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Just Found Out
User Topic: "Caught them" Forum
ceilingwalker
Member
Member # 39948
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

I don't want to minimize anyone's suffering here because this is serious stuff! I do wish there was a forum for folks like me that actually found their spouse naked with another person, I could sure use some advice that works! It has been almost 3 months (3 months of HELL). I am going against everything everyone (including our pastor)says and am trying to make it work with a woman that I have had to approach cautiously for 13 years, for fear she will verbally tear me up! She will not cooperate with the marriage counselor and write a letter to her boyfriend telling him it is over and his wife, asking her forgiveness. What I don't understand is, the mind movies worked their way down to a manageable 2 times per day. For some reason, today, they have returned to non-stop! I can't stay focused at work, I can't eat, I can't sleep, our three sons are being affected negatively, and we are getting no where fast. If anyone has any advice, ANY at all, I am wide open to suggestions, to stop these damned things.


My handle is a name my grandpa gave me (ceilingwalker) because he used to tell me I drive him up the wall. LOL

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Phoenix
cluless
Member
Member # 40538
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

Hey Ceiling Walker,

That is funny, your grandpa was a wise man

I can't imagine how horrific the images you saw in real life versus my own imagination which let me tell you is bad

You have to picture a STOP sign when you begin seeing the image pop into your mind, that is your cue to take yourself someplace safe, it can be on a remote beach, wiggling your toes in the sand. Or it can be in your safe room where nobody can hurt you. It takes training, but only you can take back your thoughts.

I'm told it will get better, waiting for that to happen.


WH 57
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13 (stopped counting tt still coming in)
Married 17 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.

Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starti


Posts: 166 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

As I am seeing it, you need to shore yourself up with any and every possible support system that you have..When you have good support, any verbal abuse or slander that one dishes out your way would matter just a little bit less....


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1253 | Registered: Nov 2011
njgal480
Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

Wow!
I read your profile. What you are dealing with is horrific.

Your walked in on your WW in the act in your own bedroom and have found out that the affair has been going on for 13 years?

Just having mind movies a few times a day is actually not bad considering the trauma.

I needed to get on meds after d-day for stress, anxiety and depression and I started going to IC in order to not completely lose my mind.

Your WW also does not sound remorseful or ready to do any work toward reconciling.

All you can do at this point is to take care of yourself. Your children need a healthy dad.
Try to get enough sleep, don't forget to eat.

IC was crucial to my healing.

I also would suggest that you go get tested for STDs.

And finally, consider contacting the OM's wife.
She deserves to know what's been going on.
And...very often...when the BS find out-the LTA(long term affair) ends.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3163 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

Step back.......Let her notice that you are stepping back... Nothing is the same any more..You are not yourself...Let her notice that you are not yourself..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1253 | Registered: Nov 2011
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

(((ceiling)))

I saw 12,000 text messages and that alone sent me to an outpatient program at a Mental Health facility --incidentally almost everyone in my group was there for the effects on them from infidelity. I cannot imagine the trauma you have suffered. I learned that this is a brain trauma with specific damage to our brains, and specific ways to recover.

I have learned that there are "waves" of this recovery, some periods during the day are high feelings, others times of the day are low. This is normal. Also, at about 6 months out, it got really bad for me. And just now, 18 months out I am not thinking about them so often.

It is a process.
Work on yourself in counseling, as there is a reason you and I stayed with people so long that we had to tiptoe around.

A book that helped me was "Love must be tough". It helped me to stop letting my WS cross the line of respect with me.

Another guy on here saw his wife with another guy.
Here is the link to his story, and some advice given. He mentions a book he read, I think it was called How high will you jump...
I don't think he's on here anymore, however, but the advice he got will help you cope, I think.


http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=479808&HL=37738


I also think if you look on the forum I Can Relate, there is a section on there for men whose wives have cheated, perhaps on there some have seen their spouses with the OM.....

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 5:27 PM, September 15th (Sunday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2215 | Registered: Jan 2012
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

When and if she cares that you are not your self then carry on discussions about what happened (if these discussions are to happen) about yourselves as a couple...You will quickly know if she is interested in continuing on as a couple...Focus on your survival and healing is first..Anything after that is at your pace.....


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1253 | Registered: Nov 2011
Gr8Lady
Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

I know without a doubt the image of your wife's betrayal is burned into your brain. I will rephrase that for emphasis burned, singed and smoked into your memory.

Until your wayward wife experiences and feels remorse, she is telling you what you want too hear.

She has to be remorseful to give you the comfort and reassurance you need to lessen the smoldering searing images in your mind.

I truly hope she "gets" it. You deserve so much more. Honestly you do!


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 618 | Registered: Jul 2012
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

ceilingwalker,
The way I see it is that your problem isn''t just that you caught your WW. The problem is compounded by her lack of real concrete actions on her part to help in your healing. She won''t write that letter your MC requested which says her concern is more with protecting her AP and herself than trying to make amends to you and the OM''s BW.

I am going against everything everyone (including our pastor)says and am trying to make it work with a woman that I have had to approach cautiously for 13 years, for fear she will verbally tear me up!
This post describes a woman who hasn''t just cheated but been verbally abusive. The question is why do you want to work things out? What is she doing to become a healthy person and partner?

Bottom line is that you''re going to have a hard time with the mind movies when you don''t feel safe and the situation you described regarding your M sounds far, far from safe.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

She will not cooperate with the marriage counselor and write a letter to her boyfriend telling him it is over and his wife, asking her forgiveness.

I wouldn't be surprised if she were still involved in the affair, then.

IMO you will not be able to R with this woman because she has no remorse - you should just drop MC and look into IC.

This post is the Tactical Primer written by SerJr - read it through. It should help you out.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

My personal advice would be to abandon the idea of ever being in a functional marriage with this woman and move forward with the idea to protect your children as best you can. If she suddenly turns around and throws everything all-in to R with you then sure, re-evaluate then.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7484 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

(((ceilingwalker)))

If it makes you feel any better, I know exactly how you feel.

In my first marriage of 10 yrs ( no kids) I caught them naked "in the act". That was the end of that marriage.

In this present marriage of 23 yrs (we have 4 kids together), I did not catch them in bed, but saw them on a date together, being pretty intimate physically.
Also, I demanded to know all the sexual details from WH # 2, so I know that they did the most intimate things you can do, sexually.

It is very difficult having those images in your mind. I also get very hung up on the fact that OW (in the present marriage) is 20 yrs younger than I am, a fitness instructor, & has never had kids, so she has a great body.

In order for me to have sex with WH again, the only thing that has worked is to do what the waywards do in order to have an affair in the first place---compartmentalize. I try to tell myself that what is between WH & I is separate from what was between WH & OW.

The pain does get less over time.

She will not cooperate with the marriage counselor and write a letter to her boyfriend telling him it is over and his wife, asking her forgiveness.

It does not sound to me like your WW is at all remorseful.
She is not giving you what you need to get thru this.
Maybe it is time to do the 180 with her.

Please take care of yourself for you & for your kids.
Sending you strength.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

Do you take pride in going against things everyone has told you then?
Think you're the exception?
You have not replied to the people I respect on here. People who are giving you stuff for free.

I have little tolerance for ceilingwalking for the hell of it.


Posts: 6646 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
flup
Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

It's been my experience that people have to be willing to burn their marriage to the ground, before any real healing can occur.

Your wife has to know she's about to destroy her marriage to you, by continuing her affair(s). You have to lay down the law.

You have to tell her what you need to feel safe in your marriage, what you require from her to stay married... If there is no compliance, she needs to be served with divorce papers. No warning.

Talk about a wake-up call!


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 430 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

While I didn't walk in & see my STBX in the act, I do have a ginormous stack of pictures he took of various women sucking on his dick, plus various other sexual act pictures. Not the same, but still very painful for me to see.

I think the mental images are flooding you because you don't seem to be dealing with reality. It seems like you're trying to massively rug-sweep it all away. Your WW seems to be utterly unremorseful. I think you are an abused spouse. At some point everything is going to come to a crashing head of epic proportions. Speaking from experience, your health is going to suffer & possibly be permanently ruined. Unless, of course, you start dealing with this nightmare with your eyes open and your wisdom engaged.

Are you in IC?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Sagittarius01
Member
Member # 33643
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, September 16th (Monday)

(((ceilingwalker)))

I too, know this all too well. WS was caught red handed, walking out of the bathroom with AP. She was not naked, but he was. He had deer-in-the-headlights look as he turned and ran back into the bathroom for an hour. It was AWFUL!
I heard their sex noises through the door That was 5 years ago, but now I can finally not overreact when that image pops in me head. I'm sorry you caught your WS in the act, the mental images never go away and it's such a constant, painful reminder. Big hugs to you.


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: AZ
callmecrazy
Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, September 16th (Monday)

IDK...He explained it to me, so I have pretty vivid movies. Then he said he made it up. Since Im tormented w movies anyways, I wish I'd just seen it so there'd be no lying about what I obviously know to be true.

Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
MediumRare
Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, September 16th (Monday)

Hi ceilingwalker,
There is no real way to put this nicely but the real problem is this other man's dick carries more weight than your foot.

You need to make the big switch here and ensure you putting your foot down overpower's this poacher and set your wife straight.

What you are living with is absolutely LUDICROUS and you need to repeat that to yourself over and over and over again until it sinks in. DO NOT PLAY into this crazy making scenario. SHE IS YOUR WIFE.. SHE IS FUCKING ANOTHER MAN IN.YOUR.BED. and you are afraid she might verbally abuse you if you "speak up????? REALLY?

The madness stops when you decide to stop accepting madness as an acceptable reality.


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 721 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

OK so I guess I am really confused. Your wife had a 13 year affair. You caught them in the act. You have offered a tremendous gift of possible R'ing with very few conditions, and she is refusing to play along?

(this next bunch of questions are for you to ponder, I don't need the answers but you certainly do).

1. Why do you want to stay, she clearly has you pinned down as her doormat. She doesn't respect you, and is completely and totally unremorseful. Why do you feel this is the love you deserve?

2. What lesson are you teaching your kids by allowing your wife to continue to treat you with this level of disrespect, and abuse (yes an A is abuse)? It certainly isn't what a normal healthy relationship is. It's the wrong thing for them to see as 'normal'.

3. Why do you have the mind movies? Why do you think? My thoughts? YOur subconcious is trying to wake you up, and realize that your wife is abusing you, your marriage, and your life. Her refusal to send a NC letter, Her refusal to cooperate with MC, all of her behaviors are blatently disrespectful, and show she does NOT care about you one bit.

She is showing you who she is believe her please. End the soul sucking pain, by standing up and demanding the respect you deserve. This means seeing an attorney and having D papers drawn up. It's time to put you and your kids first.

One who is so self involved can not possibly be a good mom. Be a good dad to those kids.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8714 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
tearingaway
Member
Member # 28618
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

You have an unremorseful WW. There can be no R without NC. Her A may be an exit A.

1) Seek IC.
2) Do the 180.
3) Inform the AP's W.
4) Start planning your life without your WW.
5) Try to get a little exercise and find other things to do away from your WW.
6) Speak with an attorney.

Your mind movies will never completely go away. They will fade a bit over time. They will get much better when you begin the healing process. The healing process will not begin if you attempt a single party reconciliation effort. Your WW has to be committed to the healing process. Right now she is not even remotely committed to it if she is still in contact with the OM.

I'm sorry that you are here. This is the club that nobody wants to join.


Posts: 346 | Registered: May 2010
shiloe
Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, September 20th (Friday)

((CeilingWalker))

You need to step-away from her for a while, for however long it takes for you to recover yourself.

Listen to Medium Rare, you wife has no respect for you.
She verbally abuses you???

Please don't allow that anymore.

And if the OM has a wife, please. . . let that poor woman know what a POS her H is.

They A is most likely on-going.


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with yet another married ho-worker. Kicked h

Posts: 615 | Registered: Mar 2003
Topic Posts: 20