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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: "Men don't leave unless there is someone else"
Eyeofthetiger
Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, September 16th (Monday)

Is this really true?

My WH left after a fight we had, he said he hasn't been happy for a while. Blah blah. Weeks later I found out he had been texting anther woman for weeks while he was living at home. He told me shortly after he left he told her they needed to stop talking. The number stopped appearing on his usage. When I found out, I contacted her and later that day her number appeared on his text usage again. He showed me what she said. So I know he doesn't have a second phone or she would of used that to contact him. I contacted her the other day again(dumb I know) but again she ran right to him and I saw the number appear again. Those are the only two times I have seen the number since the end of June (2 weeks after he left home).

Nothing else points to a different woman-- no new repeating numbers etc. So is it ok to believe there isn't someone else?

I guess it really doesn't matter but I just feel like he doesn't want this M because he screwed up and cannot face himself and what it will take to get my trust back. Naive? Maybe but I think the old way of thinking of "men don't leave unless there is someone else" is not always true. ESP in a society where D has turned into being "ok" and having children go from parent to parent is also "ok".

[This message edited by Eyeofthetiger at 4:51 PM, September 16th (Monday)]


S

Posts: 129 | Registered: Aug 2013
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, September 16th (Monday)

Two things - first, that saying is BS. Men leave for the same reasons that women leave. People leave. They quit. They move on.

Secondly, of course it's ok to think there's no one else. You can believe whatever you think is true, whatever matches your gut.

((((eye))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25726 | Registered: Aug 2011
LifeIsBroken
Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, September 16th (Monday)

An older (and wiser, in many ways) friend told me 'men don't leave unless there is another woman and, even then, they often don't / won't leave until forced to do so.' Kind of like they want the best of both worlds, so to speak. In my case, that was true. He wouldn't leave the first several times I packed his bags for him but finally he did leave after I moved $ into my own account and met with a lawyer. Sadly, it was the money that really p*ssed him off. Just for what it's worth....


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 504 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, September 16th (Monday)

A very good IC I saw during the first separation from my now-ex said that approximately 95% of men do not leave their marriage unless and until there is someone else. Women, while they do the same thing, do not do it this way in significantly lower numbers.

She was a great IC, so I have every reason to believe that her stats were pretty accurate.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29663 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, September 16th (Monday)

I think men who don't like to be alone will likely not leave the marriage unless there's someone else.

friend told me 'men don't leave unless there is another woman and, even then, they often don't / won't leave until forced to do so.' Kind of like they want the best of both worlds, so to speak.
I found this to be true in my case as well.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6526 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, September 16th (Monday)

Unfortunately almost every break up ive seen has been because someone found someone else. Even though a person may not be happy in a M, I think sometimes it takes a motivator or pressure from an AP to make the move. Just what I've witnessed, not based on any stats I've seen.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5133 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, September 16th (Monday)

Selfish, cowardly jackasses don't leave unless they have someone else. But men...REAL men.. leave for a lot of reason IMO.

A man or woman with integrity *won't* pursue someone else until they have ended their current relationship.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, September 16th (Monday)

My STBX had plenty of women, including at least one I think he was romantically (as in emotions, the sex is given) involved with. He had no intention of leaving, he was content to keep cheating & eating cake.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9824 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, September 16th (Monday)

The X had no intention of leaving; he wanted a wife and a girlfriend.

I can think of a number of reasons that a man may leave his M that are less than honorable and don't include another woman.

I don't think there is an overwhelming percentage of guys who leave for another woman vs. just leaving because they are generally unhappy. I think it's situational and trying to analyze it is useless in my opinion.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 7:07 PM, September 16th (Monday)]


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20284 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Eyeofthetiger
Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, September 16th (Monday)

My IC says him talking with another woman was a catalyst to him realizing his unhappiness and this leaving. Even if there is no one else now, fixing a marriage that is presumed unhappy AND fixing something he did wrong is too much for him to handle. 26 year old male with a business to run and a family.

My guess his OW now is his business.


S

Posts: 129 | Registered: Aug 2013
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, September 16th (Monday)

My IC says him talking with another woman was a catalyst to him realizing his unhappiness and this leaving.

Sounds like a chicken and egg problem to me. Was he unhappy before he started his affair or did he invent his unhappiness to justify what he did? Was it true unhappiness or just rationalization?

Generalizing is a dangerous thing to do, especially when you're trying to examine the poor behavior of one member of a group. I think your IC's supposition is suspect.

[This message edited by h0peless at 7:26 PM, September 16th (Monday)]


Posts: 1734 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Eyeofthetiger
Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, September 16th (Monday)

If he was unhappy, he should win an academy award because I had no idea. He was not distant or anything.


S

Posts: 129 | Registered: Aug 2013
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, September 16th (Monday)

And that's why your IC is probably wrong. Your husband's choices aren't about you or your marriage. They are about his childish sense of entitlement.

Posts: 1734 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, September 16th (Monday)

in my experience, where there is smoke, there is fire, 100% of the time


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3400 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, September 16th (Monday)

I'm with hopeless, I don't think your IC is on point with this one. It's not unusual for IC's without experience dealing with infidelity issues to not have the skills necessary to navigate them appropriately.

((Hugs))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4607 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, September 16th (Monday)

I have very little respect for most counselors/therapists. Many of them get into the profession because they've had 'problems' and feel their experience is valuable to others. With this particular type, it's really rubbish.

Be very careful in choosing and following a counselor. Anyone can hang a shingle...


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20284 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, September 16th (Monday)

A very good IC I saw during the first separation from my now-ex said that approximately 95% of men do not leave their marriage unless and until there is someone else. Women, while they do the same thing, do not do it this way in significantly lower numbers.

Yes, my IC told me the exact same thing. I didn't believe him at the time because my xh said he wasn't with anyone else, he just didn't love me and didn't want to be with me. Her number wasn't showing up on his phone bill either. He found other ways of calling her. I found out 8 months later that this statistic to be 100% true in my case.

I believe the 95% statistic. I know there are men that leave for other reasons and you can't paint everyone with the same brush, but I don't think this is a random statistic.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, September 16th (Monday)

"Men don't leave unless there is someone else"

1. mine was a man-child/perpetual peter pan. So don't know what "men" do.
2. mine had his next GFs set up well ahead of announcing "this time there was sex". Cue end of relationship with me. He definitely needs a mother to care for him so didn't want to go anywhere until he arranged a soft place to land and preferably more than one.


Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou


Posts: 752 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, September 16th (Monday)

I have very little respect for most counselors/therapists. Many of them get into the profession because they've had 'problems' and feel their experience is valuable to others. With this particular type, it's really rubbish.

This!!!!! There is also a need to keep clients coming back. If someone is unhealthy enough to cheat needing a soft landing wouldn't be surprising in their parade of fucked choices. Didn't think there was a gender bias for those.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, September 16th (Monday)

I have very little respect for most counselors/therapists. Many of them get into the profession because they've had 'problems' and feel their experience is valuable to others. With this particular type, it's really rubbish.

In my case, I paid for #4's MSW. She is now the only *insurance approved* MC in our local area. I left her because I didn't like her boyfriend.

If someone is unhealthy enough to cheat needing a soft landing wouldn't be surprising in their parade of fucked choices. Didn't think there was a gender bias for those.

I divorced #3 for the same reason as #4.

Must have missed the pillow for the *soft landing*.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2985 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 3:49 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)

All I know is that I left BECAUSE there was someone else. And that someone was not brought into the M by me.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5729 | Registered: Nov 2007
Griefstricken25
Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)

My particular WS would not have left unless there was another person. He is too much of a coward to be alone. I would say he stayed in our marriage for the last few years ONLY because he had no one else to go to.


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2524 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I've gotta say, any statement that starts with "Men don't..." just pisses me off. Unless you have proof that this happens in 100% of the cases, it's a bullshit generalization. Even if it's true in 95% of the cases, how many men are there in the world? And it's insulting to the 5% who are honourable.

This is something I've taught my kids. You're guilty of generalizing and perpetuating stereotypes anytime you use a sentence that starts like this:

- Men don't...
- Women are...
- African Americans have...
- Jewish women like...
- Chinese men eat...
- Canadians do...

You're applying a specific action to a general type of person.

No arguments that there are some men who act this way. There are also women who act this way. The fact of the matter is that anyone who walks away from a marriage after they have cheated is probably doing this. The existence of testicles doesn't make it any more or less likely.

For the record, I left because my future ex-wife had multiple someone elses; I have nobody else.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2089 | Registered: Jan 2013
RyeBread
Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)

"Men don't leave unless there is someone else"

Absolutely true in my case. I am leaving my wife because there is someone else. That someone else is the person my wife decided to have an A with. That and I finally realized how her continued blameshifting and A justifications were killing me emotionally.

So ya, there was someone else.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Later
Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I have always believed that theory, with some qualifications, is generally true with regards to men and women.

In the past, when I have heard of someone just up and wanting a divorce I have always thought that the truth of someone on the side will come out soon enough.

Now that I am more aware I can clarify that infedility by the non filing spouse is the wild card.

Keep in mind, all generalizations are false.


Posts: 385 | Registered: May 2013
debbysbaby
Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I in the believe camp. It is what I have observed and experienced.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 880 | Registered: Aug 2011
meaniemouse
Member
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I have to wave the "no generalization" flag about counselors and therapists. As in any other profession there are the good, the bad, the ugly. There are also those who have had their own problems and that makes them more empathetic and insightful and those that have had problems that haven't taught them anything. Counselors, therapists, psychologists and social workers are in the service business. The HUMAN service business. They are providing a service for money. While it is a different kind of service than the person who repairs your car, or the doctor who cures your ills, or the lawyer who represents you in court, it is still a business, a service, and it is up to the purchaser of that service to find someone with whom they are comfortable. Most people in the counseling profession (at least the ones who are worth your time and money) have spent a great deal of time in graduate school, internships and supervised practice as well as having taken state licensing and/or national board exams. They have to participate in continuing education to keep their certifications and credentials. Most know their stuff and know it well. It isn't fair to make generalizations about this group of people any more than it is to make generalizations about men, women, people of color, teenagers, senior citizens or girl scouts.


Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2126 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I can't speak to any other man's experience, but this was very true for the infidelity experiences I'm personally acquainted with. My brother married Wife #1 out of a sense of obligation and only left her once the OW/eventual Owife was in the picture. My ex blabbered about wanting R at first, but when I said no way, he made sure that he kept the OW on speed dial so that she was available as a back-up plan. I think that if she had ditched him once the secret was out, he wouldn't have been so quick to agree to my decision to D. I suppose I should be grateful to her for that! He also married her one month after the D was final, so it's pretty clear to me that he was fine about ending things because he had a Plan B, and then he made sure that Plan B stuck around by love bombing her and rushing her into marriage. He definitely can't be alone, but that's not all that peculiar for a manchild.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Plan B

Plan B is a woman, I assume. So how exactly is this a man thing again?


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Eyeofthetiger
Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

This was in the context of why my H left. The assumption is, if a man is leaving his wife and kids (obv not a BS that's a different story) then he must be leaving for another woman.


In my case--- although not 100% sure--- he left due to guilt and lack of willingness to admit his wrong doings and fix them. His contact with OW stopped weeks after he left and before I even knew there was an OW.

I didnt make this generalization but people around me keep making this assumption.


S

Posts: 129 | Registered: Aug 2013
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

His contact with OW stopped weeks after he left and before I even knew there was an OW.

So, how exactly does this fit? If he stopped contact weeks after and you didn't even know about her but he is not back home, how is she the reason?

Only he knows why he left. You may not agree with his perceptions but that's kind of irrelevant. Perception is reality.

Only thing that matters is your focus on your healing and recovery. He's taken himself out of that equation.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
HopeImOverIt
Member
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Hey, my divorce lawyer said the same thing! However as I recall, she qualified it with "usually" or "most often".


Me: BW (50)
ExWH: (51)
2 teen-age boys
Divorced

Posts: 266 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

That is a ridiculous generalization! Men and women leave for the same reasons ! If your husband left you with no reason then in my opinion and I pray I am wrong, there is most likely someone else. What does your gut say? When my wife wanted a divorce I thought that there was no way. But everyone told me there had to be someone else and that it would come out soon. Sure enough I caught her. But that is my story and probably 50,000 other people's on this site. Could your husband be a man? One of the last ones left ? That actually left without having a plan b. ? Human nature says no! How many people quit a high paying job for another one , without having it lined up? I'm just saying that men and women cheat and if you read up on the signs and the actions of a cheater you would most likely find that a cheater is a cheater man , woman , black , white , oriental, doesn't matter. The actions are the same. I wish you the best and I am sorry if I came off harsh. Stay strong.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 678 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Yeah, I think you're generalizing.

I think that this applies to men and women. In my case, I filed for D. A friend of the marriage (I thought) told everyone that I MUST have someone else, or I wouldn't have left. We aren't friends any more.

Nope - I just got to the point where I would rather live alone than live one more day with him.

But it seems to be that a lot of people like to have their Plan B lined up before exiting the marriage.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7765 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Eyeofthetiger
Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Maybe they would say women leave only if there is someone else but I am married to a man not a woman.

As far as him leaving for her. No I think he left because of her. Because he defogged while at home and realized his stupidity and started rewriting our marriage to make it so awful he had reason to leave.


S

Posts: 129 | Registered: Aug 2013
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

read up on the behavior . like I said it is typical.my stbxww, your husband, whoever? it is just behavior . my buddy was in the military and had two kids , his wife cheated with his best friend behind his back, so in my early severely painful days I called him because I felt he would understand the best and I was right ! his x wife did the same exact things and said the same exact things ! ok if you want to talk about men sure I have a female friend that has 3 kids and her x husband did the same ! when we spoke she told me details of exactly what my stbxww did and her husband and my other friends wife all different people with same story , like cancer, infidelity does not discriminate! all the best


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 678 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Eyeofthetiger
Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I wasnt making a generalization. People have said this to me because I have a husband not a wife. I guess their assumption was he wouldn't have left if there wasnt someone else.

I would assume if I was a man and I had a wife or whatever I would get the same assumption.


S

Posts: 129 | Registered: Aug 2013
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

A wise old (in his 70's) family friend of my FWH told me the same thing. At the time my H was telling me "there is no one else, I just don't L you anymore and want a D." Turns out the old friend was right, there was an OW, and they were talking M as soon as our D was final.

Maybe one should change the word from "men" to "people?"

"Most people don't just up and leave a M unless there is someone else." Who knows if they were unhappy with the M first, or if they "realized" (can we spell f-o-g and rewriting marital history here?) how unhappy they were when the OP entered into the picture.

HBH


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

you started your topic with "men don't " so I assumed you were generalizing I apologize if I was wrong.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 678 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

It was true in my case as well. My therapist (who, btw, is a PhD) also said that most men don't leave their wife and family unless there is someone else. Most.

And he used the term "men" because I am a woman who was married to a man. Yes, it is a generalization but many times people are searching for the commonality that binds all of us together. I don't think anybody believes that we mean every single man on the planet when we make this statement.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Ok since I was married to a woman I will say that woman don't appreciate what they have and cannot admit their faults and cheat more than men. But I am not generalizing because I was married to a woman.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 678 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

The sad clown left well before DD. He left well before there was someone else - that's how he got on that slippery slope to their being someone else.

He left emotionally WAY before actually fucking around. TBH, I left emotionally way before DD too. Not because either of us had someone else - but because the someone I thought I married had disappeared.

I WISH he had left the moment there was someone else. I wish I had left the moment I realised he was dead and gone.

I think we all go through this phase of trying to make sense of this shit - find a box for it. MLC was my reason of choice but the truth is he has been this way his entire life and I was just the right kind of fucked up to participate in this crazy dance with him.

We aren't cheated on because of anything to do with us but I do believe I picked this fucked up guy because there is something fucked up within me. That's where I want to put my focus - understanding WHY I invested so much on what I knew to be a complete dud of a relationship.

That is how I'll avoid dealing with this shit in future.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

My IC says him talking with another woman was a catalyst to him realizing his unhappiness and this leaving.

So, you're IC is analyzing someone she's never met or spoken to. At best this is ineffective; at worst, it's dangerous.

I can't think of a more ridiculous statement; his speaking to another woman contributed to his thinking he wanted to fuck this other woman, not that his whole M was unhappy. He came up with that premise to justify his wanting to get laid by someone else.

I would run far and fast from this IC. As for my opinion of ICs and therapists, it's just that--my opinion. In my personal experience working with them, they all got into the profession because they had problems and felt they could 'help' others. I even see it here from members thinking about going into these professions. Check credentials carefully; not every state has stringent licensing requirements.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 7:25 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20284 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

OK, would this be less offensive to the men who don't have A's before they D:

"Most men whose wives haven't cheated on them, don't leave a good marriage unless they have an OP waiting in the wings."


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Hbh. Lol very funny


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 678 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Lol, I have to respond to that. what man, whose wife cheated on him, would consider it a good marriage?


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2985 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

5454real,

Well, the man (whose wife cheats on him) thinks he has a good M until he finds out that it (the M) is so bad his W had to cheat on him, right?


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

If they are a narcissist, like my XWH, then yes.. they always wait until they have a new relationship in place before they jump ship. They cannot bear to be alone with themselves, and without their "supply".

Since our D, I've learned that XWH cheated in every relationship he had. They all overlapped by at least several months. As soon as the new one was locked in, and he felt secure, he cut the old one loose.

So pathetic.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 914 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

t/j HBH sigh, yep t/j

I think a gender neutral title might fit better, but I do understand where it's coming from.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2985 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

I think that there's an element of self-selection at work here.

If a guy is enough of assclown that he can't or won't give you a reason more substantial that "I'm not happy", without ever indicating what specifically is the issue is and putting the hard work in to resolve it, then he's probably enough of an assclown to find someone else prior to ending his primary relationship. And that works BOTH ways.

In any case, 95% is an awfully high number for ANYTHING. It would seem to indicate that guys just hang around in relationships forever, no matter what the reason...until they see something new and shiny.

ETA:

I think a relatively well-adjusted, healthy guy would be able to either try to work through relationship issues, or to sit a woman down and say, "Hey, this just isn't working for me for the reasons of X, Y, and Z."

[This message edited by FacePunched at 9:05 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

Serial monogamy may, or may not be more prevalent in men than women.

A declarative statement that 'Men don't leave unless there is someone else' is a value judgement and nothing more.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
mof2
Member
Member # 40287
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

If he was unhappy, he should win an academy award because I had no idea. He was not distant or anything.

@Eyeofthetiger, my SIL said the exact same thing....well, she said he deserves an Oscar. I had no clue!


BW - Me 43
WH - Cheating Swine 43
Dday - February 12, 2013....a week before I was to give birth to the child I miscarried and 12 days before our 5th anniversary.

Posts: 316 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: DFW
RyeBread
Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

"Most men whose wives haven't cheated on them, don't leave a good marriage unless they have an OP waiting in the wings."

Having a "good" marriage depends on the people involved. What may be good to one couple may not be good to another.

Also, there are other reasons to leave a marriage that are not infidelity related.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
ChoosingHope
Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

Two things - first, that saying is BS. Men leave for the same reasons that women leave. People leave. They quit. They move on.
Secondly, of course it's ok to think there's no one else. You can believe whatever you think is true, whatever matches your gut.

^^^This^^^


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
Topic Posts: 54