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User Topic: Is it always cake eating or
mixedintherut
Member
Member # 40330
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, September 16th (Monday)

Is there a possibility that they truly don't know what they want?


DD 1: PA 12/4/09 He spent 2.5 years with OW1
R: 8/31/2012
DD 2: EA 8/16/13
BS: 26
WH: 25
1 young daughter.
Terribly disgusted. He refuses to give up his "friend". Headed towards D.

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: kentucky
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, September 16th (Monday)

If you don't know what you want, taking everything you can at the expense of others isn't any less selfish for that.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7469 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, September 16th (Monday)

Is there a possibility that they truly don't know what they want?

Cake eating.

People are not objects. We are not talking about someone who can't decide on what color they want to paint their bedroom, what car they want to buy, or what they are going to order at a resturant.

a WS who 'can't pick' between the vows that they took with you and a promise that they gave to you.... and the possible future with another person that shouldn't have been there in the first place....will always be considered a cake eating WS.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
Razor
Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, September 16th (Monday)

Why does it matter? The affect to you is the same.

Its like someone balancing on the top rail of a fence. They may want to stay there but no one can balance forever. Eventually they will have to get off the fence but when they do fall or get down they may prefer to go to one side over the other. If they are having trouble deciding which side of the fence offers a softer landing the best way to assist them in their decision is to shake the hell out of the fence.

If your WH is cake eating or indecisive then IMO the best move is to stop being an option for him.

If my WW was trying to decide between me and OM I'd help her pack and wave goodbye. Have a nice life and dont let the door hit your behind on the way out. If you did that you may be surprised how fast your WH gives up his feelings for his OW.

I oftimes wonder if this indecisiveness is not based on a hunger for drama and attention. As long as they are *tormented* trying to decide between 2 people (torn between 2 lovers) they are at the center of a great drama. Everyone that knows will be talking about them. It may be like living in one of those torrid romance novels.

In either case IMO it is best to make the decision for them. And when or if their relationship fails with the OP then they would have to earn their way back.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, September 16th (Monday)

I believe that someone with a healthy attitude, someone who looks at the people they are hurting and feels remorse, that someone will take a break from both parties and decide.

Anything less is cake eating.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11216 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, September 16th (Monday)

I agree with the others. When your indecisiveness causes such pain and turmoil for others (not to mention that the situation causing the indecisiveness shouldn't even have occurred in the first place)...then you are morally obligated to make a swift decision. Or walk away, choosing neither.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Tired05
Member
Member # 39609
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, September 16th (Monday)

I can't think of any other reason than the person is just being selfish. They have good things that they see on both sides of the fence and if no one is shaking it then there is no reason to jump if they are being catered to on both sides.

My WH used to tell me when I would get mad at his decisiveness "You have no idea how hard it is to be in love with two people at the same time! How can I choose!!??"

I agree with another poster that they most likely enjoy the attention, drama, and ego boost that they get from having two people 'fighting' for their affection. I sometimes picture a WS building a little throne there on top of the fence and watch the BS and OP come to them from either side of the fence.

It is utterly selfish and I'm only ashamed in how long it took me to decided to leave the fence and just walk back into the house.

[This message edited by Tired05 at 12:06 PM, September 16th (Monday)]


Together 6 yrs. M 4 yrs. DD born 3/1/2013.
Me: BS -- Him: 1 EA/PA (6mos), PA (MW), and 6 ONS...Been at it for almost 5 yrs. *Still slave to TT* 1st DDay- 11/24/2012,
.....OC due in August.....

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, September 16th (Monday)

Saying they don't know what they want, IMO means,.I want both and I don't care who gets hurt as long as I get what I want. It's selfish, cruel, and playing with people's feelings. It's keeping 2 going but not wanting those 2 to have anyone but the one who can't decide. Yea, cake eating inmy book. Not being able to decide is not because you love both its because you love having 2 waiting for you and your decision.. Despite what they say in the movies, you cannot love 2 at the same time because when you love someone you don't inflict pain and sorrow on them.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5127 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, September 16th (Monday)

Even if they truly do not know what they want, far be it from me to sit around while they waffle and ponder if I am good enough for them. Fuck. That.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6545 | Registered: Jan 2011
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, September 16th (Monday)

The way I feel is, of course they don't know who they want more. They have "feelings" for both people. Anyone that put themselves in that position would have the same dilemma. The difference is though, that many choose to never be in that position in the first place. Others that had a judgment lapse and put themselves in such a position have an obligation to walk away from both, or make a choice fast and get the heck away from the other.

Dragging it on is immature, selfish and just cruel.

I felt when my WH strung both me and OW along for that year, it wasn't so much that he couldn't choose which of us he loved more, but more that he couldn't decide which version of himself he loved more.

I too don't believe it demonstrates love--stringing people along. It shows love for oneself maybe at the most. Real love doesn't present itself as such a dilemma to people.


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
Topic Posts: 10