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Just Found Out
User Topic: The good & the bad
MJane
Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 3:30 AM, September 16th (Monday)

I've been awake a lot these last nights and one thought that went through my head at around 4 this morning was actually how schizophrenic this man I married has been. He has done the unthinkable and the unbearable but one of the reasons I have had a hard time walking out immediately is the lingering thought that he was a man capable of great kindness before this cruelty. This is the same man that nursed the very broken me through three painful miscarriages and the long road of tests, taking time out from work to be with me at different stages, the same man who travelled with me to sit at my aunt's bed as she lay very ill for the best part of three weeks (that was our summer vacation - sitting in a hospital). Do others struggle to understand how their partner can be both things - this very good kind person and also someone who was an unfeeling, selfish idiot? My biggest thought at the moment is which one is he really and how can I trust I get the "good" one if I stay and not the bad...

Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 4:05 AM, September 16th (Monday)

Oh yes, I can definitely relate. That confusion and contradiction ran the whole length of our relationship.

I could see the loving caring compassionate side in her. Not just for me but for others. Then there would be another let down. It was crazy making.

It did help me come to the realization that she was a good person but she was broken. She wanted to be that good person but FOO and addiction issues kept pushing her to act against her true will. I started realizing she was just as tortured by this as I was.

I knew that if she just got the help that she needed to address her brokenness she could get better.

For us I believe Dday was that breaking point where she honestly and truly sought that help.

I hope your H sees the contradictions too and seeks the help to free him from his brokenness.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2647 | Registered: Aug 2012
Heartbroken2013
Member
Member # 39722
Default  Posted: 4:15 AM, September 16th (Monday)

Yes, i can relate to this too.

H and i went thru 4 x ivf treatments and he nursed me through a heart breaking miscarriage on ivf x 3. He is a loving, kind, caring man. he took on my 2 children from a previous marriage and has been a wonderful father to them as their own didn't want to know!

To the outside world this man is a perfect catch, all my friends will comment on how lucky i am etc etc ...

Little do the know this man!

Little did i know this man!

But ...

He fell, he made a mistake, he is truly sorry for this and i believe him. Your H has to earn back his trust with you, it will take time. We are 10mths after DD and are getting better as the days go on.

My advise is to keep talking, if your hurting, tell him. Tell him how u feel, be honest and open about everything. I have found that me and my H are more open about things now, and i know we will make it.


Me & Hubby = aged 46
Together 16 years
Married 9 years
He had 1 yr EA in chat room then 6mths EA phone/texting with same woman.
Cyber sexed with many OW in chat room for at least 1 year.

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: UK
WIgirl
New Member
Member # 40533
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, September 16th (Monday)

Yes, I am really struggling with this as well. Everyone who knows about the affair (albeit the list is pretty short)is so surprised that my H would do this. He was always that perfect guy. Did everything right. But depression/PTSD caught up with him and he made a really, really bad choice. I still don't know where things will go between us because I don't know if he will be that guy again.


Me: 38 yo BW
Him: 40 yo WH
2 daughters (8, 5); married 15 yrs
DD: 6/2/13 (5 mo EA/PA with coworker)
Separated/Divorcing

Posts: 49 | Registered: Sep 2013
MJane
Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, September 16th (Monday)

WIGirl - same reaction from the three people who know about the A in our case....it's like they still can't process it. Like my close friend said "if I can hardly believe what must it be like for you....". What really hurts in our case is we had come through such a tough struggle (losses, lots of depression and crying) and were on the up-side with the little guy just about to be born...I just can't fathom the timing...it gets me every time crying.

Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
RRosemary
New Member
Member # 40682
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, September 16th (Monday)

I'm doing a lot of that late-night thinking myself, and I'm thinking the same sort of thing; how could the man I knew do this? The worst part is, now I feel like all my good memories are lies, you know? Like everything we did in the past is now tainted... that great day we went fossil hunting, well, turns out he told her all about it later on. That band we were listening to - he sent her a message asking if she'd ever heard them. 25 years, one big lie.
Sorry, not being very supportive of you - just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Sep 2013
DLP50
Member
Member # 40232
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, September 16th (Monday)

I'm with you also..... he can be the most caring, giving man and then at the drop of a hat, be secretive and lying thru his teeth.
I just don't understand either.

I'm sorry you are here with the rest of us..


Me BS-50ish
WH (not according to him)- 50ish
M - 18 yrs together 21
No kids together- DD and DS from my 1st marriage
5 Beautiful GD's

Posts: 57 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Out West
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, September 16th (Monday)

My WFH nursed me through Stage II Lyme Disease, where I literally lost my mind my short-term memory was only about 30 seconds long and he came home many times to find me crying on the stairs, having forgotten why I was on them and having stayed on them all day long. He used to fear that he would come home to find my dead body because I truly didn''t want to live, if living meant living like that. He helped me convalesce, we moved to my home state/city, and he encouraged me to do anything that I felt I could do. He was my strongest supporter and I, who swore that I would never love "too much" again, threw away my inhibitions and loved him dearly.

This was the man that abandoned me to porn, online sex chats, and finally a ONS. There are only 4 people who know my sister, his eldest sister, and two very dear friends of ours on the East Coast. None of them could process it I had to almost convince them.

And now that loving person is back. It'' almost like a resurrection. And my wary heart is opening again. But it will never be the same. I know now, that I can walk away, and if I did walk away, I would be just fine. Maybe it''s that knowledge that has given me the freedom and the courage to risk again. I don''t really know.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Hope2B
Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, September 16th (Monday)

Gosh, all I can say, and this is NOT a defense for him, is that schizophrenia --if he does have this disorder--can really affect the perception he has of things.

I'm not saying that schizophrenic people don't know right from wrong--they do--but it's that their brain is chemically wired differently than others, and this is often baffling to others.

Many people with this disorder find help with medication. Sometimes, the first medication given might need to be adjusted, or it might need to be changed to a different medication, to keep the person more "even."

I'm NOT a psychologist or psychiatrist but these are my thoughts based on what I know of this disorder.

Apologies if I misread and misinterpreted your comment about schizophrenia.


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo or maybe ever 4x/mo

Posts: 360 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
MJane
Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 3:18 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I hear you Skan - this was the man I always saw myself old on a bench with or walking in the crazily cold November beach (our favorite holidays have always been out of season windy coastal towns). In just 2 weeks (today!) I realize that might not be the case - am not yet ruling it out but for the first time it is a real possibility that I am on my own or with someone else and that blows my mind a little. Hope - luckily (or unluckily as it might make the action at least understandable....) my H has no formal mental condition - he just managed to live two separate lives for 19 months....I struggle with the question of whether, on the turn of a coin, this current remorseful once again attentive man would be as hurtful and cruel. From reading posts here I guess you can never tell....and the part of me that has been hurt enough already thinks cutting and running would be the smartest option even if I know I still feel love for this man (and that I feel that knowing what I know shocks me to the core....)

Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 4:01 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Its truly a sociopathic mentality. Like serial killers they can appear to be the best people walking the earth. But when their dark needs get the best of them, its off on the hunt they go.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Nov 2007
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)

MJane,
He needs to get into IC and figure out why he did this. Usually it's poor coping mechanisms. We were in the process of getting our son diagnosed with Autism. What we were going through the week his A started is horrifying (worst week of my life, besides D-Day) and the fact that he lied to me, walked out the door and hooked up with another woman still leaves me dumbfounded. He totally compartmentalized his 2 yr A. We were one life and she was another part of his life. He's in IC now and a whole shit storm of childhood abuse has come out. He's doing the work to change. You may be able to grow old with him, but he is going to have to go into IC and figure himself out. Hugs to you.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
hopingforhappy
Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I agree with cliffside. It is a long and arduous process to figure out what is going on. My FWH has been in IC for the entire 3 1/2 years since I discovered his A and he really is just now getting to the point that he has sorted out his own emotions enough to effectively deal with mine. I feel like we are in a great place now, but it has taken a lot of time, patience and hard work. You both need to be willing to fight the good fight.

The truth is he is not all good or all bad--he is some of both. You get the good one if he is willing to do the work to keep the bad at bay. There are no guarantees for any of us. I am fully aware that my FWH could go off the deep end again. But I know now that I am strong and can handle it if he does. That is where my IC has been so important. Hope you are seeking IC for yourself.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1344 | Registered: Aug 2010
RyeBread
Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

People are very dynamic. We all have different sides to ourselves. I believe it comes down to being authentic, being honest, and accepting or being accepted for that.

Often times I wonder if the A is a symptom of an internal struggle between who they think they are, who they want to appear as, and who they really are.

[This message edited by RyeBread at 1:27 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)]


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
damaged71
Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)


If he has a condition it's probably referred to as "asshole" in the professional community.

My wife went from being quite simply the warmest most wonderful person I had ever met to being a MONSTER. She literally took delight in my pain. Seriously...LITERALLY. When I would be just crushed she would laugh. She would actually laugh.

This was the same woman I went through IVF with 3 times and all that goes along with that. Nope it didn't work.

Now she is back to being Miss Wonderful and really can't explain where the monster came from.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 351 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Yeah, people are complicated. None of us are all good or all bad. Lots of people find themselves behaving in ways they are ashamed of at certain points in their lives. The true test of character is how they fix it and fix themselves moving forward.

I suspect a lot of BS react like I do to a news story like one we saw recently on 60 minutes. A professional baseball pitcher was profiled and was telling the story of his CSA and how it had affected him. One way was that he cheated on his wife. He was very remorseful, was in therapy and speaking out to help others. His M was thriving. My H actually was watching the story and called up to me to turn it on. We both watched with tears in our eyes. The point is I admired him. Did not think he was a "bad" man. It seems we can be very forgiving and understanding of other's weaknesses. Well, our WSs are just as broken, just as weak. They too, providing they are working their asses off, deserve a second chance, if their BS is willing to go down that path with them ( no judgement to those for whom it's a deal breaker). Few people should be written off as completely bad.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 2:51 AM, September 20th (Friday)

Do others struggle to understand how their partner can be both things...

Did I ever.

My wife was one of the kindest, most genuinely caring, warm and compassionate person that I'd ever met. Certainly more so than I am. She never wanted to see anyone be hurt, child or adult. I absolutely loved this about her.

But when she had the affair, she was just awful to me. I'd never seen her treat anyone, even people who deserved it, like she treated me. Nor have I seen anyone treated like that since.

I understand it now, all her suppressed rage came out that summer, and came out on me. It wasn't my fault, I just was there.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1020 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
MJane
Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, September 20th (Friday)

Standinghere, your words (or wife's words) mirror something my H said yesterday. I struggle to understand how he could be so detached and cold in relation to me (see me breastfeeding his newborn & head off to OW for sex) - in recent months he had told me wasn't sure he "loved me enough" and we had so many long talks about that (it was very painful to hear those words) and at no time did he mention OW. he said the best way he can explain it is that he shut down his feelings for me as he couldn't cope with guilt and the complicated situation he'd created. I also think he was telling himself our marriage pre OW was something it wasn't & had made me into something I wasn't....there may very well be suppressed anger (we're at early days and he needs to get IC) - I'm still contemplating R as I am starting to see the man who has been MIA for so many months again. I just don't know if he is capable of being that other self-interested, callous person again and that is what scares me.

Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, September 20th (Friday)

I''m going to second and third IC for a WS. My FWHs IC, our MC, and FWHs willingness to confront his brokenness is, I am convinced, why we are still here. We could not have gotten to here without all of the help that we had. It never would have been possible. And thank God for this site as well. I''ve done as much healing here as I''ve done in IC.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Topic Posts: 19