?

[This message edited by UnexpectedSong at 11:28 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6075 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
1DumbHusband
Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

As an aside... why is your wife always your "beautiful BS" or "wonderful BS" or "poor BS"? Do you write posts for her to read? I.e., to prove to her that you are doing the work?

It's just how I feel. I had someone wonderful, beautiful, smart, and funny who loved me with everything she had. I destroyed everything and as a result, she is suffering. I see the hurt and pain everyday and I feel so bad I can't do anything to take it away or help aleviate it any sooner. She sees all my posts and all my PMs. Part of our transparency.


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
breakingpoint
Member
Member # 40963
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

If you look at any personality disorder, we all have displayed characteristics of them. Most people having affairs act very narcissistic and histrionic during this period. When it comes to my marriage, I have been very narcissistic (new realization) as well, and i am not proud of it. BUT to have a PD, it has to be overarching in all of your relationships, and over a lifetime. Not situationally driven or a role you have taken in one relationships. True Narcissists don't care if they have a problem and they certainly don't care how their choices have affected others. You my have some attitudes to adjust and explore, but I doubt you have a PD.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2013
KBeguile
Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, October 14th (Monday)

When I started IC, I was definitely exhibiting Narcissistic traits.

Now? I have no idea. A lot of it has been consciously weeded out of my collective conscious, and I honestly have no conceptual clue as to whether or not I would still test as having Narcissistic tendency.

It took a lot of hard work and conscious effort, regardless. Evenings crying, battling with myself. And I don't know what effects the drugs that have changed in my system have caused, or my weight loss, or my exercise regimen. All I know is that I feel like I'm being a much better person than the man I was, which is all I can really control.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 754 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 15